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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner doesn't find me attractive. Need advice.

92 replies

Needadvice77 · 15/03/2018 10:23

Hello,
I am facing a huge decision and I feel weak as water, I have a partner and 2 girls aged 6 & 4. He was married before and we were seeing each other 7 years ago as "friends with benefits" as he didn't want a commitment. But I got pregnant and in fairness he stood by me. He was married before and separated, so I helped him get a divorce to finalize it and he his ex lives abroad so she's not around. They couldn't have children even after several failed attempts at IVF with his wife so I knew he was excited to become a father to our children.
Over the last few years since our second child was born our relationship has really deteriorated. I had post natal depression, and depression throughout my 2nd pregnancy. I'm sure the huge life changes, moving from the city home to the country to rent somewhere he wanted to, my brother committed suicide and I was made redundant from a job I loved. My partner doesn't like to talk about things, he just wants us to "get on" with everything and bury it deep. He reminds me every time we have a few drinks together that he never wants to get married again and he doesn't find me attractive anymore. We got engaged in 2015 so I'm not sure why we bothered as I'm embarrassed about it now. I don't find myself attractive either, I've gained 4 stone in the last few years so I don't expect he will want to sleep with me. He has said he needs sex and if I don't show him affection then he will find it elsewhere - but how can I have sex with someone that I disgust?
We sleep in separate rooms and are living at my mother's house while we build our own house, so now I have a mortgage and I work fulltime while he builds the house. I have said to him that we need to split up and he said NO WAY is he building a house and then moving out. He mortified me at my company Christmas party by flirting with my colleagues and getting really drunk in an up market venue. I'm quite senior in my company and I was mortified by his lack of respect for me. I feel like the writing is on the wall, but I also think my personal unhappiness in the situation is making things a lot worse.
He looks at me with disgust but I'm terrified of going it alone with the kids and work etc etc. I don't know what to do, I am afraid to tell anyone as I know they'll just think I should lose weight and everything will be OK. He is a nice guy - and he is seen as a really nice guy around here so I just don't know what to do, I don't want to split our family up but I feel trapped:(

OP posts:
lizzie1970a · 15/03/2018 10:29

I think best to split up. You sound like you earn reasonably well so get a builder in to finish the work - either a loan or something if you can - or sell it as it is. You can't live together. What have you got a mortgage on? Are you building a house from scratch so bought the land? He's doing all the work? There's no coming back from the things he's said. Don't waste any more time on him.

QuietWalking · 15/03/2018 10:32

I think you should leave. You sound like an intelligent woman, he doesn't come across as someone with more than 1/8 of a brain cell.

Original poster
Needadvice77 · 15/03/2018 10:36

Thanks @lizzie1970a that's the advice I was afraid to get.
We're building on my family land. I just feel so sad about the whole thing, I feel like I should never of expected anything else out of him. He loves the kids so much I think he is not going to leave easily. He has to finish the house now, we are 2 months away from moving in so I'm not stopping him as I need that house, but I'm not sure how I can make him leave when it's done.. I can't put my mother/the kids through rows in her house or legal fights after.. Sorry I'm just so torn!

OP posts:
OutyMcOutface · 15/03/2018 10:37

Well I would normally say run but you’ve already had kids so you’ll never be truly rid of him. I would think that it would be worth trying some counselling first. The problem seems to be that he has issues that he hasn’t worked through more than anything else and it’s causing him to be an arsehead.

Original poster
Needadvice77 · 15/03/2018 10:42

Thanks @quietwalking :) that made me smile. He's smarter than me by far and he knows it. He would have stayed with his ex wife forever only that she split up with him. He wanted children, she couldn't have them and she wanted to adopt - but he told her that he would happily adopt but he wanted his own children too - what was she supposed to do? I think he is doing the same shit with me now, staying with me but threatening to go elsewhere for sex unless I lose all the weight. Writing my thoughts on here is actually helping to give me some clarity!!

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 15/03/2018 10:42

He doesn't sound like a nice guy, certainly isn't very kind to you, is he?
I'm not surprised you blame yourself, he's done a sterling job of convincing you it's all down to you. It really isn't, btw. Sounds as though it's over, in all but the finer details.

Original poster
Needadvice77 · 15/03/2018 10:45

@OutyMcOutface - he tried counselling with his ex wife before so he says it's the biggest load of crap ever. I have suggested it but I don't know if a counselling can take away my insecurities now. Sorry I'm boring myself at this stage. Sick of it :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Needadvice77 · 15/03/2018 10:47

@CryptoFascist yes he is very convincing. I feel like I have a huge battle ahead trying to get rid of him.

OP posts:
lizzie1970a · 15/03/2018 10:48

Is he working? What's the mortgage on?

catlady45 · 15/03/2018 11:01

I take it its your mum and dad that own the land ? Who is the mortgage under joint names ? Did youbpart fund the build at all? Coyldbtou afford mortgage on your own ?

catlady45 · 15/03/2018 11:02

Sorry for 20 questions x

Original poster
Needadvice77 · 15/03/2018 11:02

@Lizzie1970a - he is working full time building our house so he is not earning, the mortgage is on the new build but in my name so that's all going to be fairly straight forward I'd say. He'll have to get a job after the house is finished.

