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Original poster

To resent my boyfriend due to his career choice?

124 replies

Katiekiara · 02/03/2018 19:24

When i first met him, he worked in an office, he was doing well and i presumed he would remain in that kind of environment. As the relationship went on, his boredom of the work place was evident and several jobs later I find myself writing this. His latest job is one I am not at all happy with, he is now a doorman at bars/clubs. He accepted two jobs yesterday so he is bound to get a lot of work and im happy that he is perusing something he is interested in. However I am not an idiot, my boyfriend is ridiculously good looking, im not saying that because I am biased either, I see girls look at him and he has got with a lot of girls before me. Even his interviewer yesterday said as one of his good qualities before hiring him that he is attractive. I just can't stand the thought of me sleeping in bed at night whilst my boyfriend is out in a club getting hit on by girls thinking its cute to flirt with the bouncer -I've seen plenty in my lifetime- It just makes me sad. I dont want this to break us up at all, I just can't help but have a stereotype of how a lot of bouncers are that ive came across and how the girls have been with them. AIBU or do I have a right to be a bit upset by the idea of it?

OP posts:
Helpimfalling · 02/03/2018 22:18

So sorry what your going through

I'm not cut out for my DP working the door I'm to paranoid jealous etc

You can either deal with it or you can't

I wouldn't be able too

ShiftyMcGifty · 02/03/2018 22:22

It’s been a long time but... what does he mean by “action”?

Being in an office is boring but opening and closing a door to let people enter a club is action-packed?

It’s about the people queued up and potential conversations, isn’t it? That’s the exciting bit of the job. So yeah. Confused

clumsyduck · 02/03/2018 22:28

Hmm tough one my experience when I used to actually go out a lot was that a lot of doormen were very flirty !
But then my closest male friend is a doorman and he is 100 percent not like that at all! Infact he is really quite shy . He's single right now but I would lay every penny i had that when he does finally get into a serious relationship he wouldn't be the type to cheat at all

Confused24 · 02/03/2018 22:31

I used to work in pubs/clubs and in all honesty most door men were happily married with families who were very polite and good to have a laugh with. Very few did it for the female attention, most did it for the money and the fact that no day was the same and they could have a laugh. Very rarely in my experience were there any issues. Yes some women flirt to try and get let in or because they find a guy attractive but that’s the same in most jobs. I work in an office now and there is one young guy that never gets left alone! It’s quite embarrassing really! I found the male barmen got targeted way more than the doormen no matter how good looking they were and the poor sod in my office gets more than any barman or doorman I ever worked with

PrimalLady · 02/03/2018 23:00

This is your issue. Please ignore the posters insisting that a job in security = serial cheat/womaniser/whatever.

The guy I'm seeing has recently started the same job. He got the job because he had the relevant license already (from doing a different security job) and he's damned good at diffusing situations, even fairly violent ones.

He's the most gentle and loyal person I know.

He does get women drunkenly making g suggestions. We laugh about it. Especially sweet old ladies who get shitfaced merrily drunk and start gushing about his lovely smile.

This thread has actually annoyed me. Th y deal with some of the worst people on a night out, I've had doormen spend hours ensuring I was safe during the course of my own job, make sure I've gotten home safe. No, there was no random shagging. Most of them spent time chatting about their wives or girlfriends to me. I've never seen anyone cop off with a doorman in the manner you describe.

And if it does happen then that's down to the person and sod all to do with the job. He's either the kind of man who will respond to that or he isn't. I wouldn't be with the former in the first place.

Chippyway · 02/03/2018 23:12

I can understand where you coming from. The thing is though OP you do sound insecure. If your boyfriend is ridiculously good looking as you said he is, he will have girls flirt with him and try it on where ever he goes. Gym, pub, bars etc. He doesn’t have to be a bouncer for that to happen!

A lot of women will probably try it on with him for free entry etc - but if he’s a decent person he will turn them down. If he doesn’t, you’ll be well rid

I know a prison officer who used to do door work. He said if anything it made him realise he cannot stand drunk women and doesn’t find it attractive. He said out of all the fights and abuse he receives most of it is from women.

