Sex after OLD & ghosting: show the other cheek or blank him?

[littlepill]

A few moths ago, I met a guy online and we emailed for a few weeks. We hit it off straight away. He lived quite far but we met up, nice chemistry, he kissed me at the end of the date.

Over emails he explained he didn’t have the emotional capacity to get (emotionally) close to anyone, despite the obvious spark. However, he still wanted to meet again, which we did.

Great second date. It led to sex, which was fabulous. Spent night together, loads more sex. Given his emails, I kind of knew it was unlikely to lead to a relationship, but thought we might at least continue to be friends. I specifically asked him not to ghost me.

He continued to communicate for a few days after and then, guess what? Yup, no contact.

I’m over it - it’s his problem and not mine. I doubt there was anyone else. He was hardly ever on the site and his membership was coming to an end. I don’t think he blocked me, I think he was genuine. He did tell me about his problems with emotional intimacy and I still agreed to sex anyway. I am pretty detached, emotionally, myself.

My question is: it’s his birthday soon. During our emailing we had a lot of banter over when his birthday was, all jokey kind of stuff. Do I email a one liner to say HB, or shall I continue to ignore him?

I kind of want to show my kind side - “you have been a shit but hey, I still remembered your birthday”

but another part of me wants him to think he has lost the privilege of being in my headspace.

Maybe should mention I have ASD so get this stuff wrong all the time.

He has already gone completely NC for you. So if you want to send a HB into the ether that's your choice , but only do it if you are ok with it echoing back to you.

You like him more than you should. Forget about what you think about him and focus on the facts of how he has treated you

I've been there, wrapped up in men I think are amazing frequently but if I just black and white put on paper the way they had treated me - it becomes clear - amazing or not, THEY ARENT INTERESTED even in a friendship

You're way overinvested worrying to say HB or not, while he is completely uninterested with no plans to contact you unless perhaps he feels like an easy shag sometime he may give it a go

The best thing you can do is block, delete and try to stop this pattern with men. I'm having to learn it myself and teach myself so I feel for you and it's hurtful x

You are being far too generous about him and making excuses as to why he hasn’t stayed in touch ie feeling low, emotional commitment issues, snow .

I understand it is easier for you if you rationalise it but he just doesn’t want to see you again.

Please don’t. By showing him your kind side you’re opening yourself up to being fucked and ghosted all over again.
He won’t be giving you headspace on his birthday unless he thinks he’s got a chance of getting a birthday bj. Or birthday anal as that seems to be a thing now.

Sorry op. I didn’t read that you have asd.
In that case: it is normal for people to lay themselves bare emotionally in order to get what they want.
It is a trick to make you think that you’re getting close and that this person thinks highly of you , enough to share their deepest thoughts and secret emotions.
Honestly, he just played a game with you. This is a really common game and many of us have been stung by this. Some of us learn early, some never learn, some are taken by surprise by people who seem really genuine.
Whatever he said about his birthday, it was just banter, he couldn’t care less if you remember it or not.
If you remember his birthday he’ll just think you want more sex.
Let it go, move on and hold your head high, be proud that you resisted contact.

It does seem that you're quite invested I know you say you aren't but reading between the lines I agree with pp. that have mentioned romanticising .
You have mentioned lots of things that make it sound like you care more than you're admitting to. Just remember people don't always tell the truth.
I wouldn't get too carried away with the whole, he shared his feelings and thoughts and thinking his reaction was fear of getting hurt. From my experience men will say pretty much anything to get sex (I have had this conversation with my male friends) and that if they feel something there is not a lot that will stop them from being with that person.
I think that you've made the right decision not to contact him. The tone of your responses make me think you would struggle to keep this Just about sex and as he's made it clear that's all it would be you're definitely better off not messaging again.

He doesn't want to hear from you again. I don't actually think he's done anything wrong. He told you that he only wanted sex, you agreed end of. It was a one night stand. There's no need to contact him.

