Same again!

[peaceandquietandtea]

Plz help me and tell me what to do. I posted a few months ago about dhs emotional affair. I was so grateful for all your advice. so just to bring you up to speed we worked on things / I forgave / things got better but now....!
I found txts on his phone again ... Compliments! I do still believe nothing happened ..yet! What do I do Im so upset?!

I’m sorry

Once is enough. Surely you can’t tolerate this. He is showing you who he is.

If you worked on this why is he disrespecting you again? He knows this is over the line yet he is still doing it? I'd suspect he knows you forgave him the last time, so thinks you will do it again. Fool me once... I'd be preparing to LTB

I know! and ive tried to write this about three times and it keeps deleting and im using a different name sorry!

So i found compliments to her -
lovely eyes / thinking about you / look after you. What makes it difficult is they are colleagues so together all time!

What do you want to happen? He wont change his behaviour. Adults rarely change. So you either ignore his affairs, or leave.

It’s so soon for this to happen again.
You do realise it probably never stopped don’t you?

Do you really think you have a future with this man?

I really believed it was over as he was so loving and kind towards me almost like a different person after being so cross and angry. I had been thinking of leaving. now i do have tiny niggling doubt which now seems to be true. Bit if i mention it he said words to the effect of "why are you bringing up past?/ ive told you/ it's upsetting me etc!"

Its not the last though is it?
These messages are current aren’t they?

Gertie motherwell
I know - do wonder if it has ever stopped before. I trusted him but always wonder about what i dont know went on / will never know?
I know about texts/ time spent together/ exchange of gifts but i still dont think an anything physical happened. When i ask him he just laughs and says no way. He doesnt know ive seen recent txts and im thinking should I wait a bit more bfor i confront him?

Gather your evidence and hit him with it.

Photograph the messages they will get deleted.
He's laughing at you and making out your crazy when you know the truth.

He doesn't have to stay her colleague. He could have left to save his marriage.

Nothing has been worked on. I'm sorry you are worth more than someone who can't stop thinking of someone else.

Excuse me but I’m slightly confused.

Theses messages you have found, are they new, recent messages or old ones he sent before you discovered it last time that are making you question if the affair was physical?

I'm sure, as part of the 'working on it' process you said that you would end the marriage if he did it again. Well, he's doing it again, or never stopped. He knows what is at risk, yet here he is risking his whole life. Either he thinks he's clever enough to deceive you more convincingly this time, or he knows you'll put up with anything. It's time to realise that he isn't your friend, and he doesn't care about you enough.

I think it's time to wipe the smirk off his face by getting tough and meaning it. Photograph evidence. Confront him. Tell him to go.

By showing him you mean business this time, rather than a doormat, you stand the best chance of him conclusively choosing you if that's what you want. Personally I would ltb and never look back.

It will stop.
But eventually you will have to put your foot down and mean it.
Good luck.

Thank you for all the advice. And just to explain GertieMotherwell yes these are new messages and they have now been deleted. I didn't have enough time to read them all. But i saw enough and it was just like a few month ago. Emojis and he compliments her eyes again! Said he was thinking about her. These were sent all evening after them spending working day together. None since friday night as far as i know. He has put his phone away now!

I do wish they didn't work together so closely but kind of job that isn't easy to move from. Maybe in a few years one or other will move on due to circumstances.
I still ask questions about her and check up on him and usually he is ok and reassures me but this weekend he was getting cross and defensive again. I haven't told him I've seen these recent texts - not yet - I want to see how things are when he goes back next week. I also am sure not physical yet but I am worried about the future. I really believed he had sorted it but no and this has thrown me.

Thanks for explaining and sorry to pry.

What make you sure it’s not physical?

It's ok and I need to talk about it. I am sure it isn't physical but not 100%
I base this on gut feeling, what he has told me, time scales and opportunities. They are often alone together but in an office type room where people come and go but have to knock on door if closed. Some car journeys and cafe visits together which he tells me about (work related /lifts home ).
He clearly finds her attractive and has openly said this to me but then qualifies it - says I'm the one for him, I'm still good looking. (I'm older and feel awful about this whole thing - she is pretty younger woman).
I do ask him questions sometimes and have this weekend because I saw more texts again. He asked me to stop saying why am I still going on about it and I'm stressing him and he's going to have to resign! He doesn't know I have seen his recent texts and am obviously suspicious again. They are dealing with a difficult work issue and he says to me I don'T fully understand. In a conversation about it he was defending her and during an argument when he said I interrupted him he said that she didn't interrupt! His behaviour and reactions have changed again.I don't know what to think. I can see him struggling if you get me. Do you think I should just come out with it and say I saw more texts?

Bloody hell I couldn't stand around watching him continue or rekindle this relationship.

Tell him you've seen the messages and ask him to pack a bag. Don't cry until he's gone. Be firm, icy.

Should you decide to give him another chance make resigning a condition of that - your mental health and peace of mind are more important than his career.

I'm upset and scared. We went through all this a few months ago and he assured me it was over ( I called it an emotional affair - he called it a few texts and photos!). Because I believe it never became physical I trusted him and he seemed so much better and gave me constant resurrances and now a few months down the line this! and now I'm wondering if it ever went away? obviously not, but has it stepped up again and therefore my fear that it could go further.

Right.
I read on here that people do not play out their lives via texs, so let's say id had sex with dp today I do write that in a text message.
Remember that. So the fact that you have not seen a text saying i have had sex with you, kissed you or whatever does not mean it hasn't happened.I

There is plenty opportunity for intimate contact between them.

What did you tell in last time?
Did you tell tell him that you would not accept him any out of office contact with her? Or were your opinions as needs neglected and everything focused on him?

It doesn't look good op.
Regardless of what has or hasn't happened i could not tolerate this crap.
At r be very least hub disrespecting you and giving a green light forbid woman to come in to hm.

You fear it could go further ?? Believe me the worst has already happened - he is devoting his mind time to her , sending her compliments , telling you he finds her attractive - what do you need to actually see here ?

If you aren't going to end your marriage based on his continued affair...then I don't see the point in confronting him.

You know what you saw. He knows how hurt you were....yet he's carried on.

If he wants to be with her let him go...but he's just disrespecting you and trying to make you feel silly for bringing it up again.

You gave him a second chance ...how many more?

He wont take you serìously and if you confront him and stay put..that's his green light to carry on..because he knows you're going nowhere.

He cheated on you and you forgave him and now he's doing again. What more do you actually need before you get rid of this man? What does he need to actually do before he crosses your boundaries?
For me he'd have been gone the first time he sent a few texts and photos to another woman ..that's cheating.

He's having an affair. It never stopped.

He has negotiated a one sided open marriage. Will you continue to stand by and watch that happen ?