I'm never ever going to be able to get naked....or even put on a bikini :( in front of him....

[Minimeandcake]

I have been seeing a guy for 4 months. Before this I have been single for a very long time (married and divorced 5 years ago, 3dc's). Dated lots but not made it past the bedroom stage. Always thought it was because of how I looked without clothes.
I am trying to be more confident.....
As we are becoming more comfortable with eachother, it's at that stage where I feel anxious. I am a size 16 (A wobbly size 16), my boobs are yuck and my tummy is just, well, quite ugly. In clothes, I am comfortable and able to hide it.
I am becoming more and more embarrassed by my behaviour as I am overly conscious (lights out, lock the bathroom door, not getting completely naked, dressing in the bathroom), even when he cuddles me, I freeze a little.
This is even embarrassing typing it out.
Anyway, he talks about weekends away and even going on holiday. All the things I have wanted to do. The thing is, I just can't, it fills me with such dread and fear to the point I want to end it. I think, maybe being single is easier. I feel sad that I have done this to my body and now unable to be comfortable because of it.

That’s so sad minime - you deserve a loving relationship whatever your body looks like. It sounds like you are very similar to me - I have the classic ‘mum tum’ overhang after 3 DCs and lots of stretch marks. I was also very self conscious when I first started dating after divorce, but luckily I met someone who himself had struggled with weight gain/loss and understood my hesitance to get naked. I just wore camisole tops and vests etc to keep me covered and used candles instead of bright lights to keep things dark and romantic! But once I felt more comfortable with him I was able to be naked without feeling judged.

Sadly I’m single again now and will have to run the gauntlet of getting naked in front of a new guy again at some point, but I’ve learned to love the softness of my body, accepted my stretch marks for what they are - a sign of bringing my kids into the world - and feel a lot happier in myself these days. Any man who is put off by my jiggly tummy or less than perky boobs doesn’t deserve me. Same for you. You need to believe that he is lucky to get you in the sack!

Maybe try some self-care techniques, being grateful for what your body can do, taking good care of yourself with walking and yoga to make you feel connected to the world, then have a look at some sexy undies for larger women like Curvy Kate and see that a bit of a belly isn’t the end of the world when you have the confidence to carry it off.

I'm a wobbly size 14, I hate my stomach with a passion, and I am ALWAYS absolutely terrified of getting naked for the first time with men, but it has always, always been fine.

If you are really unahappy with the way you look, is there any chance you could start doing a few exercises to boost your confidence?
There are hundreds of apps, videos, programmes out there for exercising at home if you can't join the gym/get out?

And there are tankinis for holidays ...

I don't know if anyone is 100% confident in their bodies, but if this guy likes you, he will like everything

Yes good point - tankini so you can roll it up and get some sunshine on your bod when you’re lying down! I got one of these but also bikinis with big knickers for a 50s style. I remember being by the pool once and looking round at all the older chunkier ladies looking so relaxed in their bikinis. Next to me was a young gorgeous slim woman who was getting changed and looked so self conscious - it didn’t matter that she had a great figure as she didn’t have the confidence to stand up straight and show it off. Really made me think. From then on I happily wore a bikini on holiday.

Please don't throw away possible happiness over this OP, that would be such a waste. If you like this guy and he likes you, its worth trying to work through it. I would urge you to be honest and say that you have some body confidence issues so want to start slowly - if he is decent he will understand that! He clearly likes you a lot and I would bet your body is not as bad as you think it is. I am a 12/14 and have 4 children - just started a new relationship. I am not perfect but my goodness, i feel like a goddess with a man who is clearly very into me, wobbles and all. Please don't deny yourself that chance

This is very sad :-( A size 16 isnt that big its average sized for the UK! Just go for it like taking off a plaster. Just get fully naked and see what happens because as you say you are thinking of ending it because its making you so stressed... so what do you have to lose? You cant go on like that. Just do it and I bet you that the reaction wont be negative. If hes been with you for months he obviously likes you. Men dont have as high a standards for womens bodies as we do ourselves you know..... most men will just be extremely happy they got a woman naked and interested in having sex with them... they wont be staring at all your flaws thinking 'oh shes not good enough' they will just be excited to have got you undressed!

To be honest its always like this after being single for some time. The last time I was single for a long time I was in my early twenties and a size 8 and I still felt the same as you. I was terrified of getting naked. Its actually not based in reality at all. He knows what size you are from looking at you hes not going to expect that when you take your clothes off you turn into a supermodel.

Dont waste your life and your relationship worrying about this because once you get through the initial action it will all be fine. Just give him a chance and trust him.

Dont spend your life wishing you had a different body when you could be having a great time with a man who wants to be with you doing fun stuff now!

I went on a course yesterday professional people reckon about two thirds of the women size 16 plus. It's the new normal it seems.

MyRelationshipIsWeird - thankyou. Yes, it is very sad. It really gets me down. I thought by now I would feel more confident but I don't. I'm not sure I ever will. I'm glad you found that inner confidence. I'm sure you will again. You sound really positive. I do think alot of women are a little self conscious, whatever their size.
I could possibly try losing some weight and then seeing how I feel.
Vixnixtrix1981 - Thankyou. Yes, I have started to exercise more but my body has been so stretched, it's so ugly. I have tried on a tankini and I still look rather awful. Hopefully, if I can lose some weight, they may appear to look nicer on.
In the mean time, I feel silly. Last weekend, he jokingly (not really joking), asked if he could join me in the shower. I was horrified. Felt so silly for making up excuses. Men want confidence. I'm absolutely rubbish at that. I'm always going to be making up excuses :(

None of my boyfriends/husband have cared when I've lost weight or gained weight. It's all in my mind (unless you're either extreme) and I know I'm more confident and happier and enjoy things more if I'm happyish with what I weigh.

If you were to lose a size you'd probably be a lot more confident and that's easy to do. Have you looked at the body coach? He does meal and exercise plans that are easy to do and everybody has lost weight and gotten healthier and fitter doing it. Just takes a bit of prep. Join Facebook page A big girls journey to lean.

I am a size 16 and I felt awful thinking how bad I would look when I met someone new. We went to the beach on the second date (Australia!) and I felt incredibly self conscious in my bikini. He didn't bat an eyelid and seemed tone fairly enthusiastic to take my clothes off the next time we met!
I know it is hard. But he knows you are not a waif and he wants you. Don't let your brain get in the way of something lovely x

I was the same. I had three children by c section before I met my partner and was really lacking in confidence as I had the stomach " overhang" and stretch marks and had gone up three dress sizes.
My partner finds me very attractive and is so loving, I feel ok about being naked in front of him. We both have flaws on our bodies but I honestly don't think we see them. We just enjoy sex and find each other sexy. I will never be 100% happy with my body and I've accepted it will never be perfect.
No one needs a perfect body to deserve a fulfilling relationship and self confidence.

QueenofallIsee - that's lovely :) happy for you. It's all so scary starting again. Thankyou for posting.
windchimesabotage oh gosh! I wish I could do that. I really like him now. It's like I'm becoming more anxious because of that. I was thinking, should I tell him. Then I think, he will know and I am aware he will know when I'm actually avoiding.
We are supposed to be going away Easter weekend. I'm trying so hard but the longer it goes on the worse I feel. I do tell myself, he can judge my size but honestly my clothes hide it well. Very well.
Size 16 is definitely average. I'm not mocking size, honestly. It's me, it's my body.

Are you close enough with him to just let him know you are lacking a bit of confidence? Not a woe me but just let him know where you are at right now. See what he says, I bet he will say something lovely and make you feel great!!!

In the mean time, if you aren't going to embrace it then change it! If you just cannot feel confident with how you are then do something about it. Even just losing a bit of weight (even just half a stone) does wonders for confidence!

