Can you quietly fall out of love after 20+years?

[takemeimalive]

No drama, no issues, financially sound but I just feel very little towards my dh. Married 20yrs - 2dc early teens. We have even given up arguing! I think I’ve changed but he is happy to plod on. We don’t laugh together, we struggle to have fun as a family and I don’t want or like him very much but I’m not sure why. Seems like death by 1000cuts at times. We are having couples counselling but I’m not sure we can recover. Am I wrong to want more? He is a good father and kind, generous man. It’s me I’ve gone off him. I have started to think I would be happier without him and that is sad for our dc. Has anyone ever recovered their marriage from such a low ?

Hi Ken- I’m sorry you are going through this too. It is not good for anyone. I purposefully do not gloss over questions raised by my dh. I try to be honest without being unkind. Eg. He came over and hugged me yesterday and I couldn’t reciprocate. I just said I was sorry but I wasn’t feeling it. I’m sure he felt rejected and pissed off but at least he didn’t get the message that a hug was going someway to fixing this mess.
I do understand why it is important to be honest but I have to temper that with trying to be as kind as I can. I accept I am messing with his accepted life and there seems to be no obvious reason why. It is hard to understand, I struggle myself but I have had longer to process and contemplate the position.

Takeme - its a terribly sad situation and I’m still struggling to understand the reasons. Ive always tried to be kind , thoughful - ive heard the death by 1000cuts explanation too.

For me i wouldnt want to carry on like this either - its awful lying in bed hoping for someone to put an arm around you or show any kind of affection night after night.
Maybe this just happens sometimes i dont know, but its no way to live and i think everyone would be happier all round if we went out separate ways.

I am in exactly the same boat as many of you. Won’t put too much info as don’t want to out myself but basically been with OH (not married) for between 5-8 years and have two DC we are both mid twenties so I feel we are too young to allow this to go on much longer. As someone else said, I love him like a brother, enjoy his company, enjoy doing things as a family but would quite happily never have sex with him again. Ever. I’m not even 30, I can’t condemn myself to a life of no sex.

I’ve been telling him for over a year that I feel this way. We’ve had the same conversation over and over about him moving out but I think now maybe time.

I’m worried that I can’t be on my own. I’m worried I go from crap relationship to crap relationship looking for something more. I want to be one of these people who can be happy alone and a man is an added bonus.

I’m feeling really sad about the whole situation today. The counselling in bringing our feelings to the fore. I can’t explain why I feel the way I do. I swing from I’m leaving when my dc exams are over 2019 that’s it to I’m a selfish bitch for considering tipping my whole family’s world upside down. I don’t see how this is going to be resolved. Meanwhile dh thinks we can be fixed - I truly don’t know. It’s tough today.

Yes.

Me after 20 years and 3 dc's.

Now both of us happier than ever with new partners.

And yes to the sex!!!

On the positive side you don't hate each other so it should be reasonably possible to still be good parents maybe even you will start doing more things for your children. I hope you can find happiness i think it will be better for all.

I think you could have the best of all worlds. Children and maybe fun again. Best of luck.

That’s quite- sounds like you’re in a good place! Did you cut and run or fix what you had?

Thank you Nightshift - kind words and really positive thoughts. I hope you are right.

Ken here forgot my login.
Takeme I hope it all works out , it’s an awful thing for everyone to go through. It’s not selfish if both of you are unhappy, it’s strange your DH is struggling to acknowledge the problems.

I’m concerned that when one person has lost those feelings whether they can ever come back.As awful as it is rather than prolong the inevitable I am wondering if like thatsquiteenough everyone would be happier all round, rather than living like grumpy housemates for the next 20 or 30 years.

Hello - can I join? I’m in the same situation. Married 22years and I’m early 50s. DC at uni. The last 5 or 6 have been dreadful, which coincided with DH having a really tough time at work, coming home, and using me as a verbal punchbag. His OCD started to get worse, and even his PA asked me if he’d ever been on an anger management course...
DC were going through A levels etc, so I stuck with it, and kept my head down.

He was so abusive to me during this time that I’m struggling to come back from it. I felt like a line was crossed and I’m not sure I can come back from it.

Money is also an issue, as I used to be a SAHM, with a monthly allowance and a handle on all the bills etc. I ran up a credit card bill of a couple of thousand because he was so difficult to ask for money. Everything had to be justified financially. I had to come clean, and now I’m accused of ‘being unable to sort my finances’ despite running the household for the last 20 odd years.

He has a couple of hobbies that take him out of the house at weekends, and I know he is spending thousands annually on them, but gets v angry when I query any costs.

He tells me that he’s changed, and that he’s a better person, and has de stressed. But I think I’ve mentally moved on. I’ve been to see a solicitor, and I know financially I’ll be fine. I think I can almost hear my family goading me on to leave him, but I have to feel that I’ve given it my best shot.

I’m in counselling - and have been for 6 months- but he refuses to go. I think he thinks it’ll all blow over.

Sorry for the essay. Glad to hear I’m not alone, although suspect the divorce - if it comes- will be more acrimonious than I’m prepared for.

How's everyone doing?

My situation now is that we've decided it's over. Stbxh has moved out and wants to sell the house, but I won't get a mortgage so am staying put for now. Haven't told the kids yet. Am dreading it, no idea what to say to them.

We're trying to stay amicable but no idea how long that will last. But I feel like a weights been lifted.

I’m glad you feel like a weight has been lifted bookvan I hope telling the kids goes as well as it can.

