Need help leaving once and for all

[Dancetothebeat32]

As I type I am sat with my 2 year old shaking and crying, he has hit me for the last time today, I truly mean it. I am scrawling through women's aid and refuge, waiting for the police to arrive my other 2 children are still in bed I feel like such a failure to them for allowing this to go on for so long

It might be worth ringing the bank now and telling them so he can’t take your money out

You don't even need id at the bank I just had a situation where I lost my card and id and all the did was ask me some security questions and make me sign.

Oh should add that the maximum I could take out with no id was £50. (Per day)

I really am not letting him back, what I want to do is just leave the area but I haven't got the funds to go today, he has taken all the money, I've got £30 which will get me nowhere, I can't ring my family I will get no sympathy from them whatsoever, I should have stayed left last year but I was stupid and came back

He's wiped me out I need over £200 to get down there

I just don't understand what has happened to my life I truly don't, I have spent so long believing that it was all my fault.... so many times it's happened that it has become normality to me, it is normal for me to cover up bruises and make excuses that I don't even feel like I'm lying anymore.....I am just so hurt, he spat at me and threw a knife at me on Thursday night because I put noodles on his plate from the Chinese

It was literally a spoonful of noodles and he went beserk at me

You don't have to flee, you can stay where you are?

The main thing you need is a DV advisor. Get the police to put you in touch with one or ask the helpline when they ring back.

You're such a classic case, there is all sorts of help for you now, it will be amazing.

There I see also the Nat Ctr for DV and because you have a violent incident within 24 hours of ringing them, you could be in court tomorrow getting a non molestation order where he is precluded from contact or returning.

Also the social workers will be invaluable. They will engage with him over safe child contact for a start, so he doesn't hassle you, and they will ensure you remain away from him which in the early days of fear, egret and worry it's all too easy to listen to the soft wheedling voice.

Xxx

The NDVH have just ring me, they said that my local council will give me a travel permit to get to my family, or they can find me a refuge, I know that I can stay here if I choose I just really don't want to, I have nobody here anyway, there's just him and a couple of his family who he allows me to talk to, in all the time I've lived here I made 2 friendships which I couldn't maintain because he accused me of being a lesbian and having affairs with them, I just want to get away from him once and for all now

I just feel so inadequate I really do, this can not be my life anymore

He's rang, off a withheld number, I thought it was the NDVH phoning me back, wanting to know if we are definitely over, I've told him not to contact me again, I can't see him ringing or texting again until he's wasted

If you were to go to your family and say that you've left, you're sorry you allowed him to divide you in the past, do you think they would respond? Or are they pretty dysfunctional and unsupportive?

If not, please accept the offer of a refuge.

And don't answer any more withheld numbers.

I am 100% that she will help me, I just know she will take it with a pinch of salt until she actually sees me, I rang her last month and asked if I could go to her, she said yes not a problem. I'm going to ring her in the morning and have the family support worker help me with things and travel. I will tell my mum and dad once I'm sorted, my mum thinks I must enjoy getting battered or else I would leave, so she literally has no sympathy for me whatsoever, my dad wants me as far away from him as possible I kept so much away from everybody for years, this has been going on for 6 years and it's just getting worse

My family just think I will go back on my word and run back to him, something has changed in me today, I can't explain it but I know that what he did to me today has truly ended it...... every part of my body is aching and sore, I am mentally drained I do not want a lifetime of feeling this way, I have struggled so much with my mental health over the past 2 years, self harm, got admitted to hospital was under the mental health crisis team......so naturally I'm the fucking crazy bitch and nobody cares what happens to me or will believe what he does to me, he tells me to kill myself that everyone would be better off if I was dead

OP, Happy Mother's Day!

Stay strong, the first few days will be very difficult, but you have to stay strong. Try to write everything down for your own record. Reasons why you should not ever come back to him. You deserve much more and you do not want your children seeing you like that.

How old are your elder DC?

Thankyou
My eldest are 12 and 15 years old
They are brilliant kids, they are happy to do whatever I decide as long as it doesn't involve having him back in the house.
My family support worker has just rang me back to see how I am.
She isn't even on duty til Wednesday but wanted to make sure we were safe and that I wasn't going to allow him back through the door tonight, she is arranging for a social worker to come out to me tomorrow to help me with all this mess. I just know that the texts and the phone calls will start again I just really don't want him turning up causing trouble again when he's pissed out of his head, because that's what he does

It I see imperative that you either don't answer the call if you think it's him, or you hang up when it turns out to be him.

Otherwise you are encouraging him.....

And let the texts flood in. Watch for them. Count them even.

When the police and courts analyze your phone, if this ends up in court, you do not want to be seen texting him because his barrister will read it out in court making out you were as bad as him. Honestly. And they take money for doing that! But that's a seperate issue.

If he turns up at the door, ring 999 immediately and get into the bathroom with the kids and the locked door with 999 on the line if needs be. Don't engage with him at all. I worked with many who did, to shut him up, to stop him waking the neighbors, because they were afraid of what would happen if they did not, and without fail there was a further incident.

So no engagement from you but get the cops to come and nick him.

And a refuge probably would be the best idea.

Sweetheart it’s going to be ok, it truly is, you are showing such strength, stay focused, this will soon be behind you

@something2say thankyou some very sound points you have made there,
I understand exactly what you mean about engagement, he's not ran out of money yet and the pub is still open so I won't hear anything for the next couple of hours, I am upstairs in my room with my youngest and the other 2 are in my sons room playing x box together, the house is locked up and pretty much in darkness, just waiting on a food delivery to which I have instructed them to text when they are outside and I will quickly run and get it......I know that there is absolutely no going back from this, I'm ashamed to have allowed it for so long, thinking that things would change, and that I had to be better and change to make him happy, but nothing makes this man happy.... Just to hear my kids laughing in the next room together is nice, I'm usually holed up crying in secret somewhere while he calls me a fucking depressive soft arse....I just need to stay strong and remember exactly why I'm doing this, I've taken photos of my injuries just for me to look at and remind myself what a truly abhorrent man he is......How the words "I love you" can come out his mouth is just laughable

Just writing this down and re reading is helping me because I've just learned to minimalise the severity of abuse when it occurs, oh it's only spit in he face, that punch didn't hurt as much as the last, well maybe he is right and I was pushing him to it.....he has such a knack on turning the tables so he isn't the one at fault

Minimise, deny...twist and blame, all the classics x

That is exactly it, that's the most annoying thing about it all, I am not stupid I actually know deep down that this was only going to end one way, how can you have a happy every after with a man who emotionally and physically abused you for years ????? I'm literally jumping at every noise and bang, I am on pins waiting for it to kick off, I just really hope he is too drunk to bother causing bother tonight, and if he does I'm just going to phone the police

@Notwhatthedogsaid thankyou, kids are fed and content tonight, they understand situation, as much as I try to keep things from them they are fully aware of what has been happening

Keep writing it down OP, it will help you get stronger and it will also make you come to term that it's not the way you want your life for the next 6 months, one year or five years.

Talk to your DC, they are at the age that they are aware of what is going on and may be bottling it - YOU need to leave and stop putting yourself in danger. People can snap and before you know it, it's too late.

You will heal and you will get stronger.