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Original poster

New relationship & drip fed information

120 replies

Hilarium · 14/03/2018 14:52

I’ve been with him for 3 months. I fell for him very quickly which is unusual for me - very unusual. I am not one of those people who is in love with being in love. We just clicked. He’s gorgeous and I really enjoy his company.

He had been married for 16 years and told me that he and his wife separated because they just grew apart. However, he also told me his teenage daughter doesn’t speak to him and is angry with him. I thought there has to be more to this. His lack of relationship with his daughter really hurts him and he desperately wants her back in his life.

So anyway, last week I found out the truth. Which is that the reason for his marriage break up and his daughter’s anger is that he developed a porn addiction and had sex with a prostitute. He moved into a different room in the house but then added insult to injury by going off with another woman because he was ‘lonely’

He had suggested that his wife was difficult because she had not let him value the house and sell it. But I can completely understand why she would do this and if I were in her shoes I would think why the hell should I lose my home because he decided to bang a hooker? I can also understand why his daughter won’t speak to him.

I think everyone deserves a second chance but would I be letting myself in for more of the same? I had noticed that he seems to have hang ups about sex which apparently is all related to the above.

I really love him and he treats me very well always. But obviously it concerns me that he could behave in such a self destructive way.

Would you be concerned about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hilarium · 14/03/2018 21:32

I would have to disagree with those of you who say falling in love within 3 months (on its own) is a sign something is wrong though.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 14/03/2018 21:35

I'm out. This thread is going round in circles. Justify your decision however you want OP. Good luck.

AthenasOwl · 14/03/2018 21:38

3 months in and all this stuff ..I could not be assed! It shouldn't be like this 3 months in...bin it off and move on to someone who respects women and isn't a loser.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 14/03/2018 21:38

Firstly, after less than three months, you certainly do not love him, although you may feel like you do. You are infatuated with the image of himself that he has no doubt carefully managed for the last three months.

Secondly, it is not hard to treat someone really really nicely for three months, especially when you don't live with them. Don't base your opinion of him on how he is treating you now. How he treated his wife is a much better indicator of who he really is.

Thirdly, he's demonstrably a cheat and a liar, he used a prostitute (would definitely be a deal-breaker for me), he's got hang-ups, he's got the baggage of a relationship to repair with his daughter, an angry ex-wife, a divorce and house settlement to get through... honestly, this one's just not worth the effort. Even if he manages to rebuild something of a relationship with his daughter, she will look at you with scorn/pity forever.

And finally, I seriously, seriously doubt you actually have the whole story yet. And you know this, from the sound of your posts.

Gacapa · 15/03/2018 00:24

"bang a hooker"

Ugh. Think about the way you are talking about this woman.

"Self-destructive way"

So cheating on his wife, paying to use another human being's body for sex, bringing havoc and terrible hurt to his daughter - these are self- destructive behaviours are they?

Yeah. Women are mere pawns in his life a victim.

Original poster
Hilarium · 15/03/2018 05:04

I find it completely unacceptable that some people pay to use anyone for sex. I was trying to illustrate how his wife must feel given that he expected her to sell their house. In her shoes I would think he’s made his bed & can lie on it. I think the situation was entirely his fault, though he tried to paint it otherwise. And that really bothers me.

It really annoys me how people twist things on mumsnet. Yes I do think it’s self destructive to jeopardise a marriage and stuff up your relationship with one of your children. That does not mean I think his wife and daughter were pawns in his life FFS.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 15/03/2018 05:17

He must be happy he doesn't currently have to pay for sex.

Original poster
Hilarium · 15/03/2018 05:42

I'm not going to stay with him. If there's one thing I've learned it's that the best indication of someone's future behaviour is their past behaviour. And if he treated the love of his life that way then he's bound to do the same to me. I also don't like the way he tries to apportion blame to his wife and daughter. And calls them 'selfish' Instead of taking full responsibility

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 15/03/2018 11:11

He calls his wife and daughter selfish?!

His daughter?

This man is a worthless shit.

Very glad you have decided to end things with him. If I were you I’d want a good long scrub in a hot shower.

Hillarium · 15/03/2018 12:06

I hope you are not saying I should feel dirty.

