Same again!

[peaceandquietandtea]

Plz help me and tell me what to do. I posted a few months ago about dhs emotional affair. I was so grateful for all your advice. so just to bring you up to speed we worked on things / I forgave / things got better but now....!
I found txts on his phone again ... Compliments! I do still believe nothing happened ..yet! What do I do Im so upset?!

I am so upset and I don't know what to do. I mean the best time to tell him and how I approach it. There is hardly ever a time when there isn't someone in the house and I couldn't tell him in the pub or such like. If I didn't have children I would have just gone away. I have spent most of today reading another MN thread from someone going through what sounds incredibly similar and my heart goes out to that mum.

I think you know what to do OP. Get in touch with a shit hot lawyer and plan your exit strategy . This man is not worth your efforts anymore.

If it were me I would ask him to leave to allow you some "head space " as you feel like you need some alone time (don't indicate you know just say you need some space and think it would healthy for your relationship to have a little breathing room ) then literally sweep the house for all your important documents such as bank account details, deeds , birth certificates , passports and keep these safe where he will not find them.

You can get free consultations with divorce Solicitors over the next few days whilst he is away from the house.

Within this time you could maybe ask a friend to follow him ? Ascertain where he goes? This will give you more proof (if you indeed need it , for if you decide you want to divorce this asshole of a man) xxx

I am so upset and I don't know what to do

I am so sorry you are going through this, but you do know what you need to do. I understand it's hard but you have to do something.

Don't worry about the other people being in the house.

You are torturing yourself by letting this situation roll on without trying to take some control back.

Pack him bag, text him at work, tell him he needs to collect it and stay somewhere else for a few days at least. And then threaten to lose your shit with him at his office, in public, if he doesn't go. Point out that you are offering him a less embarrassing way out.

Then get in touch with solicitors etc. And keep talking us here.

So now after a few more days i have proof he has kissed her - found a poem and that's it now. Still been really off with me and so defensive and on whatsapp all the time and same time as her but he doesnt know I know that. He has changed password so I cant see any more messages. Well this is plenty of proof now. I am planning to confront one day this week with a relative to help me. Still don't know how it will happen as in the logistics of getting him on own. And I still can't believe it's happening. I feel numb, I keep crying and cannot eat or sleep. And I absolutely dread the children finding out - it will wreck everything. I wish I could protect them from it but don't see how. I want a separation from him. I want to say so many things to him!!! I' m trying to stay calm for now but when I get my chance he's had it!

Feeling so very sorry for you OP. This is awful.
Right now, the one person you need to look after is yourself, first and foremost, nothing and no one else. Never mind when the best time to confront him is. There is never a good time to confront someone like this as they deflect and lie, lie, lie. It's useless.
For the moment, go to ground if it's what it takes, be kind to yourself, do not pressure yourself into a reacting. You can react when you are ready.

I totally agree with tatianna and OhCalamity; consult solicitors until you find one who gets you and has your back, organise yourself and when you are good and ready, have the divorce papers served to him.
What has this man got to offer you but more of the same? It's horrible.
I am by not knowledgeable in this but it seems to be the case that you are in a much better position if you instigate the divorce rather than being the respondent: a good solicitor should explain this and why.
I am the type of person who would have no qualms in citing the OW as third party, however not everyone is that vindictive.
It's completely horrible for you to be put into this situation and having to deal with it is so dreadful that he is counting on you doing precisely nothing.
Hand holding and really thinking of you.
You will always find a lot of support here.

Thanks for your advice. I honestly haven't a clue about divorce and dread the thought of all that is to come. I want to stay calm but can't stop imagining scenarios such as turning up at their work place with his laundry and giving it to her! I'm so angry and hurt and honestly dont know what to do. I'm scared and definitely only speaking with a relative there and I'm going to have to sort out how.

When I say I saw messages on his phone he will go mad and I'm scared of that. But I have also had a gut feeling.

Shop around for a good solicitor, someone who you feel will be at being at dealing with your husband. I know someone who never talked 1 to 1 with her STBXH after she started the divorce proceedings, everything went through the solicitors. If someone is intimidating or incapable of constructive dialogue it might be the way. Again, a good solicitor will have seen it all and be able to advise.

Vent on MN, and/or write down the fantasy scenarii of revenge on a piece of paper that you can burn or destroy. Don't demean yourself by acting them out in real life.

He can torment you, hurt you, embarrass you, but he cannot take your dignity away.

If his attitude towards you has changed again you can truthfully say you know - because of the change in his behaviour - that the affair is continuing and that he's blown the chance you so generously gave him. No need to mention the messages. Put him on the back foot - he needs to prove he hasn't been seeing her, eg by downloading all of his email/text/WhatsApp message histories.

What i mean is: the original offence was enough. You don't need another smoking gun. The onus is on him, not you.

You don't have to confront him or tell him that you have seen messages. You don't owe him anything anymore.
Start looking after yourself and acting in your own self interest.

I’m sorry peace, this must be so upsetting :(

What do you want to happen when you talk to him this week? Start from what you’d like to happen and work back from there...

Thank you. I want to stay calm and dignified but i also want to let him know i know and see what he says if you get me. So far he has cleverly denied everything and played down last time. But it has escalated now and I know it is a physical affair although still not to what extent?

And what will that change?

What will happen if you find out it was a small one off physical affair? What will happen if you find out it’s a full on affair with many physical nights / days?

And what will happen if he gets angry, stalls, turns it around on you and you don’t find out anything new?

What then?

What do you really expect to happen after this meeting? Honestly? You don’t have to answer on here, but I do think you should have a really honest think yourself, as I think you’re hoping for something that may not happen...

• Are you looking for any excuse to carry on with your marriage like before? I get the feeling that inside, you’re begging him to throw you any small bone to keep you hanging on hoping he’ll change and closing your eyes to what he’s doing? It’s conpletely understandable.

But what if he doesn’t do this?

And what if you don’t really want to live like that really... not once the knee jerk panic and heart break has worn off a bit?

What other options would you want out of this meeting?

I understand what you mean and no this is not what I want.
My mind is made up - I've had enough and I've put up with enough over the years. Yes i thought things were getting better and I couldn't have tried any harder but i feel massively let down by his deceit and betrayal. I just can't believe it. Just about got through mothers day by avoiding him most of day although he got me presents but he is just so unfriendly and I can tell the truth and what is going on in his head. I believe that by this time next week I will have told him to get lost.

The way he is behaving shows that he doesn't give a damn about your feelings. Please consider taking advice and deciding how you want things to pan out for you and how you can achieve this, before you confront him. Don't give him the opportunity to poopoo your intentions.

thank you everyone. I re read all your advice again and again to help me. I am hoping to speak to a relative this week for some advice.

Update here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3106315-Emotional-affair?