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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sex after OLD & ghosting: show the other cheek or blank him?

79 replies

littlepill · 14/03/2018 05:39

A few moths ago, I met a guy online and we emailed for a few weeks. We hit it off straight away. He lived quite far but we met up, nice chemistry, he kissed me at the end of the date.

Over emails he explained he didn’t have the emotional capacity to get (emotionally) close to anyone, despite the obvious spark. However, he still wanted to meet again, which we did.

Great second date. It led to sex, which was fabulous. Spent night together, loads more sex. Given his emails, I kind of knew it was unlikely to lead to a relationship, but thought we might at least continue to be friends. I specifically asked him not to ghost me.

He continued to communicate for a few days after and then, guess what? Yup, no contact.

I’m over it - it’s his problem and not mine. I doubt there was anyone else. He was hardly ever on the site and his membership was coming to an end. I don’t think he blocked me, I think he was genuine. He did tell me about his problems with emotional intimacy and I still agreed to sex anyway. I am pretty detached, emotionally, myself.

My question is: it’s his birthday soon. During our emailing we had a lot of banter over when his birthday was, all jokey kind of stuff. Do I email a one liner to say HB, or shall I continue to ignore him?

I kind of want to show my kind side - “you have been a shit but hey, I still remembered your birthday”

but another part of me wants him to think he has lost the privilege of being in my headspace.

Maybe should mention I have ASD so get this stuff wrong all the time.

OP posts:
littlepill · 14/03/2018 05:40

“A few months ago” - sorry for errors. Stupid phone.

OP posts:
KeepCalm · 14/03/2018 05:44

IGNORE!!!!!!! you don't even need to ask. He won't care. Block/delete/ignore and repeat

littlepill · 14/03/2018 05:47

Other details, not sure if relevant: when I asked him not to ghost me, he sort of rolled his eyes and said no, of course he wouldn’t, that there was much in common.

I took the MAP the next day and he kept in contact while I got it - also made sure I got home ok, etc.

A few days later over email he said he felt very low (this was common for him). Quite long lines about his wanting distance. I said how about he email when he had something creative to say - we had pre loudly shared our bits of writing. Have not heard back.

He was supposed to be coming my way a couple of weeks ago & had previously mentioned staying with me, but he didn’t contact me. There was snow & maybe it was cancelled, but clearly he didn’t want to be with me.

I can cope with it, but part of me wants to email to say “Hey! I am still here you know!” to give his conscience a jolt.

WTF! Not sure why I am thinking about it, still.

OP posts:
littlepill · 14/03/2018 05:49

HEY thanks, keepcalm
Really? I’m not sure that he won’t care. But maybe better not to leave that door open any more.
It helps thinking it through on here..

OP posts:
Isthisnameacceptable01 · 14/03/2018 05:51

Don’t contact him again. That would be odd. He ghosted you. He doesn’t want to hear from you again.

IWouldLikeToKnow · 14/03/2018 05:51

Oh you shouldn't even have to ask. Just don't

Whenwillwe3meetagain · 14/03/2018 05:52

Agree! Delete and forget. He hasn't respected you already and he doesn't want to be in contact.

FrizzyNoodles · 14/03/2018 05:53

Blank him!! Get yourself a slice of cake too! What an arse hole he is

littlepill · 14/03/2018 05:54

Thank you. You know when you have to hear this stuff from someone else? Maybe, in order to believe it? This is that, for me.

OP posts:
hesterton · 14/03/2018 05:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton · 14/03/2018 05:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KeepCalm · 14/03/2018 06:02

He ghosted you after you specifically asked him not to after sex.

Read it back. Pretend it was a friend asking for advice.

He does not care. He has not been back in contact.

Ignore/block/delete.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 14/03/2018 06:09

Why do you disagree that he won't care. If he cared he would still be talking to you, so no I wouldn't bother.
He told you he wasn't emotionally available for a relationship, you slept together, it would seem to me that he told you what he wanted, he got what he wanted and now it's done.
Under those circumstances I wouldn't message him again, not even to say happy birthday, he could've met someone else.
Your posts give the impression that your thinking about this a lot and you're talking as though you know him very well, you don't really. You spoke for a bit and met twice you only know what he has chose to tell you, he could be anyone/anything, don't blow this into something it wasn't in your head.
I would just move on and forget about any future contact. It sounds like he doesn't want or need anything else from you.