OP posts:
ChickenMom · 15/03/2018 11:04

You sound like a lovely, kind, intelligent lady who works hard and loves her family. You deserve better than somebody who looks at you with disgust. You asked “how can I sleep with somebody who I disgust” the answer is that you can’t. He flirted with your colleague, he puts you down, he treats you appallingly...he obviously isn’t happy and you can definitely do it alone. You do anyway and you will be so much better off in a calm, peaceful environment. You also deserve to show your girls what real love looks like. If it was as simple as losing 4 stone and then he’d love you..well...what does that say about him. Shallow if that’s all it takes. Please consider a therapist just for you. Somebody you can talk to in private about this. Also look at the freedom programme in your area. He is emotionally abusing you. It’s not fair as you deserve to have a happy life and be loved. You can do this and you should. Keep posting here for support

Cricrichan · 15/03/2018 11:07

You're in a strong position. I would finish with him and hire someone to finish the house.

It sounds like he only married you because you got pregnant so never really loved you. You sound like a lovely person and you'll be a lot happier on your own and with the freedom to find someone who loves and cares about you.

Tatiannatomasina · 15/03/2018 11:10

Get your house valued when its finished, pay him for his work by remortgaging and wave him goodbye.

Lizzie48 · 15/03/2018 11:11

If you're going to lose weight, you need to do it for yourself not for this man, who is certainly emotionally abusing you. He is not a nice man, has not been nice to you or to his ex wife (speaking as someone who couldn't get pregnant, I'm grateful my DH accepted that we could only adopt, the best decision we ever made).

You can definitely go it alone. If he won't go to couples counselling, you should go to therapy for yourself, that will help you to find the strength to kick him into touch. Your DCs deserve better as well, as it does them no good to witness how badly he's treating you.

Thanks
catlady45 · 15/03/2018 11:12

I agree with pp. The longer you stay with him the more he will wear you down. Counselling could be an option but i dont think i could be with someone who.said those thjngs about me tbh.

I wonder if the reason he's saying no to splitting up and wanting to move in, is because he thinks he will have a claim over the house ?

Are you able to get someone else to finish the work? Possibly speak to a lawyer just to see where things lie legally, though i would say you hold all the cards.

Original poster
Needadvice77 · 15/03/2018 11:13

@catlady45 My dad passed away 19 years ago, my mum put the land in my name so it's my land and my mortgage. His name is not on anything.

@chickenmom Thank you for the kind words, the tears are flowing here. I speak to my sister about these issues sometimes and she is supportive. I went to a therapist once last year but managed not to talk about him at all! I spent the hour talking about my brother/mother - anything else. I even told the therapist that my partner was very supportive so I think I had myself convinced. I will look in to it locally as I think you're right, it would be good to speak to someone that's impartial.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needadvice77 · 15/03/2018 11:18

@catlady45 - He just doesn't want to leave the girls so he'll be a nightmare to move out. That's it really. He loves them - after the Christmas party when he treated me like shit we were staying at his mother's place and she said "please talk to him, he loves those girls so much" so I think everyone knows that he has no love for me, it's just his daughters. I feel like such an idiot for thinking that having children would make us a family and we'd live happily ever after.

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 15/03/2018 11:20

As hard as this is, you will never be lived as you should be by this man. You will get through this and you will thrive. I wouldn't bother doing counselling with him (it's crap because he isn't still with his ex) but it will really help you get some clarity around your future. Is the house on your family's land? I doubt he will want to stick around once he knows you want him gone. He may even feel relief. Stay strong and focus less on him and more on you x

trojanpony · 15/03/2018 11:20

Thank your lucky stars you didn’t marry him. It will make leaving him and division of assets much easier. You are in a great position he is on shaking ground at best.

I know you don’t want a fuss/fight but this guy sounds like a prize arsehole so won’t go quietly (he has already told you this)
You will need to put on your big girl pants and look after your and your children’s best interests.

You have two girls I’d they were in your situation would you be encouraging them to be compliant and “not kick up a fuss”?

He has behaved appallingly the work thing in particular made me feel Sad for you. I can imagine how dreadful it would have been. For me there is no coming back from what has been said and done.

Original poster
Needadvice77 · 15/03/2018 11:20

Thanks for all the support and advice, I really appreciate it. I am actually feeling a bit stronger now :)

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 15/03/2018 11:20

Loved*

Original poster
Needadvice77 · 15/03/2018 11:22

@trojanpony
You have two girls I’d they were in your situation would you be encouraging them to be compliant and “not kick up a fuss”?

Very good point.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 15/03/2018 11:24

He sounds like a horrendous, selfish, thick-headed, arrogant prick.

So sorry about your brother Flowers I lost a friend to suicide which was devastating so I can’t imagine how you just feel about your DB Sad

You are worth so much more. You can have a happy life. Please don’t waste any more time on him.

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