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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I won't attend my partners fathers funeral....

88 replies

Scotsmum90 · 22/03/2018 23:28

Please let me know what you think about this one this is not something I can discuss with anyone I know hence the post.

Been with my partner a couple of years now and he has recently been told that his dad has died.

He has been estranged fro his father but secretly in touch with his mother (against the fathers wishes). I know that he wants to build his relationship with his mum now that the father has past.

He is helping his mother organise things for the funeral..

The reason I won't attend is because his father was convicted of possession of indecent images of children and was part of a ring. He was caught and went to prison for a few years. However upon release he continued to view images.

My partners mother stood by the father through this all. Visited him in prison and took him back afterwards.

The father subjected my partner to abuse, he has never discussed this with his mother but feels that she knew and did nothing.

He told me all of this when I first met him and I don't like to judge people based on the actions of their family members - so I didn't I accepted that he had a traumatic childhood and left it at that we don't talk about it.

So on to the funeral.....

He is helping his mother plan the funeral and he will be attending

I have a older child from a previous relationship and as mother I cannot bring myself to attend a funeral of someone like that.

As much as I want to support my partner on this occasion I simply cannot.

I would never tell him that I have lost a bit of respect for him because he is going to the funeral....I am I wrong for feeling like this?

I said I will support hi in any other way that I can ( and I will)

However this has got me thinking - if we had a child together (we don't and I don't thing I want any more children) I think I would be having some strong words with him about him going to this funeral.....as mums what do you think of this?

OP posts:

Joysmum · 23/03/2018 07:32

My feelings would come second to the needs of my partner. I’d go for him as he’d need me.

billybagpuss · 23/03/2018 07:35

A few years ago I played the organ for a funeral and spotted a man from my childhood village in the congregation. He happened to be in the pub the following Christmas a few months later when I was visiting my parents, we exchanged usual Christmas pleasantries and I said I'd seen him at the funeral. His reply was 'Yes it was a family member, horrible man, I went to make sure he'd gone'. It shocked me quite a bit at the time but its an idea that may help you now.

I think the worst bit would be sitting through the Eulogy when they are saying lots of nice things about his life and you have to bite your tongue knowing the horrid things that won't be mentioned.

I'd also suggest that you maybe not attend the service but meet DH for support afterwards at the wake.

SlowDown76mph · 23/03/2018 07:35

Are you saying that you think your partner was abused himself - and his mother knew, or suspected this was the case - but still stood by the father? If so, your poor partner, what a mind-fuck.

I'd say you have to do what is right in your own mind. If he is so anxious to rebuild a relationship with a woman who appears to have let him down so badly (regardless of actually potential abuse, she wasn't protecting her son or putting him first) then I think you have bigger problems to address.

Unless he is prepared (able?) to seek out counselling and accept just how much both parents let him down, then I'd be very very cautious about even thinking about having children with him.

Mary1935 · 23/03/2018 07:37

Hi it's a difficult time - why don't you talk to your partner and tell him how you feel. Tell him you want to support him but it's difficult.
I would find it hard to go to the funeral of a man like that.
His mother is accountable too but it's his mum and is he an only child?
It's hard if you go and others start saying "he was a good man etc etc"
Would make me puke.

razzaqisaprick · 23/03/2018 07:42

Wait so your DP is abused

And must be punished further for his fathers crimes because he wants to attend the funeral and is helping his mother by his partner losing respect for him?

Also what gives you the right to decide what is/isn't ok for him regarding contact with his mother??

Just LTB don't bully him into conforming to how you feel is acceptable with his own parents in the midst of what must be very confused grief. Even the grief of a truly treasured parent doesn't run straight often

Take your moral righteousness and shove it if you genuinely care about your partner. The mans dead, his abused son is alive coping with it and likely to lose his partner if he wants any form of relationship with his mother now his father is dead

He may want to grieve for the father he could have had if his dad hadn't done sick crimes

HarrietSmith · 23/03/2018 07:46

My father was abusive and my mother enabled him. I attended his funeral and my partner came with me and supported me. I was very grateful to have him by my side.

Perhaps what you are struggling with is that the person you are in a relationship with is the son of a) a man who has committed serious crimes and b) a woman whose loyalty/brainwashing/whatever meant that she stood by her partner.

Personally I think that going to the funeral would help you to face this fact. As well as being a help to your partner. Going to a funeral in no way signifies that you approved of the dead person's actions. Also not going doesn't actually support those who survived this man's abuse. Given that your partner survived growing up in the house of an abuser, you might want to consider whether supporting him is something you want to do?

ChaosNeverRains · 23/03/2018 07:51

I would go to support your partner, and to dance on the fucker’s grave. Not literally obviously.....

But I would also be encouraging him to seek counselling to help him come to terms with this and let it go.

Also what gives you the right to decide what is/isn't ok for him regarding contact with his mother?? the woman is a child abuse enabler. She stood by and allowed this man to abuse his own children and then she took him back after he’d served time in prison for being part of a paedofile ring. I’m afraid that would be a dealbreaker in my book and I would struggle to stay with a man who actively sought a relationship with someone who did that, which is why I would be encouraging him to get help so that a third party could help him see exactly what he was supporting.

