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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexual first date now, loss of interest :(

126 replies

1stdatejiggyness · 06/03/2018 21:36

I had an amazing first date with a guy I met on OLD at the weekend. we'd been messaging and speaking almost daily for a week before.
We had so much in common culturally, academically and we really hit it off.
He paid for a lovely expensive meal and I did offer. He didn't want the night to end so took me to a bar till the early hours.

He was very flirty and touchy-feely all night. So, one thing lead to another and things happened in his car. ..we didn't go all the way.

Since that night, he doesn't call and hardly messages. I guess he got what he wanted but I'm shocked! I guess he thought I must not be worth calling again after that.... even though he initiated everything. I didn't throw myself at him.

I'll be honest, I have a high sex drive so when I meet a guy and there's sexual chemistry, I just can't wait but when they don't call again, it pisses me off.... I'm sure many will think "what do you expect"?

Sorry, dunno if I'm asking opinions or just venting but I dunno what to do now. I can't deal with one message a day from someone I really liked. So now what?

OP posts:
NearlyThirtyDad · 07/03/2018 21:39

To be fair OP it hasn't even been a week yet is it possible your expecting too much too soon from him ? Especially as a lot of people are more busy during the week ? If he has lost interest because of your ......."encounter" then PP is right at least you can say well I had fun and I won't waste anymore time.

ThisLittleKitty · 07/03/2018 21:42

If I slept with someone then didn't hear from them for almost a week I definitely wouldn't be interested. No one is that busy that they can't send a quick text so I disagree with nearly, especially as he was contacting you frequently before hand. Atleast you had a good time op so try to forget about him.

NearlyThirtyDad · 07/03/2018 21:50

I'd agree @ThisLittleKitty except she has said that he has been messaging just not frequently and we have no idea what frequently means it this situation.

NotTakenUsername · 07/03/2018 22:01

If a man was trying it on with me on the first date there would be no chance for a second date. Imagine how many first dates he will have had. Ugh, that tells me plenty about how he views ‘intimacy’.

Original poster
1stdatejiggyness · 07/03/2018 22:25

You're so right notakenusername.. I should really see that as a sign of how it's likely to end. I'll be honest, it starts, getting sexual, pretty much the second day of talking and messaging.... Always initiated by the guy...
Like now, I'm messaging someone about a new TV I've had installed and he's written, "well, can't wait to come and see it"!!! Like, wtf?! He'll probably say it was a joke but it's put me off. Probably turn out like the last... Right guys??
Not judging but he's 40, no kids and lives with his parents! I'm in my early 30s.

OP posts:
Original poster
1stdatejiggyness · 07/03/2018 22:31

Because I started off OLD on Tinder, I guess I don't know any better. I've been single a year and I was with my ex from secondary school. So I really thought all men bring up sex pretty early on in conversation and that's just how it is. Whether seeking long term or a hook up.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 07/03/2018 22:33

You have to not kiss a lot of frogs to find a respectable man. Some of them (especially on OLD) are very easy and shallow.

frieda909 · 07/03/2018 22:44

Lots of men will judge you, lose respect for you and/or lose interest if you sleep with them on the first date.

Luckily for me, men with such views are not the men I want to have a serious relationship with anyway, so that’s fine by me!

Personally I subscribe to the view that if a man is the right one, he’ll want to be with me whether I sleep with him on the first date or ‘make him wait’ for whatever the MN-approved number of dates is.

That said, if you sleep with someone on the first date it’s best to do so with no expectations of what might happen afterwards, beyond common courtesy. I don’t think it’s fair to sleep with someone and then complain that they ‘just wanted sex’ because, well, presumably you wanted that too! So just have fun and don’t expect too much so early on.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 08/03/2018 01:52

So men have sex on a first date because they have something to prove to themselves?

But women are just being empowered?

Ultimately nobody is duty bound to want to see or speak to someone beyond a first date regardless of whether sex is involved or not. But you have to consider what sort of image you want to portray. I certainly wouldn't be considering someone who pretty much shags in a car on a first date to be someone I'd be wanting to have a relationship with and I'm not alone in that.

Djnoun · 08/03/2018 06:51

So you're talking to another guy already, OP? That's great.