At the end of the day you either trust him or you don’t. I’m afraid your partner could work from home and you’d still find something to be insecure about even then

Either accept this is his job (for now) or leave.

PeterRabbitWasHere · 02/03/2018 23:15

I do not believe that sober women offering sex to doormen is a regular thing at all. I mean lets get real - it's a low status relatively low paid job. The kind of woman offering sex around in a night club for personal gain is far more like to be targeting footballers in a VIP area than a doorman to get in a club.

So to me that means that 99.9% of women engaged in the 'offering yourself to the doorman' activity are going to be drunk. The doorman has to be sober. Personally, I'd have more of an issue with a man taking advantage of a drunk woman for sex than I would with the sex aspect of it generally. Bad character.

PrimalLady · 02/03/2018 23:23

So to me that means that 99.9% of women engaged in the 'offering yourself to the doorman' activity are going to be drunk. The doorman has to be sober. Personally, I'd have more of an issue with a man taking advantage of a drunk woman for sex than I would with the sex aspect of it generally. Bad character

I came back to say this basically too.

Original poster
Katiekiara · 02/03/2018 23:30

I feel like this post has gone off topic and naturally people have interpreted what I’ve said in their own way. I do not doubt that doormen do a good job, I just know a lot that I have encountered in my town have hit on me or my friends (not all) and I have seen a lot of girls hit on them. The issue was that I didn’t want my boyfriend being hit on each night by girls throwing themselves at him as it just made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Not suggesting that boyfriend would go off with a drunk girl or whatever, I trust him

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 02/03/2018 23:48

If you trust him then what is the point of your thread? People hit on all sorts of people REGARDLESS of their relationship status.

JoJoSM2 · 03/03/2018 00:01

More like you're trying to convince yourself that you trust him... while actually being very insecure and not trusting him deep down.

coffeeX10 · 03/03/2018 00:07

I’m sorry for what you’re going through OP, I had 3 miscarriages in 2014 and an ectopic 10 years before that too, hormonally that won’t be helping your insecurities Flowers be kind to yourself.

With regards to your question, I wouldn’t be happy either because I think you’re right you’d hardly get to see one another. However I think the way I’d deal with it would be to see how the first week goes and take it as it comes, he may even decide it’s not right for him anyway, especially if he isn’t getting to see you.

I think it’s unfair to say would women throw themselves at an Aldi cashier, well no I would imagine that 99% of women don’t do that but by the same logic theyre not in Aldi drunk are they, with very little inhibitions. I’ve seen women urinate in the street outside my friends pub when drunk, I’m sure they wouldn’t do that in Aldi or when sober either so it’s unfair to compare the two to make out that it’s absurd that women might flirt with hot men who are being paid to be polite to them and aren’t the drunken blokes inside the pub/club.
I would imagine it to be a very small number of women tho OP so try not to worry.

yetmorecrap · 03/03/2018 00:13

Being honest, it says a Lot about some women today too. I've never known so many girls and women who to be frank act like total tarts , and I don't mean girl power , I mean , total tarts!!! I have no idea why, are they all desparate?? because no disrespect OP but if I was single I would set my sights higher than this or not bother, so yes I do see why you are cheesed off. I know it's a job but I would steer clear

sleepinggiraffe · 03/03/2018 00:18

You're vulnerable. You're going through a really shitty time Thanks

And to top this shitty time your bf has given you one more thing to stress about

I think you resent him for giving you something you COULD worry about right at this moment? When ideally he would be minimising your stress not adding to it?

Who knows re doormen. I wouldn't be able to date one as I would be insecure. On the other hand if I was dating someone who became one... but I trusted them... its not that easy to walk away when you've got no evidence they're going to be unfaithful but you can still feel uncomfortable about their job choice

If it really makes you unhappy, if he's a committed trustworthy partner and cares about the impact it has on you... surely he will notice and perhaps be thinking of finding a different form of security job e.g. Shop security? PCSO? In a short time in order to save his relationship?

MsGameandWatching · 03/03/2018 00:24

I used to manage teams of door men. Most not all but definitely most were unfaithful to their long term partners and wives. However I did employ some who were very flirty as part of the job but that's as far as it went.

I think it's unkind to tell you to get a grip and to dismiss your fears as a few have done on here. I wouldn't like it either, not one bit and that's directly because of my experience of the many doormen I employed and came across.

MsGameandWatching · 03/03/2018 00:25

I do not believe that sober women offering sex to doormen is a regular thing at all.

It is.

TwentySmackeroos · 03/03/2018 00:31

I think sleepinggiraffe makes a very good point. You've been through an awful turmoil Flowers and some stability, company and comfort would really help you right now. The unsociable hours will not help you.

CthulhuInDisguise · 03/03/2018 00:32

DH has a door supervisor licence - he does a security job in an office but the licence is provided as part of the job. He has done occasional door work to earn extra money if we have been skint but he has ruled it out now completely more because of the threat of violence than anything else. That would be my main worry.

Having said that, in my youth I dated a bouncer who had the gift of the gab (most of them do). There was a definite culture of sex with customers and an expectation that each night, they would get laid if not by the same girl by a random. It wasn't just about free entry to the club but there was kudos for knowing the doormen and definitely a status for shagging them. I was 17 and felt very sophisticated for having a casual sexual relationship with a 30 year old guy with a silver tongue, huge cock and sexy eyes. I know now he was using me for sex - he got me to introduce him to my mates who he shagged and told me about, but they saw me as his main girl. Man, I regret that period in my life because I lost my virginity to him as well. I've only slept with 2 other people since. Anyway that was to answer the pp who asked what women see in bouncers.

RockinHippy · 03/03/2018 00:38

YABVU & need to get your head out of your backside. As above you either trust him, or you don't. End of.

When DH was my BF, he did various things, still does occasionally. This included Photographer (sometimes fashion & glamour), Roady, model, DJ etc. By your reckoning I should have dumped him because I obviously couldn't trust him around all of those wanton women throwing themselves at him. How bloody daft. I trusted him, because he was trust worthy & I'm just not that insecure. How ridiculous

Howlongtilldinner · 03/03/2018 03:30

In my experience (I’m old now) I found that ‘bouncers’ are so far up their own arses, I don’t know how any woman could be attracted to themHmm

They know the position of authority (power) they are in, and use it. Never seen a jolly one, just moody ‘don’t even think about messing with me’ looking.

The above is based purely on my observations only.

I wouldn’t be happy with this job for the reasons you state, and also the safety aspect.

You’re NBU, you are saying how you feel, and that is uncomfortable. Speak to him to try and resolve things, otherwise you’ll be unhappy for a long long time..

Catherine0201 · 03/03/2018 07:10

@RockinHippy you’ve totally misunderstood. For the 50th time, I trust my boyfriend I just feel slightly uncomfortable him being in a job that makes him more of a target for girls to hit on because the idea of that alone makes me feel uncomfortable. Like I said, I’m sure if I all of a sudden started working as a hostess in a club, more than likely I would start getting hit on by men, just because I’m in the environment where people are drunk, rowdy and more confident. The problem isn’t that he would go off with other women -although from what a lot of people have said on here that is common- I trust him, the problem for me is that I just dislike the idea of him being in an environment where it’s a lot more likely to happen

Catherine0201 · 03/03/2018 07:11

All I wanted to know is given the circumstances AIBU for having reservations and it initially making me feel a bit unhappy

Catherine0201 · 03/03/2018 07:13

Can I just make clear when I say “a lot more likely to happen” I’m referring to drunk girls throwing themselves at my boyfriend

Bananmanfan · 03/03/2018 07:21

I feel for you, op, but you either trust him (i.e. don't interrogate him everytime he gets home),and get on with your life together or, you end the relationship.

Skarossinkplunger · 03/03/2018 07:22

If you don’t trust your boyfriend to go to work and not have sex with other women your relationship is over.

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