Go completely no contact, that's what he has done to you and really you should be using condoms if your having casual sex.

work on your self esteem. this guy keeps shagging you, bullshitting you and then ignoring you. it sounds rubbish. and is a zillion miles away from what a real relationship looks like.

he's not interested. stop sniffing round him for scraps and fuck him off.

Definitely don't wish him HB. All that stuff about his fear, scaring himself off - that is such romanticised guff. He wasn't scared of a shagathon and he's not scared to be an arsehole who ghosts you. Forget about him.

Or wish him a shit birthday if anything! Never mind the gameplaying of letting him think he's lost the privilege of your headspace - he clearly hasn't. Be he deserves to.

But not be

I would only wish him a happy birthday if you are completely confident that you won't care if you don't get a response.

Ignore ignore and ignore.

Thanks all, I felt I should clarify a few points, as some of the replies have got the situation very wrong indeed!

pizzayum
You like him more than you should

No! I don't! I am interested in what would happen if I were to email him my birthday wishes. I am more intrigued, than anything. He was very deep with some of his replies in the first couple of weeks, even sent me bits of his writings, letters, diary entries, quite personal stuff. He had said he wanted a friendship, which is why I am surprised now.

I don't think I am overinvested. It crossed my mind yesterday morning when I saw the date and I barely thought about it before then. I have had a few other dates since him. I agree with you, at times it is best to block and delete. Have done that in the past!

Minus2
You are being far too generous about him
Yes, I am kind-hearted and like to see the best in people. Also, he did seem pretty vulnerable and he overshared hugely. If anything, I thought it would be me doing the leaving and fading out. He had explained over some time that he was very scared of getting hurt. I know the type you describe, and have met many of those, but he really sounded like he could have done with the friendship more than the sex.

Clearly, he doesn't want to see me again. I accept that.

Jellyheadbang Yes, maybe he laid himself bare to play emotional tricks, although I suspect he realised he didn't want to get too involved afterwards.

ALittleBitConfused1
It does seem that you're quite invested I know you say you aren't but reading between the lines I agree with pp. that have mentioned romanticising

I can promise you that I am not invested, other than that it would be nice to wish someone I have had sex with once, a happy birthday I've been on other dates since him and I don't think there has been much romanticising. I'm not and was not after a relationship with him, and I thought we would end up in a FWB type arrangement, if anything.

You have mentioned lots of things that make it sound like you care more than you're admitting to

No. Although generally, I do care about people I have sex with! But I don't care beyond initial intrigue about him, now. Clearly nothing more was meant to happen.

To be fair, I think I might have wanted to the sex a bit more than he did. But yes, will not contact.

PrettyLittIeThing
He told you that he only wanted sex, you agreed end of. It was a one night stand.

You have this wrong. We agreed to the sex, yes, but we discussed it being a FWB style arrangement. Also, we discussed future dates. He was coming to stay with me next, and that we were going to do a work thing together (in similar lines). We didn't say it was a ONS at all! At no stage! We had sex on the night of the date and then more in the morning, during which we discussed plans to do it again, and not a ONS at all.

PrettyLittIeThing
Go completely no contact, that's what he has done to you and really you should be using condoms if your having casual sex.

I didn't ask for sex advice, but just to clarify that we were using a condom and it split. Thanks.

GlassHalfFullOfWee I think my self-esteem is healthy and this:
this guy keeps shagging you, bullshitting you and then ignoring you

is wrong. He didn't 'keep shagging' me, and he didn't ignore initially, either. The next-day texts and emails were very caring and sweet. It was just weird how it stopped.

it sounds rubbish. and is a zillion miles away from what a real relationship looks like.
I wasn't after a relationship. I didn't want him to be my partner, we had agreed to FWB, at most. I'm not "sniffing for scraps" - have had other dates since him.

pinkdelight I think he might have been worried about the sex itself. He did struggle to keep up a bit, and he prob thought that it would lead to conflict. I get the feeling he doesn't like confrontation very much. I don't have it in me to wish him a shit birthday, I am a kind person. He can play games all he likes but he'll be playing alone

I have to say, as a man, if this happened to me, I would just see it as a green light to shag you again. Whether I would make the effort to respond in the hope of that, depends on what I had on at the time.

