Trying to unpick feelings towards new husbands very close family

[freshstart24]

Will try to keep it brief: Met DH 6 years ago, married last year. He is a wonderful man and I feel very lucky to have him in my life. I have one DS (10) from a previous really tricky relationship which ended 8 years ago.

My family are complicated, I love them dearly but by anyone's standards they are quite tricky people and both parents are on third marriages.

In contrast DH's family are v close. He has 2 siblings- one with two older teenage kids, and one brother with special needs who lives at home with their parents, but is capable of quite a bit of independence ( holds down manual job, can manage himself for a night and couple of days).

They have always spent a lot of time together. Sunday lunch most weeks, two or three ( ie all) holidays together. Lots of social events. Since we met the Sunday lunches are probably more like every other week, and holidays are two out of three together.

I like his family, but also find them difficult at times. They are louder, more opinionated and less considerate than me and I find myself shrinking in their presence. DH loves them dearly, his family values are something I love about him but I'm finding them increasingly overbearing.

We had considered holidaying just the three of us this year but it now looks like again we are all going camping in France. We were thinking of trying to save some money but this now looks less important and so we can do the usual family trip.

DH supports DS and I so much, deals positively and patiently with all the challenges of a full on 10 year old, and so I feel that I should compromise and go on this holiday without complaint. But a big part of me just wants to cry when I think about it.

I feel fed up of having to fit around all their family traditions. I feel DS and I get sidelined. 10 year old boys need different things to teens and old people, and this gets ignored. The teens ignore him completely, which I guess is normal- and I get veiled criticism for disappearing off with DS to relieve our cabin fever as if I'm spoiling him. I know it's important that DS doesn't feel the world revolves around him, but I feel they go too far and he is a bit ignored.

I'm a helpless people pleaser, so naturally prefer to go with the flow. But then DS ends up having to fit in too and we miss out on having fun together.

I feel so guilty and ungrateful about this as for the first couple of years I was just delighted to get a holiday and to be part of a family. Now I've changed my tune and maybe that is unreasonable.

I'm rambling, I know I need to talk to DH but I don't know where to start. He loves his family dearly, and worries about the day he looses a parent- at the end of each holiday he feels tearful that it may be their last altogether. I'm usually relieved that it's over!

What do you want from a holiday OP? That hasn't actually come through in any of your posts.You have spent 6 years pleasing your DH and now you want to please your son on holiday- what about you?

I will say this, I think you (necessarily) on a rocky path ahead. You have spent six years being someone to your DH , and are making yourself weaker and unhappier to please him.
You have spent six years doing something that he seems to love but are about to tell him you find almost un-bearable, and want it to stop.
You are potentially going to be exposing him to a different person than the one he has been living with for 6 years, unless he knows you are just doing everything to please him in which case that is a whole different problem you need to tackle

He is going to have to adjust, adjust to seeing less of some people he loves to make you happy.
He is going to have to adjust to how you have been communicating isn't how you are feeling. From what you have written my initial feelings are I might feel slightly deceived that you have all these feelings and wait until we are married to start unpicking everything that had been part of our relationship up until now.
You may have all the right reasons but I would suggest a lot of support in how you handle approaching this, and managing what will be some inevitable fall out.

Bean nope no way would the 14 year old take DS to the pool, kick a ball with him or offer to have a race round on their bikes. This is stuff DH or I do with him instead.

It has been made clear that teenagers like alone time in their caravan so younger children are to stay out. DS would do anything for 10 minutes in the caravan playing on a tablet with teenager.

We went skiing recently. DH's family as usual plus 2 or their family friend with teenage kids. They bought a games console and not once asked DS to join in. One of them did go sledging with him though and he was so pleased as was I.

Teenager even once asked me to make sure DS didn't interrupt his time playing footie with his dad as they were having some 'dad and son' time. I admit that stung and I was really upset- thought I was being precious though. Maybe not?

The teenager ignoring DS really gets to me and makes me feel stupidly sad. But I feel I am in danger of expecting too much from teenager- I'm certain DH's family would think that.

Teenager taking a mate was perhaps last straw for me when it comes to this holiday. I realise that I'm being stupid and that he has every right to take a mate- but in the context of DS always being left out it upset me.

Incy you make a very good point. I guess initially I didn't realise that this would always be the way things were. I anticipated things might change. Until o met DH I hadn't really ever been in holiday with DS so was just delighted to get away.

Also the sidelining of DS has become more pronounced as he has become the only younger child.

I have tried hard to show DH the real me. He knows what I enjoy in many ways. In terms of contact with his family I've made a hash of it.

Sometimes I am so busy trying to keep everyone happy I don't even think clearly about the truth of how I'm feeling.

I don't want to stop DH seeing his family. They are very important to him and he absolutely deserves to keep his close relationship and see plenty of them.

The ILs are definitely not into my type of family holiday.

Ime husbands want their wife and children to be happy more than anything. You seem to have lost your way and until you tactfully explain what you want to do on holidays it won't change. DH is going along with what he thinks you like, and what he knows his DM likes. He might be very grateful for a change for all you know.

I don’t know any teen who would behave like that, and if my own soon to be 14 year old did he would be in big trouble. He plays happily enough with his 11 year old brother, it’s not that big a deal.

I wouldn’t expect them to play together all the time, but it’s not ‘normal’ to be so rude.

I think you need to put your son first for the sake of his confidence and mental health. You can’t let him be mistreated and isolated within his own ‘family’. Or sacrificed to his SF’s obsessions.

If the family were very welcoming and treated him well, it’s just you found them annoying that would be one thing, but they’re actually being very unkind.

I get veiled criticism for disappearing off with DS to relieve our cabin fever as if I'm spoiling him.

This has got to stop. You should explain that you need to take time with your son particularly given how the family behave. Is your husband quite self centered? Does he compete with ds for attention? Why would he mind you doing stuff with your son?

You have to stand up for yourself and for DS.

Maybe suggest DH goes on a holiday with his family and you take DS on a separate holiday just the two of you, or could you take one of his friends?

Then he has to agree that the three of you will have a holiday together. Make it a long weekend at first if you are worried.

You really cannot go on as you are. I would be so stifled in a situation like this. If DH needs to spend every free hour with his family then off he goes but I don't see why you should have to be dragged along with DS when you could be having a nice time at home or elsewhere.

Tatiana apologies for confusing you- the criticism doesn't come from DH. He has no problem with me doing stuff with DS, it's the rest of the family who make snidely comments- out of earshot of DH. They are pretty subtle and DH thinks I worry too much.

He doesn't compete for my attention with DS, he knows that my priority is DS And that I have more than enough love for them both.

OK, then you have to develop a thicker skin and see far less of them. Who gives a shit what they say or what they think?

If they want to continue in their weird dynamic then fine, but you don't want to. You do not have to.

I agree with Tatiana above. That is unkind and excluding behaviour and in any group I went on holiday with the teenager would be told not to be so precious, and that time on their own would need to be balanced with time making the other child feel welcome. This is really not too much to ask.

As pinkbraces said earlier:

Instead of thinking how grateful/lucky you are that DH loves your son you should spin it round and think how damn lucky your DH is to have your son in his life.

This! Remind yourself that your DS is a great kid, one other people should be glad to have around, not some burden to be apologised for.

I have to disagree with many of the other posts. You speak a lot about 'veiled criticism' or being made to feel like a spendthrift yet it seems that none of this is being said explicitly, perhaps you are being a bit oversensitive and reading things into comments that aren't really there.

As for the issue with the 14 year old not wanting to play/spend time with your ten year old, what all the pp seem to be missing is that these two young people are not related in any way therefore it is not comparable to someone playing with a younger sibling or cousin. Despite the protestations of pp about their wonderfully kind and inclusive teenage children, I suspect the reality is that most 14 year olds wouldn't want to hang out with an unrelated 10 year old. You have an only child and in that situation the onus is on you and your partner to entertain him, not other people's children.

Lemons I am aware it's no one else's job to entertain DS. I dont expect anyone else to do that- but we are there as a family so it would be nice if we were more of a cohesive unit with DS and I included.

I don't expect the teenager to play with him. I would like him to give him the time of day.

He may not like him though, they may be very different types of people? The only thing they have in common is being closest in age and as I said before there is a big difference between 10 and 14. TBH it does sound like you expect the 14 year old to be including your DS not just giving him the time of day. If you like going off an climbing, kayaking etc then just get on and do that.

@lemonsandlimes123 I disagree. When we did things with our parents' friends, they often had children who were a few years younger or older than us. There's no way anyone would have got away with leaving out one child all the time. We weren't expected to play together constantly, but we would not have got away with what OP is describing.