I have done nothing wrong. This man lied to me and told me that he and his wife split up because they just grew apart. He has presented himself as someone he is not.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/03/2018 12:21

No of course not, sorry - didn’t mean to make you feel like that. More some healing time, a reaction to someone unpleasant.

Iooselipssinkships · 15/03/2018 12:23

I have found out the hard way that usually when a man call it's 'making love' they are a manipulative fucker and it's anything but love. Might start out that way but I can guarantee your sex life with this man will get darker.
He has a problem with you using a sex toy? Wow. Been in your life 3 months and is controlling how you chose to pleasure yourself.
I know you think you're head over heels but stop for a moment, you're not usually like this, that's a red flag. Love bombing and mirroring can make us think we've found our soul mate but it's not real.
Hell I'd walk down the street thinking omg love songs all make sense now, this is like being high on life! It's not real. It's too intense. It will become toxic and dangerous.
I'm going on my own experiences and of course I could be completely wrong but I don't think that's gonna be the case.
Stay safe and stay strong OP. You know what you need to do.

Hillarium · 15/03/2018 12:44

Loose - yes so much of what you say rings true. He’s never love bombed me at all. But I think he does have some serious issues which probably go back to childhood. He tries to make me promise not to masturbate when I’m on my own and keeps asking if we can go shopping so he can buy me clothes Hmm

It takes me a lot of time to process things that happen. This is quite common with people on the spectrum. I need time to rethink the situation and information I’m presented with.

I can’t possibly love him because he misrepresented himself.

I met this guy through work and people had only good things to say about him.

Hillarium · 15/03/2018 13:43

Thanks, I understand AC. He could have not talked much about his divorce but he chose to misrepresent things.

Ohyesiam · 15/03/2018 13:51

Sorry op, this sounds tricky. I’ve only read the first post.
If this were me, I would want the man to be very actively having treatment for the addiction. I have a friend who is a psychotherapist who successfully treats it, so it’s possible. Treating addiction involves huge amounts of honesty, which is good, because you really need to know where you stand.
So if I were resilient enough, and I could see him progressing( as opposed to hearing him say the right things) then I would consider staying.
Hope you find your way with this.

OhCalamity · 15/03/2018 13:56

It's only been three months. I've cheese in my fridge older than your relationship.

This is far too much baggage for such a new relationship. Too intense, too many red flags, too much too soon. It will not end well for you if you stay there.

Hillarium · 15/03/2018 14:07

OhYes - he has had treatment. Apparently.

I think the main issue for me is that he has talked badly about his wife and daughter.

Hillarium · 15/03/2018 21:50

Well it’s over. And I’m not as upset as I thought I would be because I’ve realised I don’t know him.

I told him that I found it hard to believe that he had only seen the escort once and he got very defensive and said ‘are you accusing me of being a liar?’

Honestly if someone had told me when I first went out with him that he did this stuff I would never have believed it. He has tried to portray himself as a man who is squeaky clean etc.

I think people were quite harsh on this thread but it did make me understand that this is all wrong once I had time to process it.

AnyFucker · 15/03/2018 22:12

Why are you now on ypur 3rd name on this thread ?

Hillarium · 15/03/2018 22:16

Look AF, I know you think you're the relationship guru of MN but it's obvious I'm not a troll. MNHQ emailed me and told me that they had tried to fix my name change fail. And I don't have to answer to you.

AnyFucker · 15/03/2018 22:21

I am curious about why you had 3 different names on the thread

I didn't think for one minute I had the answer to your relationship problems.

sidewayswithatescotrolley · 15/03/2018 22:22

It's a mispelling of the original name, its easy to do!

Hillarium · 15/03/2018 22:23

The first one was a name change. The second one for some reason didn't work because I think I was using the app. Then I tried to switch to the original name change and it wouldn't let me so I had to add a letter.

AnyFucker · 15/03/2018 22:24

It's not a simple mis spelling at all

You have to go through the process of name changing which is a pain in the arse to do

sidewayswithatescotrolley · 15/03/2018 22:27

No, when you go from one name back to an old one, you have to write it in again. Or you can spell it wrong like OP did. It's not a pain in the arse, it takes 2 seconds.

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