Should dating a man much poorer than you be an issue?

[Neweternal]

I'm just curious if anyone has been in this situation before and if it should be a deal breaker.

It can be difficult to form an equitable partnership with someone who's situation financially is vastly different to your own

How would you feel if that question was the other way round?

It should make no difference. But it depends on whether the difference in jobs / ambitions / social circles could make them incompatible... Sad if it does

I have, a couple of times, and it was an issue: Man 1 was clearly uncomfortable/threatened/emasculated by the situation; Man 2 got it into his head after only two or three dates that he could suggest going out anywhere and I'd pick up the tab whilst he kept his wallet firmly closed; Man 3 seemed to treat it as some kind of fetish and kept on referring to enjoying being "treated" by an "alpha woman" and I was just like, dude - I'm only paying for the cocktails not trying to make it sexy.

I'm sure it can be done without issues though, just as the reverse is possible. I'd struggle I think though to date somebody who had a seriously low income (e.g. benefits) and it was going to be an ongoing situation, if only because I like to have the lifestyle I do and there's only so many cheap or free things dates you can go on, and ultimately I'm not sure how much I'd want to be picking up the bill for everything all the time.

My DH earns half my salary, it's not an issue we just split everything 2/3 to 1/3. When we were dating he bought our first date meal and then we split everything afterwards. As long as it's fair I've never really found it a difficult area, does depend on the mans outlook I suppose.

Not a deal breaker for me. He is working, has a work ethic, and doesn't expect me to mop up the excess. Now we are living together (married) the difference in disposable income is less. We don't live a particularly extravagant life, but I didn't before we got together either. So, I suppose I am saying, depends on who he is as a person, and whether you have a rough match of the lifestyle you can afford/aspire to, iuswim.

I was talking about this to a friend the other day. She has recently started dating someone who earns NMW, is in his late 30s and is in a house share.

She really likes him but is beginning to find both his lack of funds and living arrangements a struggle. She doesn’t have expensive taste but it’s even if she suggests going to the pub for a few pints he’s struggling to get the cash together. She says she doesn’t know whether to offer to pay for everything which might embarrass him and she might become resentful, or stop suggesting even cheap evenings out and just stay in, or finish things.

The money wouldn't be an issue for me, it would be the attitude.

If he was just plodding along in life with no drive, goals or ambitions and was happy being poor I would find that very unattractive.

If he was aiming to advance in some way, or was training, or trying to get a business off the ground in his spare time, then it wouldn't matter to me at all.

I think it depends.
I have dated guys who definitely had an issue with it and the earning gap was small 10-20k difference.

My DP earns around half my salary but his salary is still a good wage (>50k) so it’s not an issue as my tastes aren’t mega expensive and we enjoy things on par with his budget. As a result there’s no real shift in power dynamic, i.e. I’ll “treat us” on occasion rather than pay for everything

But if I earned £50k and he earned £20k it would definitely be more tricky (we’re in London, everything is expensive)

I think it's here the double standards come into place. I suppose it depends on expectations. If you expect to be bankrolled by a richer partner that's OK if the partner agrees. If not then there could be trouble.

It isn't an issue if you're both happy with it and there isn't a disparity in education or intelligence etc that might make it difficult to get along. In the long term one partner usually ends up having to quit or go part time for childcare, so you end up with a difference in earnings anyway.

Having said that, a lot of women won't date a man who earns less, one reason for which may be that they expect to end up as SAHM later on so want to be adequately supported. But if it doesn't bother you then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Whatever happened to falling in love with someone because of who they are as a person? A persons income in no way represents who they are as a person and how they treat others.

Whatever happened to falling in love with someone because of who they are as a person? A persons income in no way represents who they are as a person and how they treat others.

But a person's attitude to life does, hence for me it's about why they might earn less.

I think the trouble is when you are older and have your place . maybe afte a divorce so you own a lot of it or have small mortgage . And he lives in a share house and want to move in with you .

No. Shallow if you say yes!!! When we die, we all either get buried or cremated. Money is nothing.

Thank you for the replies. Here the situation guy no kids, recently divorced has a job but no money or assets whatsoever . I have one child, own house outright and net worth around £500k. He seems a nice guy but I know as things go on it will only be my house to move into and so on. Not a problem if you're thinking in love and romance and nothing else matters, but I have a son without a father as I was left in pregnancy and I am the only person he has in the world. I am careful to protect his assets in future and wonder if getting involved with someone so much poorer is a risk worth taking and yes I believe it is a consideration if you were a man or a woman, especially if they are the sole carer.

Notwhatthedogsaid Thank you. I needed reassurance that is ok to question this topic. I was scared to write anything at first in case of being attacked online for even thinking this way.

I agree that it really comes down to why his income is low. Is it because he is passionate about some niche thing that will never pay well but he loves it and has a strong work ethic, or is it because he never grew up and is just looking for a new Mummy to provide for him while he slobs on the sofa all day with a game controller (or whatever else) in hand?

Didn't see updates.

If it's a new relationship just see how it goes? If you end up falling for him and actively want to build a life together, you'll work it out. If you have other early concerns, it's probably not worth proceeding. Does he complain about money/his ex to you?

Might be worth seeing a solicitor to find out ways you can protect your childs' inheritance.

He has a masters degree and worked in a large bank for 15 years. I don't understand how he can have no money. He drives a very old banger and rents a flat. He doesn't even own a laptop. Never slags off his ex he is a lovely man although he ex didn't work and she got the profit from the house. He doesn't buy expensive clothes and have not been on a holiday in about ten years. He doesn't have a drink or drug problem either.

Well if the relationship does get serious then I think it’s perfectly acceptable to protect your sons assets.

So if he was to move in if I were you I would not get married, I would not put the house in his name and I would make it very clear to him that if you died first you would have a will which left the majority of your estate to your son, with maybe enough for him to buy a smaller house so he wasn’t thrown out on the street if you died first.

My dad remarried someone who didn’t have anywhere near as much money as he did. He died quite soon after remarrying and had written a will where he left a third of his estate to my step mum and then a third to me and a third to my sibling. I guess some people might have left everything to the new wife......I could have understood it if he had done. But I appreciated it that he didn’t. Obviously such thoughts aren’t an issue for you yet, but there’s ways to plan stuff if it does get serious.

OP, you are very wise.

I am in the same boat, single mum to one son who's dad left when he was a baby. I am all he's got basically. I've never had so much as a penny from his dad.

I've had relationships since of course but never wanted to enmesh myself financially or domestically - yea for independence! - because everything I have built up is for my son's future. And mine of course!

I always feel so sad when I hear or read about women who've been taken to the cleaners by a ruthless charmer or exchanged for a younger model after giving their everything.

It depends how strongly you feel about the person. Money wouldn't be an issue if you've fallen head over heels for someone. You love them for them. It may be a concern but I don't think it would stop what could be an amazing relationship from happening.

My dh was in a financial crisis when I met him. He was honest from the start. I didn't support him financially but I helped him through it. My feelings for him were too strong to just walk away.

I'd rather be with someone I trusted and loved with all my heart wether he was financially stable or not.

But that's just me, money has never been a big thing for me. I'd rather be happy. It's always a plus to meet someone who 'sorted' so to speak. But it's not everything.

On the practical side of things though, I can see where you are coming from. Especially as you have a son.

It would be an issue for me. I dated a guy who was always skint...he was unemployed. Asking me for petrol money which I wasn't impressed with ..I dumped him after a short time.