Partner doesn't find me attractive. Need advice.

[Needadvice77]

Hello,
I am facing a huge decision and I feel weak as water, I have a partner and 2 girls aged 6 & 4. He was married before and we were seeing each other 7 years ago as "friends with benefits" as he didn't want a commitment. But I got pregnant and in fairness he stood by me. He was married before and separated, so I helped him get a divorce to finalize it and he his ex lives abroad so she's not around. They couldn't have children even after several failed attempts at IVF with his wife so I knew he was excited to become a father to our children.
Over the last few years since our second child was born our relationship has really deteriorated. I had post natal depression, and depression throughout my 2nd pregnancy. I'm sure the huge life changes, moving from the city home to the country to rent somewhere he wanted to, my brother committed suicide and I was made redundant from a job I loved. My partner doesn't like to talk about things, he just wants us to "get on" with everything and bury it deep. He reminds me every time we have a few drinks together that he never wants to get married again and he doesn't find me attractive anymore. We got engaged in 2015 so I'm not sure why we bothered as I'm embarrassed about it now. I don't find myself attractive either, I've gained 4 stone in the last few years so I don't expect he will want to sleep with me. He has said he needs sex and if I don't show him affection then he will find it elsewhere - but how can I have sex with someone that I disgust?
We sleep in separate rooms and are living at my mother's house while we build our own house, so now I have a mortgage and I work fulltime while he builds the house. I have said to him that we need to split up and he said NO WAY is he building a house and then moving out. He mortified me at my company Christmas party by flirting with my colleagues and getting really drunk in an up market venue. I'm quite senior in my company and I was mortified by his lack of respect for me. I feel like the writing is on the wall, but I also think my personal unhappiness in the situation is making things a lot worse.
He looks at me with disgust but I'm terrified of going it alone with the kids and work etc etc. I don't know what to do, I am afraid to tell anyone as I know they'll just think I should lose weight and everything will be OK. He is a nice guy - and he is seen as a really nice guy around here so I just don't know what to do, I don't want to split our family up but I feel trapped:(

OP I'm huge and my H and I still have brilliant sex.

I'm not saying you or I shouldn't lose the weight but it has nothing to do with how sexy or loveable you are. I think it actually works the other way.

You are clearly a successful and intelligent woman. Acting in your own best interests -i.e. leaving and becoming your own woman again - would only work in the kids' favour in the end, in terms of their own self esteem. I'm sure you wouldn't stop them seeing their dad.

Imagine the freedom of not having to worry about whether or not he finds you attractive, or being judged on that the whole time.

Sorry for all the questions. I didn't think you could get a mortgage on a house you hadn't built, thinking it a loan, so wasn't sure if there was another house you had a mortgage on (that perhaps you could sell and pay him off with).

As someone else said you're in a strong position. I'd give him £50k for building the house (or whatever is fair) and say goodbye. You can't come back from this. He can't legally stay there if in your name even if it gets ugly and the police are involved. He's a bully so get rid as you'll never be happy.

You didn’t speak to your therapist about him because you have what’s called an avoidant personality. Lots of us do. It’s what stops you confronting him even though you know what he’s doing/done isn’t right. Try a different therapist. You sometimes have to see a few before you find one you click with. I definitely recommend the freedom programme too. Also find yourself a strong solicitor who can fight your corner. He has a dominant personality and thinks he holds all the cards. He won’t marry you? Well that’s going to kick him in the face now. You hold the cards and you can do this and you deserve so much better. You deserve somebody who treats you like a Queen. Your girls deserve to see somebody looking at their mummy with love

Good luck. My DH and I are also not in a great place so can't pretend I have all the answers, but do have a lot of sympathy! There was a study I saw that looked at couples over a number of years and said that the biggest predictor of divorce was showing disrespect. And your partner clearly has no respect for your hard work or you personally. A 4 stone weight gain is certainly a lot - but is this perhaps related to how you've been feeling and the support you get? And the way he behaved at your work function suggests that as you suspect, he is deliberately putting you down to try to put himself up.

Yes you have kids, and it's great he loves them. He can continue to love them on his custody days, while you can get on with your life, your career, and show your DDs that they deserve better than to be treated the way he treats you, and perhaps in time be able to role model a healthier and happier relationship with someone new, who fancies you the way you are and supports you in your personal and professional life.

Go to a solicitor and get rid of him. Pay him for his work, wave him good bye and reclaim your life.

He is using you.

I believe he does love your DDs, but he is damaging them by treating their mother so disrespectfully.

Don't whatever you do let him get his name on that house as it's on your mother's land and you don't want him having any legal right to live so close to you or her. It won't be easy as he sounds a nasty piece of work but you can't go on like that and it'll be harder now with you moving in to the house.

