Sexual first date now, loss of interest :(

[1stdatejiggyness]

I had an amazing first date with a guy I met on OLD at the weekend. we'd been messaging and speaking almost daily for a week before.
We had so much in common culturally, academically and we really hit it off.
He paid for a lovely expensive meal and I did offer. He didn't want the night to end so took me to a bar till the early hours.

He was very flirty and touchy-feely all night. So, one thing lead to another and things happened in his car. ..we didn't go all the way.

Since that night, he doesn't call and hardly messages. I guess he got what he wanted but I'm shocked! I guess he thought I must not be worth calling again after that.... even though he initiated everything. I didn't throw myself at him.

I'll be honest, I have a high sex drive so when I meet a guy and there's sexual chemistry, I just can't wait but when they don't call again, it pisses me off.... I'm sure many will think "what do you expect"?

Sorry, dunno if I'm asking opinions or just venting but I dunno what to do now. I can't deal with one message a day from someone I really liked. So now what?

Not the idea that every one you date to be a long term success must be rigidly in line with your views for life on everything must surely mean that you consider yourself to be a fully developed person right now who will never change their mind, learn anything new or evolve any further. Really?

MN has literally lost it.

Never seen that Disney film but it sounds intriguing! 😂

My first ever MN 'love' too. 17 years on MN and I've been patronised for being happy a few times but never been given a 'love'. This makes me smile 😍

But yes. Not all casual sex is bad. We're not quite robots yet. And we don't have to get a dowry off our dads anymore yipee!

....ooookkk. didn't mean to cause so much uproar! I welcome everyone's opinions. I'm not sure everyone's opinion is respected on here though.
Update.... So, he just messaged me after 2 days of silence with "ermmmm...".. and just that. That's all he's written. I guess as if to say, why are you not replying!
I'm finding it hard to ignore that! What is that all about? I'm planning on telling him I didn't think he was interested so I just let him be??
At least I might get some kind of answer. I know I shouldn't care but I do.

Have you actually been making effort to contact him? Maybe he's thinking you lost interest aswell?

I wish you could screenshot messages here! Thislittlekitty, i slowed down communication after I noticed I was doing more of the calling and messaging after the date. He literally didn't reply for 24 hours, whereas before, he would reply within minutes.

Oh right I see well that makes sense. I wouldn't bother with someone if it took them that long to reply.

He's just not into you. If he was he would have contacted you again. Men often say stuff just because they think it's what the woman wants to hear, rather than be truthful (and potentially hurtful) and say "nah, I don't want to see you again". Nothing to do with his small dinkle, he just doesn't fancy you that much.

I very much agree with the poster who said that if a man is interested then he'll remain interested regardless of when you have sex. I also strongly agree that anyone who loses interest in a woman just because she likes sex is a pig best left far behind you. I've been in relationships where I waited as long as 3 months before having sex and those men did not treat me with any more respect than any of my other shitty exs. My dp (who is also the father of my children and the love of my life) and I had sex on our second date, which was within 24 hours of our first date. I never for one second doubted that he would remain interested, and he has never been anything but the kindest most loving honest man I know. So if this guy is judging you about the sex then he's an asshole and you've done nothing wrong.

I'll tell you one thing that really bugs me though, is men who act like they want a ltr to get one night stands. I have no problem with ons, and had plenty before meeting dp. If a guy is cards on the table about it then great! We can have some sex, no hurt feelings. But when men lie and act like they're really into you, because they think it's the only way into your pants, and don't care if they hurt you, that's really shitty.

Finally, I dared a guy with a really small penis for a while. That's not why I dumped him, but it definitely contributed. Maybe that's shallow but the truth was the sex was bad! I don't think I could be long term with anyone the sex was bad with (and I've also had plenty of bad sex with people who were so large that it hurt, and people who were normal sized but just plain lazy in bed). So I don't think you're unreasonable to factor sexual compatibility into your decisions about a relationship either. Though I doubt he knows how small he is - my ex with the really small penis constantly went on about how big he thought he was! I obviously said nothing....

@NotTakenUsername

What a patronising response. Funnily enough I didn't have any of the points you mention at the front of my mind at that point.

Do you insist on a C.V before engaging in sexual activity.

I suggest you read posts properly before clutching your pearls and peering down your nose.

We've been together 4 years. Pretty sure we've covered most topics of conversation.

