Should dating a man much poorer than you be an issue?

[Neweternal]

I'm just curious if anyone has been in this situation before and if it should be a deal breaker.

Of course it can be an issue! 'Money is nothing'. Bollocks! I'd wonder why he had no money in his case. Personally, in your situation, I'd be a bit wary. You sound very sensible.

Sounds like you would benefit from a Cohabitation Agreement, if you decide to live together, to protect your assets. Mine was quite happy to sign thiis. Had he not been, that would have been quite telling...

If he's constantly asking her for money, for handouts. If op pays for everything. Then that's a total seperate issue. Op would be being used in the relationship as well as him having no money. That's absolutely not on.

She doesn't mention that her in post though. She's just asking if it should be an issue that he's not as financially stable as she is. He could be the nicest guy in the world, just not in the best job financially. As long as he's not taking advantage of op, that's the main thing here. But there's no indication that he is.

I always earned more than my late husband. It was never an issue and we loved each other to bits right up to his death at the age of 36.
My DD1 now earns more than her partner, but they’ve been happily living together for 5 years and own a house together.
I think it depends a bit on circumstances. If they just have a less well paid job, it shouldn’t matter at all. If they’re broke for a bad reason, such as gambling, drug addiction, or inability to keep a job, then yes it’s a potential deal breaker.

If you looked at my DH’s car, clothes, holidays and visible personal possessions you’d conclude he was skint as well. Actually he has tons of cash, he just doesn’t care about any possession which isn’t an opera ticket or a first edition.

Has this guy actually told you he has no money? How recent was the divorce - might he have pared back his costs to the bone in order to build a decent deposit for a flat purchase?

Nope this guy has no savings either. He has volunteered the information, he is a genuinely nice person. Though we have only been dating months as opposed to years. He is not saving up for a deposit on a house as he doesn't feel he will get back on the property ladder. He is in his forties and no kids to pay for. He eats pasta and cheapish food most nights too. He does pay rent which I will be around £650pcm.

Maybe he doesn't have much money to save at the end of the month. After his rent and other bills to pay.

I would be concerned that he is newly divorced and in a new relationship fairly quickly. This might impact on the length of your relationship. Give it time and see if you are going to go the distance, before you worry.

I don't think I'd be interested, tbh. He's living like a student. I wonder what he spent his money on and why he left banking. Not even having a laptop means he doesn't have £300 or so. You wouldn't be able to do anything without paying for him, too. I'd feel like he was my teenage son.

I'd want to know where all his money was going, if he lives cheaply, drives a banger, lives on a flat share. Does he have debts?

You are wise to be careful. I wouldn't rush into anything and if it gets serious I would definitely take steps to protect my assets. Once you have dc, you have to do what is best for them, so you are being sensible.

How does this work on dates etc. Who is paying? I think it's weird that a man his age is doing nothing to gain any life security - does he plan on living in a flatshare when he is a pensioner?

Yes, it can do. I partly ended up leaving exh because he lacked ambition and drive and was happy working in a menial job for the rest of his life barely earning over minimum wage. He’s still in a job like that now. He had no ambition to better himself whatsoever and it drove me berserk. When we first met he was studying IT but he dropped it and never studied anything else so just ended up in management positions in fast food chains. Whereas I have a first and a career. It wasn’t necessarily money though, it was ambition and desire to be better. He was just too simple-minded for me.

Oh and when I was younger I was in an abusive relationship with a ketamine addict that lost his job so was perpetually broke and constantly asking for money. I did lend him a fair amount which I never got back. We never went anywhere together because I would’ve been expected to pick up the tab for us both and I refused. I always had to pay for take aways though. Eventually left him...

So yeah it does matter if one person is completely flat broke.

I’ve mostly dated guys that earned far less than me. Mostly it hasn’t been a problem: I like pubs and concerts, fancy bars not so much - as long as they can pay their way to some extent, I can pick up some treats. But in one case, the guy was unemployed and a total layabout, and I told him if he was going to eat at my house every night, I expected a contribution. He didn’t last long after that.

Maybe he just doesn't earn much? I don't think bank jobs are very well paid unless your management?
It really depends on attitude towards lifestyle and money as well.
My ex earns 4x what I do and he is always skint whereas I save a bit and always 'have enough'. He fritters money on crap then whinges he's hardly any money for petrol to put in his fancy car !
I am far better off, all he did was leech off me and the kids.