I'd tell him now. Get someone else in to finish the work. Pay him off for his work and he can go move someone else. You might have to get the police on him a few times if he doesn't go quietly but you'll have to go through it. The alternative is stay and have a horrible life as he won't change. This is not an argument. His nastiness is a fundamental aspect of him that will always be there. Forget your weight. If it wasn't that it would be something else about you.

It will be so much better for you to separate, he can have shared access of girls, so he won't miss out on them growing up, you will then get some time to yourself without this horrible bully in your life. You will never look back!

OP, I am going to be a bit blunt, but you went through with an unplanned pregnancy with a partner who had already said that you were "friends with benefits" only for him and that he did not want to get married. Where were you in this? Did you love him and did you want to marry him?

It sounds to me like you have been getting deeper and deeper into this unrequited relationship, ie. you had a second child and you are building a house together. But you sleep in separate rooms and your partner is nasty to you. I wonder of your PND was rooted in your relationship?

Of course losing weight is not going to solve anything, your weight has nothing to do with the problems you have. But it's a very "visible" thing, easier to use as a scapegoat than look at the complicated problems in your relationship.

Of course you have every right to split with your partner, and your reasons are sound. But do keep in mind that you went along with this. It's great that you have woken up, but you did allow this to happen. You knowingly went into a relationship with a partner who didn't want commitment and it only got worse along the way. You write that you feel trapped - I imagine your partner feels the same.

As to your fears of splitting up the family - well, you will both still be parents. I am separated but I still have a family, I am just not with my DCs father. You will feel relief when you go through the separation, and you will find that it's not as bad as you think.

Need advice this man sounds as though he is not a nice guy at all.
If he loved your girls so much how can he treat you so disrespectfully?
It sounds as though he was quite callous with his example wife aswell. Insisting he wanted his own biological children is not how you would treat a spouse that you loved.

Reading between the lines were you two together before he split with his ex wife? Is there a possibility he is seeing someone else now?

You deserve so much better than this and your girls deserve better than to see their mother treat in this way this man will chip away at your self esteem if you stay.
I agree with others who have said you need to make plans to leave him. Could he finish the house and you sell to a third party and divide the assets?
Good luck whatever you decide
You sound like a strong lady

I would get legal advice. You don't know how he'll react and what support he'll give to you and your girls when you break up. If he's contributed materials etc he may have some rights to the property or proceeds from it but you need legal advice to know where you stand and it may be best to get Jim out before he finishes and getting someone to finish it so you're in a stronger position) . I don't know though which is why it's best to speak to people who do.

@Holycrapwhatnow Yes, he never apologized for his behavior at the party. He said he didn't remember it as he was so drunk. The bouncers asked me to leave and take him away because he was annoying women on the dancefloor. I can still see my boss's reaction - and she's the MD of the company. shudder
I think you are right, but it's hard to face it.

@misscph1973 - Very intuitive of you, yes I went along with the pregnancy, we were on/off at the time, we were not careful and I took the morning after pill but had backpain and was taking a lot of painkillers.. a few glasses of red wine and the next morning I puked it up (I am guessing that was what happened as I ended up with a beautiful baby!!) Anyway you're right - I naively thought that as I was 33 at the time that we could be a happy family together. When he caved and said he would marry me I knew I would be pushing him up the aisle so I kind of hoped things would change.. all the time comforting myself with food. But everything seems to be on his terms, so I can imagine the PND has a lot to do with the pressure he has put me under at times, especially when our second DD was a baby.
There is no possibility he is seeing someone now. But I'm sure he has thought about it. His ex wife left him about a year before I met him as he moved to this area and she moved abroad. I was smitten with him and we had a really fun time.
I can't sell the house, it's next to my mother's and it's all family land plus it was a stipulation on my planning permission that I can't see it for 7 years or something, it's my children's forever home so I won't be selling it. I just want it finished and for him to go before I'm completely down trodden.

He sounds awful to me.
If you speak to a solicitor you will know the facts of the situation so be in a better place to plan your and your DCs (and I spose his) futures. He will still be DCs Dad if you separate and can devote as much effort as he wants into being a good DF. He sounds like a drain on your happiness right now.

Needadvice77, I think there is a good chance that your partner will agree it's time to split. I sounds to me like you have both tried your best in a bad set of circumstances and that it's time to call it a day. It must have been hard for both of you. The behaviour you describe is not that of a happy man.

I personally fooled myself into thinking that staying in a unhappy relationship is better for the DC. I expect you also have an ideal of the nuclear family of mum, dad and DC1 and DC2 as a tried and tested formula? Well, it's certainly tried and tested, but it's not the only way to have happy family life.

You would do very well to do everything you can to keep it amicable, of course within reason and respecting your own boundaries, so that you both get to parent happily after the split. I'm sure your DDs will be much happier if the two of you are happier.

