Can you quietly fall out of love after 20+years?

[takemeimalive]

No drama, no issues, financially sound but I just feel very little towards my dh. Married 20yrs - 2dc early teens. We have even given up arguing! I think I’ve changed but he is happy to plod on. We don’t laugh together, we struggle to have fun as a family and I don’t want or like him very much but I’m not sure why. Seems like death by 1000cuts at times. We are having couples counselling but I’m not sure we can recover. Am I wrong to want more? He is a good father and kind, generous man. It’s me I’ve gone off him. I have started to think I would be happier without him and that is sad for our dc. Has anyone ever recovered their marriage from such a low ?

Thanks Aunt. I need to build up
My confidence and social circle again, he destroyed them both. Hi need people like you around me to drag me back up. Your words have been greatly beneficial to me so thank you n

If you feel there is anything to work on or save I would suggest you give it a go . Not sure what age you are but living on your own is a lonely lonely thing and yes it is bearable while you have the kids at home. It is very difficult to meet any decent men at all . OLD is shit . I'm not saying that you stay because of fear of the alternative - just saying that IF there is anything to save , have a go . Better first class loneliness than second hand company , isn't that what they say ?

Oh just it gets easier honest. I joined a local Meetup group and met the best group of people and have so much fun with them and then met my new oh and he’s happy o have friends and a life. I feel like me again ,me when I was 18. Small steps.

I don’t know OP I think it depends how bad you think the marriage is.

All the people I know whose parents split as teens where surpsisingly badly affected by it. You and your DH may be happier but I’d guess your children would be less happy - shunting between homes, seeing their dad only EOW, then having to deal with new relationships, possibly other children etc. It’s all very destabilising.

If you’re at each other’s throats all the time, constant rows and insulted, and it’s stressful for the children, then a split may be better.

But you can get on ok, you respect him, you’re just not massively feeling him, I’d leave it until they go to uni and then split. Not that that won’t affect them, but potentially less so.

@takemeimalive we had counselling too. I think it helped open up communication but months down the line it's clear that he can't change who is is intrinsically (I'm not saying he should have to).
I think it's so hard to feel like you have fallen out of love. After years and years together who wants to break the other persons heart especially if they disagree with the decision to split.

Tatiana - I understand it would be difficult for teenagers, of course I think about the impact on my dc often. If we can’t fix things though I cannot continue like this for another 6+years. I can’t.
@DollyRose102 I totally understand the position you describe. Our counselling currently has dh agreeing to change but understandably feeling slightly aggrieved at being ask to be someone he has never been - because I have changed. His position is totally understandable. He doesn’t want to split or give up on us and that hurts too. I swing from we can turn it around maybe to I’m done with lots of tears in between. I don’t know if I will ever see clearly enough to decide to make the break.

I know a young lad who was 20 when his Parents divorced, he is really Lost, not understanding the seemingly incompatibility of his father's new wife (ie NONE, isn't fit, doesn't like travelling, everything is opposite.)
He has no "fixed home", his mum had to move, his dad has the new wife, & new home... he feels base-less.
Emotionally he knows that relationships can fail, but in reality he is lost in space.
As a result I don't think this "wait for when DC go to Uni" is a fail safe solution

There is no fail safe solution unfortunately, just a least worst solution. Often this is different for each individual involved. But you can't really predict how anyone will react under trauma.

I was a teenager when my parents split, as were my siblings. We were relieved. They were unhappy and it affected us; it’s not to say it has been plain sailing but it has been way better for us all since they split up. Stay for the children is bollocks imo, you need to set them an example so they don’t put up with a shit relationship when they are adults.

