Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To resent my boyfriend due to his career choice?

124 replies

Katiekiara · 02/03/2018 19:24

When i first met him, he worked in an office, he was doing well and i presumed he would remain in that kind of environment. As the relationship went on, his boredom of the work place was evident and several jobs later I find myself writing this. His latest job is one I am not at all happy with, he is now a doorman at bars/clubs. He accepted two jobs yesterday so he is bound to get a lot of work and im happy that he is perusing something he is interested in. However I am not an idiot, my boyfriend is ridiculously good looking, im not saying that because I am biased either, I see girls look at him and he has got with a lot of girls before me. Even his interviewer yesterday said as one of his good qualities before hiring him that he is attractive. I just can't stand the thought of me sleeping in bed at night whilst my boyfriend is out in a club getting hit on by girls thinking its cute to flirt with the bouncer -I've seen plenty in my lifetime- It just makes me sad. I dont want this to break us up at all, I just can't help but have a stereotype of how a lot of bouncers are that ive came across and how the girls have been with them. AIBU or do I have a right to be a bit upset by the idea of it?

OP posts:

Catherine0201 · 03/03/2018 07:25

@Skarossinkplunger I don’t think he will do that, like i have said so many times I just don’t like the idea of him being in a job where girls throw themselves at him (I’ve witnessed this in clubs myself) that alone is my problem because it makes me feel uncomfortable thinking how many girls will try it each weekend with my man, I know he will say no.

SouthWestmom · 03/03/2018 07:32

Op, name change mid way?

Catherine0201 · 03/03/2018 07:37

My name is Catherine, first name Katie is just for short. Would prefer to have just my first name than my first and middle name for privacy reasons. Not that it’s entirely relevant

SouthWestmom · 03/03/2018 07:39

It's relevant because it's weird to change your user name half way through and also the way people have it set up half your posts will be highlighted and half won't.
I don't care what your name is in RL

OliviaBenson · 03/03/2018 07:42

I'm sorry for your losses. But I do think they baby thing is relevant. You are very vulnerable and in need of stability. Meanwhile he's off looking for jobs with 'action'

The job, hrs etc aren't particularly compatible with family life either. How old are you both?

I wouldn't like it op. You need to think about whether this is a dealbreaker for you.

The name change comments are that you are posting under a different name from the start of the thread, not regarding the actual name. It makes it difficult to see you.

Olicity17 · 03/03/2018 07:51

Just text my best friends brother. I asked him how he would feel if his daughter was dating a door man. His response was 'i would be really concerned'. He was a door man for 16 years until recently.

But i think what stands out to me most in this thread isnt the job itself. Op you have been ttc with this man. He keeps switching jobs, you have no idea how much he is getting paid or really whats going on. He has an eventual plan to join the army, ehy doesnt he just join now.

It comes across as though he is still living his life and making decisioms as though he is still single. I am getting divorced, but when with dh (the father of my kids) no way would he have just kept switching jobs without us talking about the hours (and what impact that would have on us) and pay (and how that impacts us). Jumping from job to job, until he joins the army, isnt ideal.

How are you going to feel if he joins the army and is away alot? Are you on board with his eventual plan?

brewsandbooks · 03/03/2018 08:16

I agree with previous poster that said a good guy would never cheat and bad guy could cheat anywhere that is true and it sounds like you trust him and he's a good guy.

But I do understand your worries if in your area, shagging doormen is a norm.

When I was younger I had two friends and it was their mission on a night out to pull a bouncer I guess it's because they was young and they seen that these men had a status, but that's a guess to me.

Unfortunately you can't stop him getting hit on and I'm sure with time you would see he's not going to run off shagging and you will relax with the situation even more.

My concern would be the need off action I had an ex and he just couldn't give up going out scene and that didn't end well.

Angelf1sh · 03/03/2018 08:39

Op you can’t make him quit that job and I do think it’s unreasonable to ask. You’ve told him your concerns and he is still doing the job so that’s that. Your choice now is either to put up with it or end the relationship because his job is up to him. I’m sure you’d resent being told by him to quit a job if the roles were reversed and you weren’t doing anything wrong.

BT5457 · 03/03/2018 09:08

I am a man and know lots of men. Men are more likely to cheat the more opportunities they get. Good looking and in a job where there will be lots of female attention is obviously a dangerous combination but some of those men will not cheat. Whether you trust someone is immaterial. A lot of my friends wives trust them but it doesn’t stop them!

Ubercorn87 · 03/03/2018 09:12

I am a man and know lots of men. Men are more likely to cheat the more opportunities they get

People you mean?

A lot of my female friends cheat. Not always full sex but kissing, touching, sexting etc.

People cheat- mean AND women.

Theycallmepheobe · 03/03/2018 09:19

YY to BT5457. Opportunity is a major factor in cheating. It’s naive to say I know my dh/dp wouldn’t. Some genuinely wouldn’t but a lot would if they could get away with it. I wouldn’t stay with someone in this type of role.

Fruitcocktail6 · 03/03/2018 09:38

The doorman I know do do it for the pay.
Our head doorman was on £12ph.

Is that's a lot of money for evening job?

LimonViola · 03/03/2018 09:50

For PP wondering the appeal of a bouncer versus an Aldi checkout operator...

It's the perceived power. A doorman gets to make the decisions on who he does and doesn't let in to a building with perceived value. Makes the decision to throw people out. For some women that is very appealing.

Also the whole bad boy thing, some women are attracted to physical strength and machismo. To them, the idea that a guy can handle himself in a fight and protect others is very attractive.

Bouncers have a kind of status, as evidenced by PP who point out how often they get come onto and flirted with. Some women like that.

It isn't something I'm into but in a world where serial killers in prison are overrun with letters from women and marriage proposals it's one of the lesser difficult social phenomena to understand with a bit of thought!

Also to PP saying that they don't understand why doormen are seen as being at risk of being hit on anymore than someone in an office, it's partly due to alcohol so decreased inhibitions from their customers, and also that many people who go clubbing are there to hook up. If you're near the end of the night, drunk, inhibitions lowered, you're likely to make a move on anyone attractive at that point. And a sober, good looking doorman that feeds into the whole 'he can protect me' narrative suddenly seems like a good choice.

Obviously it's down to him whether he accepts.

SlackPanther · 03/03/2018 10:02

From his employers comments it sounds as if being attractive is an attribute of the job. I daresay many people feel uncomfortable having their partner used as a sexual object to drum up custom / manage a crowd.
His focus is in action, getting away in the army, making adventures for himself, not on making a home life. So with his focus set, hsvjng sexual adventures doesn’t sound that unlikely, does it?
It is a perversely difficult job to have pro-actively chosen for someone in a relationship, being out evenings and into tne early hours of the morning, 5 and 6 am etc. Affecting your social life and together time now and really not great if you have a baby.

Many people work anti-social hours to support their families. He has deliberately chosen to do it for thrills and giggles.

He is your problem, not the job.

user1486956786 · 03/03/2018 10:12

Stopped reading many of the responses as so ridiculous. I can definitely understand your concerns - both with antisocial hours and the girls. The only thing you can do is see how it goes. He knows your concerns, keep quiet and give it a go.

If you can't handle it then you know what to do but at least you didn't stop him and at least you gave it your best shot! Good luck

louise5754 · 03/03/2018 12:08

It's a difficult one. 100 women could say their bouncer partner cheated it doesn't mean yours will and vise versa.

Could he not do security at events / arenas where he won't have as much interaction with the customers?

Poshsausage · 03/03/2018 12:14

This os difficult op I do understand . I was a barmaid for years and worked with lots of doormen and the majority were lovely blokes but there was a dark side before long they mostly all got involved in drugs it started off as a way to cope with the tiredness of working a day job as well as nights . Most of them it was a second job for not their main and they did it for the fun and extra money . Sorry of this has added any extra worry it was just the way it was .lots were in relationships and faithful lots were single and happy to play about . It was a while ago now so perhaps the culture has changed since then . Sorry not read all the replies .

DenPerry · 03/03/2018 12:35

I usually post on these threads that you either trust him or you don't.. I could trust DP to be around a naked woman. But reading these posts about bouncers... I never realised it was so rife. It seems to be part of the lifestyle.

LimonViola · 03/03/2018 12:40

It worried me he wants to do it for 'the action', tbh. Does he enjoy violence?

BT5457 · 03/03/2018 13:48

I am sure they do Uber but I don’t really get involved with what women do. I see with my own eyes what men do, particularly when the opportunity presents itself. A man (married/partnered up) can go from having a drink and a laugh with his mates on a lads trip to sleeping with someone an hour later then getting up for breakfast in the morning having forgotten all about it. I’m not sure too many women are as clinical as that. There are zero feelings involved for most men who do this on a whim. It only happened because the opportunity was presented. I’m sure a lot of women get lots of offers too and take some of those offers up. However as far as temptation goes, a bouncer has to be up there with one of the jobs where lots of offers are going to come along. If 300 women go in a club, there is a good chance some of them are going to fancy the good looking bouncer and a few will make it clear. Not saying he will but he will get more opportunity in that type of job.

MsGameandWatching · 03/03/2018 14:15

A man (married/partnered up) can go from having a drink and a laugh with his mates on a lads trip to sleeping with someone an hour later then getting up for breakfast in the morning having forgotten all about it. I’m not sure too many women are as clinical as that. There are zero feelings involved for most men who do this on a whim.

I'm sorry but I do agree with this. I've worked in male dominated environments and also in many bars and clubs over the years and seen this over and over again.

OrangeCrush19 · 03/03/2018 22:43

OP - I’ve read the whole thread and I’m really sorry but I don’t understand what you’re worried about? If you’re absolutely 100% positive he won’t cheat on you, why does it matter who hits on him or how many times he gets chatted up? Don’t mean to sound snarky, I just don’t get it. What is it you’re actually worried about?

It’s obviously causing you stress at a time you really don’t need it. I’m so sorry for your losses

mogratpineapple · 03/03/2018 22:57

There are opportunities for sex at work everywhere if that's what you're into. I was a teacher and loads of them were banging away after school, break time. and so on. Ok, not most of them but quite a few. Same in most places I've worked. If that's the way you are, you will find an opportunity. Doorman is great if you are that way. But not everyone is. Only you can decide if your bf is that way. If you can't live with the idea then this relationship isn't for you.

Olicity17 · 04/03/2018 08:27

There are opportunities for sex at work everywhere if that's what you're into

This is true. I worked in an office where quite a few people used the meeting rooms to have sex. However, i didnt want to work in the culture. I left and found an office where having sex during your shift wasnt common place. It wasnt that difficult.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5