Dates more or less go Dutch, but we don't go out anywhere expensive. He doesn't do anything much and doesn't go out. He isn't even a member of a gym. Although I don't have a degree and left school at 16, I have been self employed and quite successful and never worried about money. I usually go out with less wealthy men but they own their own house and have good jobs. This one has puzzled me, you should have a good job with a masters degree?, you should have assets at age 40 or at least a good time to show for it. This guy is steady and it's not wild spending or addiction causing the issue. I'm starting to think this is a deal breaker, not due to the money so much as he doesn't have a plan for himself.

I'd end it, you've had nothing good to say about him. To a lot of women he's probably a decent guy. Maybe he's just had a shit few years and he's getting himself back on his feet. Life doesn't always just fall into place for all of us. You've done great for yourself op and that's brilliant but it doesn't go that way for all of us.

You are clearly looking for something more than he can give you. I'd end it for yourself and for his sake also.

I think I'd walk away now. You don't sound compatible.

My bf is part time on a low wage. We've no plans to live together and enjoy each other's company. It's not an issue.

It depends on the people , i had an ex who earned a lot more than me , it used to annoy me that he would spend the equivalent of a months salary for me on a night out and not see the value in it , it horrified me because i had to work over 160 hours for that amount of money we never lived together he liked luxury , i liked what i could afford

It was a deal breaker for me, several times! First time, man an artist, met him on an ECDL course though and he was very musical and funny but seemed to live on fresh air. He'd no kids mind you. So we NEVER ate out. We went for a lot of walks which was ok in the summer but as winter rolled in I thought what now. I suppose if he'd been worth it he would have been............ well worth it. At least that guy was ''in the system'' though, on JSA and doing govt funded courses and prsi stamps made towards his pension etc! I thought he was broke until I met ........... a wonderfully eccentric, authentic individual who followed his passions and his heart. He restored furniture and old vintage cars, if he had food for his dog he was not only happy but funny too. We hung about a bit but then I realised that not only did he have no job, but he wasn't even claiming any benefit of any description. He just lived in a out house that he'd done up a bit (not that much though, it was basic but full of interesting antiques). He was literally eking out a living. He was happy though. But I have not spent 15 years saving for the future to subsidise him (nice man though he was) at the expense of my children ykwim?

I am not shallow or materialistic. I really liked both of those men. In different ways. I suppose the idea is somebody who has the same as you have so you don't feel pressure to subsidise them but they don't feel that money is giving them power.

There are a lot of very educated people who do not have a lot of money, there are also a lot of people who do not have having money as a priority.

But if you treasure your financial independence I think that you are going to struggle to make this work. Simply put, he doesn’t seem to have the same drive you have for financial security. He will drive you bonkers aftervthe honey moon period and you will start wondering when he is going to start pulling his weight.

But there is no weight to pull, he is living within his means and being true to himself. He simply doesn’t seem to put the same value on accumulating or maintaining wealth.

It is not the difference of assets that makes you incompatible, but the difference in priorities.

You actually come across very judgemental and arrogant I'd say leave him to it , I dont think he'd have anything to gain by having you in his life!

P.s I'm a high femal earner and at the end of the day all the houses, cars and material crap you can't take it with you . If a guy is loyal , caring and loving is what should matter in a relationship.

My husband was much poorer than me when we met, but we were 18 when we met...6 years on and throughout most of that time I've still been the wealthier party in our relationship but then a lot of that probably comes from my family background which is a lot wealthier than his background. It has never been an issue for us. I used to pay for absolutely everything when we first got together. But then I probably wouldn't do that now if I was single now and looking for a partner, it was different as we were both in full-time education and relied heavily on our family.

Agree with @FuckItPassMeTheWine. I was all on your side until the comments about the cheap food he eats. That's when you've come across as arrogant. You've literally said nothing nice about him. You just look down at him. This clearly has a lot more to do with how much he earns. It's he's not good enough for you and your 500k house. I feel abit sorry for the guy now. I bet he's lovely aswell. Probably a good catch to a lot of women.

When I first started dating my DH he literally had nothing, his wife had taken him to the cleaners & had destroyed everything he had. His entire belongings fitted into half a black bin bag. He had a work van (work owned) that he used & shared a small rental flat with a work colleague & was on minimum wage.
I on the other hand owned my own house & car & had a good job.
I had been treated so horrifically by my ex husband, that I seriously didn't care how much money he had in the bank. He treated me like a princess (& still does) is phenomenal with my children & around the house.
He is the most incredible person that I have ever met & I am thankful every day that he is in my life. We married & had a child of our own & run our own enormously successful business together.
We have been together for 17 years now & to think that I wouldn't have experienced any of the magic that I have in my life if I had been bothered by how much money he did or didn't have!
The fact that he is drop dead gorgeous, a passionate lover & does all of the ironing is just a wonderful amazing bonus.