Family breaking apart due to family dog

[Michellem2321]

Sorry this is my first time on this and I've not really got a clue! Sorry if this is all wrong. Anyway I was looking for some advice if possible. I'm a 30 year old mother of 2 kids boy 11 girl 6. I've been with their father nearly 14 years. My relationship is miserable at the moment, has been for many years. My partner is jealous controlling over bearing and very possessive. I never saw it for many years, put it down to his love for me but after many years of feeling sick thinking of going home after night shifts, I finally found an article stating 13 ways you know your in a controlled relationship. He ticks every box, also has this Jekyll and Hyde personality, makes me feel useless then a Queen within days! Anyway I confronted him and he admitted he can be this way and promised to get help and change. This has happened in some areas I must admit however his dark side appears every so often as always!!

Anyway he has always pressured me for a dog, his brother was allergic as kids and he's always wanted one!! I got him a puppy before we had our son and he was horrible and a bully to her, after I gave birth I couldn't handle it all and my dad took dog. I vowed never get another animal again. However I've been guilt tripped for years and years then having kids on his side saying I'm selfish and stopping them getting what they want bla bla, so I caved. I got my son a Siberian husky (again his father choice dog) nearly 3 years ago. I cannot cope with the hair it's everywhere literally ruining my full flat. I can't even enjoy my food it's all over, kids can't play on floor. And I'm a clean freak I spend hours brushing her to reduce hair but Nothing works. I'm also a bit scared of her as she's snarled and snaps a few times although never action harmed anyone. My man says that's her being cheeky she'd never harm anyone. I can't even enjoy food anymore, I think I'm eating hair constant, I only eat packet of crisps most times through day. I've told my partner I can no longer live like this, I want a clean fresh home I'm proud of, I work hard and I want kids be able play anywhere or drop a sweet and it not be caked in hair. My partner has said I'm such an evil monster he hopes my kids hold it against me forever too. I'm really stuck, am I a monster for not being able settle with dog? She's not bad or anything it just makes me terribly miserable. She's also very hyper and has hurt my shoulder and back a few times, never behaves outside. I am at the end of my tether, should I keep dog and continue to suffer or should I stick to my guns? I've told my partner if he is so attached he should go with dog? I know he'll only hold it against me forever if he stayed anyway. Thanks guys X

He is an adult. He is not your problem. Get rid of the dog and then get rid of him. Your children deserve better than this. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for them. You can model good relationships, you absolutely can do this. You have your whole life ahead of you. You deserve to be happy and live a life free from fear and bullying.

Please call Women's Aid.

OP 30s is still young!!

Please do call.

Thinking of you

Nothing you're writing sounds silly. You have spent your entire adult like with him. It must be really frightening to contemplate being on your own.

But just imagine: you and the kids in a clean and tidy home, your friends able to come over, you able to go out, you being able to cook nice food, hanging out together, never afraid of what mood he's going to be in when you hear his key in the door.

Strangely enough my partner is now starting to agree with me? Only from last night. Maybe it's because I said they both should leave?

HA! There’s a a surprise. Next thing you know he’ll be love bombing you and try to convince you that he’ll change. Don’t fall for it, because the whole thing will creep slowly slowly back to the dysfunctional ‘normal’, that you are currently living in. Then you’ll be older, possibly with another child and regretting the time you’ve wasted. He’ll continue to treat you like dirt while turning your children against you and at the same time telling you that you will ‘hurt your children’ by ‘splitting up the family’. It’s a well practiced script that all abusers use.

You owe it to yourself and your children to have a better life. You are much stronger than you realise, or you wouldn’t have come through your difficult life, so far. Your children deserve to see their mum happy and they’re not seeing that at the moment.

Ps. Is there any chance he’s reading your Mumsnet posts?

Well it's convenient if he will support you in rehoming the dog now. Get that out of the way. And then get rid of the real dog (although calling him that seems very unfair on dogs...).