NotTakenUsername · 08/03/2018 08:02

How is having sex on a first date (if you want to find a relationship) empowering to anyone?
I’m not even sure about a kiss. I just don’t know how you can get to know someone enough in one date, especially at a bar, to make it anything more than skin on skin.
When that happens on a first date you tell each other something about yourself.
You both leave the situation knowing you both have low levels of self control, which is unattractive.
By all means if you are both looking for nsa consensual sex, then that could be empowering. But only if you are both upfront from the start.

ThisLittleKitty · 08/03/2018 09:46

Well apparently the way forward is "multi dating" so would probably explain why op is talking to someone new already. Personally for me I couldn't "multi date" but each to their own.

frieda909 · 08/03/2018 09:48

When that happens on a first date you tell each other something about yourself.
You both leave the situation knowing you both have low levels of self control, which is unattractive.

The many posters on this thread who later went on to marry people they kissed or even slept with on the first date would beg to differ.

LesisMiserable · 08/03/2018 09:53

Yep. Me and my dh are obviously mad about that low self control 😍

MaidenMotherCrone · 08/03/2018 10:51

'Lots of men think'
'Some men think'
'Men think'

How does anyone know what 'men' think?

Op I don't think the sex has anything to do with it. I don't think you were for him.

MaidenMotherCrone · 08/03/2018 10:54

DP and I didn't bother with a date, just got on with the good stuff. 4 years later and we are getting married in June AND shock horror we are no spring chickens.

LesisMiserable · 08/03/2018 10:58

Correct Maiden. And when a man comes on to tell you what he thinks being a man and all he gets absolutely lambasted for sticking his great big man shaped mansplaining oar in 😂 nobody knows better what "all men think" than MN, apparently. Even when told the direct opposite of what they believe. Collective cognitive dissonance.

ThisLittleKitty · 08/03/2018 10:59

Because we've heard what men think? I know what men that I've come across think of women who have sex on the first date, and these "success stories" are pointless really as they are rare. No one is saying it doesn't happen just that it's unlikely to if you sleep with someone on the first night.

NotTakenUsername · 08/03/2018 11:05

There is confirmation bias there though isn’t there, Frieda.

Maiden did you only just meet on OLD and get straight into it? Or did you know each other and therefore were developing a relationship before getting straight to the ‘good part’?

If you had sex with a total stranger and now you will marry him, fair enough. I hope it works out and that you have been able to develop some foundations after getting past initial (and hopefully ongoing) buzz of the physical fun.

I hope you know his views in parenting and equality and managing the family finances and education preferences. And I hope on hope that you had the happy coincidence that these all match up and compliment your own, because one date (or zero dates in your case) will not tell you that.

LesisMiserable · 08/03/2018 11:07

My 'success' story is not pointless, nor is anybody elses. We're the voice of happiness and positivity, which I know is deeply unfashionable on MN relationships but there we are. Two sexually attractive and attracted adults had the most primal and exciting of first meetings and it grew into deep love, connection, respect and compassion, equalty and understanding. It was amazing. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's not all how awfully women are letting themselves down by being sexual and human and alive and open to sensation regardless of the 10 year forecast ahead. We could all be dead tomorrow. Lighten up You know? Sometimes its fucking magical.

NotTakenUsername · 08/03/2018 11:09

LesisMiserable I’m very happy for you.

Women’s aid is full of women who will tell a different story.

LesisMiserable · 08/03/2018 11:12

And?

LesisMiserable · 08/03/2018 11:13

You're not happy for me or any of the others at all. Only misery, negativity and pessimism allowed isn't it? Why is that? How does that serve you?

NotTakenUsername · 08/03/2018 11:17

LesisMiserable I make a point of not interacting with strangers on the internet who state how I feel as though it was fact.

Try and pick a meaningless debate about your personal sexual habits that landed you a prince with someone who will bite.

And lay off the Disney, there’s a love.

SamanthaBrique · 08/03/2018 11:17

Women’s aid is full of women who will tell a different story.

What has OP's situation got to do with Women's Aid? I'm sure there's plenty of women who waited several dates before sleeping with their partners and they turned out to be abusive fuckers anyway.