So how do I meet a decent, late 40’s man?

[Tigerstripycat]

I’m 47, have been divorced for 3 years and I’m looking to meet someone - but it seems impossible. Where do decent, educated men in their late 40s, early 50s hang out?!

All my friends are married, with married friends, so not much luck there. I’ve tried OLD on and off over two years, and I’ve had lots of first dates, one 6 month relationship, and a very short fling (we’ve ended up being good mates though, which is great.) There is definitely a lack of candidates out there.

Any ideas? Cycling, climbing? I’ve got a 7 year old sportyish DS so am thinking of shamelessly roping him in to help my cause (obviously he’s unaware...!) Maybe I should set up a cycling with kids Meetup group...

Anyone else in the same boat?

As a mid-40s man, I can categorically state:

a) my mum doesn't do anything for me round my flat except she comes round and helps me with the garden because she enjoys it
b) I don't belong to a political party
c) I don't cycle
d) I don't go to the gym
e) I don't go to classic rock gigs
f) I'm not set in my ways or want to date women in their 20s or 30s
g) I'm not gay
h) I don't have a crazy ex as I haven't been married but get on perfectly well with my ex who I was with for 11 years
i) I still have a very healthy interest in sex although not getting any
j) I don't have kids
k) I don't watch or play football, rugby or cricket or go climbing

So I'm clearly not most men going by this thread!

I've found the main problem is that either they are recently (or relatively recently) separated and not yet over the ex, or they have been single for years (or never really in a full time relationship) and are firmly set in their ways with huge 'expectations' of what a girlfriend should be and do.

Shatners you've listed what you don't do but where would a fortysomething woman meet you?

Worrynot1 interesting that you see a relationship as a hassle, where do you meet the women that you date? How many dates before it becomes a "relationship"?

Hampstead Clearly at places where single fortysomething women don't hang out or I'd not be long-term single either!

I'm middle fifties, happily married, overweight and middling in looks, but in the last month l've been approached by men in your target age group in two places, one was Pret where l was waiting to meet my Mum and a guy offered to buy me coffee, the other was the local library which has a coffee shop attached and a man asked if he could share my table and struck up conversation. Now maybe they were both just very friendly souls, and since l politely nipped conversation in the bud l never found out what my Mum would call their " intentions," but it did cross my mind that maybe coffee shops/libraries are in fact dating hot spots!

This sounds like a joke, but I am always approached my nice seeming men in that age bracket in garden centres no less. I have no idea what it is about gardening, but I have been checked out virtually every time I go. I also second the library, been asked for my number several times there too. Another unlikely place if you have a sewing hobby is sewing expos. Been to the Knitting and Stitching show 3 times and ended up trading tips with very nice men who have asked for my number. Quite a few men sew or knit. There were quite a sizable number of 'hobby couples' there. So maybe just go with where your own interests are and take them further. Also chess playing groups. A friend of a friend met her husband at one. Men apparently take their hobbies to extremes more so be prepared to show real interest, go a bit further.

I love, love this post.

Im not ready to open this chapter yet but will do eventually.

I have a couple of friends whove met their partners through coincidental meetings. Id be so happy if that happened to me.

Im early 40s with very young family which i guess in the dating world could be considered obstacles.

Definitely agree that mn should do a dating website!

Go to b&q, all the hot builders & handymen go there!

But seriously one of my friends is 49, unmarried & no kids, she lives in a council flat & the council sent round a handyman to fix something.
There she was in her pjs, hair in a mess, answered the door to the handyman and they both fell in love (or lust).
He's 41 and good looking.
Several months later they're very happy!!

No idea.

I tried OLD for 3 years and met nobody lasting. Men online over reach so Im open to it but i think the entitlement online makes it the worst place to meet somebody. OLD gave me confidence though.

I dont know if it is posdible to meet your equal at this age. I think if you gave in and settled for a man 10 years older and probably fatter too you would find somebody but that isnt for me.

Met my OH when I was 46, he was 43...OLD . We get married this year 😃

Much of this equally applies to women, too, though. My last OLD experience was an absolute disaster because the woman I dated briefly was clearly not over her ex by a long shot. And tempus I think both genders over reach on OLD sites because it's like a conveyor belt/sweet shop mentality. He/She is OK but look at that one further down the page... There are people who, if you met them in real life, you'd hit it off immediately in the flesh, but who you wouldn't pick just from a photo.

There have been loads of threads on this topic over the last year and the same answers get trotted out each time - cycling and climbing being the main two. Salsa dancing is the other one.

I dont over reach. I dont contact anybody years younger or much better looking.

I am slim healthy active employed etc and if i approach 'the same' they dont reply because they are messaging women who wont be interested in them. Or who might be who knows.

I think OLD is the worst platform for an attractive woman in her late forties as your worth on line is defined first and foremost by your age. Obviously in real life there is a sense of that happening too but in real life i tjink 50 year old men are less inclined to dismiss a friendly attractive woman of 47 than on line.
So i havent given up. I am open to meeting somebody but it wont be on line.

Who knows. I dont care as much as i used to.

JapaneseJazz and MrSandman - crying with laughter. I'm getting some odd looks from the boss so I'm off back to work.

