Partner doesn't find me attractive. Need advice.

[Needadvice77]

Hello,
I am facing a huge decision and I feel weak as water, I have a partner and 2 girls aged 6 & 4. He was married before and we were seeing each other 7 years ago as "friends with benefits" as he didn't want a commitment. But I got pregnant and in fairness he stood by me. He was married before and separated, so I helped him get a divorce to finalize it and he his ex lives abroad so she's not around. They couldn't have children even after several failed attempts at IVF with his wife so I knew he was excited to become a father to our children.
Over the last few years since our second child was born our relationship has really deteriorated. I had post natal depression, and depression throughout my 2nd pregnancy. I'm sure the huge life changes, moving from the city home to the country to rent somewhere he wanted to, my brother committed suicide and I was made redundant from a job I loved. My partner doesn't like to talk about things, he just wants us to "get on" with everything and bury it deep. He reminds me every time we have a few drinks together that he never wants to get married again and he doesn't find me attractive anymore. We got engaged in 2015 so I'm not sure why we bothered as I'm embarrassed about it now. I don't find myself attractive either, I've gained 4 stone in the last few years so I don't expect he will want to sleep with me. He has said he needs sex and if I don't show him affection then he will find it elsewhere - but how can I have sex with someone that I disgust?
We sleep in separate rooms and are living at my mother's house while we build our own house, so now I have a mortgage and I work fulltime while he builds the house. I have said to him that we need to split up and he said NO WAY is he building a house and then moving out. He mortified me at my company Christmas party by flirting with my colleagues and getting really drunk in an up market venue. I'm quite senior in my company and I was mortified by his lack of respect for me. I feel like the writing is on the wall, but I also think my personal unhappiness in the situation is making things a lot worse.
He looks at me with disgust but I'm terrified of going it alone with the kids and work etc etc. I don't know what to do, I am afraid to tell anyone as I know they'll just think I should lose weight and everything will be OK. He is a nice guy - and he is seen as a really nice guy around here so I just don't know what to do, I don't want to split our family up but I feel trapped:(

Dancingmonkey87 - No I wasn't the OW, I met him after they split for about a year. I doubt she even knows he has 2 children now as she lives abroad and I've never met her/seen her. Yes I'd say he'd love a replacement

@SusanDelfino - He looked after our eldest for approx. 8 months when she was a baby while I worked, he would make that sound much longer if you asked him. We have a childminder now when they are not in school, so I would be the primary care giver if they are not with her.

I was meaning it harshly op that he was looking for a replacement but his behaviour to other woman seems inappropriate, plus the details you describe from his marriage and the fact you were fwb who fell into a relationship due to an unplanned pregnancy. It doesn’t like he will be happy in any relationship he has and that’s not a reflection on you but him

Ah, it's great you are using a childminder. That gives him much less chance to try and claim residency for the DC. Your next step now needs to be to get legal advice on what you might owe him for the house. What a lovely life you will have with your girls once that horrible man is gone.

Fuck him off. He’s a dick. That won’t change.

Eat healthy (note...I didn’t say diet!) and excercise. It doesn’t matter how tired you are, just excercise...get a personal trainer if you like. Cut out all sugar and bad fats.

Wow he sounds like a complete selfish arsehole. It also sounds like he will not compromise over anything. I also feel for this ex wife, imagine the devastation about being told you can’t have children and your, supposed, loving husband saying he will support adoption but wants his own kids

As for him not finding you attractive, i think you are absolutely spot on, he doesn’t find you attractive at size 20, I doubt he’d find you attractive at size 10! I put on 3 stone and my dp still fancies me rotten. It’s about love and respect. You being overweight doesn’t affect his behaviour at your work party. That’s just selfish behaviour and a complete lack of respect for you.

At least he’s done you one favour and that’s not to marry you.

As others have said, don’t put his name on anything and see a solicitor about what’s legally and morally right (you need to be able to sleep at night). As for him not going quietly, he may not have a choice but to leave! It’s your house and your land - as he wouldn’t marry you, he has no legal claim to it. I’d be tempted to leave him now and get a professional in to finish the job.