Since a kid I've be always been the adult, my parents had problems and I was the grown up very early, even when I lost my mum at 7 I became No1 carer for my gran, I was here til I was 16 when I met my partner. It all moved pretty fast, he was just out a serious relationship and right into another one?? I just lived in a Wee bubble for a while couldn't believe someone was looking after me? I noticed within weeks he was extremely jealous, again i took as a good way and him showing his care? Now when I look back I see red flags everywhere! He hated me doing modelling, hated me having any sort of social media (I've been off it 4 years now) hates me working I've had leave so many jobs. Now I have a great Wee job I love but it's nightshift again something he hates, but I've not gave this job up I'm adamant I won't either. When I confront him and say I want go diff ways etc he turns into most charming guy ever, promise us the world. I just wanted the normal family I never had, maybe I wanted it a little too much though. I have emailed woman's aid too, 🌹

@PositivelyPERF yes and your right that all happens too, with any fight he's horrible then sorry and it's just coz loves me so much. No he's not too clued up with these sites etc, plus he wouldn't be able hold it in he'd have to confront me if he did.

@CapnHaddock that would be amazing I don't ever have anyone in my house, isolated myself from everyone. Whenever I say I'm going for dinner at friends he makes out that's abnormal? Why would u and a friend go for dinner? He has a huge issue with my best friend mainly because she's been in my life longer than him (since we were 4) he hates she knows me before he did.

I want go diff ways etc he turns into most charming guy ever, promise us the world.

Love bombing. He’s a wicked, manipulative prick.

OP. I was looking for a loving family when I was your age, so that really resonated with me. At 17 I met a 30yr old man and ended up in an abusive relationship, but he made the mistake of threatening violence against my sister. It was then that the penny dropped. It really wasn’t ME, it was HIM! All the so called love and passion was actually seething jealousy, control and, I honestly believe, hatred. I truly believe that these men actually HATE their wives/partners, otherwise why would they treat them like that. If they treated a dog the way they treat women, they’d either be reported or the dog would bite the fuckers, whereas we women continue trying to be ‘good enough’ for them and cling to the scraps of ‘kindness’ and so called love, they throw our way. Just like an abused dog will like having it’s ears scratched, while cowering in case the scratch becomes a smack.

That's what normal life is like. That's what your life should be like, could be like, without him in it.

You and your kids deserve this. Talk to your best friend - she sounds like a good woman and I'm sure will support you

Rehome your partner and the dog. Why would you stay with this controlling prick and put your kids through putting up with him and his dog? He’s a bully to animals and humans and your still with him?

Please remember that men who are controlling, manipulative or worse are often also very, very charming. It's how they get away with it. Please keep in mind the awful way he mostly behaves, screw up all your courage and get him out of your life. You can do it.

I'm amazed by all the negative comments to the OP as well. Clearly to them the dog is more important than the OP

Hello OP. Clearly you have a "D"H probme, not a dog problem. He sounds like an utter utter abusive arsehole.

Is there any way you can get him out with the dog?

@PositivelyPERF that's awful I'm glad you escaped well done❤️👍🏼.
I honestly thought at start it was love and he was just worried he'd lose me as I was younger, whenever we went out to pubs or clubs etc he would go mad if I wasn't by his side and god help anyone who looked in my direction. He is still this way a lot, if any guy looks at me or anything he will literally say "who you fucking looking at"? It's humiliating, this has calmed a lot not because him but because I don't try as much as I used too, I barely wear make up or make any sort effort. He doesn't like some members of my family so when their kids have parties etc we can't go, he will say you go!! But then slates them for hours so it's easier just leave it. He doesn't actual say no just pressures n pushes til I cave, then makes me feel was my choice.

isolated myself from everyone.

No! he has isolated you

@Lovemusic33 if it was as easy as that I wouldn't be here asking for help now would I??? I can't answer why I'm still here I can only say I know it's not right and I want find the strength. It's not easy admitting you've screwed up and became a walkover you know, id never have dreamt id take shit off no man - but I am admitting it! I failed and I'm struggling get out the mess.

ALl the people instructing her to "just get rid of him" - how?

Do YOU know how? I know how, because I did it, but I also give the OP detailed instructions on how. I am not seeing anyone else criticising her whilst helping, it's all just criticism

He barged into a neglected child's life when she was 16 and he took it over. Can any of you imagine the relief she felt to NOT have to make all the decisions and be in charge and look after everyone? Of course she feels scared, she has never been an adult without him in charge.

