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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I won't attend my partners fathers funeral....

88 replies

Scotsmum90 · 22/03/2018 23:28

Please let me know what you think about this one this is not something I can discuss with anyone I know hence the post.

Been with my partner a couple of years now and he has recently been told that his dad has died.

He has been estranged fro his father but secretly in touch with his mother (against the fathers wishes). I know that he wants to build his relationship with his mum now that the father has past.

He is helping his mother organise things for the funeral..

The reason I won't attend is because his father was convicted of possession of indecent images of children and was part of a ring. He was caught and went to prison for a few years. However upon release he continued to view images.

My partners mother stood by the father through this all. Visited him in prison and took him back afterwards.

The father subjected my partner to abuse, he has never discussed this with his mother but feels that she knew and did nothing.

He told me all of this when I first met him and I don't like to judge people based on the actions of their family members - so I didn't I accepted that he had a traumatic childhood and left it at that we don't talk about it.

So on to the funeral.....

He is helping his mother plan the funeral and he will be attending

I have a older child from a previous relationship and as mother I cannot bring myself to attend a funeral of someone like that.

As much as I want to support my partner on this occasion I simply cannot.

I would never tell him that I have lost a bit of respect for him because he is going to the funeral....I am I wrong for feeling like this?

I said I will support hi in any other way that I can ( and I will)

However this has got me thinking - if we had a child together (we don't and I don't thing I want any more children) I think I would be having some strong words with him about him going to this funeral.....as mums what do you think of this?

OP posts:

CookieDoughKid · 23/03/2018 00:20

Sorry, don't mean to derail this thread but just to say, you are not being unreasonable AT ALL.

Jux · 23/03/2018 00:21

Can you miss the actual funeral but join your dp afterwards?

LookyLooky · 23/03/2018 00:30

You are not being unreasonable but I don’t think you should outright dismiss going. Sometimes if you hate someone you can go to the funeral and quietly use it as an opportunity to bury/burn the hatred up with the deceased. It can almost be a healthy thing to do. You can sit there thinking 'thank goodness the bastard is dead' Its the opposite of paying your respects.

If he went to prison for such an awful crime then it’s not as though people at the funeral won’t know.

eridanus · 23/03/2018 00:43

That is a very very hard decision and I don't think you are being AIBU either way. But I think I would tend towards doing what my Dp wanted of me and from me because he would be what matters most to me and if he needed me to be there, I would, I could care less about who is going into the ground. A lot of people at funerals go to support the living who are mourning, rather than being there in support of the dead person's life. However if you choose otherwise, I think it is ok too, it's a hard one to call.

caroldecker · 23/03/2018 00:44

YABU - not supporting him is making him suffer more - you are in danger of becoming complicit in his abuse.

nursy1 · 23/03/2018 00:46

My DH had a dreadful relationship with his father. His Dad just didn’t like him, constantly told him he was a failure, cut him out of inheriting, chucked him out at age 17.
Fast forward to his funeral and although he initially said he wasn’t going, ended up not only going but also doing a speech. I was gobsmacked 😶 still don’t understand and neither does he really.
He said he tried hard to remember the good things he had from his childhood, helping in the garden when he was very little and riding in the new car back from the dealers. It was a way of trying to imagine that he had a good father because now it was beyond repair. I kind of get that.
I identify with what you say OP. Until we had that conversation I felt that he was being hypocritical and I did lose respect and felt a bit disgusted with it all.
It’s a complicated thing a parent dying. I would just try to be supportive. Think your own thoughts but put on a brave face.

Original poster

Scotsmum90 · 23/03/2018 00:53

@caroldecker

How would I be complicit in my partners historical child abuse that took place year before I met him? Thrown by this comment to be honest.

OP posts:

Original poster

Scotsmum90 · 23/03/2018 00:54

*years

OP posts:

notangelinajolie · 23/03/2018 00:54

I think you should go for your partner not your partner's father. He needs closure - support him.

YellowBucket · 23/03/2018 01:06

I went to the funeral of the man that abused me. In many ways it helped put an end to what had happened. I didn’t go out of respect for him. He was gone but I was still here.

In addition to perhaps having these feelings (having been abused by his father), your partner wants to support his mum with whom he hasn’t had a relationship with. I can understand why you don’t want to go but given your partner has been let down by both his parents in some form or other during his life, I would try and go to support him if I could.

nursy1 · 23/03/2018 01:07

caroldecker
you are in danger of being complicit in his abuse

Eh? That’s nonsense!

