Partner doesn't find me attractive. Need advice.

[Needadvice77]

Hello,
I am facing a huge decision and I feel weak as water, I have a partner and 2 girls aged 6 & 4. He was married before and we were seeing each other 7 years ago as "friends with benefits" as he didn't want a commitment. But I got pregnant and in fairness he stood by me. He was married before and separated, so I helped him get a divorce to finalize it and he his ex lives abroad so she's not around. They couldn't have children even after several failed attempts at IVF with his wife so I knew he was excited to become a father to our children.
Over the last few years since our second child was born our relationship has really deteriorated. I had post natal depression, and depression throughout my 2nd pregnancy. I'm sure the huge life changes, moving from the city home to the country to rent somewhere he wanted to, my brother committed suicide and I was made redundant from a job I loved. My partner doesn't like to talk about things, he just wants us to "get on" with everything and bury it deep. He reminds me every time we have a few drinks together that he never wants to get married again and he doesn't find me attractive anymore. We got engaged in 2015 so I'm not sure why we bothered as I'm embarrassed about it now. I don't find myself attractive either, I've gained 4 stone in the last few years so I don't expect he will want to sleep with me. He has said he needs sex and if I don't show him affection then he will find it elsewhere - but how can I have sex with someone that I disgust?
We sleep in separate rooms and are living at my mother's house while we build our own house, so now I have a mortgage and I work fulltime while he builds the house. I have said to him that we need to split up and he said NO WAY is he building a house and then moving out. He mortified me at my company Christmas party by flirting with my colleagues and getting really drunk in an up market venue. I'm quite senior in my company and I was mortified by his lack of respect for me. I feel like the writing is on the wall, but I also think my personal unhappiness in the situation is making things a lot worse.
He looks at me with disgust but I'm terrified of going it alone with the kids and work etc etc. I don't know what to do, I am afraid to tell anyone as I know they'll just think I should lose weight and everything will be OK. He is a nice guy - and he is seen as a really nice guy around here so I just don't know what to do, I don't want to split our family up but I feel trapped:(

Troll it does not help name calling. This is the father OP girls and once split they will need to co parent. WHAT Misscph* said, again lol. When I split from ex of 20 years, I was worried what he was going to do, hated the thought he would be free to do what ever he choose, see who pleased. Now I don't give a monkeys it does pass I promise. OP this is all raw but does get better, you need to honest with him and move on with your lives, deal with the practical stuff

You are lovely, but I'm not a counsellor ;) I am seeing a counsellor, though, and although I do know that I am doing the work myself, it does help to have support and feedback from a professional, worth every penny (and not as expensive as I thought).

I saw my mum do all the things that make your life really unhappy after divorce, and the person who hurt the most was her. She wasted 10 years of her life blaming my dad, and her relationship with me was so bad I went NC for 5 years.

You will be fine. Everything falls into place when you do what's right for you.

he doesn’t find you attractive at size 20, I doubt he’d find you attractive at size 10

^I wouldn’t find my partner attractive if they put on that much weight

It sounds like you're stuck in limbo because all of your options involve painful choices.

Yes, he might turn nasty, but there will be an end to it, t some point he will stop. If you stay with him, then that's it for the rest of your life.

Fascinating, greendale17.

I actually don’t think it’s unreasonable to not find someone attractive if they gain a substantial amount of weight.

If I met, fell in love with and married a man who had a size 34 waist, but over the years ended up a size 44 and very obese due to overeating-would I be unreasonable to not find him attractive any more?

OP’s weight is the least of her problems: her principle one is her arse of a husband.

@greendale17 and @Appuskidu the problem is not that the OP's DP isn't attracted to her, but the way he humiliates her, says she disgusts him. Is that likely to help her lose weight? She's already on Prozac, if anything it will make it worse. If she lets this continue, that is, which she's not doing.

You are making this about the OP's behaviour when her partner is clearly a total twat.

I cannot fathom why being overweight is considered worse behaviour than verbally abusing someone and getting drunk and making passes at her colleagues. Her weight is a red herring, just an easy one to catch.

OP - you realy need legal advice. He might not be on the deeds, but if he has made a substantial increase in the improvement/value of the house (ie, building it!) then he might be due some reward for that. I don't know what though.

But then, if he's been living rent free, and not contributing to the costs of food etc, then that will be deducted.

Like I say, get Legal.

Well weight is many women’s insecurity - those posters are projecting their own preoccupations.

Op, then get it done, do it with decency and hold your head up high. Be beyond reproach. Give him nothing to accuse you of, ie using him for free labour and waiting till the house was complete.

Make a solicitors appt then sit him down and tell him it's over. Give him a certain amount of time to move out and find alternate accommodation ie one or two months. Tell him you wish to sort custody for what works with the kids and for both of you. Tell him he doesn't need to work further on the house, it's his decision if he does further work before moving out. Remain dignified, but don't broker discussion or negotiation. Make it clear it is not a negotiation then end the conversation reminding him you both still will co parent so need to make this as amicable as possible. Remind him what's in it for him, it is no longer working for him and soft soap it up, that he has a right to find someone else to be happy with. In addition then tell others, inc your mum, friends, family, and the kids that the two of you have separated and he will be moving out shortly when he finds suitable accommodation.

@greendale17 - I was never a size 10, prob a size 14 when I met him and I'm now an 18/20 but I'm good looking with it.. there's just more of me to love..lol. So it's going to be his loss. Trying to dance suggestively with my colleague at my company Christmas party was humiliating and I know he's online on facebook connecting with women locally too - so he can rev up and f*ck off now. I am feeling stronger.

@TatianaLarina Word

I think the best thing to do would be to work out how much it would have cost you if someone else built your house. Pay him that amount and you keep the house. At the end of the day he'll need some money to get a place for your children to stay at when they visit. He sounds really unpleasant so luckily you're not married and your name is on the deeds.

Sorry I made a joke but not sure if it has been overlooked.

When I said the OP could lose 15 stone in one fell swoop- I meant by ditching her abusive DP. (Average Male weighs about 15 stone.)

This was meant to be a lighthearted way to agree that the OP should LTB blackkitten.

My ExH found me physically repulsive - apparently because I had put on weight. I lost the weight. It didn't make a blind bit of difference. It was just an excuse.

With my DP my weight has fluctuated - I have been a healthy weight and I have been obese and he has fancied me through that whole time and loves and respects me for who I am.
I have known DP both thin and fat too and I fancied the arse off him both ways - because I love and respect him for who he is.

There is no point jumping through hoops to meet the standards of someone that doesn't respect you anyway. Glad that you're realising that you could do so much better!