Nordicnobody, I think you are one of the few here that fully understand where I am coming from. I always ask quite soon what they are looking for. Some have said nothing serious just fun but this one may have lied. In fact, looking back, I think he literally repeated what I said I was seeking in a relationship. That should've been an indicator that he hadn't even thought up his own requirements.
For the record people, If he stayed as keen as he was before our encounter, I wouldn't have wanted out of the relationship because of his small willy! No way! If he was perfect in every single way, I certainly would have grown to work with it!
I probably should've mentioned as well that he was uncomfortably forceful with me in his car. I was about to tell him to stop but then he did after a few seconds. So he was a bit rough. I thought that was pretty bad but I guess he got a bit carried away. Either way, I didn't like his aggressive style of sex. that also put me off.

...it did make me think about sexual assault and when it becomes assault.... because if he carried on forcing himself on me and I didn't have the confidence to say stop, I guess I couldn't even complain or accuse him of anything. It would have to be just considered a horrible experience. Especially as it started off consensual.
I guess that's another reason for getting to know someone a bit better.

Small? Oh dear. You lost me there OP.

Maybe he's old fashioned and likes the chase?

"things happened in his car. ..we didn't go all the way."

I'm a bit confused. So you didn't actually have sex, then?

So what did you do?

1st date - just reading your last comment there. I think you definitely need to bin this guy. If there was a blurring of assault/not then he has definitely gone past nor5nak and acceptable behaviour.
The texting/not is the smaller picture here. He is not worth it at all

(normal) not nor5nak!

You haven’t said anything about him so far that make me think he’s worth even thinking about for another second.

I hope you know his views in parenting and equality and managing the family finances and education preferences. And I hope on hope that you had the happy coincidence that these all match up and compliment your own, because one date (or zero dates in your case) will not tell you that.

Are you for real NotTaken? You ‘hope on hope’ that Maiden has discussed finances and parenting and all the rest with her partner of four years who she’s about to marry?

Do you really think people who sleep together on a first date just go on to spend the next few years in a hedonistic boink-fest and forget to actually have any conversation before they decide to get married?

WHOA. HANG ON.

We've gone from I had an amazing first date to he was uncomfortably forceful with me in his car. I was about to tell him to stop but then he did after a few seconds. So he was a bit rough. I thought that was pretty bad but I guess he got a bit carried away. Either way, I didn't like his aggressive style of sex. that also put me off

If that put you off, then why the hell are you on here disappointed about his now lack of interest????

There is confirmation bias there though isn’t there, Frieda.

If you want to call it that. But the way I see it is, I don’t want to be with a man who judges me negatively for doing something that he himself was also presumably very happy to do. I find that outdated and sexist. But different people have different values and expectations and that’s fine.

Personally I find the idea of waiting an arbitrary number of dates odd, if the argument is that you need to ‘know’ the person well first. How much better do you really know someone after six or ten more dates? I see sex as all part of getting to know someone and finding out whether we’re compatible. That doesn’t mean I sleep with every guy on the first date, but I’m not opposed to it if it feels right. Again, other people have different feelings on that and that’s fine!

But bringing Women’s Aid into it is disgusting and a cheap shot. I doubt there are many abused women who feel that they would have been able to avoid that situation if only they hadn’t slept with him on the first date. Abuse normally develops slowly, sometimes over many years, as the abuser gradually gains your trust. For what it’s worth, I waited a while to sleep with my ex for the first time and it didn’t stop him turning into an abusive shitbag after a few years.

wow! So we’re you lying at the start or are you lying now OP?

I'm getting a feeling that op said that because he wasn't interested.... It's a massive drip feed. Infact it's not even a drip feed amazing date to sexually assaulted.

Kitty I think it's more than a drip feed but I don't want to get told off for hunting....

I considered that too, but sometimes even after something has happened that makes you uncomfortable you can dress it up more favourably as a coping mechanism.

Op isn’t saying she was assaulted, she’s saying his style was forceful and not to her taste and asking if it had continued ^would* it be classed as assault?

It sounds like op has very low self esteem, is looking for a relationship at any cost, and is actually not setting any personal boundaries. This is not uncommon - “if someone wants me then I must have worth” instead of, “I am worthy. Full-stop.”

If the only criteria is that a potential partner is interested in you, you are opening yourself up to be taken advantage of. If you have a set of sensible criteria they need to meet (e.g. using respectful language, doesn’t allude to sex before even meeting you) then you can sift out a few assholes and improve your chances a bit.