Trying to unpick feelings towards new husbands very close family

[freshstart24]

Will try to keep it brief: Met DH 6 years ago, married last year. He is a wonderful man and I feel very lucky to have him in my life. I have one DS (10) from a previous really tricky relationship which ended 8 years ago.

My family are complicated, I love them dearly but by anyone's standards they are quite tricky people and both parents are on third marriages.

In contrast DH's family are v close. He has 2 siblings- one with two older teenage kids, and one brother with special needs who lives at home with their parents, but is capable of quite a bit of independence ( holds down manual job, can manage himself for a night and couple of days).

They have always spent a lot of time together. Sunday lunch most weeks, two or three ( ie all) holidays together. Lots of social events. Since we met the Sunday lunches are probably more like every other week, and holidays are two out of three together.

I like his family, but also find them difficult at times. They are louder, more opinionated and less considerate than me and I find myself shrinking in their presence. DH loves them dearly, his family values are something I love about him but I'm finding them increasingly overbearing.

We had considered holidaying just the three of us this year but it now looks like again we are all going camping in France. We were thinking of trying to save some money but this now looks less important and so we can do the usual family trip.

DH supports DS and I so much, deals positively and patiently with all the challenges of a full on 10 year old, and so I feel that I should compromise and go on this holiday without complaint. But a big part of me just wants to cry when I think about it.

I feel fed up of having to fit around all their family traditions. I feel DS and I get sidelined. 10 year old boys need different things to teens and old people, and this gets ignored. The teens ignore him completely, which I guess is normal- and I get veiled criticism for disappearing off with DS to relieve our cabin fever as if I'm spoiling him. I know it's important that DS doesn't feel the world revolves around him, but I feel they go too far and he is a bit ignored.

I'm a helpless people pleaser, so naturally prefer to go with the flow. But then DS ends up having to fit in too and we miss out on having fun together.

I feel so guilty and ungrateful about this as for the first couple of years I was just delighted to get a holiday and to be part of a family. Now I've changed my tune and maybe that is unreasonable.

I'm rambling, I know I need to talk to DH but I don't know where to start. He loves his family dearly, and worries about the day he looses a parent- at the end of each holiday he feels tearful that it may be their last altogether. I'm usually relieved that it's over!

You need to talk about it.

I’d express it as that you think it’s great he’s so close to his family. At the same time you think it’s inportant to have family time alone - just you, so you can develop your own traditions and spend time together.
Reassure him this doesn’t mean rejecting his wider family, just making sure you focus on your immediate little family too.

We went on holiday with the in laws and family (we were summonsed...) and NEVER EVER AGAIN. Just no way.

I dont know how you cope!

Yeah you do need to talk to him. It seems he hasn't changed since marrying you and doesn't recognise you and your son are now his primary family and should take priority

Maybe suggest just a wkend away with his fam and a week abroad for the 3 of you.

Thanks for the responses.

I am so grateful that DH is so good to DS and I that I feel uncomfortable demanding more of him by asking him to give up his family holiday.

I also worry that a holiday just the three of us could be tricky too- he might hate it and it will be all my fault.

Oh dear, I am tricky!!

Sounds like a bit too much closeness for you! Totally understandable, I think I'd feel the same. Marriage is about joining families yes, but it's unrealistic to expect you will feel about them how you do for your own family and want to spend as much time with them as your husband.

Weekly/fortnightly Sunday get togethers, frequent holidays, social occasions, all sounds incredibly stifling to me and way too much togetherness. But I come from a family where we don't do that, we give one another space. Meet every couple of months or so, for several hours of really catching up and enjoying each others company. But I'd never agree to weekly or fortnightly meet ups!

I think you need to talk to your husband and just say what you've said here. You love his family, but you find the holidays a bit much. Maybe suggest you arrive a couple days after the others and leave early so it's less time. Or let him go without you while you and your child go do something fun together. It's important for your son to have one on one time with his mum too. The most precious memories of my childhood were simple day trips to the seaside with my mum on the train.

