Family breaking apart due to family dog

[Michellem2321]

Sorry this is my first time on this and I've not really got a clue! Sorry if this is all wrong. Anyway I was looking for some advice if possible. I'm a 30 year old mother of 2 kids boy 11 girl 6. I've been with their father nearly 14 years. My relationship is miserable at the moment, has been for many years. My partner is jealous controlling over bearing and very possessive. I never saw it for many years, put it down to his love for me but after many years of feeling sick thinking of going home after night shifts, I finally found an article stating 13 ways you know your in a controlled relationship. He ticks every box, also has this Jekyll and Hyde personality, makes me feel useless then a Queen within days! Anyway I confronted him and he admitted he can be this way and promised to get help and change. This has happened in some areas I must admit however his dark side appears every so often as always!!

Anyway he has always pressured me for a dog, his brother was allergic as kids and he's always wanted one!! I got him a puppy before we had our son and he was horrible and a bully to her, after I gave birth I couldn't handle it all and my dad took dog. I vowed never get another animal again. However I've been guilt tripped for years and years then having kids on his side saying I'm selfish and stopping them getting what they want bla bla, so I caved. I got my son a Siberian husky (again his father choice dog) nearly 3 years ago. I cannot cope with the hair it's everywhere literally ruining my full flat. I can't even enjoy my food it's all over, kids can't play on floor. And I'm a clean freak I spend hours brushing her to reduce hair but Nothing works. I'm also a bit scared of her as she's snarled and snaps a few times although never action harmed anyone. My man says that's her being cheeky she'd never harm anyone. I can't even enjoy food anymore, I think I'm eating hair constant, I only eat packet of crisps most times through day. I've told my partner I can no longer live like this, I want a clean fresh home I'm proud of, I work hard and I want kids be able play anywhere or drop a sweet and it not be caked in hair. My partner has said I'm such an evil monster he hopes my kids hold it against me forever too. I'm really stuck, am I a monster for not being able settle with dog? She's not bad or anything it just makes me terribly miserable. She's also very hyper and has hurt my shoulder and back a few times, never behaves outside. I am at the end of my tether, should I keep dog and continue to suffer or should I stick to my guns? I've told my partner if he is so attached he should go with dog? I know he'll only hold it against me forever if he stayed anyway. Thanks guys X

Michelle you are not pathetic. Ignore people who say otherwise. You have been worn down and controlled and yes the dog was a mistake but not of your making by the sounds of it.
I am glad you are wising up to your partner and like everyone else has said you need to get rid asap.
Contact agencies that can help and take steps to end the relationship.
As for the dog well that needs rehoming asap as well i am afraid. Good luck for the future. I hope better times are ahead for you and your children

I asked about GoT because I've seen so many people get these dogs because they all think that they come ready trained, and make them look like some sort of mythical character from this show. A vet near me has one of these dogs that they found on a beach. It was micro chipped so they contacted the owner who said they took it to the beach so it would run as they couldn't be bothered with it. They told her to keep it, so she did. Sadly the TV/Films influence a great many people (Harry Potter owl, anyone)

@flapjackfairy I'm actually regretting posting anything, I know I messed up really badly I was just trying keep everyone happy and my kids do adore dog too, it's not like she sits unloved she's very much got their attention constantly too. I just can't cope with it all, I also look after my poorly father it can be a lot. Thank you so much. Your post is appreciated x

Oh I am well aware that he may become violent when OP rehomes his dog. This would be ideal, in fact, because then she can call the police and have him removed with no grey areas about whether or not the abuse was 'bad enough' to call the police.

At some point you have to stop mollifying them, because you actively stand in the way of your own rescue. You have to just act normally (rehome an unsuitably homed dog) and let him react normally for him (smashing things, abusing anyone nearby, threatening violence, acting violent) and let the natural consequence of that behaviour play out.

I only shifted my abuser when I decided to act 'normally'. i went out when I wanted to, and called the police when he threw things at me. then called the police again when he came back and shouted through the letterbox "Ds1, mummy hates you and doesn't want you to love your daddy because she's a fcuking bitch"

I do know what abusive men are like - and I also know what trying to get rid of them through the police is like. You're likely to come up against "Well, he may say he'll break your jaw if you left but he hasn't actually done anything wrong, has he love? You've just had a fall out, not a police matter." Sometimes you have to make it a police matter by digging your heels in and letting him go nuts at your sudden defiance

His idea to get this unsuitable dog for your flat is also another way of controlling you; this dog is purely a status symbol for him

A thousand times this.

Op you are not pathetic or weak, you have just been bullied all your life. Take the first baby steps to getting free. The wise vipers here can help.

@Wornoutbear that's really interesting she is like the wolf and has their namesake. That is awful, I would never put her to any harm I just want the best for us all. I wouldn't let her go unless it's like dogstrust etc, I've no interested in selling her or giving to just anyone.

Your relationship has been miserable for many years. He sounds like a dick and the dog is just the straw that breaks the camels back.

I was where you are, controlling, manipulative, 2 dogs he wanted but my responsibility. Leave him x

@Curious1981 what a cruel thing to say to someone in a truly awful situation.

I hope this has made you feel better and you can go about your day with a sense of power now.

Take no notice OP. of course having that breed of dog in a flat is absurd, you know that now and you knew it then. But when someone is controlling and abusing you in ways you aren't even aware of until after the fact, it's a very very hard cycle to stop.

You've made the first step. It's time to make the next step.

Ignore the naysayers.

You didn't wilfully get yourself in this situation, but you can get out of it. Good luck.

@colditz I'm sorry to hear that your position sounds a lot like mine, well done for escaping 👍🏼. Last time I threatened to throw him out he went told kids I was throwing their daddy out, my daughter was breaking her heart ! Usual I caved he win. Sometimes I feel so strong and like that's it, I do throw him out then the messages and calls start, I just feel so drained all time I don't even look the same anymore. Part of me still can't believe he is actually that sort of person?

My abusive relationship was ended 11 years ago. It took me a year to fully recover - but I DID recover, and my thirties have been the best years of my life because I'm free. I met a lovely man, who lets me do whatever I want whenever I want, and thinks he's the lucky one!

What helped me to stay strong and not take him back for the final time, was reminding myself that a) my kids need to grow up in a home where nobody is being abused, not even a cat, and certainly not their mum. B) it may be that he really can't help acting that way but that's all the more reason to throw him out because it means he will never stop. How can he stop when he CAN'T?. C) He's like cigarettes. I might feel like I need him but I don't, I'm just addicted, he's harmful, and one day he will probably kill me

When your kids break their hearts about him moving out, be really really calm and smily, and say "Of COURSE he will be ok, Granda is ok, and he doesn't live here, and uncle x is ok, and he doesn't live here. Lot's of people's dads live somewhere else and he will still be a really good dad if he wants to be. He will have his own place and there will never be any more arguing here"

Cos I guarantee they hate the way he treats you. Of course they freak out when you try and make him leave, he manipulates them worse than he manipulates you - manipulating a child was how you two got together in the first place.

I know you're not weak, but it might be time to BE weak, and let him drop. You're holding the rope that stops him dropping, stops him feeling the real consequences of his behaviour. Stop protecting him, and start acting normally. Report crimes. Rehome the dog. Leave the abuser.

Fucking hell I can’t believe how harsh people have been to the OP! She’s come on here asking for help and admitting fault, yet she’s been called pathetic and passive.

It’s clear that the problem is your DH, and that the dog needs a new home - for all of your sanity. I wish you the best

Nothing to add (yes you need to rehome dog, yes you need to leave husband) except that if possible I would avoid generic rescues like Dogs Trust, and try a specialist breed rescue, or sport dog rescue. Dogs Trust is better than nothing, but there are a lot of huskies in rescue (I volunteer in rescue) and ones that specialise in dogs bred for sport/pulling breeds are slightly better placed to assess and rehome.

Wishing you the best.

@colditz thank you for all your advise I hope I can find the strength to sort it out, I already feel lots of years are wasted as I don't go out with friends or nothing much it's just way too much hassle, if I go out of course I will be accused of cheating If I don't answer my phone instantly etc so it's easier just stay at home. When I first met him I felt safe for first time, I lost my mum when I was 7 and lived with my gran and extended family. I was like a mini Cinderella there for many years, I felt meeting him set me free but I was terribly wrong and very much fouled. I wanted the perfect little family I never had when growing up it's just went all wrong. I can still be happy as long as I have my kids, they are my everything❤️

Thank you all for the caring supportive messages, I was tempted to close all this as I felt very silly after first few negative comments. Thank you to ones who do understand your advice has helped a great deal already. Mx

Some posters trip over themselves to ignore the human as soon as a dog is mentioned. Not terribly useful or compassionate.