Fluffy it sounds to me like you have some very valid reasons for falling out of love there. I understand the feeling of wanting to give it your best shot but it sounds like he doesn’t share that if he refuses to go to counselling.

I met up with a friend last night who is in the same situation. She is going down the counselling route with her husband, and we had a really good talk about our situations which helped.

My problem is it would be like a bolt from the blue for DH and the kids and honestly, I’m scared to let that genie out of the bottle. It’s stupid, in every other area than this I’m pretty fearless. I’m not deeply unhappy, I’m just going through the motions which is why I’m hesitating I suppose. I’m lucky in that I can manage perfectly well financially, I just don’t want to shatter his heart.

I keep thinking back though to what someone said upthread about wishing they’d been braver. That really resonated with me.

Hey Book, Ken & Retin. I too was wondering how things were with everyone last night! Book - you beat me to it.

Book I’m glad you feel a bit better with the decision being made. I guess it’s the start of the new path. I wish you well.

Ken you make some valid points. I hope things are ok with you. My dh is catching up or catching on to the seriousness of it all. The counselling seems to be making things harder at the moment but I think it is the process. The opportunity to share how we feel is sometimes difficult to hear and takes time to process.

Ret, I too have spoken to a friend about the situation and that has really, really helped me. I am super tearful but I think it’s part of my acceptance that I cannot continue so I will have to make changes and for us I think that means splitting up.
I have a year to work through the logistics of that keeping everything steady until my dc exams are over but I will put things in place as best I can. I truly hope to stay amicable but I know this grenade in my dh life will hurt him badly he will need time to work it all out. Today it feels like I have made my decision. Long road ahead...

I hope the road ahead is as smooth as it can be takeme I keep thinking I need to broach things before DC1 gets to GCSE stage. She is currently in year 9. What makes me more worried about it though is after a rocky few years in school, she’s flying. I don’t want her to lose that because I don’t want to shag DH!

Maybe I just need to suck it up for a few more years but if I do that, I’ll be taking the ability to remortgage out of his hands. He’s 50 now and not a high earner.

Although I have just spent the last hour browsing Rightmove for places just for me and the DC.

It sucks.

Retinol, don't wait, it means waiting several years, it's not sustainable.
You need to move on & the atmosphere will be felt by DD anyway.
If she can remain in the same school, no upheaval with friends/teachers etc. & there is some stability there, she should be able to adjust
I honestly don't think there is ever a "good" time, I know of a couple of examples of DCs in their 20's who haven't done well after the divorce...
particularly accepting the new partner/s, & not understanding choices.

I felt the same about 3 years ago when I was 49 and my husband 47, we have 2 older teen dc. We had a very strong happy relationship, very happily married, financially and emotionslky stable, both very much in love, he was my rock as I went through losing my parents and some difficult family matter. However after quite a traumatic event involving my eldest teen, we really drifted apart over a couple of years. He really struggled with what had happened and I'd never seen him like that. It was a real shock to see him not as my rock but as a vulnerable man and i know it sounds horriblebut it put me off him a bit. I still feel a little bit of shame when i recall how i felt about him. I was so sad about how it affected us, as I didn't want to break the family up and all that goes with it. Ultimately we both had some really open, honest and sometimes hurtful conversations about what we wanted from our relationship, and if we wanted to be together. I think he was shocked that I had seriously considered leaving him. He got some 1 on 1 therapy. Something I would never have expected him to be open to and it was incredibly beneficial. It was touch and go for about 18 months with some serious ups and downs..but we have absolutely come through the other side and are very much a loving partnership again. I'm so very glad we dug deep and worked on our marriage. Your husband sounds like a good man and he loves you, that is something special in itself. It helped for me to look at old pictures of us happy together and talk about those times with him and remember why we got together and fell in love in the first place. Don't give up just yet. People say marriages should just be all lightness and flowers. But you would nurture and look after anything else that is precious to you. Do that for your family and marriage. Whatever happens, take care of yourself sending love.

Zombie thread

i Seem to be falling out of love with my husband. I think I have carried on for the sake of the children. He stepped out of relationship just months before we were due to get married, but always denied it. I know the truth, so our marriage began on a lie. Some years later a close friend openly let other acquaintances know what he did and they almost ridiculed me for believing him. I got my revenge, as I was angry for believing my husband. Husband found out and we got through it. He knew I had done it out of revenge. Some years later, yet again, I see sexually charged emails to an attractive colleague, which were (just a joke) in his words. This was the defining moment where I lost any love I had for him. I removed my wedding rings and never wore them again. I have stayed for the sake of my young children and we have been together since High school. Hard decision to make! I know there is no respect there when he treats me like this. For the past couple of years since the death of his parents we have been intimate a handful of times. I don’t think I have been intimate with him in at least 16 months -2 years. He doesn’t try anymore. Tbh I don’t think he can get an erection long enough, as he is morbidly obese and I don’t find him attractive either. This year he posted all sorts of lovey dovey photos of his deceased mother on Mother’s Day and didn’t wish me, the mother of his children, Happy Mother’s Day. He also didn’t wish me Happy Birthday on Fb. I think an old flame from many years has noticed this distance between us maybe and private mailed me to wish me happy Birthday and then proceeded to ask me out for coffee. Tbh, I haven’t stopped thinking about him and we have messaged each other a lot over the past week (and he is really fit and single). My children are now in their teens and I feel that I have sacrificed a lot of years for their sake. Any advice?