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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Same again!

93 replies

peaceandquietandtea · 03/03/2018 22:28

Plz help me and tell me what to do. I posted a few months ago about dhs emotional affair. I was so grateful for all your advice. so just to bring you up to speed we worked on things / I forgave / things got better but now....!
I found txts on his phone again ... Compliments! I do still believe nothing happened ..yet! What do I do Im so upset?!

OP posts:
GertieMotherwell · 04/03/2018 13:46

Is she attached or single peaceandquiet?

SandyY2K · 04/03/2018 13:54

He just took the affair underground...it never ended.

Don't make the mistake of thinking they have no chance to be physical. People have a shag in the toilets...they go to hotels...they can use the car...all at lunchtime.

He could tell you he's going to work and take a days leave to be with her.

I've known all those situations to happen..It's not hypothetical.

If he doesn't think you have the courage to end it...he'll do it again and again.

Dard · 04/03/2018 14:30

Sorry been in your position makes me so angry for u he is having affair his behaviour is totally taking the piss out of u making u question yourself for doubting yourself when u have seen his disloyalty in black and white.If you confront him he will continue to lie and lie and make u feel like a crazy person you are not.You can wait and watch it play out sadly it never stopped.Cake eater sadly.Flowers

Original poster
peaceandquietandtea · 04/03/2018 15:26

I hear all your messages and I want to be strong but he is very difficult to argue with. He has been so nice to me lately but his horrible side is here again - saying nasty things to me and twisting and turning. For example, before he said that he last time when he told me it was a good job i found out and told as it could have gone further ..he just said to "keep me quiet/agree with me !
And yes she is married but her dh has no idea (as far ad i know)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/03/2018 15:48

What is it you need to "argue" about ?

You either accept his treatment of you or don't. The decision is entirely yours, no matter what clever arseholery he comes up with

RainyApril · 04/03/2018 16:26

If you think you'll cave if you confront him alone, is there anyone who could come round and support you?

If it were me he'd get a text saying you've seen the recent message and that's the end for you. He'd arrive home to a suitcase in the garden and a locked door. I'd have my dad here to tell him to fuck off.

Let's see how keen his ow is when he turns up on her doorstep, when she begins to fear you'll tell her dh, when the possibility of everyone finding out becomes a reality.

What he does then would inform my next steps. If he manages to be honest and reasonable I'd consider playing ball. If he continued being a dick I'd tell her dh and turn up at their place of work.

Honestly op, I know it hurts but it's already over. Let your parting shot be one to be proud of instead of clinging to him.

Original poster
peaceandquietandtea · 04/03/2018 16:32

I think I'm weak - I AM weak and that's been half the trouble with
him down the years. He can be so good but I'm scared of his temper and words. Also I'm trying to keep the peace and don't want children to find out.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/03/2018 16:34

It's ok not to want big dramas. Not everyone is a confrontational person. But that does not mean you have to tolerate this kind of treatment.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2018 16:36

If you are frightened of his reaction, what does that tell you ? Not a good dynamic to be modelling for your children. Do you all have to be subservient to his moods ?

Dard · 04/03/2018 16:39

He is projecting his guilt onto you.Maybe feels safe as she is married having his ego boosted.Sure she is doing same thing with her husband no intention of leaving .Once it is all out everyone's destroyed.

Original poster
peaceandquietandtea · 04/03/2018 17:33

Just feel like back to where it started and feel really let down. I believed it was over. Im considering all your comments such as "knowing he can get away with it" and I seem a fool.

OP posts:
Original poster
peaceandquietandtea · 04/03/2018 17:36

I am an extremely busy person with a large family and some additional needs in those around me. I should add he is her boss and he spoils he rotten in terms of work.

OP posts:
Offred · 04/03/2018 17:43

You deserve better than this shithead. Flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/03/2018 17:44

What do you want to happen?

There is no argument to be had, no big confrontation needed.

You go see a solicitor. You get your ducks in a row.

Everyone, including the children, will find out eventually but they don't have to know today. He doesn't have to know today either that you can't be fooled any longer.

Or are you hoping that if you confront him in the right way then he will stop lying and having affairs?

There's no point talking to him. He will lie and lie and lie. Just quietly make the solicitor's appointment.

Mumontherocks1 · 04/03/2018 17:49

I know this is really stressful for you and your life is busy with everything else going on. If you can't get the courage to face him send him a text along the lines of 'I've seen your recent texts and I am taking legal advice'.

It may be the case that relationships are frowned on at his workplace especially if she is senior to him. Ring HR at his workplace and ask them what is their policy.

Take care of yourself and know that other posters have been where you are. Try to tell someone in real life, you need support. Flowers

Mumontherocks1 · 04/03/2018 17:51

Whatever happens you will survive this!

RainyApril · 04/03/2018 20:43

I'm not being flippant op. I'm an absolute mouse and behaved much as you did when you first found out. But the second time is beyond the pale. You have no idea how empowered you will feel once it's you calling the shots. The children will find out eventually, but he did that, not you.

Scornedwoman67 · 04/03/2018 20:58

You need to take charge here OP
He has you on the defensive now. You either allow him to continually lie to you or you tell him you will no longer put up with it & ask him to leave. I've been in your shoes. Believe me in the long run you'll be happier.

SmileyBird · 04/03/2018 21:08

They have shared car journeys and yet you think they won’t have had the opportunity to make the affair physical?

Original poster
peaceandquietandtea · 04/03/2018 21:25

He says it's just a lift home or to a meeting.
Something in the text concerned me ... He said "not always sure what you want from me".. what does that mean?

I suspect this is all coming more from him / he has massive crush on her/ she responds with banter / he is flattered and so on. Whether anymore this is when i'm not sure.
Although I am sure about texts / he asked for photo and she sent one (a rather flirty one on night out) / gifts exchanged/ time alone . He said it all got out of hand due to work pressure / sorry/ all over now. But then as i say this weekend I found a string of flirty texts . So....what now. I'm fuming but not speaking to him at all now. And he bought me a bottle of wine the same day he text her!!!!! He has spent the last few months assuring me he loves me .
please tell me what you think.one part of me wishes I could just pack it all in.

OP posts:
SmileyBird · 04/03/2018 21:33

I think he’s either having an affair with her, or wants to.

I think you seem bizarrely calm about it.

Offred · 04/03/2018 21:34

I think he’s a dick who has no sense of loyalty or responsibility.

I think he may think he loves you but he is one of those people for whom love is very superficial and selfish so the love he is offering you is not worth very much.

Offred · 04/03/2018 21:35

I think the more time and energy you spend trying to figure him out and make him not be a shit the less time and energy you have for making your life happy.

Original poster
peaceandquietandtea · 04/03/2018 21:40

Honestly i am not calm at all and cry frequently. My heart is beating fast and i cant eat properly and this is how i was last time. I am trying to hold it together for those around me in this house now and it isnt easy! I wish I could blurt it all out to him but he will just shout at me and that's not good now. So I'm waiting for the right time this week. I will confront him about it. I think I'm so shocked to find such texts again. And the not knowing is awful. Writing on here is helping me get through today.

OP posts:
RainyApril · 04/03/2018 21:49

Lots of us have been through it op. You'll get lots of support here if you want it. You are still in shock so try to look after yourself properly and start forming a plan.