Seems like you have a plan re the house. ie. paying him for his work. He says he does not desire you anymore, and you sleep in different bedrooms. Tbh I think you are already a fair way into total seperation. Yes you have children who will still need contact with their father. But what's stopping you from doing the final part and asking him to move out ? I'm also going to suggest you have low self esteem ( due to the weight gain ) but I'm betting that is down to him. You will be happier and healthier once he leaves. By the way I've said the last few sentences because that's how I am. Disregard if I'm way off the mark.

I agree with you all - I have to get healthy for me and start exercising. I have let myself go completely.. I have low self esteem and he isn't helping. Sometimes I don't recognize the person I have become. I used to be so fun loving and funny and up for anything but now I work from home and hide from everyone. I'm like a battery hen. Things need to change and if I get rid of him then I'll become more motivated to go back to the old me. He is doing an amazing job on the house so I'm not stopping him as we're almost there and I need to move out of my mother's place without drama.. but I will talk to him about the cost of his labour and paying that off somehow. I am expecting him to get really nasty. Going to go to my sister's for the weekend with the children and leave him here working - can't stand the sight of him anymore.

I think misscph1973 post was an excellent . Just what I wanted to say that but she said it better. It seems time to end things and get YOU back. 4/5 stone is a lot of weight to gain, I often wonder why people find it hard to understand why a partner is slammed for not fancying someone getting obese. OP you both sound miserable, there is a life after separation, it is tough but life will be better in the end and you and your DC's with be happier and dare I say your DP. You sound very smart so just need to get your affairs in order. Hope you are feeling stronger.

@blackkitten - yes @misscph1973 post was really really good advice. and although I am obese now and on prozac, I do have feelings and being told I'm repulsive and disgusting hurts like hell. I used to fancy him so much but he hasn't offered to take me on a date/go away anywhere/do anything romantic for years now. He never cooks/cleans.. and if I suggest a date night he just says we can't afford it. He was never attentive but it's grating on my nerves now. He just sits on the couch every night on his ipad, irritable and cranky. He's miserable but wants to stay. I'm miserable and I want him to go. I am feeling stronger from this thread though, the support and kindness has been very nice. A lot of very thoughtful people out there :)

need he sounds very unhappy and is treating you very badly, you have every right to feel hurt by his actions. It all very well us giving advice from a far but I think you know the answer.. He may not fancy you anymore ( which is hard to hear I know, but possibly understandable) but that does not give him the right to treat you like this it is totally disrespectful. Sounds like you just need to find your mojo.

He's miserable but wants to stay.

Has he actually said that? If so-what did you say?

How long has he been out of work/doing up the house?

Has he ever said he wants his name on the mortgage?

What job does he intend to do when the house is done?

Anti-depressants do make it harder to lose weight, I've always found that. But I tend to yo-yo rather than just gain weight, I gain weight, find some motivation to lose it, then put it on again. It's comfort eating of course.

When you lose the weight it has to be for you, not to hold on a man who isn't worthy of you.

Wow.

Please just split up. You have a lot going for you. In your favour you are senior at your work so I presume you can support yourself. If you can live with your mother temporarily while a new house is being built then I presume you chould change that plan to just you and the DC living there while you save for your own place after disentangling yourself from a joint mortgage. You have your children, a place to live, your Mum, your job and your salary and you're not even married to the charmer. You will be ok if you MAKE THE CHANGES you need to make.

He doesn't get to infect you with his misery on his terms!!

If he co-parents and you share the children then you can have a life and freetime.

ps, I agree with posters saying that the weight you need to lose first his HIM. Later, figure out what you want to do with regard to your weight.

Doing it for yourself will be more fun.

ps, just read that the house is on your mum's land and nothing is in his name. Good. Let him take you to court. He is being an arsehole to you and he cannot expect you to live with him forever when he is so disrespectful to you. You don't OWE him a home. You've been working all this time he's been building.

Oh dear OP.