It's ok to feel scared. It's ok to feel like you love him. It's ok to feel guilty. It's ok to feel like you don't want to do this, like you want to let it all settle and go back to 'normal'. But it isn't ok to act on those feelings. You have to be the big one for your kids now. Their dad isn't a good man. You're worried he won't cope without you - if he doesn't cope, it's on purpose to spite you, and you may be AMAZED at how quickly he latches onto some other young thing

M2321 please remember there are people posting here who really have no concept at all of what your life is like. Lucky them!

You poor woman. You deserve a much better life. My ex stalked e for a year, but I never, ever acknowledged him or the crap he sent me, other than to make a point of putting the flowers, etc in the outside bin, at the front of the house, just in case he was watching.

I went on to met a wonderful man, but it honestly took months, if not years, for me to trust him. That’s how damaged I was. He was amazing and treated me like I was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to him. I sadly lost him to cancer three years ago, but had over 20 wonderful years with him. I never could see what he saw in me, but that never stopped him adoring me and treating me as an equal. Good luck op.

Excellent advice from colditz

@colditz thank you so much. Your very right I loved not being in charge just for once, I always had worry and stress and for a small period it was lifted, I like looking after everyone I like making people happy sometimes I forget I'm not making myself happy. I feel like a complete idiot it took me years to realise now I've realised I'm terrified to make next step, not for myself only but my kids. I know he wouldn't leave without a fight, I know how vicious his tongue can be etc sometimes I'm scared what the aftermath would be. Yes I also believe he'd move on fast too he needs attention he hates if he's not getting lots! Strangely enough his brother is exact same, thankfully his last gf escaped ! He's 32 and has a gf at 17, now buying home etc. These ppl are everywhere

@PositivelyPERF awww I'm so sorry to hear that, I'm glad you made you happy though and you's had a lot of wonderful years together. Thank you for all your help and posts🌹

STOP THAT! You didn’t screw up or fail. You wouldn’t tell your best friend she screwed up or failed if she was in an abusive relationship, would you? Just think how cruel it would be to think that of someone else. HE has made you think this, by grinding you down and taking away your self belief. He picked a vulnerable young woman, because he knew he would find that your youth would make you easier to manipulate, control and train. Do you think he would have picked you if you were 22? No, because you would have been more self assured and there would have been a risk of you fighting back.

I remember watching a program about paedophiles and one of the perverts was saying that he could pick out a potential ‘victim’ by simply watching a group of children in a playground. He had a very good sense of the most vulnerable child and who would be too frightened to speak out. It was nauseating, but actually made a lot of sense.

Btw, I’m not saying he’s a paedo, but just pointing out the similarities between that creep and the controlling man who is looking for a woman to ‘own’. Make no mistake, they do set out to own you. These men don’t go looking for the woman who has lots of friends, a gob on her and a sense of self worth. They look for a woman to mold into a well trained slave.

@BitOutOfPractice thank you🌹. No as no one will take dog on, his family etc have all said they'd never take in dog (they work too). I have contacted dogs trust and they've sent me a form to complete. I feel the dog will go and any fight we have it'll be brought Up and held against me. I think for myself if I make dog happier with new home first then concentrate on my next plan of getting out this mess.

@PositivelyPERF I feel like I have especially when some people are asking why am daft enough stand for it? If I got a small review of way my life would've turned out I would have ran away instant, but I didn't he wasn't horrible to begin with, it looks like it was all an act of course but I didn't see it for years. I still can't believe it's real? Why would anyone want hurt someone they supposedly love in such a horrible way. I've been accused of cheating for many years too, which is horrible and very degrading esp the name calling.

Lol no I understand what you mean, the loud goby type you mention is what my Friends like and he hates it! Always says she sounds like a slut so I must be one too. Then admitted other day he'd prefer I was more open as now I don't speak about anything. Suppose that's my way of protecting myself too.

Yes, the dog will be another stick to beat you with a guess but you can't go on living like that can you?

Pity he didn't take you up on your suggestion on fucking off with the dog. These arseholes never do though

There's been some excellent advice on here from some very knowledgeable women and I hope you are able to be free of him and happy very soon. I think, by what you've said here, that you are actually a lot stronger than you think you are