Trying to unpick feelings towards new husbands very close family

[freshstart24]

Will try to keep it brief: Met DH 6 years ago, married last year. He is a wonderful man and I feel very lucky to have him in my life. I have one DS (10) from a previous really tricky relationship which ended 8 years ago.

My family are complicated, I love them dearly but by anyone's standards they are quite tricky people and both parents are on third marriages.

In contrast DH's family are v close. He has 2 siblings- one with two older teenage kids, and one brother with special needs who lives at home with their parents, but is capable of quite a bit of independence ( holds down manual job, can manage himself for a night and couple of days).

They have always spent a lot of time together. Sunday lunch most weeks, two or three ( ie all) holidays together. Lots of social events. Since we met the Sunday lunches are probably more like every other week, and holidays are two out of three together.

I like his family, but also find them difficult at times. They are louder, more opinionated and less considerate than me and I find myself shrinking in their presence. DH loves them dearly, his family values are something I love about him but I'm finding them increasingly overbearing.

We had considered holidaying just the three of us this year but it now looks like again we are all going camping in France. We were thinking of trying to save some money but this now looks less important and so we can do the usual family trip.

DH supports DS and I so much, deals positively and patiently with all the challenges of a full on 10 year old, and so I feel that I should compromise and go on this holiday without complaint. But a big part of me just wants to cry when I think about it.

I feel fed up of having to fit around all their family traditions. I feel DS and I get sidelined. 10 year old boys need different things to teens and old people, and this gets ignored. The teens ignore him completely, which I guess is normal- and I get veiled criticism for disappearing off with DS to relieve our cabin fever as if I'm spoiling him. I know it's important that DS doesn't feel the world revolves around him, but I feel they go too far and he is a bit ignored.

I'm a helpless people pleaser, so naturally prefer to go with the flow. But then DS ends up having to fit in too and we miss out on having fun together.

I feel so guilty and ungrateful about this as for the first couple of years I was just delighted to get a holiday and to be part of a family. Now I've changed my tune and maybe that is unreasonable.

I'm rambling, I know I need to talk to DH but I don't know where to start. He loves his family dearly, and worries about the day he looses a parent- at the end of each holiday he feels tearful that it may be their last altogether. I'm usually relieved that it's over!

It's hard to not end feeling just incredibly grateful when you meet someone and you have a child, I've been there and you really need to switch your thinking. Your DH is lucky as well and I'm sure he wouldn't expect you to tread on eggshells around him because he is good with your son.

IMO holidays are all about the children and making memories, so you're not being pfb at all!! Maybe the teenager (who should have been made to be more friendly to your son imo), bringing a friend will give you more of an excuse to go off and do your own thing - "DS doesn't have a friend to play with so we are off out for the day etc".

It's ok to want your own holiday, I do too and nothing to feel bad about.

Could you compromise and have a week with family then a week to yourselves to break it up? Or, just say no, you want a change this year - not easy to do but your DH might surprise you with his response?

I think it depends on how you plan to have the conversation with him.

You could say it in two ways...

Firstly, in a way that makes him feel you don't like his family, you haven't enjoyed the holidays, you think his family hate you, you think they are inconsiderate of DS, it's causing you great anxiety, you think he needs therapy, you've been afraid of telling him, you don't want to go....

That will probably make for a very long and drawn out conversation.

Or you could say...listen love, I've got a bit of a confession to make, I'm not sure I'm really into the idea of doing this again, two weeks is a long time. It's a bit difficult because I worry about DS, but also I really don't want to offend your family and I don't want you to miss out.

I don't know him obviously, but I can't really see him doing anything other than reassuring you on some points, helping you think of ways to ensure you and DS get the best out of the holiday and between you maybe even compromising on how long you 3 or maybe even just you and DS go for.

And TBH, if he reacts any differently, it probably is more of a DH issues than a DH's family issue.

Also, this may sound harsh but do you really want your son (as well as you) looking back and saying, I bloody hated those holidays.....

Exactly what SunnyNights said. We had some bloody horrendous caravanning holidays when we were younger, we laugh about them now.

But at the end of the day, we were with our family. Your DS has no ties to these people, no love for them, and they're not exactly trying to bond with him. It must feel quite lonely for him, to be around so many adults who haven't much time for him and he's just waiting for the times you take him away from it all.

Surely, your DH would be able to see it from your son's eyes?

Sunny glad it's just me feeling cringe-worthily grateful. I know it's silly, but it's hard to cubs my thinking. I never thought I'd be this lucky and it's hard to accept its real sometimes.

Dolores I hadn't thought about approaching it along the lines of your second suggestion- would make for a less emotionally battering conversation.

YABU because you've got a ring on your finger and changed your tune. You've had 6 years to acknowledge this issue.

I think it would be unfair to your DH to try and stop the closeness of the family.

Also a great point about DS not having the family bond with the people we are with. Pulling together in adversity is bonding sometimes, but doesn't feel so in this case.

DH's family haven't made much of an effort with DS tbh. It was less noticeable when all the kids were younger, but now their blood related kids are young adults it seems more obvious that there is little effort with DS other than by DH and I.

It's very subtle, maybe it's unintentional. He's a lovely boy though, easily pleased and great fun- it's not hard to make his eyes light up and get some interaction.

Joining them for part of the week could be tricky. The campsite is decided and is a very very long drive , DH and his sister are keen that we all help the Inlaws with the caravan towing element. So they intend to travel in convoy. Sigh!

I will tackle this though. I am determined. If we go on this holiday it will be on the understanding that DS and I (with or workout DH) look for some fun most days without being made to feel bad. I'll also ask that next year we do something different.

Positive I did expect more responses along those lines tbh.

freshstart

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, who taught you to people please?. People do fear rejection but this and your intense people pleasing behaviours here are very much connected.

Typically, the intense need to please and care for others is deeply rooted in either a fear of rejection and/or fear of failure. The Fear of Rejection here is the underlying feeling that, “If I don’t do everything I can to make this person happy they might leave or stop caring for me.”

Fear of Rejection can come from early relationships in which love was conditional or in which you were rejected/abandoned by an important person in your life (parent left or was emotionally unavailable or inconsistently available).

freshstart

re your comment:-
"I will tackle this though. I am determined. If we go on this holiday it will be on the understanding that DS and I (with or workout DH) look for some fun most days without being made to feel bad. I'll also ask that next year we do something different".

If you do indeed follow through with this, that would be fab for you and for your son. He cannot afford to and must not go down the people pleasing path that you were led down in childhood.

It's such a loaded issue though fresh, and it obviously means a lot for lots of reasons.

If DH was your DS's dad and you were in this from the beginning, you'd probably have already said all this years ago, in no uncertain terms.

I have a DD and a DP (probably for not that long for unrelated reasons) who is not her dad, so I understand the gratitude as well. But most step-parents don't expect gratitude, they work on their relationship with their step child - and I think this situation could affect their relationship...? It would be a concern of mine.

You used to be a family of two...then a family of 3...then suddenly a family who goes on holiday with all these people who are not very nice to DS. That could cause resentment. Your DH needs to work in DS's interests too.

Atilla I'm had a few tricky things to deal with as a child which fit the bill.

At the risk of starting a pity party:
Dad left mum for her best friend when I was 4. Mum fell apart. Mum was judgey and critical to me thoroughly my childhood. She had alcohol and anger issues and if I disappointed her I felt her wrath- be it by rejection, screaming, beating me or threading to kill her self.

I became very good at keeping her happy. She had a partner for a while and things improved a bit, he left when I was 15 and my mum fell apart and things got worse than ever.

Dad's new wife hated me. She needed him to choose between us and he chose her. Thins were fine if I toed the line and was a good girl. So I did, and I new my place.

I made several bad relationship decisions, but after having DS I began to realise that there were different ways to be in a relationship and that most of the things that happened to me as a child were not my fault.

I left DS's dad when he was 2, and focussed on him. Got to know myself better, and life improved.

Met DH and realised my 'normal' was not normal at all. He has been a rock whilst letting me be me and life is so much better.

So to answer tor question being a people pleaser served me well for a long time. I'm not blaming my parents, I know only I can fix this and that there is hopefully a way to do that.

"I made several bad relationship decisions, but after having DS I began to realise that there were different ways to be in a relationship and that most of the things that happened to me as a child were not my fault".

Not most, all. Your parents, particularly your mother, let you down abjectly as a child. Small wonder therefore you're a people pleaser, you were trained by her in particular to become such. She has done you an awful lot of emotional harm but the good news here is that this can be undone through therapy. Therapy is neither easy nor a quick fix and you may feel worse before you feel better but putting investment in you is worth it.