Re hobbies tho. I found that for me a switch flicked when i concentrated on activities that gave me contentment on my OWN.

No more chasing the hope that you will meet somebody single at some social event.

I guess ive become more introverted.

I would prefer to be extrovert on my own terms. Joining thingx where there might be single men is just soul destroying.

I single man that's in his late 40s that has never been married is going to have a bucket full of quirks and issues. A single that that is in latre 40s that is divorced is going to be playing the field and trying laid a lot.
A single guy thats in his late 40s that is sane and ready for a relationship is going to be doing stuff that interests him.. taking evening classes or go to sports bars to hang out with other other guys/friends.

Don't assume that men with no kids will be put off or won't understand. My boyfriend (45) has no kids of his own but is absolutely brilliant with my DS, and totally understanding of my role as a parent and the demands of DS on my time.
He's a rare breed, I think, but they are out there!

Not used OLD myself as married but a male colleague announced this week that the last couple of dates who were around his age looked really old so he was going to look for some one around 5-10 years younger now. I didn't comment but thought that perhaps they think that about him too.

Also My DM (widowed) signed up to OLD when she was 60 but quickly lost interest when she realised the only men interested in her age group were 70-85!

Can you get your OLD-friend to introduce you to friends / colleagues?

I think OLD is something you really have to stick at. I did it for 5 years before I met my DH.

I also think you need to pick your OLD site carefully. To me, Tinder and POF are definitely aimed at a younger user base. I'd probably go for eHarmony, I found it attracted people who were more serious about actually meeting someone for a relationship than other sites I used.

Similar answers to Shatners for me except item e: but I am somewhat older, but not dead yet!
I think having strong interests of your own which you pursue as well as interests in common is probably the way to go.

jayne35, yes ageing only applies to women you see

I wish I could find some man a decade older than I am and 30 kilos over his ideal weight attractive. I really do.

Feezles, how do you keep having the same conversation over and over again. When somebody messages me ''hi'' I have literally zero enthusiasm to reply. Sometimes I do if I'm bored or if I check their profile and it contains even one thing that amuses me (and nothing offensive)

The amound of men in their 50s talking about the kind of 'girl' they're looking for! I don't know whether to laugh or cry!

How about joining some more focused or interest-based OLD sites? Some of them have a focus like theatre, music, religion, food, sports etc.

Tempus, which OLD sites are you using? Honestly, if anyone ever messaged me just saying 'Hi', I would ignore them. I learned it was basically shorthand for 'I'm going to put zero effort in, but I was wondering if you'll still have sex with me anyway'. If they can't be bothered, then neither should you be. I found that sort of thing happened a LOT on My Single Friend (is that even still going?) and one of the others I used (can't remember what it was called) but barely ever on eHarmony.

I sent out a LOT of emails myself to try and get conversations started. I had a template - pick one thing I liked on the profile and ask a question about it, adding a standard start and finish sentence, done. It's a numbers game - the more you send, the more replies you'll get. It take a bit of effort, but you are then controlling the conversation, and asking a question up front gives something (different each time) to talk about. DH did something similar - he had a little quiz he used to send out (very lighthearted), and I must admit it's what reeled me in.

Still, it's hard to string that sort of thing out over email, and you really can't tell much about someone until you meet in person, so I would try to move it on to an actual date as quickly as possible. It isn't just that real conversation is easier - you can also test the chemistry and waste less time chatting to someone who ultimately is never going to float your boat. Plus, you can also drink wine while you do it, which was always a bonus for me.

However - this is not to day, I didn't sometimes fine it soul destroying, because I did. There were times when no one replied to me, when I just got strings of emails from chancers who thought they were being charming but so clearly just wanted a shag, and when date after date ended up with a thanks-but-no-thanks. During those times, I stomped off, swearing never again, only to slink back a couple of months later because I never, ever met any men any other way.

It paid off in the end, so I'm glad I stuck at it. But it took quite a lot of effort!

mm2one I'm not divorced because my ex didn't want to get married having been married once before. We lived together for almost 11 years. Not sure what my bucket full of quirks and issues are, perhaps you can enlighten me? I'm out most nights doing hobbies and I have friends of both sexes (almost all married themselves). I meet lots of people, but very seldom single ones. But I don't hang out at sports bars. Presumably on your list I have no chance whatsoever?

Jayne Actually, I can slightly sympathise with your colleague. Either a lot of people lie about their age or have had very hard lives. When I was OLD I looked at women six years older and six years younger than me. Most of those who were supposedly six years younger looked several years older than me. Now, I do get told I look younger than my years and when I mentioned this to a female friend she thought I was being harsh. So I showed her results on POF, Match and Tinder. She agreed that the vast majority looked considerably older than I did.

As for the men only wanting younger models, my ex (the one I never married) was 11 years older than me. The gap did eventually become an issue but as you can see, my age parameters are not only considerably younger.

Tempus I agree about doing hobbies you enjoy. There's no point going salsa dancing if you hate dancing. Because if you did happen to meet someone there who really liked it and who wanted to go on a regular basis, it probably isn't going to work. And having a shared interest is always a good ice breaker. It's usually clear if you're doing something under sufferance or with an ulterior motive.