Can you quietly fall out of love after 20+years?

[takemeimalive]

No drama, no issues, financially sound but I just feel very little towards my dh. Married 20yrs - 2dc early teens. We have even given up arguing! I think I’ve changed but he is happy to plod on. We don’t laugh together, we struggle to have fun as a family and I don’t want or like him very much but I’m not sure why. Seems like death by 1000cuts at times. We are having couples counselling but I’m not sure we can recover. Am I wrong to want more? He is a good father and kind, generous man. It’s me I’ve gone off him. I have started to think I would be happier without him and that is sad for our dc. Has anyone ever recovered their marriage from such a low ?

I’m sad but somewhat reassured there are a good few of us in the same boat. A couple of other threads also echoing the same feelings. Anyone think it is classic mid life crisis territory? Either way the more I think about things the more I feel the need to take direct action. Nothing drastic I need to let my eldest get through gcse in 2019 but I am going to do some planning and saving. I am determined to come out feeling alive again!! (Well, that’s my feeling today anyway!)

Welcome Veet - we can find a way through all together 💐

Masterchef it sounds like your DH already knows, or at least suspects if he tried to talk about it a year ago, why did you reassure him and not let on that everything wasn’t rosy?

If you were already being cold and not making an effort then is it possible he’s started to behave the same way or has he always been like this?

Is there a new man on the scene who has given you a glimmer of fun and excitement maybe? Whatever the reasons you need to tell him the truth this time.

Bad patches seem common on here but 5 to 6 years sounds terminal dont prolong it any longer! If he is a good Dad he will want to do best by his DCs. Talk to him but if you cant then write a letter, send an email he deserves to know and sounds like you’ll both be happier in the long run. Best of luck.

same here, a 30 year marriage and been like this for at least the last 10 probably more.
DH is happy with the status quo and has hysterics at the thought of living alone. Told him last month I wanted and divorce - it didn't go well

There are some other useful similar threads I've read on this. I did counselling but just for myself and found this helped. I would only consider couple counselling if both parties are 100% invested in making it work

Masterchef everything you said right rings true with me. The man questioning why you have gone cold etc. I don't want to be cold, but I don't fancy him at the moment and haven't for quite a long time. It would be much simpler if I did, like I used to do. I think it is a midlife thing for some people. Some are content to plod, others not. I don't have any answers. Hopefully someone does.

Veet - we will all have to find our own answers but if you change nothing, nothing changes. I don’t fancy my dh either and right now I don’t think he can do anything to change that, even though I can see he is trying. That makes me feel horrible but the connection isn’t there. It is so sad for my dc. I’m sorry I don’t have the answers, I wish I did.

This thread is for me.....

DH and I agreed to separate on Saturday evening after three years of marriage counselling and probably about five years of misery.

He’s a great guy but we haven’t slept together for years and recently I just haven’t wanted to spend time with him

I’m devastated and relieved at the same time. DC know things aren’t right - I’m depressed, DH is too and also angry I think

But it’s so so hard

Almahaart- it is the fear of the unknown but believe me the clouds lift once the decision has been made.

I hope so. I am so frightened but also heartbroken because we are great friends and I will miss him so much

I am also absolutely terrified of growing old alone

But we’ve been living on the verge of separating for years now and I just can’t live with the pain and uncertainty anymore, it’s so debilitating

Alma- can I ask what finally changed to get you to the decision on Saturday? No problem if that’s too personal I’m just wondering what it took to cross the line? It sounds like you have had a long time feeling sad. Maybe this is the beginning. I hope you get all the help you need with your depression.

I think the depression is caused by our marriage, the loneliness, the bickering, the uncertainty eg I haven’t booked summer holiday cos who knows if we’ll be together etc

I’m terrified it will be replaced by new depression at being separated, pushing 50 etc

He’s a lovely man and am sure will merit someone quite quickly. Realistically I don’t think I will

Oh bloody hell, crying in work loo now

Alma - >sends hug< sorry it such a difficult time. Can you talk to anyone in RL? Sharing the situation with someone you trust might help right now if you can?

alma just sending my thoughts. Am in an identical situation except DH won't accept it.

I’m sorry to hear that dementedma. DH was like that previously. What do you think you will do?

I just don't know. I think I am going to have to push through with it.
30 years married and I want my own life now

Masterchef this is what I'm asking myself.
Sometimes I think, well it's not that bad, the kids are happy, surely that's worth carrying on for. But then I think of living the rest of my life like this, even waiting till the kids are older, and I'm filled with dread.

I am having the similar thoughts, my OH no longer appears to desire me and am wondering if this will change or will be like this forever more

Has it been good in the past and you’re going through a bad patch which sounds fairly common in long term relationships reading these boards?

Do you desire other men just not your DH? At what point did your feelings change do you think you could rekindle them? Am reading with interest ...there is no easy answer. One final thought are you possibly having a mini-MLC questioning everything as you see the grass is greener elsewhere , or have you felt this way for a while?

I think what you have experienced is probably very common for people in long term relationships, i wouldn’t be surprised if your DH has experienced similar. A long term relationship is not going to have the same excitment as meeting somone new.

What has stopped the attraction to your husband, the day to day toll of life can be difficult in long term relationships, especiialy when children are involved and you no longer have the quality time you used to.

Could you work at the sex with your DH, lots of things are fixable if both are prepared to make an effort - given some guidance ans practice he may even surprise you!

There are lots of threads like this - i would suggest talking to your DH again.