The first and best step towards losing the weight is splitting up with someone who makes you feel like shit.

He will still be the girls' dad if you split and will still love them just as much (if he really is a great dad). It sounds like he might be a decent coparent even though he's a shit partner, so hopefully you could work something out re contact - it may be hard on you to lose some time with them though so do be prepared for that. Would he be able to rent/buy somewhere near your house?

Needadvice77, when you say your partner is miserable abut wants to stay, I think your partner is afraid of change, we all are. Better the devil you know.

My STBXH did not want to split up either, it was me who wanted to end it. He wanted to keep the convenience of marriage, ie. 2 incomes, not having to shoulder all adult responsibility on your own etc. I think many men really like the convenience of marriage, and they are prepared to stay in marriage for that, whereas many women find it really hard to stay in marriage if there is no emotional connection/ physical contact.

I think also your partner might worry about losing his DDs. Men usually lose out in divorce in terms of contact with their children. I would consider that a real fear from his perspective, and perhaps a big reason he is still with you.

@Appuskidu - No he didn't say he is miserable - in fact he actually says he is happy? But his actions show me he is unhappy. He is a carpenter so he is self employed and taking time out to do this project. He will have plenty jobs to do when this is finished so I'm not concerned about his work after this. I just know he'll go off the rails on drinking binges locally and try to humiliate me even more.

@misscph1973 I know his concerns are about access to the children more than anything. He loves them and won't want to leave because of them. But I wouldn't stop him from seeing them, we'll have to make it work somehow. He would have stayed with his ex wife forever but she made the call as she must have felt snookered when he told her he would adopt but wanted his own biological children too.. given that she couldn't have children.
I am being told that he doesn't find me attractive/finds me repulsive etc.- he has never loved me and has humiliated me in front of my colleagues so now I think I'm at the stage his ex-wife got too. I have to call it, he would stay here forever otherwise.

He never wanted his name on the house/mortgage etc. which is just as well now.

You've no legal duty to give this man a home. He doesn't get to bully you into giving him a home. He's a grown man and can house himself. Sort the child arrangements out correctly and try to agree with him for you both to do what's right for the kids.

In terms of work, I don't think it's fair to use him for cheap labour to get to completion, that's shitty. Be honest with him and tell him the relationship is over and you both need to sort out the children fairly. See a solicitor first as a matter of urgency but be fair and honest.

As for him not finding you attractive any more. This is also fine, he doesn't have to. What's not fine is if he is rude and derogatory about it. There are ways to tell someone you're no longer physically attracted to them, be it weight related or others reasons, and telling them they repulse you isn't one of them. That's never ok.

You're taking too much, from the Xmas party to the abuse and being bullied into homing him. Get legal advice and then move this forward. In the meantime start lining up local trades to complete the house.

In that case he’s not as clever as you think he is OP, merely manipulative.

You have everything to gain by getting rid.

Op you have all the cards here. Get it done- start living your life. You'll lose 15 stone in one fell swoop just by getting rid of this absolute arsehole.

Needadvice77, you don't know that he will go on drinking binges and/or humiliate you even more. You will only upset yourself by assuming this. When you split, his behaviour is not any of your concern anymore.

You say that he loves your children - focus on that, let that guide you in your communication with him. It is in your and the children's best interest that he gets to remain their dad and that he gets fair access to them.

I am a firm believer in focusing on the positive and what you want. It really does work. Keep focusing on what's best for your children, and work actively on not occupying your head with assumptions about your partner's future behaviour. Who knows, maybe he is concerned about your behaviour going forward as well? You don't really know what goes on in his head, just like he has no idea what goes on in your head. Stick to the facts!

@TrollTheRespawnJeremy- If I lose 15 stone I'll disappear..lol but I like your train of thought :)

@Bluntness100 - Good advice, I will think on it. I don't want to be shitty either as he's my children's father first and foremost.

@misscph1973 - You give great advice, I hope you are a professional counsellor :) I will stop making it worse by assuming he will go off the rails. He might not either. Will focus on the positives.