Ps maybe your husband is having difficulty adjusting to the fact he has his own family now, and that needs as much nurturing and time spent as his family of origin. Suggest a holiday with the three of you. Or as a compromise maybe go for the first and last day of the family holiday but the three of you go off on your own for a holiday together in between.

Limon thank you for your thoughtful post.

Maybe I should have discussed this with DH before we got married. I honestly do feel that my feelings about it all have only crystallised recently though. Maybe it's unfair to now move the goal posts.

I agree that time just DS and I is important. DH works in a Saturday so I do try to use this time to do things with DS.

You have to step up and confront your issues with communicating what you want. Being s people pleaser is a guaranteed way to securing a life of unhappiness.

I would genuinely advise showing your husband what you just written.

He clearly has issues to address around his parents - worrying about the last time he could be on holiday with them is not an issue in itself. But having that dominate his and your life CLEARLY is a therapy issue for him.

It's not unfair or moving goalposts at all :) things change! People change. Their needs change. Sometimes it takes time to start being honest with yourself about something bothering you, or maybe it's only now the novelty of in laws has worn off you're realising it's not for you.

Unless your vows stated something about seeing the in laws constantly you've not done anything wrong.

It might take a sensitive conversation from you for him to twig that he actually has his own family to prioritise now. Make it clear you're not trying to get him to see them less. Just that you won't always go with him. And that is there are limited funds you'd rather you sit together and decide on what type of holiday to go on rather than it being assumed you'll go to the family one.

Take one of DS's mates with you.

As Funny has said I'm beginning to realise that being a people pleaser can be a fast track to personal unhappiness, or unfulfillment certainly!

The problem is, I'm so used to it, and so good at it that it makes me more comfortable to go with the flow, than to forge my own path in my own direction.

However, when it impacts on DS I feel less comfortable about it. So on these family trips I end up tied in knots of pathetic people pleasing, mixed with guilt that DS is bored to tears and often ignored.

I don’t know anyone in a situation like this who had a happy marriage long term - it ends up being a massive point of resentment for the spouse. I know more than one marriage that has broken down due to stifling, overbearing extended families and you only have to look at the relationships board on here to see examples every week.

Your DH can spend time with his family - but he also has to realise that he has his own family now and to spend time with them is also very important. It’s hard for people who grow up on families like this to see how stressful and overbearing itvis to spend every bit of spare time with extended family.
I’ve had to put my foot down about it as our in laws monopolised ALL our family time and vacation in DSs first year. We literally were not left alone and it controbutedbsognificantly to my PND. They’d arrange to see us for a weekend then turn up several days early, sulk thatvwe were unable to spend time with them/working then leave several days after they said they would. They turned up on Valentine’s Day, our birthdays when we had told them we had things planned ... it was relentless. All about them and heir need for control. Any gentle pushback was met with epic tantrums. It was unbearable.

DH put his foot down and spoke to them about it - there were sulks and tears butvthings did improve

You HAVE to stop being a people pleaser. And you HAVE to put boundaries down. Otherwise what could be a long happy marriage will turn into festering resentment.

He loves his family dearly, and worries about the day he looses a parent- at the end of each holiday he feels tearful that it may be their last altogether.

StepMIL does this - she's 65 and goes on and on about how dreadful it will be when her parents die and how it might be the Last Christmas Ever, EVERY year. As someone who had her Last Christmas Ever with her mum 4 years ago I tend to smile politely and inwardly seethe - I find it so self-indulgent and drama llama-ish. I am a mean miserable person though

I'd talk to your DH about it - don't expect immediate acceptance as it's clearly normal for him, but it might make him more aware.

I'm so grateful for these thoughtful responses.

I'm finding all of this so hard. I don't think I have the bollocks to ask DH to put his new family first. I'm acutely aware that DS isn't his own son so DH's priorities are naturally slightly different to my own.

I also sometimes worry that I'm just trying to spoil DS by making the holiday more about him than it is currently. I don't think that- but I'm worried that DH's family think that. I don't trust myself.

