Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sex after OLD & ghosting: show the other cheek or blank him?

79 replies

littlepill · 14/03/2018 05:39

A few moths ago, I met a guy online and we emailed for a few weeks. We hit it off straight away. He lived quite far but we met up, nice chemistry, he kissed me at the end of the date.

Over emails he explained he didn’t have the emotional capacity to get (emotionally) close to anyone, despite the obvious spark. However, he still wanted to meet again, which we did.

Great second date. It led to sex, which was fabulous. Spent night together, loads more sex. Given his emails, I kind of knew it was unlikely to lead to a relationship, but thought we might at least continue to be friends. I specifically asked him not to ghost me.

He continued to communicate for a few days after and then, guess what? Yup, no contact.

I’m over it - it’s his problem and not mine. I doubt there was anyone else. He was hardly ever on the site and his membership was coming to an end. I don’t think he blocked me, I think he was genuine. He did tell me about his problems with emotional intimacy and I still agreed to sex anyway. I am pretty detached, emotionally, myself.

My question is: it’s his birthday soon. During our emailing we had a lot of banter over when his birthday was, all jokey kind of stuff. Do I email a one liner to say HB, or shall I continue to ignore him?

I kind of want to show my kind side - “you have been a shit but hey, I still remembered your birthday”

but another part of me wants him to think he has lost the privilege of being in my headspace.

Maybe should mention I have ASD so get this stuff wrong all the time.

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 15/03/2018 17:49

The problem is you've known this guy for 2 dates , not a lot of time to assess if he is of good character or not .

If you haven't got the mental toughness to be ghosted after having sex with a (more or less) stranger then I defiantly advise you to put more time into getting to know a person before getting intimate and investing more emotionally . It will save you heartache in the long run.

littlepill · 15/03/2018 17:58

I’m not feeling any particular “heartache”. I was asking for advice on whether to email him or not to say HB. I met him for 2 dates, but we did spend a great deal of time discussing things before the first date and it sounded like we were set for a friendship. I really don’t mind that much. I understand these things happen with OLD and am more than happy to let it lie.

OP posts:
PrettyLittIeThing · 15/03/2018 18:00

Some men will tell you anything to get you into bed. Wise up op.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 15/03/2018 18:06

Clearly you are feeling pain / ego bruise otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here so I don't think you're being honest with yourself . It's normal to want to be contacted after sex , sex is intimate . Be more choosy next time

littlepill · 15/03/2018 18:07

No, no ego bruising. A bit sad at loss of friendship, but if you read my question and OP you will see I am over it. I have dated a few others since him and had some really lovely times! Smile

OP posts:
SuperSkyRocketing · 15/03/2018 18:10

Jellyheadbang is birthday anal a thing now?? Confused

That's another one to add to the list of the positives of being single...

littlepill · 15/03/2018 18:18

Was wondering this, too, re anal! Not happened to me yet, but ex always tried to make me believe everyone did it! Confused

OP posts:
Springiscoming123 · 15/03/2018 19:34

how can you have a friendship after 2 meetings

you met a guy months ago,had casual sex,he then lost interest and he has not initiated contact for ages and you wanted to contact himHmm

op you really dont know him and there is nothing to gain by contacting him

i think you need to wise up to OLD im afraid

EarlGreyPlea · 15/03/2018 20:56

“When someone tells you who they are, listen the first time” (props to the amazing Natalie of Baggage Reclaim for that one). He can’t be accused of misleading you as to his intentions. If you want to go with it, fine, but don’t try to turn it into something that he clearly doesn’t want.

littlepill · 15/03/2018 21:06

Hmm Please can you read my post properly? I am not questioning his behaviours, or the nature of the interaction. It was a lot of fun, we had great sex and neither of us wanted a relationship.

What I was asking was whether it was a good or bad idea to email/text him on his birthday.

Nobody was accusing anyone of misleading.

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 15/03/2018 22:05

So if you're so adamant you don't want a relationship with this man or care about his behaviours / reason he ghosted why would you give a shiny shit about wishing him happy birthday. You're deluded OP. Get help ......fast

louise5754 · 15/03/2018 22:05

If you had text him happy birthday would you have informed your new partner?

littlepill · 15/03/2018 22:30

I don’t have a new partner & don’t think it would be relevant.

No need to be rude, Fuckit I could be interested in a friendship. Not all sex has to lead to relationships.