Thank you for your insight Gower. I know everyone and every child is affected differently by the results of staying together and splitting. There is no easy answer, I think, for me it is about making the best decision I can in the circumstances and managing the fall out for everyone if I can’t find the way to make the marriage better. I am pragmatic but I have no idea of the trauma if the marriage ends, no idea.

takeme my dc were 16 and 14 and whilst DS 16 knew something was going on and actually asked was dad going to leave. Dd had no clue, but when told said “oh good it’s been horrible here!” I felt awful. I thought I’d been protecting them from hurt of a split family, but actually they’ve both been happier since and as a 3 we have a wonderful family now. Do what’s best for you and the children will be happy

@Auntpetunia2015 Your dd’s comment somewhat struck a chord with me. My ds said to me ‘can we ever have a day out as a family without an argument ?’ The snow had kept us all holed up together for longer than usual prior to the day out but on reflection his comment speaks volumes ☹️. Maybe the dc are much more perceptive than I give them credit for. Even though it is not dramatic, nor tempestuous what has become our ‘norm’ is probably not all that healthy for any of us.

takeme. I didn't leave, I should have. My DC thoroughly despise their father, & I am imagine they despise me for being weak & not leaving & sparing them his manipulative, selfish presence

Same here. 45 and no longer interested in 56 year old hubby. No sex life for years. I am still pretty good looking and desperate for a sex life!

My dh moved out temporarily. I really hoped I'd miss him but instead I found I can cope just fine and it's easier when it's just me and the kids. I don't think I can go back to how it was before and that's terrifying.

He wants to talk tonight. Not sure I can do this.

Sounds like you know what you want to do. What would your and the DCs’ financial and housing position be like if/when you end the relationship? Would your H be likely to agree to move out or agree on terms quickly? Could your work be affected?

Suggest considering timing re DCs’ exams. If DC are younger teens the sooner the better IMO in terms of minimising risks to their exams.

I wouldn’t worry about your H: he will probably just look for someone new almost immediately!

Masterchef - it’s so tough wondering if this is how it will be forever. Have you tried counselling? I know it’s not for everyone but for me I feel like I have to try, that way if it ends I am sure I explored all the options. I didn’t just give up when things got tough. For me that is important.

@Bookvan 💐 I can’t imagine how you are feeling it must be scary to maybe see some change on the horizon. Sending you my best. At least your dh wants to talk, perhaps that is progress towards a resolution of some kind and one that will make things more positive than they have been.

@Dozer I think financial I’d be ok I work p/t with a health salary and I guess if I was main carer my dh would pay towards the dc. I do not doubt he would see the dc ok financially. He is not a big earner but he would look after them financially 100%. Our mh is mortgage free, I think dh would want to stay in the mh, I’m not fussed but it’s the stability for the dc and he’d have to remortgage to buy me out I guess, or sell up and share the total? Not sure how that works. Timing is important as our eldest is gcse 2019 so in all honesty if we split it will be post exams, which leaves a year to work out 100% what I want - if that ever happens. I don’t think dh would move out, but he might for the dc - difficult to know. My work would be unaffected. Right or wrong, sometimes I seriously crave the excitement of a different life - selfish I know. Maybe your point Dozer about timings with the exams is a fixed window for me to work to either way. I guess a year in the scale of things is short. Anyway dh is making a big effort at the moment so who bloody knows !

Dh and I hit a really bad patch last year.

A lot of it was me, feeling exhausted all the time with work and kids, no fun, starting to look older and hating the prospect of a life if drudgery. I did see him intrinsically as part of the problem.

However, looking at what was missing, I started to widen the social circle; going out a bit, organising for friends to.come over more and doing more as a family. This also coincided with Dh travelling more for work, so I really suddenly started to feel happier and appreciated him more.

Dh being away for 1 week at the time was a test of how much I hated being without him.. So a year on things are back to normal, he has not changed much, it's me who has a slightly different perspective..

A trial separation, even for a couple of weeks, might really focus you as to where you want to be. Good luck, I know how tough it feels...

Wow MasterChef 5 or 6 years!

Have you said anything, has your DH noticed or said anything?

You need to talk about it and try and do something about , don't carry on for another 5 or 6 years - good luck.

My dh is now avoiding me. He's still living elsewhere but coming back to see the dcs most evenings. Said he wants to talk but leaves the minute they're in bed. Don't really know what to make of it tbh.

Masterchef I know what you mean about being scared to have the conversation. I feel exactly the same.

I am just joining in, because in much the same situation. I crave to be held, but he has changed not only physically, but his demeanour too. I used to not be able to get enough of him. I also think that lack of time together with just us has taken its toll. We have deceived each other and that has taken its toll too. We used to be like a rock...