Can you talk to someone in real life? About the domestic abuse I mean. I think you could do with some help to start building some self esteem and insight into the way you are living and how much abuse you’re having to suffer. It’s hard to see when you’re trapped inside it, and have been living there for a long time. The dog is just one more stick to beat you with, one more selfish desire that he has imposed on you and one more thing that makes your life a misery. Poor you, and poor dog.

He chose that dog to further torture your life. I bet he read up on that breed and knows very well they are high maintenance. I hope you do contact women's aid as pp's have suggested. & hopefully speak to your GP and access (solo) counselling.

You are going to drive yourself mad over a man who is an abusive utter pain in the arse.. & when you snap you will be no good to yourself or your children. Children that he is actively turning against you, at that.

Ive no doubt if you leave he will find a way to torment you from afar and continue to encourage your children to disrespect you. But better that, than living a nightmare life with him. He is a weak bully and yeah, he may crumble when you leave. But so what?

You must be a saint because I couldn't touch that with somebody else's bargepole. Notwithstanding that men aren't the be all and end all of life, he is not the only man in the world. Do yourself a favor and get rid.

I feel terribly sorry for the dog too. It's cruel to keep a Husky in a flat and your oafish man knows it. Sit down and explain to your children why dog needs to be rehomed, then sort it out asap. Men who are cruel to animals are no good. & he has previous form for this doesn't he? Repulsive doesn't cover it

Sweetheart, if you have been with this man since you were 16 you will need help to leave this relationship. Anyone would.

Please contact womens aid.

You are clearly trying so hard to make a great life for your kids. But you need to remember that kids don't know what is best for them. That's our job as adults. Your DD can still have a relationship with her dad even if you live apart.

I wish you all the best. Please make that call

OP, you're young and have your whole life ahead of you, make moves now to shed yourself of this man. Once you make a start you will need support, do you have anyone in RL you can talk to? Stay strong, we are always here for hand holding etc.

Re the dog, check to see if there is a Siberian Husky group in your area. If so they will be the best able to re-home her to an appropriate home.

A dog that snarls and snaps is not beingcheeky. This is an issuethatneeds sorting aside from the mouting

Thanks everyone. I have emailed dogstrust again also found a girl who trains huskies and malamutes so I've messaged her to see if she can advise too. I'm explained to my kids about how it's not good for dog be in a flat too, I think they'll be ok maybe not straight away.

For ones giving me horrible messages about my ridiculous decision to get such a dog, I have not once said it was a good idea, I protested as much as I could until I gave in. Weak maybe! Please try not be so acid tongued I do all I can for the dog and my kids. I just tried make everyone happy. I failed I get that. I came here hoping for advise from other ppl in similar situations where they feel overpowered all time. I got some amazing responses also so thanks for that

Strangely enough my partner is now starting to agree with me? Only from last night. Maybe it's because I said they both should leave?? I'm the main person who keeps us together, makes sure we have heating food bla bla I honestly feel so heavy with guilt at how he'll get on if I pap him out? Yeah I think a lot of you are spot on, I don't think it will ever change

@Rainbowqueeen thank you so much, I feel maybe as I'm in my thirties now I should just accept it, I'm not young anymore and I don't feel like the strong girl I once was

As said before, ring women’s aid. Your story is a sad one but not a new one and they can and will help you. Well done in realising that he is abusive. There’s the national number or alternatively google your local area and women’s aid and hopefully get the number of your local one and therefore get through to them easier. That’s what someone suggested I do and nearly 2 years later I’m so happy I did because I’m free.

As an aside, having completed the freedom programme (strongly recommend btw) the dog is another thing to beat you round the head with. The poor thing is wrecking the place through no fault of its own and in turn stressing you out so he can further upset you, tie himself to you “but the kids will be so upset if daddy AND their pet leave.... how could you do this to them? You’re the worst mother ever!”

Best wishes OP hope you can get some help.

@WellThisIsShit I noticed that as well, I understand it's not the best idea I admitted my fault for that right away. They are speaking to me like I'm heartless, if I didn't no care I would've sold her or throw her out! Things I wouldn't dream of. Yes my best friend, I told her few months ago some things and she was so shocked, she really liked my partner thought I was lucky for having such an amazing relationship. Now I've opened up a little she hates him, she wants him out my life asap. Behind her back he's hated her for many years and tried break our friendship up. I never told her and hide it for many years, pretending to be ill or emergencies to cancel nights out. I've been with him nearly half of my life I just don't know what do next. Sounds silly half stuff as well, hate saying it out loud. Xx