New relationship & drip fed information

[Hilarium]

I’ve been with him for 3 months. I fell for him very quickly which is unusual for me - very unusual. I am not one of those people who is in love with being in love. We just clicked. He’s gorgeous and I really enjoy his company.

He had been married for 16 years and told me that he and his wife separated because they just grew apart. However, he also told me his teenage daughter doesn’t speak to him and is angry with him. I thought there has to be more to this. His lack of relationship with his daughter really hurts him and he desperately wants her back in his life.

So anyway, last week I found out the truth. Which is that the reason for his marriage break up and his daughter’s anger is that he developed a porn addiction and had sex with a prostitute. He moved into a different room in the house but then added insult to injury by going off with another woman because he was ‘lonely’

He had suggested that his wife was difficult because she had not let him value the house and sell it. But I can completely understand why she would do this and if I were in her shoes I would think why the hell should I lose my home because he decided to bang a hooker? I can also understand why his daughter won’t speak to him.

I think everyone deserves a second chance but would I be letting myself in for more of the same? I had noticed that he seems to have hang ups about sex which apparently is all related to the above.

I really love him and he treats me very well always. But obviously it concerns me that he could behave in such a self destructive way.

Would you be concerned about this?

Oh, it's you

People do not change OP.

People who think that people change, have just not hung around long enough to notice that changes to morals /values /personalities /weaknesses are, at the very best, temporary.

He didn't tell you at the beginning because why would anyone tell a stranger about something they did that's so foul? It would make no sense. Of course he'd conceal it until he knew you were hooked and less likely to leave him over it.

Also, falling for someone 3 months in, is a sign that something is wrong. Again... those who think different have just not had time to see it all unravel. Quick journeys to love generally means you are dealing with a manipulator or sociopath... they know how to mirror your feelings back to you, which causes you to attach to them. They don't even necessarily do it intentionally, it's just a thing that has probably worked for them since childhood, it's just how they are. The problem is, once you're hooked in by someone like this, your life slowly becomes more and more hellish

Walk away love.

You really have to ask?

Get real and get rid!

Stop dating for a while because your standards are so low Froddo Baggins could limbo under them.

It's ok I just don't want the first post to have my usual user name on in case the thread is searched.

I do actually agree that people don't change. He has been at pains to tell me the situation was a one off (the sex worker). I do also agree that people minimise stuff generally.

I’d take your own advice from another thread where you accused some poor soul of using sex workers because they disagree with you.
Reported

I do obviously disagree with the use of sex workers and of people saying everyone does it. And if this guy was doing it now I would leave!

You could simplify this for yourself by not tying yourself in knots about whether porn is ok or will he use prostitutes again by asking yourself if you want a relationship with a dishonest lying scumbag. Hd cheated on his wife not once but twice (at least) and has lied to you about why his marriage broke down etc- manipulated and misled you. Why would you want a liar for a partner??

Anyone can treat someone well for three months. You barely know each other.

Your friend's standards are low if treating someone well dating for three months was a significant yardstick for her.

And now you find out all this. Do yourself a favour and walk away.

I've asked my friend to give me her honest opinion in case she was trying not to say anything negative.

Why are you clinging on to him? Why is your self worth so low?

OP
I think it is abundantly clear that the vast majority of pp are urging you to leave this man,several have been in your position.You asked for advice and have it.what you do next is entirely your decision.
But don't continue in this relationship unless you are prepared to be hurt,because this man has a lot of baggage.he has to work on his relationship with his daughter,sort out his finances,deal with his addiction,arrange the divorce,establish a permanent home,oh,and spend time with you.
Please think this through with your head,not your heart.protect yourself please.

It's the fact he lied to you about his daughter that is the massive red flag.

The other red flags are moderately huge.

You need to make your own choice.

Your friend’s opinion is hers, ours on here are ours.

Since he has told you who he is if you choose to continue with him IMO it would be extremely unwise to do it on the basis that you believe he has/will only ever buy sex once.

If you choose to continue it you need to be a. Ok with the fact you are with a man who has bought sex in the past, b. Ok with him having wrecked his relationship with his own daughter through his behaviour and c. Is highly likely to have not only bought sex once and highly likely to buy sex again.

Oh and d. Prepared that he is going to continue to tell you lies about things to make him look good even when he has no reason to tell you anything at all.

This is three months in, when things are the best they’ll ever be, and he has shown you he doesn’t have integrity by his behaviour re his ex and daughter and by his unnecessary lies to you re his ex and daughter and his behaviour. It is therefore totally reasonable to assume he is a person who doesn’t have integrity.

Men who pay women for sex are despicable. I couldn't have anything do to with him. He will have lost all my respect.

Oh please save yourself the heartache and get rid of him.

Even if he is sorry, very sorry, it isn't down to you to make it all better for him. He has hang ups about sex. Those hangups will very likely display themselves more and more as the thrill of your new relationship fades.

Men who use prostitutes do not value women in the slightest. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself this advice. I am trapped. Please don't make the same mistake.

In regards to sex he was hesitant about us having sex and seemed quite uptight. It has to be ‘making love’ he won’t do anything that he thinks seems kinky. But he managed to maintain a porn addiction, sleep with a prostitute and go off with another woman, which by no stretch of the imagination involves love. He's spinning you a line OP.

I think as pp has suggested, more likely a major case of the madonna/whore syndrome - which is a huge red flag.

Yes, they only want to 'make love' with the woman at home. The sex is very vanilla. And that is at the start when there is excitement. Gradually you will become inhibited by it. Intimacy will become embarrassing. Sex will become 'unimportant' compared to other parts of the relationship. You will have invested to much to lose.

Elsewhere, they are texting escorts, sexting, visiting prostitutes. This is their other need which they know is wrong within a relationship and unacceptable - so they hide it. They are emotionally distant - they can't connect sexually with their partner - and so yes, they do end up living in the spare room. You will end up as room mates.

And the sad thing is, you will never really know why they go to see the prostitutes, or sext. They will say when caught that it is meaningless, or a compulsion. Even that there is 'nothing sexual about it' and then you have to mentally live with it. Or break your family up.

It is emotional and mental abuse.

Nah. You're 3 months in, you've barely scratched the surface of what this guy is really like and so far you've realised:

the sex is boring
he's shagged a prostitute at least once
he did that while he was married
he had a porn addiction
his daughter doesn't speak to him

Sounds a real prize. I'm not surprised why you're so keen to hang on to such a superior example of a man.

He apparently has had counselling for the addiction aspect. I too, really doubt that the escort will have been a one off. It requires a great deal of premeditation and plenty of opportunities to back out.

I also agree with you about his daughter. In the beginning that was the one thing that really bothered me.

The sex with him is not boring. It’s actually very good. He was struggling with me wanting to use sex toys but has now stopped that particular hang up.

I’m not ‘keen’ to hang on to anyone. I’ve become better at ending relationships

User - I’m sorry you’re trapped. That sounds awful :(