How do we know the mother wasn’t an abuser herself given how much of a blind eye she was prepared to turn to all that her husband had done? For this man remaining in a relationship with a child abuse sympathiser (which is what the mother is at best) he is influencing his own life outcomes. No woman in their right mind would want a relationship or children with a man who would potentially seek for them to have a relationship with a woman like his mother. She is just as dangerous as the abuser IMHO

razzaqisaprick · 23/03/2018 07:59

She might be everything under the sun and every bit as bad as the father but OP making ultimatums on what their partner does right now in the midst of a death is bullying

Is it his fault his parents were so awful?

Yet he's meant to think clearly right now and not go to the funeral and cut ties with his mother

He was the child.

Yes with counselling (when he feels ready, grief counsellors won't touch it for 6 months after a death anyhow) rather than bullied into it at a time he may not be ready he may be able to cut off his mother. She's still his mother though and that will cloud everything else that she is for him

They don't have children. The man is dead.

Joysmum · 23/03/2018 08:00

If his mother was more of a part of this then that’s all the more reason why your partner needs you to be with him, not less of a reason.

Original poster

Scotsmum90 · 23/03/2018 08:10

@razzaqisaprick

Good Morning - Thanks for the comment. No I haven't issued any ultimatum I have just told him I won't be attending the funeral nor have I passed comment to him on his relationship that he wants to have with his mother. I have said I will support him in any other way that I can minus being physically present on the day. Which I get is probably whee he wants/needs me most. However as I say there are many children that would have been effected by this man actions (he was part of a ring) not just my partner.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 23/03/2018 08:13

Does your DP actually want you to go with him?

Perhaps it would be more appropriate for him to go and spend time re-building his relationship with his mother - I don't really see any need for you to go.

SpriteGirl · 23/03/2018 08:13

Agree with @razzaqisaprick

He told me all of this when I first met him and I don’t like to judge people based on the actions of their family members - so I didn’t I accepted that he had a traumatic childhood and left it at that

I am gobsmacked at the arrogance and self righteousness of this statement. Your DP was a child and is still a victim. I feel very sad for someone who survived all he did, it now facing the complexities of his fathers death and has someone as selfish as you for a partner.

category12 · 23/03/2018 08:13

Oh it's about how it looks to other people, isn't it?

Original poster

Scotsmum90 · 23/03/2018 08:17

@category12

What other people? I have never yet met the any of the people that may attend - its not about any other people.

OP posts:

thegreylady · 23/03/2018 08:17

You wouldn’t be going out of respect for the deceased but out of love and support for your dp. If this funeral offers closure of a sort for him then to know you are with him will mean more than he will say.
As for his mother, that can wait.

Original poster

Scotsmum90 · 23/03/2018 08:18

Anyway thank you for the responses they have been helpful. Much appreciated.

OP posts:

category12 · 23/03/2018 08:20

Well you're prepared to support him anywhere anyhow, except in public at the funeral.

idontwanttogetoutofbed · 23/03/2018 08:21

I'm sure the other children will be grateful you didn't go to this mans funeral

Some of them may even choose to go themselves to see him buried/burned

None of them will be feeling any gratitude to you for going or not going or likely even know who you are or why you do or don't go

Namethecat · 23/03/2018 08:21

It's his decision to attend, and yours not too. You are both adults.

Original poster

Scotsmum90 · 23/03/2018 08:27

@idontwanttogetoutofbed

I haven't claimed that they would acknowledge my private thoughts on this.

OP posts:

Laineymc7 · 23/03/2018 08:28

I appreciate how you feel and anyone would feel this way about such a vile human being. I also understand why you don’t want to go and your reasons are very valid. However Your poor dp has been let down by the two people who should have loved and protected him the most. As his dp I would support him however I could and how ever he wishes. Even if it meant putting my feelings aside and being their to hold his hand. He deserves the support.

Original poster

Scotsmum90 · 23/03/2018 08:29

@laineymc7

Ok, thank you.

OP posts:

Sealant · 23/03/2018 08:37

I never had a close relationship with my dad but it still hit me hard when he died. I really didn’t understand why until I got my answer from watching a soap where a son was upset about the death of his abusive father and he didn’t understand why either, until the counsellor suggested that he is morning the loss of the dad he wishes he had.

I’m due to get married next year and it really upsets me that my dad won’t be here to see me get married or walk me down the aisle but in all honesty if he was alive I wouldn’t have asked him to do it anyway.

Your partner may not fully understand his reasons for going to the funeral of his abuser at this time but you can go to the funeral and support your partner knowing that’s why you are there and not to show respect for the deceased

ShatnersWig · 23/03/2018 08:45

I would put my principles aside. I think it's pretty shitty of you to say you've lost respect for him. You have absolutely no idea what he's going through.

Love sometimes means putting your partner first for THEIR benefit.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 23/03/2018 08:52

I would strongly urge you to reconsider your decision.

Nobody will think you are condoning child abuse, or minimising it, if you go.

In any case, people before principles is the only principle worth holding onto in this situation.

And it is going to be a very difficult time for your DP. Go with him to the funeral and give him your support.

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