You don’t have to go OP. I’m sure your dp would understand. I know I suggested you go, as have others but the final call it’s up to you. Don’t feel any guilt if you decide not to.

wasitheotherwoman · 23/03/2018 01:22

Of course you're not complicit in his abuse.

I think possibly that comment was a clumsy way of trying to say that you are potentially adding to the pain the abuse has caused him by not supporting him

As an abused person myself (entirely different scenario) I hold shame and guilt. I've told people I expected/hoped would be compassionate. Not everyone has. One in particular horrendously hurt me because they decided I didn't handle it exactly the way they thought I should. They added to the guilt/shame I now carry.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 23/03/2018 01:32

I think if you don’t go, you definitely risk harming your relationship.

If you’re willing to risk that, then it’s up to you. It depends where your priorities are.

shooshoopoopoo · 23/03/2018 01:37

Carol decker fuck me that's stupid.

I worry that by going to his funeral you would really giving a sort of green light to DP about an ongoing relationship with his DM in the future.

I really think you are In an impossible situation. He is going to want to believe that now his DF has gone he can have the loving relationship with his DM which widely have protected him as a child. He is blind to her faults to protect himself. Because the truth is too awful otherwise. P

shooshoopoopoo · 23/03/2018 01:38

Are you ready to give this one up if push comes to shove?

ReanimatedSGB · 23/03/2018 01:48

Well, it's up to you. But be cautious of trumpeting your principles as a reason not to support your DP in this. He is going to be feeling very mixed up and would probably very much welcome your support. Can you think about what 'principle' exactly you are following by refusing to go to the funeral? Is it simply that child abusers are scum and therefore should not be given funeral rites in the first place? Are you worried that you will be percieved as 'tainted' in some way by attending? Or that other people might assume your presence means you have 'forgiven' the old dead nonce? (As you never met the man, it's not your business to forgive him in any way.)

If you don't want to go because you will find it deeply upsetting/traumatizing that's another matter. But please don't condemn your DP for being involved with the funeral and attending. A lot of people will go to the funeral of someone they hated because they find it comforting to know the bastard's really dead; it helps them to let go of the hatred and move on.

cheeseismydownfall · 23/03/2018 01:54

Thinking of it as an opportunity for your DH to gain closure, rather than paying respects, is really good advice.

But I wonder, how would it / does it feel to hear the life of deceased being praised, as tends to be the norm at funerals? I can't imagine how I would feel about that in your DH's situation.

category12 · 23/03/2018 06:37

This is a time to be led by your partner's wishes - it's not really the time to make a stand on whatever principle it is. It's about your dp coming to terms with the death of his awful father. Support him in whatever way he says would be most helpful.

Ryder63 · 23/03/2018 06:53

Personally I would go to support my partner. As a pp said, the father is dead and won't know you're there! I feel it would help your partner, who must be in a turmoil of conflicting feelings.

joystir59 · 23/03/2018 07:03

Funerals are a time for the living to draw close and share emotions and memories. You should be there at your partner's side OP sharing this momentous ocassion.

Bekabeech · 23/03/2018 07:10

If I went I would make it conditional on my DP getting professional help.

To be honest without it I'd see you DP as a bit of a ticking time bomb. Especially for the moment he realises his mother either didn't want to know about him being abused or was complicit - her marriage was more important than him.

TheNaze73 · 23/03/2018 07:13

Do exactly what you want OP. I wouldn’t go.

ChickenMom · 23/03/2018 07:16

What an incredibly sad post. I feel for your DP. He’s now trying to build a relationship with the woman who didn’t protect him and who chose to not have contact with him to appease his abuser. How truly awful for him. I can’t understand how any woman/mother can do that to their own child. She must be incredibly damaged. I’d be watching that one like a hawk if I was you, to make sure she doesn’t damage him further. She might not be able to offer him what he needs. In your situation I would go to the funeral and hold his hand. Poor guy :(

turnipfarmers · 23/03/2018 07:25

I agree under any other circumstances I would be there with my partner. However my reason for not attending is because the father committed crimes against children so it just out of principle personally.

Hell would freeze over before I showed any respect for a person like that. However hell would also freeze over before I let a man like that have the final ''victory' by him being able to deprive my DP of the opportunity for support at the funeral.

Could you be there for your DP but wait outside the church as a compromise?

BiologyMatters · 23/03/2018 07:25

If your partner can't rely on your support at a time like this then its not much of a relationship is it?

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