How invested is your partner in the house you are building? I expect he's not likely to just walk away from it? Having said that, you say he's a nice guy, so you should be able to work out a fair division of assets for both of you.

You will find a strength in yourself, I'm sure of it. Keep thinking "What's the best that can happen?" And if you can afford it, get some counselling! I did, and it has really helped me clear my head, make decisions that I am happy with and generally navigate separation much better than I thought was possible.

I suggest you seek legal advice about the house and him leaving once it's finished.

He has no respect for you and I bet he wouldn't want anyone treating his precious DDs the way he's treating you. You're somebody's daughter too.

God sake OP, sounds like he actually hates you, he's full of disrespect and contempt, he finds you unattractive, well see ya!

Get away from him, he sounds bloody horrible, nice guy, you must be joking!

He's using you, for whatever reason, I don't know, this is not love, it's constant put down and humiliation, if he does that in front of your boss just imagine what's going on behind your back.

Go it alone, being alone is a zillion times better than putting up with this crap; if you want to lose weight then fine, do it for you, not for this nasty prick, his attitude towards you has fuck all to do with your weight, that's just another excuse to beat you with his dirty little stick; vile, vile man.

It didn’t really get off to a dream start this relationship did it? It sounds like he was never really that into you and stayed out of duty more than anything else. Always doomed to failure unfortunately

If you think this is a nice guy, I'd hate to meet someone you thought was not nice!

Go and speak to a solicitor and find out where you stand with regards to stopping the build and fucking him off. I'm assuming you've paid for all the materials involved (from the mortgage, which is in your sole name?) I'd be looking to pay him off purely for his labour - you don't say how long this has taken but I'm assuming around 2 years, so I'd say £50k would be more than fair. (And 50k more than he'd be legally entitled to on the face of it.

Tell him you're splitting. He doesn't get a vote. Tell him he's got a grace period of 1 week to leave your mum's house. (Actually this should come from your mum, possibly in the form of a letter.)

Thank FUCK you're not married.

You deserve so much more than this, and your DDs deserve to see a model of a loving relationship, not one where their mother is treated with such contempt.

Oh wow what an abusive twat. You had two DC, suffered PND and gained weight as a result. How many other women do? I’ve gained nearly two stone just through depression after miscarriages.. my DP hasn’t even noticed. Your P is an absolute Prick.

I would let him finish the house then dump him . Sounds like you own it all so there’s no legalities involved... just use him as a slave for a while. Also I bet when you dump him the weight will come off naturally because you’ll feel happier!

But there might be legalities involved if he's invested or done stuff on the house. We don't know that'd why it's vital that you get professional advice and then you can decide what you want to do. Be prepared for this man not playing fair and being entitled as his track record doesn't show him to be a nice man.

Thank you all so much for your advice. it has really hit a nerve, I think you are all right. I will need to be prepared for him to get nasty (nastier) Yesterday he said he wanted to apologise for the night before. I told him not to bother that it's emotional abuse now and I want us to end. He said he wants us to "try" so I just walked away. We've had this conversation too many times now, by him saying he wants us to "try" he means for me to lose weight. I'm almost a size 20 and I want to drop 5 stone but I am not going to do it for him. And he will still be the same asshole if I'm size 20 or size 10.
I will get legal advice and a lot of people have mentioned that I will need to pay him off, I hadn't thought about that before but it's something I'm thinking a lot about now. We started the house last June and will be moving in around June I'd say.. I'm thinking about 20k - he has had a free ride staying here with my mother.

Well done you. Yes, work it out perhaps with some advice. I suggested £50k as I've had two neighbours over the years have their houses gutted and remodelled a bit and the cost has been that. I think he deserves something but work out what is far. If he's lived rent free with you and your mother for years then perhaps a lower figure. Get legal advice as someone else said.

Then again, perhaps suggest he gets nothing if you both agree he pays no child maintenance. Have a good think about that - I know it can be difficult getting money out of men such as he, perhaps he'll go self-employed and will hide his earnings, or won't work, in which case it'll be like getting blood out of a stone. On the other hand he might end up with a decent job. Equally it might be better not to give him a lump sum just so you're not having to deal with him financially through the CMS to get maintenance. Get it tied up tightly so there's no come back.

Could he go for being the resident parent? He might say he's been the primary carer if you've always worked. Try to think of what he might come out with so you're prepared. If he causes trouble that involves the police being called he's effectively hanging himself as you'll look the better parent.

To be honest the way he treated his wife I’m not surprised he’s disinterested, must have been difficult to go through ivf and her ex husband gets fwb pregnant. Where you the Ow? It just read that way to me in your op. I apologise if that’s not the case.

He has a pattern here his behaviour won’t improve if anything it sounds like he is looking for a replacement if he’s flirting with other women.

Who has been caring for your children while you've been at work? Is he the primary care giver?