Should dating a man much poorer than you be an issue?

[Neweternal]

I'm just curious if anyone has been in this situation before and if it should be a deal breaker.

I understood the comment about the food he eats as meaning that he doesn't have expensive tastes that he lives simply.

Someone close to me was engaged to a very nice bloke with a good job who never had any money. Bit by bit she ended up paying for the rent, holidays, bills etc. All his money was going on gambling. He had a private bookmaker that came to him... they're not together any more and she's a lot poorer.

I'm dating someone who earns a lot less than me but when we go out it's always halves otherwise one of us cooks for the other at our respective homes. I really wouldn't date someone who didn't have any get up and go or live on their own as I find lack of oomph really unattractive. I'd be sounding like his Mum within six months.

Not a deal breaker to be on a lower wage at all.

But... as you say at nearly forty with an ok job and no savings does suggest at the very best a naive approach to money. Saving if you can is a responsible thing to do.

So it’s not the fact he’s poorer than you, it’s the fact you’re not sure if he’s really bad with money, has huge debts etc etc. If you’re going to share a life with someone then you go I think need to have similar attitudes to such things.

Dh and I got together when I was dirt poor and struggling in an entry level job. The income disparity was t an issue - we talked about money and it seemed we were on the same page (wanting to save, ge really being sensible.)
I now have a job paying what he earns and we both have similar, wary and sensible attitudes to money, savings and investments

The fact that he’s not as secure or wealthy as you isn’t really the issue. His attitude to financial matters may bev

It's not easy to cook for one. Half the time it's depressing as you have no one to share it with and you think what's the point? I totally get him for that. Shouldn't be judged for it

Many years ago I dated someone much poorer than me and this was an issue. Not right away, but as the relationship developed. It wasn't as much the money but 1) the level of education was different, also we had very different hobbies and passions2) different backgrounds and that mattered a lot 3) he resented the fact that I could afford more expensive things with my money (for example, I should have had a pint of beer instead of a cocktail because beer was cheaper... even though I didn't like beer). Well, we were young but I realized that if he gave me hassle for something like a stupid drink it wasn't going to work if we were to end up living together, sharing finances etc. So I ended it.

... however, DH still earns less than me (not by much now). BUT he is hard working, decent, a fantastic dad and (mostly) a fantastic husband, slowly moving up in his career and in a couple of years I will probably earn less than him. He did earn better money in the past, lost his job because of the recession, couldn't find anything similar, had to retrain and then start climbing up the ladder. And what is important is that we have a similar background and education (unlike the ex from years ago), we enjoy more or less the same things, share the same values and ambitions. So no, in our case it is not important that one of us earns less than the other one. Your situation is completely different, you have a child from a previous relationship and assets that you should indeed protect on his behalf.

Ah, another thing. The fact that he has a post grad degree and doesn't earn much money is not that unusual. I have a couple of post grads under my belt and, even though I earn a decent amount of money now, it's definitely not what anyone would call "really good salary". A few years ago I used to work in banking and my salary was a pittance, just a few k above minimum wage. Post grads degrees and all. And I knew a lot of people in a similar position.

I was in this situation with XP. It is difficult, especially when you're not earning a lot and also have a child to think about (not his child). For example I had to pay if we went on holiday together, otherwise we wouldn't go, and it feels like a crap choice never go away or pay for him, and I would sometimes feel awkward in doing things that excluded him because of money but I don't want to reduce mine and DD's standard of living. He was incredibly generous with what he did have though. It's hard because I want it not to matter, but actually it does.

DH was on his uppers when we met. Grotty flatshare, barely enough coming in to cover his costs. I had a three bed house and a v healthy salary. Same interests, morals, kindred spirits and it was love at first sight. He was decent, honest, humble and very clever. We had a pre nup.

He got an early big break in his career. Within 10 years he had put his first million in the bank. Now, if I had judged........

My goodness, what an depressing question. How shallow that it’s even a consideration for you. I never knew or cared what my boyfriends earned. Far more to life.

It depends on the kind of person he is and what you feel comfortable with. If he's basically a lazy git who wants you to subsidise his lifestyle without contributing then run like the wind!

For me it would depend on the situation.
I've been the breadwinner with DH for years. He's about to catch me up in the next year or so. But he is driven amd motivated and was doing lots with his life. Neither of us had messy divorces or children from prior relationships. It wasn't a big deal.

If someone was quite content just plodding through doing whatever NMW job they could get and was quite content just drifting job to job with no direction whilst I brought the main income then i'd have an issue.
It's not about money. It's about attitude. I would find it annoying that I'm working long hours, being ambitious etc to subsidise someone who can't really be arsed.

I also find it uncomfortable when I read threads on a different forum about stay at home WIVES (no kids). It all feels a bit like being a kept woman and that would personally make me feel very awkward and uncomfortable. It clearly works for some though
My goodness, what an depressing question. How shallow that it’s even a consideration for you. I never knew or cared what my boyfriends earned. Far more to life.
When financial issues are cited as a major reason for relationships ending it's a valid question to ask.

Personally I would find his life-style depressingly dull and suffocating.

Not been on holiday for 10 years, although working for 15 years at a bank - so had the money. Doesn't go out, has no life plan?

He could just be frugal (a real turn-off) but he has no money - so that cant be the case.

There is a story here somewhere - gambling, addiction (you think you know he hasn't a problem - you don't) - paid off ex with no kids - why? guilt? what did he do?

None of it adds up....you can hang around to try to find out, feel guilty about feeling uncomfortable about the disparity - or just leave because of the boredom.....

This one has puzzled me, you should have a good job with a masters degree?

Hmmmm. That doesn’t necessarily follow!!

Protect your assets at all costs

On one hand I think you'll find that a large portion of adults don't have much - isn't it something like 40% of adults have no savings? So the odds are that you're bound to meet someone that falls into that category.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-37504449

However it's as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man.... I personally feel once you hit over 40 lack of money IS a deal breaker because it's just a headache that puts a damper on lifestyle and relationship and a worry as you get older.

Thank you so all your comments. Sorry about saying cheapish food, but I am not used to pasta and freezer store foods all the time. I was also pointing out he wasn't wasting money on an organic diet. I'm not arrogant or a snob and he is a genuinely lovely guy.

I’m not rich, I’m a single mum working part time but have been out with guys who are not poor but tight and it is no fun when they don’t want to eat out or do fun stuff because it’s always cheaper to buy booze and sit indoors (unless I’m paying and then suddenly their tastes and expectations improve tenfold!)

It depends on the absolute salary. If I earned £30k and he earned £15k that would make things like getting a mortgage tricky, but if I earned £100k and he earned £50k I wouldn’t think twice about it. As it is, my partner earns more than twice what I earn, though he pays a lot of maintenance to his ex. We have enough to do nice things and don’t think too much about who pays for what. It certainly wouldn’t cross his mind that I was ‘unworthy’ because I earned less.

It's not shallow at all , OP - it's realistic .

My DS left university after his PhD. He had various options but fancies teaching long term. However for now he works for an investment bank and earns over £150k per year. Once he has his house fund, he will go into teaching, where I guess he will earn £30-£40k. He is the same guy despite his pay packet.

After only dating a few months I'd say his situation is none of your business in all honesty. Some of the stereotype examples given don't add up either. My x has 2 Masters and a great job...he's still renting a 2 bed flat, as he chooses to do so. I left school with 2 O levels, have an ok job and am currently mortgage free on 3 properties, again because I chose to be. Until you and he are at a point in the 'relationship ' where you agree it has a future, does it all really matter x

Mumtofergus. Actually it does matter! I'm quite sure this man would move in with me immediately. I can't be the only person that thinks during dating how is this going to work long term? Your insinuating that a person should only think in the moment, that to me is chaotic! Having foresight is important. Now say I was to say "ok move in with me, i have enough we will manage". What if something happens to me? That would then leave this chap homeless and my intention is to look after my son first, as I mentioned before my son has no one else, that is a duty of a Mother.

Which is why you would need something like a Cohabitation Agreement OP.

One thing that did strike me is that you have £500k in (presumably) net assets at age 40 or so.

That’s pretty unusual, at that age, for even two professional income couples who are reasonably good with money, IMO. You’ve either lucked out in the property market, inherited money or been way more successful in your career than most.

Just point that out because I hope you realise how unusual your situation is? Perhaps you’re judging his lack of assets on those terms?

Either way, I’d advise protecting yourself legally. It’s only sensible.

Well thank fuck that dh doesnt think like most of you lot, or id still be single! Dh earned considerably more than me when we first met but thankfully he never judged me for that and 15 years later we are as happy as ever. If a man came on here and queried about going out with a poor woman he would be ripped to shreds.