Eric1964 · 14/03/2018 06:15

"Problems with emotional intimacy" my arse.

giggidy1 · 14/03/2018 06:19

I think you're being far too nice to him and romanticising what has actually happened. You met twice, had sex, he started ignoring you. Those are the facts. Why would you want to keep in contact?!

Best case scenario - you send the message, he replies. You get that 'buzz' of happiness and keep replying until he disappears again.

Worst case scenario - you send the message and don't hear back and feel bad.

Actually in both scenarios you get hurt!

ScattyCharly · 14/03/2018 06:28

No don’t contact him

TheNaze73 · 14/03/2018 07:25

The brutal truth is this was a sexual transaction for him & that was it.
Sending him a message, will do you no favours at all

GameChanger01 · 14/03/2018 07:32

Welcome to world of OLD... honestly it's happened to a lot of us even with guys we've spent longer than two dates getting to know who even promised the world.

I agree with everything pp said you don't know him, he owes you nothing and vice versa. Chalk it up as experience and good sex, block (because he may be back for more seriously I've had that too) and move on.

villamariavintrapp · 14/03/2018 07:37

Nope. It won't give his conscience a jolt, he doesn't care enough for that. Makes you look desperate.

Ryder63 · 14/03/2018 07:41

Chalk it up as experience and good sex, block (because he may be back for more seriously I've had that too) and move on

This ^ don't take it personally - you've done nothing wrong - this is very, very common on OLD, unfortunately.

mummyretired · 14/03/2018 07:49

I would HB if I wanted to resume as sex-only accepting that it would be a short-term arrangement. Not commenting on the wisdom or otherwise of those, depends on individuals and their situation.

littlepill · 14/03/2018 08:45

Wow, thanks all!

KeepCalm That's the problem with ASD. I read it back and I can't "Pretend it was a friend asking for advice" I don't get it in the same way as everyone else! But yes, can see how it adds up to his lack of caring/fear of leaping in.

ALittleBitConfused1 The stuff he said when we were emailing suggested he would care, but yeah, why should I put in any more emotional effort.... No, I am not thinking about this a lot - was allowing myself a few mins here and there today to think about it, before making a decision. We did get to know each other a lot through the emails, it seemed a lot of effort to go to for just the sex. I think he intended a bit more but scared himself off. I am not making it into any more or any less than it was: a lot of extensive emailing followed by 2 dates. That's all.

giggidy1 I did wonder if I was being too nice. I am not really romanticising anything (although his emails were romantic). I am keeping things down to earth, if anything. The emails were very long and frank and emotionally bare on his end, which is why I am trying to work out if it would be worth it or not. Maybe for more sex, but the emotions could get messy in the long run. I could always hurt him, you know - if there were more sex, I could be the one to ghost him back. Unlikely I would do that, though!

GameChanger01 I am familiar with the world of OLD, sadly! Have grown to understand this is a common scenario. Yes, also occurring after >2 dates...I guess some people are rubbish with emotional involvement. Yeah, am happy to chalk to up as experience, TBH it was a risk I took when I was in bed with him.

Ryder63 Yes, not taking it personally. He told me he has a problem with emotional involvement. Happy to let it be his problem, and not mine. Also I imagine that the sort of person who ends up on OLD will have some emotional commitment problems if they are on there at a certain age in life (and I include myself in that!).

mummyretired Perfect! Yes, was trying to work out if I wanted more sex in the short term, because I think HB would lead to that only... I think there might be easier ways... Thank you! That is an alternative opinion but it makes sense as to why I am considering it at all....

OK. Decision reached. No more emails, ever!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 14/03/2018 08:53

Regardless of anything else, please take your sexual health more seriously.

AbsolutelyCorking · 14/03/2018 08:57

I don’t think one night stands are for you, I think it has affected you more than you thought. You’ve become attached.

littlepill · 14/03/2018 09:02

Justmuddling Thanks, but I didn't ask about that.

AbsolutelyCorking We didn't discuss it as a ONS, which is my point! I haven't become attached - I am asking whether to wish him a HB or whether I should go completely NC.

OP posts: