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Original poster

I'm never ever going to be able to get naked....or even put on a bikini :( in front of him....

88 replies

Minimeandcake · 07/03/2018 09:19

I have been seeing a guy for 4 months. Before this I have been single for a very long time (married and divorced 5 years ago, 3dc's). Dated lots but not made it past the bedroom stage. Always thought it was because of how I looked without clothes.
I am trying to be more confident.....
As we are becoming more comfortable with eachother, it's at that stage where I feel anxious. I am a size 16 (A wobbly size 16), my boobs are yuck and my tummy is just, well, quite ugly. In clothes, I am comfortable and able to hide it.
I am becoming more and more embarrassed by my behaviour as I am overly conscious (lights out, lock the bathroom door, not getting completely naked, dressing in the bathroom), even when he cuddles me, I freeze a little.
This is even embarrassing typing it out.
Anyway, he talks about weekends away and even going on holiday. All the things I have wanted to do. The thing is, I just can't, it fills me with such dread and fear to the point I want to end it. I think, maybe being single is easier. I feel sad that I have done this to my body and now unable to be comfortable because of it.

OP posts:
TheSnootiestFox · 08/03/2018 15:13

I'm with you soso.

I keep telling myself that I got it wrong and he's just one bloke and I'm worth far more. But I know that it would be the same with anyone so therefore as a woman I'm worthless because I'll never look good in a bikini again. How's that for screwed up? Smile

ravenmum · 08/03/2018 15:22

Really, Fox, he could have hidden his "disappointment", and dumping by text is a cowardly, crap thing to do. No wonder you feel bad, but it is in large part due to his dismal character and resulting poor treatment of you. Ugh. I can understand that sort of thing in a teenager, but adults should have their act together better. Harness your rage!

I do agree that looks make a difference. I used to have a very high-bridged, narrow nose that prompted similar idiots to shout abuse or hilarious jokes at me throughout my life. Got it "done" a few years ago for medical reasons and I get a very different reception now, though I'm still not a real looker. Also, I'm slim enough for the more shallow men to admit to me that they don't like big women :(

But I have so many big friends with loving husbands of various shapes and sizes. And even with my big nose I was married for 20 years to a very decent-looking man who kindly passed on some key nice-nose genes to the kids :)

Maybe drink more wine? :)

ravenmum · 08/03/2018 15:22

(I've never worn a bikini. What's the obsession with bikinis?!)

TheSnootiestFox · 08/03/2018 15:28

Thanks raven Smile but I'd really like to be loved, not drunk Grin xxx

ravenmum · 08/03/2018 16:06

The one does not exclude the other :)

I know what it is like to be crushed by people's nasty comments, and take them to heart. I had some bad experiences at about age 20 that really took it out of me. Had therapy after my marriage broke up, and talked about those experiences I'd obsessed about all my life, and it has somehow, magically laid the ghosts to rest.

UserSnoozer · 08/03/2018 16:16

(not read whole thread)

2 things.
One, if you're not comfortable, have u tried losing weight?
Two, if he wasn't attracted to you, he wouldn't have been with you for 4 months and wanting to plan trips with u. He liked u for who u are. Hes not got in your pants and it's been 4 months. Sounds like a gooden to me, and they're rare. He likes u. Just take he plunge, what's the worst that can happen

PJsAndABlanketOnTheSofa · 08/03/2018 16:20

Not all men consider it a privilege to be with a naked woman or whatever

Oh I completely agree. I've had men tell me.outrigt (wjen I was lighter than I am now) that I need to lose weight.

I've also been dumped when they saw what I actually looked like naked...

I don't believe the "a man will just be grateful to get you naked" thing either and, until this recen man, I'd only ever had bad experiences of 'being confident' too.

But it only takes one person to not he like that. If you're brave, you might find out he's not that person but you might find out he is.

Either way, it's a pretty crappy feeling hiding yourself away in your relationship.

And I've done that enough times too!

Coyoacan · 08/03/2018 16:23

So many people suffering with their body image, OP. My dd was telling me yesterday about her absolutely gorgeous boyfriend thinking he is ugly. I too have always considered myself unattractive but when I look back at photos they belie this.

Your boyfriend isn't a fool, he knows what size you are and hasn't been put off. Not everyone is attracted to skinny. The only reason you should lose weight and tone up is for yourself and your own wellbeing.

And if you decide to lose weight, don't go on a particular diet, just try to eat unprocessed food as much as possible and always stop eating before you feel you are full.

Vixnixtrix1981 · 08/03/2018 16:23

Oh my God, @TheSnootistFox that is genuinely awful. But I would say that is unusual and please, please, please don't say never again!
I'd like to meet this man and punch him square in the face and knee him in the goolies too! Idiot ...
But big hugs to you xx

TheSnootiestFox · 08/03/2018 17:08

It's not unusual though is it? Although thanks for the hugs everyone Flowers

When I was young and genuinely gorgeous, it was just as bad. I remember being dumped because I didn't do my bikini line in a certain way once. I've always been expected to be perfect and now I'm a middle aged mother of two it's sooooo wearing.