OP, my ILs also do the driving in convoy thing ("In case anyone gets lost"). MIL will print out detailed maps, with the route drawn on - even though we all have sat nav. They also insist on everyone doing the same thing on holiday. If someone says "I think I'll go for a walk", other people will moan that they don't want to go... I'll be thinking "just stay behind, then", but they'll got into lengthy negotiations about a shorter walk, or waiting till after lunch or whatever.

I deal with it by cheerfully doing my own thing - "Oh, I saw a thing about a local castle I'd like to visit - I'm going at 2. Anyone want to come?". Then they either come at 2, or if they want to go later, I say "Maybe I'll see you there!" And go.

I said earlier to Google "enmeshment" - it might ring some bells for you.

apologies for confusing you- the criticism doesn't come from DH. He has no problem with me doing stuff with DS, it's the rest of the family who make snidely comments- out of earshot of DH

Ok, that’s good to hear. Have you told him?

They’re not blood relations, but they’re family relations.

I’ve been to loads of music camps with the children and all ages muck in together. Children don’t have to be related to be inclusive.

Swimming, kicking a ball around, Xbox, table tennis, table football - these are not age specific activities.

Tbh the family sound quite rude and gauche in general. I think that’s more where the problem lies.

i would say the teenager is copying the attitudes of his family, that the DS is not DH's son so not really family. Perhaps I'm reading too much into things but I cannot imagine for a minute the DH would tell the teen that he couldn't join in with him and DS kicking a ball about, as the teen did, as he is having father and son time with him. It's quite unpleasant behaviour.

I've only read the op.
Sounds like your husband is good and kind, BUT that doesn't mean you have to do everything he wants, or be consistent, or not have any needs.
To let yourself be a fully present adult , you can state your needs. Hell you can even be a bit unreasonable ( I'm not telling you to, just saying it's possible).
People who aren't perfect get love too you know, so talk this all through with your husband, and start stating what you want.

I've been a fully fledged people pleaser, so I know how hard it is. But the hardest but is getting started, then you'll get a taste for it!
If my current partner understood what a pleaser I've been he would fall of his chair, because I'm fully capable of digging my heels in now. If I can do it op, you can, I promise.

OP, I would think things over for a few days before approaching DH. And arrange to talk when you won't be interrupted.

Yes maybe I need to gather my thoughts before talking to DH. I'm struggling with it all though and it's making me feel emotional.

Sorry but my teenagers would involve another youngster if we were away with them on holiday.
You really need to talk to your DH. It very much sounds as if his family haven't welcomed you into the family but are "putting up" with you and DS in order to see DH. Does DH even know about their eye rolling when you go to do something with DS?

worry that I've already inadvertently caused DS to be the same as me. I'm ashamed to say I don't really know any other way of being, and so I've probably taught him without meaning to. At 10 it's maybe too late to undo it.

No it's not. Really, it's not. In fact as your DS gets older and has a better understanding of human interactions and emotions, it may even get easier!

The hardest thing you'll do as a parent is say "Fucking hell, this is so painful and I went through the same thing myself, but I'm going to work to make it so much easier for you."

It sounds as though it’s just assumed you’ll partake. So you go ahead and just assume you won’t. Get brochures for other holidays, find a few options that look good and fit in with school holidays etc and speak with DH about them. If he’s resistant, express surprise that you’re expected to do the same old boring holiday again. I can’t imagine anything worse than a return visit to a campsite year on year!!!

PILs tried to dominate our holidays when mine were little. We now live overseas. They even try it from the other side of the world, wanting to come over during all school holidays, not appreciating that that’s also the only time we get to spend as our own nuclear family unit. It’s incredibly rude of them and they will sulk too. And then there’s the offers of paying for our flights home if we go home for Xmas...

I am immune to them now. Get rude and say what you want!

Everything that Ohyesiam said.

You need to make a bit of space for yourself in this relationship op, if you know what I mean. You don't have to be tiptoeing around the edges of other people's lives- you and your ds are just as important as everyone else.

Stand firm - you can do this.

You are so much of a people pleaser you are putting your son behind your DH’s family. For goodness sake at least take a tablet for your DS to play with if he is expected to hang out with people that can’t even be bothered to speak to him. You are so worried about hurting their feelings if you dare go off and do some activities with your son that he might enjoy. Have you thought how your son is feeling being left out all the time. He didn’t marry into this family and he obviously isn”t treated as part of it.

Two weeks is far too long OP, dont wait until next year or the year after to go on a holiday you and your son would enjoy. If you can’t bring yourself to put your son first, who will?