They probably got into that kind of togetherness as felt they had to support parents with disabled ds. But now ye have your own life. I would go off my head if had to go on holidays with anyone. Could ye go the week before or the week after and overlap one or two days. Maybe say you are happy to have a weekend away altogether but would like the week to be alone. Ye need to bond together and holidays are such a lovely time for that. I wouldn't bring ds into it as he might then resent him. Make it about you and him and you building memories together. If you did a survey that would be most peoples idea of a nightmare so you don't need to doubt yourself.
Maybe his db who has disabilities could come to ye for the odd weekend so dh doesn't feel he is not supportive to his parents.

No child should feel ignored or excluded on a family holiday. If that’s what’s happening then you really do need to step up. Doesn’t really matter if he’s not DHs son - my stepfather never treated any of us differently - if you marry into a family all children are treated equally full stop.

Good idea not to bring DS I to it and maybe focus on me instead. The last thing I want DH is to do is to resent DS.

DS is the only younger child, the others are 14 and 18. So he is treated differently, and no one seems to think about him much. The 14 year old just completely disregards DS, this really upsets me and I wish his parents would encourage him to be nicer to DS but I know this is just me expecting too much from a typical teen.

June, great idea about BIL with SN visiting us. I've suggested it but I think I could be more encouraging maybe by suggesting a specific date....

What if making our own memories goes badly and DH has awful holiday? He works v v v hard, has little time off and deserves a holiday he'd enjoy- argh I'm going round in circles!

Jesus LaContessa - how dare she, in front of you?

Some people are so self-indulgent and lacking in self-awareness.

this is just me expecting too much from a typical teen.

No it isn't. I have a much older teen, and would expect him to involve your ds. In fact I wouldn't even need to ask him - he just would.

Lacontessa sorry I missed your post. That is very tough and incredibly self centred.

I find this obsession with 'it maybe being the last year with a parent' a little hard to get to grips with. Almost everyone dreads loosing a loved one, but it seems unusual to focus on it. DH is terribly upset about this at the end of every holiday.

Interestingly, his sister said the exact same thing last week whilst discussing holidays! She also said that apparently MIL was annoyed when she realised we were all considering a different holiday this year. That flicked a bit of a switch for me- until I remembered that the in laws paid for us all to go on holiday together last summer to celebrate an anniversary. Seems ungrateful to say that so for that, we are off on our own this year. Everyone but DS and I had a wonderful trip.

Yes, even if just for your DS, you need to sort this out. I stopped going to see a friend some years ago which involved my two kids and her two kids as one of her two boys always left out my DD and I just couldn't cope with it. It's fabulous your DH has a good relationship with his family and that family are important to him, but he needs a bit of a wake-up call that you have needs to as does your family unit.

Actually, that he doesn't also want that for himself, without you telling him/discussing it with him/pointing it out to him would appear to be slightly a bit of the same kind of thing his parents are doing so whether he realises it or not, I think a bit of their overbearing attitude has rubbed off on him. And they too are guilty for not giving you the space you need - Jesus - I wouldn't constantly try and force myself on my adult children when they have their own families. Course, it would be great to go on holiday with them and their children but it should't be a requirement!

But paying for things is a form of them controlling you all OP. It would be different if they were giving you the money to help towards your holiday costs but they aren't, it's specifically so that you are facilitated to do WHAT THEY WANT!

Stop worrying about what his family think. You can tie yourself up in knots worrying about that and never getting answers. Why can’t he go on his family holiday on his own and you and DS go to centerparcs or something or brighton (anything else). Very simple explanation “it’s very important I have quality one on one with my DS especially as he gets towards teenage years and I feel like I’m losing him. We will holiday together this year” you don’t all always have to do or like or go to the same things. His family. His holiday. Your family. Your holiday. No point everybody being unhappy and your DS isn’t their grandchild so they can’t really complain.

Ibiscuit really? That is interesting! I am keen not to be a pfb mum by thinking badly of the teen ignoring DS.

Teen is taking a friend this year, so interaction with DS will fit all time low.

I also think DS will be disappointed that he hasn't been able to bring a mate. This would be really hard for several reasons: no room in tent or Car, 10 feels a bit young to bring friend for 2 weeks, I worry massively about pressure to make sure friend is ok and having a good time.