OP posts:
unsurewhy · 15/03/2018 23:25

I don't know if perhaps it's your ASD and you want to know if it's within "normal" interaction to wish him HBD that's getting wires crossed?

Apologies if I'm wrong

I think to the rest of us it appears you're giving far too much headspace to someone you've moved on from - suggesting to us that actually you haven't moved on

Is it just that you want to know if it would be normal to do so in this situation?

If so... yeah lots of us would if we were still pining after him but it would go nowhere and be pointless

But no for your dignity sake - he's ghosted you and he honestly won't expect or care to be wished a happy birthday from a girl he went on 2 dates with so you shouldn't

littlepill · 15/03/2018 23:32

Yes, thank you, unsure that’s exactly it. You are right about ASD making my emphasis all wrong. I was asking what the outcome might be if I had emailed him vs. if I had not. I wonder if maybe I phrased my post wrong... In particular, I didn’t know if emailing would cause “his conscience to jolt” or if it would look stupid?! I would only be emailing out of kindness as I really had no intention of having sex with him again. At least I have my answer now!

Thank you for understanding. Helpful to think it through...

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 15/03/2018 23:35

didn't have the emotional capacity to be emotionally close

in other words, I am going to behave like a total tit, but expect you to feel sorry for me when I do it, because I am clearly a tortured soul.

Of course he had the emotional capacity to be close, he's a human being isn't he? He just doesn't want to use it because it's easier to get away with ONS that way.

littlepill · 15/03/2018 23:41

I did wonder about that statement, zaphod because I’ve been on the version of the receiving end from many an idiot! But this guy was very detached, emotionally, and seemed baffled by his inability to get close to anyone - family and friends, too. My hunch was that he really would be incapable of giving anyone (not just me) any emotional intimacy. It made me decide there & then not to get emotionally involved, and to treat it as ‘just sex’. It certainly made detaching easier. Hope he finds happiness, I feel sorry for him - there were a few other problems.

This thread has reminded me how far I’ve moved on, and what I learnt from the encounter. It was valuable, in a way.

OP posts:
unsurewhy · 15/03/2018 23:52

You wouldn't look any more stupid than plenty of women who were pining after him would look. In that respect it would be a perfectly normal human interaction.

But that's how he'd read it - that you were still interested and option for him when he feels like a shag

It won't jolt his conscience into raising his value for you, no.

MistressDeeCee · 16/03/2018 00:37

You want to say happy birthday to a man who ran off after sex with you? You somehow assume this man has a conscience?😮

  • All this over thinking and over-analysing about a man you barely know, and hasn't even bothered with you. It does sound as if he already told you he wasn't up for s relationship

I think you crave male company and are focusing on this man because of that. Why not be brutally honest about your reasoning. Then sit down make a list of what you want in a man/relationship. & don't deviate. At all. It's the only way.

It's pointless putting all this thought into a man who isn't even around. Move on.

louise5754 · 16/03/2018 13:43

I moved on from this man ages ago, have had various dates & am currently dating someone new.

Ok not "partner" the new man you're dating!!!

LesisMiserable · 16/03/2018 14:43

Methinks OP doth protest too much 😏

unsurewhy · 16/03/2018 14:50

OP has ASD... she's already explained, hence her emphasis is differing from the expected. Is there any need for her to keep being digged at?

Eric1964 · 16/03/2018 19:30

Hiya, @littlepill : one thing you'll have learnt from this is that, in an online forum, most respondents get the wrong end of the stick, especially as the discussion progresses.

Your responses are great, btw!

Unforgiven2018 · 17/03/2018 00:00

Agree above, it's a bit like Chinese whispers! I think 95% of posters have missed the fact that you mentioned your ASD very early on and I guess that must make you process this stuff differently, not being patronising!

From what you say I would honestly leave well alone and forget him. He treated you appallingly and showed no respect whatsoever. I would not give him the satisfaction of knowing you can even remember his name let alone his birth date. So bored of hearing about these guys who cannot commit emotionally etc, funny how it never affects their ability to have sex (emotionless sex) obviously. Not that anyone has the right to judge you for the sex, you said it was great and at the end of the day it is no one's business but yours.

I think you are worthy of so much more and I think you know that too. Good luck finding someone who will treat you the way you deserve.

LellyMcKelly · 17/03/2018 09:06

No, there’s no point. If he was interested in you in any way he’d have been in touch. Don’t waste your time even thinking about it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread