Can you quietly fall out of love after 20+years?

[takemeimalive]

No drama, no issues, financially sound but I just feel very little towards my dh. Married 20yrs - 2dc early teens. We have even given up arguing! I think I’ve changed but he is happy to plod on. We don’t laugh together, we struggle to have fun as a family and I don’t want or like him very much but I’m not sure why. Seems like death by 1000cuts at times. We are having couples counselling but I’m not sure we can recover. Am I wrong to want more? He is a good father and kind, generous man. It’s me I’ve gone off him. I have started to think I would be happier without him and that is sad for our dc. Has anyone ever recovered their marriage from such a low ?

If you can’t see things changing and don’t want to make the effort to try and change things then you should tell him.

There are lots of threads about loveless/sexless marriages , I’m in similar and it’s a miserable lonely experience. Not knowing what’s caused it makes it worse as youend up questioning everything , even times when you thought you were both happy. I’ve given lots of thought to what i will do but i know I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this so something has to change.

In my situation I was certain my OH fancied me to begin with but I’ve started to question that now too. I dont know when things changed and this is what I mean about questioning everything. I know something has to change though I think this would make me ill eventually.

Think it through carefully and don’t rely on just this board as i’m wary of some of the responses on here, people who have done it when its workedout well will tell you to go for it lifes to short, whereas there may not be so many responses where it hasnt worked out.

For me I know i have to do something as i cant carry onlike this indefinitely.

Masterchef- I feel the same. I too have experienced that attraction from someone else and not acted. I too am unsure if I will ever fancy my dh again. I also wonder if my desires and happiness are a good or right reason to break up my family. I always come back the thought, can I carry on like this for 30 more years? My dh is making an effort I can see that but I just don’t know if there is anything he can do that will change how I feel 😞.

Takeme assuming you fancied your OH to begin with when did this change and what caused it? Is it inevtiable it will fade in a LTR

I probably dont fancy My OH as much but the early days especiially pre- children are very different.

This is what eats away at me , ive had attractive peole show interest in me and never acted on it. Whatever the reason its a sad way for it to end if it does

Masterchef was there a cause for you? Have you thought what you would longer term, have you kept in touch with holiday man and would you take things further?

I can say as someone on the other side of one of these relationships thats its a horrible sick feeling suspecting but not knowing for definite, mine has gone on for quite a while so at least this thread is prompting me to do something althouh im not exactly sure what yet!

Thinking- no one thing caused me to not fancy him. For me it’s been a slow decline to the point where a lot of his traits just grate on me. It’s not his fault, I’ve changed. Of course I really fancied him for years and years but now I stiffen at his touch. That must be horrible for him.

Takeme that’s really sad if you fancied him for years and years, sorry icant remembr if you already said but did you try and fix things, did anything help imrpove the situation? Ive read threads of people being on the brink and working through it and coming out stronger than ever.

Is blackeyes about id be interested to hear more about how you went through it and what helped you?

Thinking - we are having counselling now two months in. These sessions have prompted dh to believe we have a problem and it won’t just pass. These sessions have also prompted his efforts to be more affectionate and appreciative. I don’t know if I’m too far down the line to be able to feel the way I used to feel about him. Mostly I think about the best solution to living separately. He would have no idea I am even thinking ahead, he will be confident we will be ok. Which is interesting because he isn’t upbeat about anything else in life !!

Takeme good luck , am thinking ahead too trying to work out all possible outcome at least it won’t be such a shock when things come to a conclusion.

Masterchef have you made any progress? Do you kno what you will do yet, doyou have someone waiting in the wings you think you could be happy with? I find it very draining and am looking forward to a break fromit all once weve decidedly what we’ll do

Could do with some opinions on my situation.
I told dh a few weeks ago I wasn't happy. He seemed a bit shocked. Atmosphere between us was awful so he chose to leave temporarily. He's been gone nearly 3 weeks, popping back to see dcs.
He refuses to speak to me, leaves as soon as dcs are in bed.
I'm feeling really angry and hurt that he's done nothing to address the issues and is actively avoiding me.
Not sure what to do now and in a wierd kind of limbo not knowing what's going on.
Anyone have any advice?

Bookvan, I suppose the ball is in your court. Well done on letting him know how you feel, what would you like to happen now? Do you think you are ready to make it permanent?

Bookvan, He is punishing you. Is sulking & PA behaviour a trait of his ?
I would say he has more or les confirmed why you were unhappy? he is making no effort to repair or discuss how this could be resolved.
So you do know whats going on, he is either sulking till it goes away, or may be angry & expects you to get over it when he has had enough of punishing you, either way the base of the problem remains.
If there is no communication their is no solution.

Thanks beachy and mix.
I think I've pretty much checked out at this point. There's obviously more to it but I'm veering between being sad that it's come to this, and absolutely furious that he's made no effort.
He's not usually passive aggressive type. Mix56 I think you've hit the nail on the head, he's sulking and hoping it'll all go away, after so long together we've had difficult times, but like I said in an earlier post, it feels different this time.

I have been going through very similar feelings over the last few years.counselling helped a little but you have to really want it to work right? Husband seems to think it’s fine and happy to plod on. My fear is what if I leave, end up on my own as a single parent and never meet anyone else? Wouldn’t that we worse than mediocrity?

Hi zohop. I think you need to try to decide if mediocrity is something you can put up with for the rest of your life. A temporary separation might help you see the reality of single parenthood. In my case, I was really hoping I'd miss my dh. Unfortunately I haven't, turns out I was doing pretty much everything anyway so it's pretty much business as usual.
Personally I'd rather be single than plod on for the rest of my life. It's just all really sad. I thought we'd grow old together.

someone on another thread mentioned the expression with regard to relationships 'past its sell by date' and unfortunately i think that's sometimes the case, not always anyones 'fault'. We are so obsessed here with a blame culture that we forget it can be 'no ones fault really' and that two people have just changed and no longer feel that they want to feel 'tied' . Sadly it is often the case that one person at this stage wants to carry on--even if its not really doing them any favours.

I am feeling exactly the same way. I still like DH very much but I don’t fancy him one bit and I have to psych myself up for sex. I do fancy other people at times so it’s not me although I have managed to get away with saying it’s due to the periomenopause.

I feel awful but I can’t help it. We tick along nicely and get along well but I don’t want any kind of intimacy.

I can’t even stand the smell of him any more, no real personal hygiene issues, more just his body chemistry.

I just don’t know what to do and feel so selfish. The DCs are happy, he is happy although I do think he suspects something has changed. He’ll never ask me though, he doesn’t do confrontation of any kind.

I have changed a lot over the years, he hasn’t but that’s not his fault. He is still the person I fell in love with but no longer the kind of person I would seek out as a partner if that makes sense.

Do I raise this with him? I’m not looking for an answer but I ask myself that every day. Does he deserve more, do I? How the hell do you even begin to have that kind of conversation.

Sympathies to everyone else going through this.

I could have written your post word for word RetinolAddict. I've been with my perfectly lovely DH for 22 years. Kids are grown up. We get on well, there's nobody I would rather go on holiday with, city breaks, gigs etc but I'm not attracted to him any more. I don't ever want to have sex with him again. Ever. The thought of him getting frisky turns my stomach.

I feel so so sad.

And like you, he knows somethings up but he won't raise it with me. And how do I raise something like that? When he asks why I don't want sex? I can't keep saying I'm tired or I'm not in the mood. I just know if I try I'll regret it. The sex is shite. There's no other way of saying it. And shite sex is worse than no sex.

OP, I haven't read all four pages of your replies, but have read a few and lots of people who are heartily agreeing with you seem to have had much less stable marriages than the one you describe.

I think it's normal in a long marriage to have periods of falling out of love. But you can also have periods of falling back in love, unexpectedly. So it's not always wise to ditch a marriage when you first notice the love is gone, especially if that feeling is one-sided.

I wouldn't split up a family when DC are in early teens, for something as trivial (imo - I know loads of people will disagree) as being 'out of love' with a calm, stable, trustworthy long-term partner who is a good dad. Sod that. I'd work really hard on putting some passion back into my own life - not sexual passion, but passion for life itself. And give your DH a kick up the backside to do the same himself.

Get DC to draw up a list of really exciting things they want to do as a family - places to go or experiences to have. Talk to DH about what skills you want your DC to have by the time they leave school at 18 and set about helping them to learn them. Making yourself take an active, renewed interest in family life and in your own life as an individual can get you to appreciate each other again.

I'm not suggesting people should always stay together for the sake of the DC, but if your partner is a good man and a good father, it's a selfish thing to do while DC are just entering the rocky time of teens with exams and hormones looming. I think it's a bit cruel, really, to split up their family home and stability just because one parent is looking for a bit more oomf in life and thinks they have to destroy family life to get it.

So, I'd advise you to get really focused on a handful of things you long to do, and do them. Then, if, when DC are grown, you still want to leave, you'll be a fitter, more successful, more dynamic, confident and attractive person for having achieved all your goals while raising them.

I think there are a few assumptions there Mina. I haven’t seen anywhere where OP has said she doesn’t do this.

Speaking for myself, we do do lots of things things as a family and I live a very full life. I have plenty of friends, a job I gain a lot of satisfaction from, hobbies and things that ignite passion in me, unfortunately just not my husband. I love him like a brother.

I think most people on this thread have acknowledged feeling like this feels selfish which is why we are in the positions we are and most of us haven’t left. We have put everyone else’s happiness above our own but there comes a point when it starts to become very difficult indeed.

I do a lot of things with DH and the family. It makes no difference. If you have any suggestions on how I can make myself want sex with him without recoiling I’m all ears.

If your DH has noticed something is amiss please do the decent thing and tell him the truth.

As painful as it may be and if you genuinely care about them, it is kinder than keeping someone hanging on in limbo wondering what it is they have done - when the reality appears to be they haven't done anything wrong it is the DW who has changed.

It's mentally exhausting playing things over in your mind repeatedly trying to work out why your DW no longer shows any affection, appears no longer interested in you etc,etc Please do the decent things and tell him the truth.

Once the DH knows the truth you can then agree how to proceed, co-parenting, separating etc, but if the DH doesn't know the real reasons he will go through a process of trying to fix the unfixable which will only prolong the inevitable. And finally stay amicable, everyone wants to be happy including DH's !

Hi Mina, thank you for your comments. The reasons you describe for staying are ones I have contemplated a million times. There is no easy answer, someone is going to get hurt whether I suck it up or push for change. This is not a position I would choose for anyone.

Retinol - your posts all resonate with me. It is tough.
My dh is getting fed up with everything he does being wrong and things are taking a turn for the worse with us. It is unfair on my part but everything he does is driving me crazy, not in a good way. I wonder if this is coinciding with me drawing the conclusion more often that the only way is out.
It is genuinely a horrifying and liberating thought. Counselling this week will be interesting.

Ken - I agree dh deserve to know what the issue is, however telling someone you don’t really love them enough to carry on be married to them is a difficult concept to share, particularly when they have done nothing wrong. I do think about my dh happiness and wonder if he would find more without me.

Takeme as a DH going through this trust me I wish I'd known the truth a lot sooner. It would have saved a lot of sleepless nights.

Whatever you do don't reassure your DH that things are ok if he notices and raises it , or say it's the perimenopause or suggest things he needs to work on, as if he's committed he will focus on these things and then wonder why the situation doesn't improve.

Agree things you can both work on if you think there's a chance, but don't try this just to prolong the inevitable because you're scared of discussing the truth. As I said as painful as it may be living like this as a DH is no fun either.