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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me deal with my dh

86 replies

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/03/2018 17:28

Hi all,

I’m lucky enough to be married ti my gorgeous husband. I adore him, I find him massively attractive and he proper gives me the fanny gallops Blush

He’s 5ft 11 and stocky. As in broad, well built etc. He also had a bit of a beer belly. I adore him, honestly I have never fancied a man so much. But recently he has been calling himself “fat” and wanting to lose weight. I’ve told him he isn’t (I don’t think he he is, he could maybe comfortably lose a stone but that’s all) but I also want to support him if he wants to lose weight. How do I do this? I want him to know I find him attractive just as he is but also want him to know I’m listening to him. Do I stop buying “treats” and make sure I serve up more vegetable based meals? Or does that look like I’m agreeing with him that he does need to lose weight?

I think I’m just asking what do I say when my dh says “I’m fat, I need to lose weight” when I know he is maybe a stone over weight but love him anyway? I just want to be supportive in all directions!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/03/2018 17:32

Perhaps he could do more of the food shopping and cooking ? Just a thought.

LineysOfArabia · 15/03/2018 17:37

Yeah, he could 'serve up' half of your meals and decide himself what to eat? My OH both have equal work hours and he shops and cooks equally for the meals we eat together. In fact more at the moment, as I'm a bit unwell.

And I'd ask him (your DP) what he envisages.

Original poster
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/03/2018 17:40

Hi AF,

We do the food shopping together and I work from home while he works shifts so I end up doing 95% of the cooking but I’m happy with that. I would like some advice on how to support my dh in a way that reassures him x

OP posts:
mumonashoestring · 15/03/2018 17:41

Ask him - he probably won't know to start with but if he's confident that you want to help then he'll come up with something given some time.

E.g. If he says 'I'm fat, I need to lose weight'
You would reply with
'I think you're gorgeous - if you think you'd be happier losing some weight then I'll be behind you all the way because I want you to be happy. Can I do anything to help?'

Once he's decided what he wants to do he'll be in a better position to tell you if he needs your support.

HyenaHappy · 15/03/2018 17:44

Do you know what’s so much fun? Tough Mudder type things.

DH and I do Tough Mudders together. It means that we have to get off our bums and actually exercise, sometimes run together, others alone but we have a shared goal.

The actual race is flipping hilarious and you rely on your partner to help each other over obstacles etc. Maybe suggest doing one together and then you’re both sharing a fitness goal?

Original poster
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/03/2018 17:44

Thing is whenever I ask him what he would like for dinner he says he doesn’t mind so I end up choosing what I cook. I don’t want to serve up a plate of salad and have him sat there feeling like I think he’s fat or feeling unsatisfied.

He pays 90% of the household bills and happily supports me in my very low earning career and I want to support him in lifestyle choices.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/03/2018 17:46

Thank you so much @mumonashoestring and @HyenaHappy those are both really helpful suggestions x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/03/2018 17:46

He's a grown up. I don't understand why you are giving this such headspace. His problem to solve. Let him write the shopping list and meal plans. If you work vaguely equal hours stop doing 95% of the shitwork

Is his "beer belly" a result of drinking too much beer ?

Drinaballerina · 15/03/2018 17:47

My Dh loved the food from the hairy dieters, didn't feel like he was on a diet at all.

trackrBird · 15/03/2018 17:47

“Well DH I think you’re great as you are. Still I guess we could both do something towards healthy eating (even if not true) . Do you want us to try and eat/not eat x and see where we get to? Exercise together or something? What do you think?”

AnyFucker · 15/03/2018 17:51

Trackr, those kind of tactics are what I would use with a 3yo

There are some smashing examples of how women infantilise men on this thread

Adora10 · 15/03/2018 17:54

Jesus, if he wants to lose weight, he has to want to and he has to actually do it, it does sound like you are discussing a child.

trackrBird · 15/03/2018 17:55

Each to his own AF, it depends who you’re dealing with and how they respond. It wouldn’t bother me.

Fairenuff · 15/03/2018 17:55

Ask him to come up with some meal plans that would suit him?

Really, it's not about you 'feeding' him. It's about him making his own choices.

NotTheFordType · 15/03/2018 17:56

Thing is whenever I ask him what he would like for dinner he says he doesn’t mind so I end up choosing what I cook. I don’t want to serve up a plate of salad and have him sat there feeling like I think he’s fat or feeling unsatisfied.

