New relationship & drip fed information

[Hilarium]

I’ve been with him for 3 months. I fell for him very quickly which is unusual for me - very unusual. I am not one of those people who is in love with being in love. We just clicked. He’s gorgeous and I really enjoy his company.

He had been married for 16 years and told me that he and his wife separated because they just grew apart. However, he also told me his teenage daughter doesn’t speak to him and is angry with him. I thought there has to be more to this. His lack of relationship with his daughter really hurts him and he desperately wants her back in his life.

So anyway, last week I found out the truth. Which is that the reason for his marriage break up and his daughter’s anger is that he developed a porn addiction and had sex with a prostitute. He moved into a different room in the house but then added insult to injury by going off with another woman because he was ‘lonely’

He had suggested that his wife was difficult because she had not let him value the house and sell it. But I can completely understand why she would do this and if I were in her shoes I would think why the hell should I lose my home because he decided to bang a hooker? I can also understand why his daughter won’t speak to him.

I think everyone deserves a second chance but would I be letting myself in for more of the same? I had noticed that he seems to have hang ups about sex which apparently is all related to the above.

I really love him and he treats me very well always. But obviously it concerns me that he could behave in such a self destructive way.

Would you be concerned about this?

Your standards are very low

There are a lot of people on MN who find porn itself a deal breaker though.

It’s all very well to say my standards are low. It’s confusing to suddenly find out that the person you love has treated his ex wife terribly and has not told you the truth from the beginning. Certainly I would not have got involved if I knew this in the beginning.

If you wouldn't have got involved knowing this from the beginning then that's your answer

I think you need to step away. This will bring you down.

Honestly, I would walk away. There is just now way you can KNOW the truth, and what you do know is disturbing and distressing.
You don't need this, and you are worth more . Most likely he IS very charming and lovely to reel you in, but in due course, the real person who cheats, lies and uses prostitutes will return. Right now you can walk away with minimum investment, in 6 months it will be harder.
I speak from bitter experience

Why is he telling you all this?

IMO/E if you think you love someone after just three months it is HIGHLY likely they are abusive and manipulating you about who they are. Most likely the person you think you love doesn’t exist and is a fabrication by a person who is only ever going to harm you.

Plus, the being uptight about sex and prior prostitute use indicates Madonna/whore complex most punters have IMO. They will play the victim with sex workers re their wife not putting out or their wife not doing kinky stuff but a significant amount of the time it is not even true and is just a way they compartmentalise and justify shitty treatment.

And to answer re why he is telling you this, IMO, a lot of people fall for the drawing you in by being perfect (lies), manufactured closeness and intimacy (love bombing) that pressures you to feel tied to them and then dripfeed kernels of truth to encourage the target to feel various things like ‘why would he tell me this if he hadn’t changed?’ ‘He feels comfortable enough with me to be honest so he deserves tolerance’ ‘he told me really difficult and embarrassing stuff he didn’t need to tell me so he’s definitely different now’ etc etc and a while later when you discover they have made various small and large betrayals in your relationship it will be followed up with ‘you knew what I was like’ and ‘I can’t help it I told you I was like this’ stuff

But it is the beginning, 13 weeks ago he played no part in your life.
I would end it immediately but then I have a very low threshold for bullshit since my ex.
He has lied to you about important things 3 months in, what makes you think he will not continue to do that.
He has shown that he can act in a disgusting and disloyal way to his own fa.ily, what makes you think he won't do that to you. This early on I wouldn't risk my mental or physical health by continuing it.
I have a rule to never date a man who has children they don't see. In my experience there is usual a reason and that reason usually lies at their door.

Hi @Hilarium

I've been through a similar ish situation and my advice would be to protect yourself as although he may be able to change at some point it doesn't sound like he's dealt with his previous situation yet.

Despite his best intentions to treat you well there may be deep rooted addictions or unhappiness that drive him to behave in the same way again.

As I say I have been through this and ended up feeling very humiliated and stupid.

Take care

(And the generic classic for abusers/betrayers/manipulators; ‘I only didn’t tell you because I knew you would react like this’)

Offred - I must say that Madonna/Whore complex was what occurred to me too when I found out about this.

My friend in RL says she thinks I should give him a second chance. But of course the problem is not knowing the truth for sure.

I couldn't be with a man who had paid for sex.

It’s confusing to suddenly find out that the person you love has treated his ex wife terribly and has not told you the truth from the beginning. Certainly I would not have got involved if I knew this in the beginning

Its been 12 weeks! He sounds horrendous, but the thing is nobody owes anyone else their life story. He doesn't have to tell you anything about his marriage or his child or anything if he doesn't want to.
You're only known him 5 minutes, of course you don't know that much about him up until now.

Has you friend explained why she thinks you should give him another chance?

I wonder if it is for reasons such as I outlined in my last post?

She said that sometimes people make terrible mistakes but that if he has treated me well up until now (he has) I should give him a chance.

But has he? He didn’t need to tell you anything about his marriage but he lied and then dropped which brings to mind ‘what else is he manipulating you about?’

*dripfed

It's very confusing

Yes it is of course possible that he's manipulating me in other ways.

I would dump and run. It’s just not worth it.

I would leave any man who told me he’d been with a prositute even if he were single at the time tbh, it’s a vile misogynistic act. But the fact he was married?! Definitely a no. You know what they say about cheats... you’d be his next victim. He sounds like the sort of man that doesn’t get sex for a day or two so has everyone playing the violin for him about how hard done by he is.

I think you've had a name change fail OP.

After 3 months you don't even have to go into the real reasons you want to split. A generic 'this isn't right for me' or 'can't commit' should be good enough, because I will bet my house on him being unable and unwilling to face the real reasons. If you do split, spare yourself the honest conversation; it'll get bogged down in recrimination, he said/she said and guilt, and lead nowhere.

Ok so what your friend days holds am element of truth but in real life why take the risk.
My ex was abusive and violent in to many people before me. However he treated me well for the first couple of months. Did My stop him showing his true colours eventually. Neither didn't stop him abusing and beating me. People rarely change.