On that basis I would say don’t do it. You don’t have to prove to him that you are nice. He won’t care.

Thank you, Bullseye, was thinking the same... if I were the other gender, what might I think? The sex was good and chemistry was fun but I could probably get similar and more respectful from other dates. Have left it.

Sorry I've only read your first post but I don't think it's his problem, I think it became your problem. when a man says they have commitment issues and can only offer you their manhood it really means they see no future with you and it's based purely on sex, in other words, what he can get out of you, as has been said, almost like a business transaction. You wanted more, he was never and is never going to give it to you, I am sorry to be brutal but his silence means he does not want any contact with you so why you are giving a flying fuck about his birthday is beyond me, I think you need to step right away and try and see it from an outside perspective, if you contact him again, you may get a shag but you will get absolutely nothing else.

He won't care OP if you are showing kindness, he will think you are desperate.

Thanks, Adora, I disagree. It hasn't become my problem, other than that he did want a friendship and that has not been forthcoming. He said he was scared of becoming attached, but that he wanted a friendship. I took that to mean that we might continue to email, meet up from time to time - not necessarily with sex. I made it clear that I did not want a relationship. I don't think I wanted any more or any less than he did.

I'm certainly not desperate! I just think it's a kind thing to do, to wish s/o a happy birthday if they have shared the amount of stuff he did, with me, over email. Looks like he had a change of opinion, and I accept that.

I think you are delusional OP, the man basically has frozen you out completely since getting a shag and you are insisting about you both being friends, you were never friends, he was only ever after a shag, he made that quite clear from the very start, if he wanted you as a friend why the NC?

It looks very much like you like him a lot and are desperate to give it one last try, every single person on here has given you excellent advice but I think, you'll still try and contact him, just be warned, you know the score!

Scared of becoming attached - who believes this bullshit nowadays, it's a load of crock OP.

No - I made my decision several posts ago not to contact him again.

I’ve had a few dates since him, so moved on. Noticed the date yesterday and had a giggle at how we played this game for me to work it out - which I did, before we met.

I’m not delusional, I can assure you! His emails setting out what he wanted from it don’t match what it turned into. To be fair, I was quite boundaries the day after and told him to email me only when he had something more creative to say because I was bored by some of the things he kept bringing up. Maybe I invited it, but I didn’t expect it to be the end of the friendship altogether. I wonder if he went out thinking I might turn out to be s/thing else and then he scared himself. He was the one who moved the friendship part on rapidly, and I set some boundaries. It’s not that I am insisting we are/we’re friends- this was the stuff that he brought up: can we be friends, how great this friendship is, how much in common, etc.

I am bored of thinking about it now, tbh!

You have barely known him five minutes so who cares about his birthday. Friendships take a lot longer than that to build up, years usually.

Move right on OP, you've given him far too much head space already.

I don’t think the time is the issue here. Online contact doesn’t always follow real time. The nature of the emailing & phoning period was such that he shared a lot of information with me and I would not get in the same way from face to face friendships. I disagree about friendships taking years. Friendships come in all sorts of time trajectories and levels of depth.

It must be hard to understand this interaction if you only read my first post. I moved on from this man ages ago, have had various dates & am currently dating someone new. I noticed my calendar and wondered whether it would be normal/not to send a birthday message. I rather like people remembering my birthday. I also wondered if he was setting me some sort of friendship test - he kind of has form for this, was quite mistrustful of his friendships - but it doesn’t sound like that and if he was, it’s not the right friendship for me.

Anyway, as I said - am happy to put this to rest now cos my head is hurting and I would rather be thinking about wine 😁 Thanks for your take on it

I shall bow out, as I don't think I am being helpful, just read every post, they are pretty much the same answer as mine.