I won't attend my partners fathers funeral....

[Scotsmum90]

Please let me know what you think about this one this is not something I can discuss with anyone I know hence the post.

Been with my partner a couple of years now and he has recently been told that his dad has died.

He has been estranged fro his father but secretly in touch with his mother (against the fathers wishes). I know that he wants to build his relationship with his mum now that the father has past.

He is helping his mother organise things for the funeral..

The reason I won't attend is because his father was convicted of possession of indecent images of children and was part of a ring. He was caught and went to prison for a few years. However upon release he continued to view images.

My partners mother stood by the father through this all. Visited him in prison and took him back afterwards.

The father subjected my partner to abuse, he has never discussed this with his mother but feels that she knew and did nothing.

He told me all of this when I first met him and I don't like to judge people based on the actions of their family members - so I didn't I accepted that he had a traumatic childhood and left it at that we don't talk about it.

So on to the funeral.....

He is helping his mother plan the funeral and he will be attending

I have a older child from a previous relationship and as mother I cannot bring myself to attend a funeral of someone like that.

As much as I want to support my partner on this occasion I simply cannot.

I would never tell him that I have lost a bit of respect for him because he is going to the funeral....I am I wrong for feeling like this?

I said I will support hi in any other way that I can ( and I will)

However this has got me thinking - if we had a child together (we don't and I don't thing I want any more children) I think I would be having some strong words with him about him going to this funeral.....as mums what do you think of this?

It seems to me that if you and your older child and your partner want to go on and function as some kind of family, the way you have been attempting to deal with this is going to break down. It has already broken down.

Normally a child whose mother has been in a relationship for a couple of years would consider the partner as a stepdad. She would know about her stepdad's family and meet them. If her stepdad had a difficult background and was not seeing much of his relatives, and age-appropriate explanation would be given. Your partner will now be experiencing significant grief and confusion as he tries to understand his past and deal with the future. If you and your child and your partner are all living together, your child will pick up on this.

The crimes that your partner's father committed are serious and extremely distressing. But I think you have to start facing what it means to be a mother who is in a committed relationship with somebody who is the survivor of abuse. You are, whether you like it or not, part of a complicated situation. You can't really say, 'I'm not going to the funeral and therefore it is all perfectly simple.'

I personally couldn't breathe the same air as the mother

You should go and support him.
Sounds like everybody else in his life has put themselves first - please don't join this list. He will know you do not want to be there and that you are only doing it for him. That will make the gesture even more important to your relationship.

Actually, I can't believe you would even consider leaving him alone to face all this. The poor sod.

If you have children with this man you can never ever allow his mother alone with them.

I have said I will support him in any other way that I can minus being physically present on the day

I hope the man that raped me dies before I do so I can go to his funeral. I know my dh would be right beside me in support and not being selfish in putting his own needs first.

I think you should follow his lead because you will never ever understand his thoughts and feelings in relation to his father and his past.

Ask yourself what you would do if in the future your son was convicted of the same crime. It's complex when it's a family member. The objective rules don't apply when it's someone who is a part of you who has done the unthinkable. Without experiencing the same yourself you can't understand so should not judge. Attending the funeral with your DP is not about the father, it's about your DP. And I personally would do it for him. He doesn't need you to tell him what a fucked up monster his dad was. He knows better than anyone.

As a survivor myself I have some insight into what he might be feeling but obviously I can't actually know.
My opinion.

What he needs is what is important in this situation, he probably doesn't want to go and he might regret it but on the other hand this might be a physical way to close a chapter for him. Being there and actually seeing him dead might be the thing he needs to finally see that it is over and he has no power therefore your dp gains that power back.

If this had been a party for him alive I would definitely agree with you but the man is dead and your not celebrating his life. it's not about him it's about your dp.

If I were in your situation I would be there. My personal feelings would be put aside and I'd hold my dp's hand and know that the only person in the world who knows the whole truth who weren't part of it was me and so I'm the only person who can support him while others say nice things about the monster who's funeral we were at.

He needs someone to put him first because he's had too many people doing the opposite. Show him that by telling you he will be heard and supported. And that even though you don't understand his choice you will be by his side while he makes it.
Show him that while doing that you are not condoning anything that took place but you will support him after the fact.

Poor DH...

I’d be right by his side, supporting him through a horrendous experience.

What your partner needs is important here, far more important than your principles. It is about him as he was the one who suffered the abuse. If it helps then think about it as an act of defiance against the bastard - you are there helping your partner heal from him. His father did not succeed in breaking him as he is with a woman that loves him enough to swallow her personal feelings in order to support him. You will help him heal whilst his father cannot hurt anyone ever again.

I really think you should go.

What I survived was less in terms of its severity. But my life fell apart when my father died. It was only then that I allowed myself to look at how bad my early life was. I also realised that I had hope for a closer relationship with my mother once my father was out of the way. However, I had to confront the extend of her involvement with what he did. There was a kind of double bereavement. I do not know how I would have got through it without my partner's love and support.

Obviously it is for you to decide what your partner means to you. But I suspect that if the most important thing for you is clinging to fixed ideas of what you can and can't do, he is - at least initially until he gets to the point where he can access proper help - going to be facing emotional turmoil on his own.

You should go to support your DP. I feel for your DP what a horrid situation. Sorry this is not about you OP.