Same again!

[peaceandquietandtea]

Plz help me and tell me what to do. I posted a few months ago about dhs emotional affair. I was so grateful for all your advice. so just to bring you up to speed we worked on things / I forgave / things got better but now....!
I found txts on his phone again ... Compliments! I do still believe nothing happened ..yet! What do I do Im so upset?!

thank you

Have you taken screen shots of the messages?

No i didn't have enough time but i have written down what i can remember.
I wish there was a way to retrieve deleted texts but I don't think there is?

What do you think "I'm not sure what you want from me" means?

I think it probably means he is trying to find out where he stands in his relationship with OW/object of his infatuation.

“I’m not sure what you want from me” means “do you want an affair/sex” and you know that. It’s only a matter of time before they have sex. He’s shown that he prioritises his relationship with her before his relationship with you. If he was scared of losing you he wouldn’t be trying to make their relationship more intimate. He’s not in love with you and he doesn’t respect you. As difficult as it is to end your relationship, it is better than allowing him to treat you this way.

I think it means that she’s blowing hot and cold.

ok thanks for the advice and clarifying what I think it means but I'm on my own with no one to talk to about this so I need your advice.
I so wish I had chance to read all the texts but I didn't! I got the impression most were from him/ they were more detailed. I only had a few seconds and now deleted which I know is a massive red flag!

It sounds to me like she is enjoying the attention and keeping him dangling until she decides if he is worth leaving her husband for. They are clearly more than co workers and he is behaving like a love sick school boy. I would set wheels in motion to divorce him, dont confront him, be calm and just tell him you are done. He clearly doesnt give a shit about you or your family. I am sure if she was single he would be off and away with her. Protect yourself as best as you can and drop him from a great height.

Whether you only got to read a few or all of them doesn’t change your situation. You know that he promised to disengage from this woman and he hasn’t. He’s done the exact opposite. Never mind what he wants. What do you want? He’s shown that he’s not going to be faithful to you. Do you think if you confront him again he’ll actually end things with her?

He might not even really be bothered about her TBH. In some ways that’s more hurtful given how he is behaving.

A lot of times I have seen insecure and controlling men who manage their anxieties by having fantasy relationships (infatuations) or actual affairs (EA/PA) with other people alongside their main relationship. Doing this has many benefits for them; they get to avoid being vulnerable, they get the excitement of lying and evading their responsibilities and they get to use each woman to control the other woman’s input re their ego in various ways through triangulation/putting them in competition.

These men aren’t capable of a real relationship with anyone and often they have no intention of actually ‘being with’ the AP or infatuation or leaving their partner. They’ll often become enraged if their wife tries to challenge their behaviour because they are deeply invested in using it as a coping mechanism for their own insecurities/deficiencies and the often have no respect for women in general.

wow and bloody hell! sorry!
I'm so worried now. He is a controlling type of man to some degree.
Since this all happened a few months ago I felt I was finally gaining some ground- for example, I told him I thought he was controlling, he seemed to listen and respond more.. But, as i say, just of late he seems to have "reverted to type" which if anything concerns me greatly and i do fear for the future now.
Do you know what - she can have him -- but I tell you something she is quite bossy and I'd love to see her put up with what I have. Im heartbroken I'm writing this about my marriage....

So sorry it's come to this but I have to agree with 'Tatiannatomasina' (above) and I would just get everything lined up and leave when he's at work or away at the weekend etc. This bypasses the confrontation for you, as it's obvious he doesn't care about your feelings, so why put yourself through even more heartache?

I don't think he stopped the affair and just told you what he thought you wanted to hear. Look after yourself and DCs, get your finances sorted and see a good divorce lawyer, then you can implement your escape plan. Imho, trying to talk to him will be fruitless, he already made empty promises last time and will do the same again, no point in just doing this over and over, you deserve to be happy.

So sorry OP I think you should LTB.
He promised you he would stop and hasn't . Regardless of whether or not things have become physical it's not through his lack of trying which is such an insult to you and something you absolutely do not deserve. Just know that it isn't anything you did /didn't do that drive him to behave this way. There are people out there who are rich , confident , ooze sex appeal , are beautiful and they still get cheated on . The defect is with your DH not you.

There is a really good website they offers support and good reading materials for betrayed spouses:

www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/calling-all-bss/

Sending you strength , you will get through this OP xx

Thank you everyone for your advice and words of wisdom. And I've just found out both on whatsapp at same time yesterday but can't see messages. I feel sick and can't eat and hardly slept. Just can't believe he misled me

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I've been there and it's agony... I remember trying to take photos of his phone with mine and shaking so hard I couldn't get a clear picture.

You have two choices - confront him or let it go. If you do the former, make sure you're prepared for this to be the end of your relationship and that you've got the support network + financial matters in place to cope. You sound like a good person who doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

As PPs have said, a lot of us have been through this, and the relief when it's over and you can move on with a happier life is worth the pain at the time...

We're here to support you

"why are you bringing up past?/ ive told you/ it's upsetting me etc!"
It's upsetting HIM!!???
Ahhhh.... diddums.
You know what to do op.
Show yourself some respect and kick this lying cheat into touch.
I'm so angry on your behalf.
Time for you to find your anger!

Wise up OP, the affair never ended, he just lied to you, no doubt, for the hundredth time.

Get rid, he actually has the audacity to say to you it was just messages and pics; he is TELLING you he thinks it's ok for him to go sniffing around other women, as long as you don't find out.

You are being extremely naive if you think it's not sexual; he's a sleaze ball who has zero respect for you.

If you feel weak, go speak to a friend, a family member, they will tell you the same as me.

Why are you hanging onto a man that is looking elsewhere and has never stopped since being caught??? Why???

You have the right to walk away from a marriage when ever you like, and for whatever reason you like. You don't need his permission. It's not like you need to produce proof of an affair like a passport to leave.

He had a second chance, and he blew it. You get to walk away knowing that you can't be accused of wrecking this marriage because you gave him a chance many wouldn't.

So. Play along like everything is normal and fine. See a solicitor quietly. Get advice on your finances. Put your strategies in place and do whatever planning you need to do. Don't reveal your hand until you are ready, then just serve him with divorce papers at work or wherever.

tbh it doesn't matter if it was physical or not for me being emotionally involved with someone else is worse. I think I would leave him especially as its not the first time its happened.

Thank you for your kind words and support. And now they are on whatsapp. I am so upset and feeling stunned and worried about the next few days.

I'm just completely ignoring him as he is here now. I do not want a row. I am thinking of best way forward and timing. One part of me wants to completely yell at him and tell him but there are others in the house / children and bfs gfs (it's like a student house!) I do not want to confront it when others here. Also she has sent various photos to him on whatsapp including a special cute one of just her! I'm hopping mad inside!!

I can’t really understand how you’re able to see all these messages? Does he just leave his phone lying around unlocked? . I’m amazed he hasn’t deleted them or moved them to a vault app.

I know his password at the moment but he might change it like he did last time. I only get a chance to look at phone briefly and I have to be so careful and I'm worried he's going to catch me out soon. Also he deletes a lot and that's what worries me as I know from being on here MN that this is not a good sign. The other day I only got to read about half of them and then later they'd gone and I'm so frustrated I didn't read them all although I saw enough as I've mentioned earlier. And the whatsapp is pretty recent as far as I know so I have to be careful. One part of me feels awful for looking but I don't care. I also have a gut feeling and in particular the way he has been towards me the last week.