He has been a rock whilst letting me be me and life is so much better

A DH like that wouldn't expect you to just tow the line like your parents made you do. He wants you to be happy too - this is definitely something you can work together on to compromise.

I think it's great that you've got to a point where you're prepared to put yourself and your DS first - in a nice way of course, but one step at a time

Thanks Atilla, I have started therapy. It has felt good to tell someone and to have her reassurance that it wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it.

She has helped me to see how that has made me a people pleaser and to have a very critical inner voice.

I've not reached the part where I can know how to change myself though. I hope I can change.

I worry that I've already inadvertently caused DS to be the same as me. I'm ashamed to say I don't really know any other way of being, and so I've probably taught him without meaning to. At 10 it's maybe too late to undo it.

I have never lifted a finger to him though, rarely ever raise my voice, try to show him he is loved unconditionally and that he is perfect just the way he is.

Glorious DH really does want me to be happy. It is a great albeit it unusual feeling. I feel safe and loved.

Doesn't stop me from having the need to please him too- but I'm working on that.

Maybe as I feel safe in my marriage I am realising that I'm not happy always being the people pleaser!

Sorry to hear your relationship has become tricky

Freshstart

You are a far better parent to your son than either of your parents were ever to you. That is indeed to your credit as is you starting therapy also. One step at a time indeed.

Your son's life with you to date has importantly been far more stable than yours was when you were that age and younger. This will help him too become a well adjusted and rounded person as an adult.

What happened to you was not your fault, you were but a child. The adults in your life at that time let you down abjectly. They should be the ones hanging their heads in shame here, they did you great harm.

Would it help to also think about it from their point of view and how much they are not taking your and your son’s feelings into consideration? It is quite selfish of them to just insist you come along and do things their way. Where is the consideration for your feelings
And those of your son?

Why are they making you feel bad if you want to go and do things that are fun for you and your son? It makes them sound insecure somehow that they just want you with them even if it’s not fun for you/your son.

Your husband should want you to be happy and shouldn’t want you going along with these holidays if they aren’t so enjoyable? If he is likely to be upset if you raise the issue whose feelings is he concerned about. It does sound like he has issues around his parents.

What about what your son wants to do on holiday? You've mentioned lots about how you need to plan for him but at 10, he can input into that and create a plan, your DH can then be involved too.

In you situation, I'd join them for the second week and go somewhere else en route for the first week, to do some of those things kiddo wants to do (not to avoid them) and then joining for the second week where you can do more group orientated activities.

*Atilla
*
Thank you. It helps me to hear that.

I want to change so I can help DS be different and also try to live my life my way.

I somehow didn't realise how bad things had been until I had DS. I was over 30 at point and had sort of buried it all which is strange.

Since starting therapy I'm re-remembering stuff that I'd not thought about, and realising that there are no acceptable reasons for beating or neglecting a child.

DH knows about it but I don't think he really understands how bad it was.

Sorry, I've veered a long way off the point if the thread.

Your son will be fine, 10 isn't too late.

I think it would be good for him, if you do go on the holiday, and you and him are off out to something fun, and somebody says something like 'what off out again?' and you act like you really couldn't give a shit, because you want to go and have a nice time with him.

And you can both giggle about it together. And he'll see he's more important than pleasing people.

Llama I think they just don't consider that anyone might not want to be different to them. They expect us to go with the flow- but it's their flow.

At the crux of it they care about themselves and what they want much more than they care about DS.

They want to do everything together. It does not occur to them that I might feel differently.

I think also they think I landed to DS and that he should be content to enjoy things their way.

Dolores it would be WONDERFUL if I could genuinely feel like that when the eyebrows shoot up when we go off for an adventure. But until then I shall just fake it!

I

People pleasing wears you down in the end. You risk developing bad anxiety issues. Please just speak up. Until you start to explain yourself and your feelings DH has not a chance of understanding.

It isn't normal for the 14 year old to ignore the 10 year old if no one else is around. Surely he'll kick a ball about with DS or go to the pool with him. Stop acting as if DS is a nuisance for everyone, he's an asset whom most people would have fun with and who adds to the fun of the holiday, not a burden. I'm a GM and I can happily kick a ball or play frisby. It's the rest who are the problem not your family.