I'm always told I go for the wrong type of men, but there's never been any type to speak of. Most men want a pretty face and a decent body and if you can't provide either then there's plenty more over your shoulder for them to choose from and I really envy anyone who can think otherwise Confused

LavenderDoll · 08/03/2018 17:12

Right
I'm a wobbly 16/18
Even in clothes it's obvious that I'm a wobbly 16/18 and my tummy is awful. But he will know what size you roughly from seeing you dressed and I don't think he will care a jot if your tummy wobbles or there is some cellulite or stretching
You can still be larger and sexy and attractive.
I used to hate my body- wouldn't let DH see me naked
Then I found a couple of women on Instagram who embraced their curves who dressed and looked how I wanted to look and I think it empowered me to accept me the way I am...

Oblomov18 · 08/03/2018 17:16

That film looks really funny.

Please don't worry op. I don't think most men care!! Dh says he doesn't! And I been slightly bigger and slightly smaller throughout our marriage.

ravenmum · 08/03/2018 17:35

Was just listening to this podcast from Radio 4 www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0605plt - Replace the word "bald" with "overweight" and it is exactly the same conversation ...

Bouledeneige · 08/03/2018 17:38

All sympathy to you OP and snootiest. I know how you feel. I'm a very wobbly size 16 (without shapely big boobs or a waist - more lumpy apple shape) and because of that I don't bother dating anymore because I can't take the rejection. A lot of guys do care and only want 'slim girls' or ones that are an improvement on their normal sized ex wife. Sure not all guys are like that but that's how I feel about the online dating supermarket. There always might be something better... and hotter.

In your case OP - he's with you and wants to go away for weekends and holidays so I think you should take comfort from that. He does find you attractive and sexy so take that as a real confidence boost. Wear whatever makes you feel comfortable and enjoy it. You can get lots of pretty sarongs and over shirts and beaches things to pop over the top. Just make sure you get things you think are really pretty and make you feel comfortable.

Mishappening · 08/03/2018 17:43

The reality is that men don't actually like the stick thin look - they like something to sink into and feel warm - I am sure this man is very happy with your body - every inch of it!

TheSnootiestFox · 08/03/2018 17:55

High fives snowball

And look, I can even speak French and still my calf size matters Grin

Basseting · 08/03/2018 18:08

I have been a size 8 and a size 18. I never felt good at either.
There are some real wankers out there.
BUT you wont know if this guy is a keeper until you try.
It is very hard I know.x

Wilma55 · 08/03/2018 18:08

When you're alone with him you're the sexiest woman in the room.

PJsAndABlanketOnTheSofa · 08/03/2018 19:18

Most men want a pretty face and a decent body and if you can't provide either then there's plenty more over your shoulder for them to choose from and I really envy anyone who can think otherwise

My boyfriend is autistic. It's not always an easy ride... but it does have its benefits - he's completely faithful, loyal, doesn't look at other women, doesn't use porn, doesn't care what size I am...

He would be completely flumouxed if I were self conscious around him because he loves me and fancies me and, of course, I know that... so why would I worry? It just wouldn't make sense to him.

It's actually quite liberating, actually!

Coyoacan · 08/03/2018 19:38

I'm always told I go for the wrong type of men, but there's never been any type to speak of. Most men want a pretty face and a decent body and if you can't provide either then there's plenty more over your shoulder for them to choose from and I really envy anyone who can think otherwise

But you do. All the nicest men I know are with very plain looking women probably because there are lots of different tastes in looks and a lot of people can see past the outward veneer. My dd is slim and generally considered beautiful and has absolutely no luck with men.

lottieandmia22 · 08/03/2018 22:34

Yes can I just say that being good looking really isn't a ticket to a great relationship. I'm considered good looking but I've had some horrible relationships with men who wanted to keep me in my place, put me down etc.

Follyfoot · 08/03/2018 23:27

Most men want a pretty face and a decent body and if you can't provide either then there's plenty more over your shoulder for them to choose from and I really envy anyone who can think otherwise

See, I fundamentally disagree with this. I went back to dating in my late 30s with a bit of flab and having had 3rd degree tears from a ventouse which left me with some scars. I've also got a large visible scar elsewhere. No-one I've been out with during this time has ever made a single comment about any of that or dumped me because of it. If someone is finding that happening time after time, then they are going out with a certain sort of man, and that certain sort is in the minority.

Lots of friends have gone back to dating a bit later in life and they've all said the same. OP, from everything you have said about him, he wont judge your body. Maybe tell him how you are feeling, he might be feeling the same too?

NotTheFordType · 09/03/2018 22:49

If it helps, I recently had someone turn up at my door who then said "Sorry, I wasnt expecting you to look like your pictures" Hmm

This was before the removal of any clothes!

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 09/03/2018 23:06

He said he wanted to be in the shower with you !! That says it all .

GameChanger01 · 10/03/2018 07:17

They don't like stick thin but they don't like big and wobbly either. I don't agree with men feel grateful opinion either, especially OLD men. A lot of men are so entitled that they are often older, balding, podgy stomach and still demanding much younger women with thinner and tighter bodies. The amount of men who demand full body pictures before meeting too is also funny. I think on the whole most are very visual and shallow especially in the dating world.

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