You're not his mum! Tell him "I am bored of choosing our meals. You do it."

Sure guide him to some healthy options (above suggestion about Hairy Bikers/Dieters was good) but he needs to adult up.

Original poster
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/03/2018 17:58

AF because he is my husband and my life partner, if I was in a similar position where I needed his emotional/physical support I would hope he would give it headspace. We are equals and I know that if I was in the same position he would be giving it just as much thought. Loving, caring and thinking about your partner does not make you weak. I read a lot of your posts and recently find I disagree with them more and more. We do not work equal hours, he works 12 hour shifts 5 days on 2 days off whilst I work in a creative area from home and I enjoy cooking and cleaning and looking after my family. It’s a career path I chose and my husband chose to support me in. He drinks 4 beers on a friday or Saturday night depending on which night he is off.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I’m short and curvy but mostly (ivf took its (unfruitful) toll) but I could definitely do with being fitter so suggesting activities is a brilliant idea and I love the notion of having fun together doing them!

OP posts:
Wherearemymarbles · 15/03/2018 17:59

Ditch carbs 3 evenings a week and no snacks. He probably caught himself in the mirror and thought where the fuck did that come from. I doubt he is worrying you don’t fancy him anymore

Original poster
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/03/2018 18:00

I’m not his mum no. I’m his wife, his stay at home wife who is (out of choice) responsible for the cooking.

OP posts:
Foxedme · 15/03/2018 18:01

You sound very sweet and very caring about your DH. How about some little changes like switching from oil to fry light, a bit less choccie and suggesting going for a walk/jog together? You can always say it’s because you want to tone up a bit, but in all honesty, you can agree with him in a nice way that he’s put on a bit of weight, it sounds like you have a great relationship and that he’ll be ok with your honesty.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 15/03/2018 18:03

In terms of being supportive, I would just say to him that you find him attractive however much he weighs and that you're happy to support whatever efforts he wants to make to get fit. When my ex complained that he was fat I just used to say "oi, that's my boyfriend you're talking about!" and wouldn't let him say nasty things about himself. I would try and get out for walks in the evenings and if he didn't fancy coming, fine, no pressure.

I would make meals that had plenty of components so eg if we had pasta & bolognese I would also make veg and he could max on the veg but also have a bit of pasta too if he chose to. I didn't want to be the one depriving him, it was on him to make the choices he wanted to. You're not his mum, you don't need to be put in charge of his food, it's up to him, but as long as you let him know you fancy him either way there's not much more you need to do.

Adora10 · 15/03/2018 18:03

Your post intimates that it's become your job to fix his weight problem, it makes it look quite motherly on your part.

I am sure you both adore each other but it's not your job to decide what he eats, he hasn't even made any effort himself to change his eating habits, he might say he's fat but it's up to HIM to do something about it, and of course, with your full support.

You sound like his mother, sorry, he's a grown man that can surely shop, even if he works full time.

minieggqueen · 15/03/2018 18:03

Oh dear this reminds me of my mother. If you have dc you are setting a very poor example of a relationship. The insecure need to ‘look after’ the dh...

An adult should either be able to choose their own food or not moan about the effects of having someone else wait on them.

My dh is only earner and is capable of cooking and choosing what he wants to eat. He also moans about being fat. I offer to eat healthy with him and say things like how about we cut down on sugar from next week. It’s not my choice what he eats though. From your posts it sounds like you’re not too keen to acknowledge it’s his fault if he’s overweight and no one else’s so if he wants to lose weight he has to make different choices.

Original poster
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/03/2018 18:06

Thank you @Foxedme and @MyRelationshipIsWeird that’s really helpful advice. I’m making pri pri chicken breast tonight which I was going to serve with chips and beans (going to yoga in half an hour!) but I’m going to serve it with boiled potatoes and peas and runner beans, switching chips etc with healthier alternatives is a good place to start.

We have a husky who needs a lot of walking but I’m going to encourage us to both run with him to help burn carbs etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/03/2018 18:09

I like being a housewife. I’m sick of having to justify that.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 15/03/2018 18:13

Being a housewife doesn't mean that you have to treat your husband as a child.

Surely he can make his own decisions about what he wants to eat?