I’m the same about my body. I’m a size 14 but quite tall so I don’t look too big, but my issue is my thighs. They always look wobbly and big no matter what I do. I’ve tried running, spin classes, doing loads of squats every day, eating a very healthy diet etc but they just look awful even if the rest of my body looks ok. I also have a lot of stretch marks and cellulite on them.
I know my body isn’t my OH’s dream body on a woman, but I still try and act as confident as possible during sex and we have a great time. I think he finds the confidence sexy and it makes the parts of my body that I’m self conscious about less obvious. If I was constantly trying to hide them and telling him not to look and turning the lights off etc it would draw more attention to them. I’m sure he thinks you are fabulous and can see past a few wobbly bits. If he bases his whole attraction to you on whether you have a great pair of boobs or a flat stomach then he’s not the sort of man you want to end up with long term

Honestly I don't even think bikinis are that much in fashion anymore. Everyone I know even the really slim ones wear swim suits you can get some really nice ones now (cut out ones) that look similar to bikinis but with more coverage. I bet he thinks you look great anyway as he wouldn't be with you if he didn't like what he sees. And as others said I don't even think size 16 is big.

Also there are ways to cover up a bit when on a beach holiday but still look good. You could get a flattering all in one costume that sucks Your stomach in a bit and gives you a good cleavage. Plus a wrap around sarong thing to cover your thighs a bit when walking around. I’m sure you don’t look anywhere near as bad as you think you do though, we can often be our own worst critics and think we look awful when we really don’t to others

Have any of you seen the trailer for the new film, I Feel Pretty?

The lead charachter is a size 16 and feels down about herself and she has a head injury and is suddenly filled confidence about herself. She looks awesome.

Being a 14-16 most certainly doesn't mean unattractive and confidence in yourself is so attractive in itself.

Trailer for you

As for the bikini.....Watch the bikini bit in the trailer.

Oh thankyou everyone :) you have all been so lovely. I actually was so upset I cancelled seeing him tomorrow. I feel I am pushing him away by acting like a headache.
I'm really going to try to lose some weight, build some confidence. When I was single, I didn't have any anxieties. I don't know if I can possibly tell him. Mayb I will try.
There are so many cover up beach wear. I really am as bad as explaining. I even have stretch marks on my boobs and inner arms.
That film :) looks so funny. I love her. She looks absolutely amazing, size 16. I would get completely naked if I were her too.

I'm a VERY wobbly 18/20 with a younger and much more attractive than me partner (not a boast or me putting myself down- it's often commented on) I felt exactly the same- but slowly, I am getting better. I still cant be naked walking around- but I have got to underwear - i set myself little challenges- so swimming and don't hold the towel around me to hide, walk from bedroom to bathroom in underwear. slowly, you start to get a little bit more confident.

Also, I’m assuming you have sex with him so even if you’re not walking around the room naked and turning all the lights on during it he must still be able to feel your wobbly bits and has a very good idea of your size and shape. If he thought it was unappealing then he’d not still
Be dating you after 4 months. A lot of men actually prefer curves and I once dated a guy who said my wobbly big cellulite covered thighs were the sexiest part of me to him

Confidence is the sexiest thing... Most people have some hang ups, and this guy is obviously more than happy with you OP, he wants you... Wobbly bits and all.
But it might help your self confidence to tone up... So rather than feeling you need to lose weight why not start some exercise or other physical type hobby with the aim to make you feel more body confident for you.

Maybe a simple class... Water aerobics or start 0-5k running, I did burlesque classes.. Brilliant fun, made me walk better, stand better and wiggle a little for my dp! My body confidence sky rocketed... The beginners classes didn't involve removing any clothes either... You could try that or belly dancing? Same idea that all femininity is to be celebrated

Oh and I have stretch marks on inner thighs and boobs and I am a size 12.. There are hormone related

Stretch marks can be pretty extreme, it's true.

You're going to have to be honest with him or he'll think you just don't like him. Think about his feelings too! (Maybe guilt about messing him about would outweigh your anxiety?!)

Your DP is with you because he likes you, he chose you. Try to hold onto that thought, and hopefully it will erase some of the negative thoughts

OP does your boyfriend have a perfect body - flat stomach, muscles in the right places, flawless skin, firm bum etc? I very much doubt it. And is that a problem for you, or do you just find him attractive because he's him, and you like him, and he makes you smile etc?

My boyfriend is overweight - not obese but overweight - and if he stood next to the Chippendales I think he'd look distinctly un-gorgeous! But to me he's lovely and sexy, because I love him and he makes me happy. I expect your boyfriend feels the same way about you.

I would suggest you speak to him about your insecurities, because otherwise there's a danger he'll think you don't want him around. I'm sure he'll be able to reassure you.