Should I tell my boyfriend that my dad is autistic?

[strawberries98]

Hi everyone,

I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years now and planning on getting engaged and married this year and having kids. However, he hasn't met any of my family yet.

My dad has undiagnosed autism/Aspergers. A few of the men on my dad's side have it. The females don't have it.

Am I obliged to tell my boyfriend that my dad might have autism? I feel like I want to tell him so he can understand me and my family better. It is difficult to get along with my dad, and so far I have pretended that my family is just normal. However, I am worried if I say that he will think I have bad genes and might pass it along to our children. If I should have kids with autism I don't want him and his family to think that the genes are from me. should i just keep my mouth shut?

Thank you!

How come you have been together that long and he hasn’t met them?

How sure are you that he is autistic? Especially without a diagnosis

My dad was 'unusual', 'eccentric' struggled socially etc - I was very little when I noticed my daddy was a bit different to the other daddies. I never made the connection with my dad's uniqueness and autism until my ds2 was referred and eventually diagnosed with HFA (formerly known as Aspergers) - and ds1 is awaiting assessment too. I did tell dp about my dad's quirks, but just let them get on with it. Dp and my dad got on OK, and when my dad's mental health deteriorated (crashed and burned, more like), dp was kind and helpful.

Being born in 1946, my dad was also undiagnosed, but it was obvious that he fitted the profile of being on the spectrum.

The point I'm trying to make is that, if your family has a number of members on the spectrum then any children you have may also be on the spectrum somewhere. Knowledge is power and if you are looking to start a family with this guy I would suggest have a conversation about how you may (may, not necessarily definitely) have a child with a neurological difference, and arm yourselves with information on the topic.

I think after 2.5 years a bit of honesty is in order.

Firstly what is so great about being 'normal'? I can see that if you were carrying a gene for, say, Huntingdon's Chorea, then deciding whether to have children is a big deal.

Yes, having high-functioning autism changes the way you experience the world and the way the world experience you. But if your boyfriend can't cope with people not being neuro-typical, he is not the bloke for you and it is better to find out before things go any further.

If I should have kids with autism I don't want him and his family to think that the genes are from me.

Well they will be from you, and as the mother of teen with autism, I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE BEEN FUCKING WARNED

My boyfriend and I are long distance. He has visited the UK once, but in another city and I never made a big fuss of him meeting them. This was still early days in our relationship.

My family are pretty sure he has autism although we aren't doctors.

1. He is quite self centred e.g. he will do things like cook something and eat everything himself, he will step on other people's shoes without caring, he barges past us to get somewhere without a thought, he only talks about himself and doesn't ask other people questions. There are many many examples of how he is self centred.
2. He doesn't remember how to spell our names, when our birthdays are, how old we are.
3. He does socially awkward things like point out and laugh at other people e.g. fat people, people with dirty shoes, homeless people, people of other races. He doesn't understand social cues either. He will have no trouble asking random strangers how much they earn and then say it's not a lot of money and laugh. He doesn't know how to talk to people. If he is trying to get someone's attention in the street to ask for direction, instead of saying 'excuse me' he will just shout ''HEYYYY, OYY'
4. He gets extremely anxious about anything, even ridiculous things.
5. He has anxiety melt downs in public.
6. He finds it very difficult to understand written commands or instructions.
7. He is semi-literate and finds it really hard to learn. He jumbles up his sentences when he writes them.
8. He is obsessed with one thing- war and politics. He can talk about this all day long.
9. He is very sensitive to sudden loud noises

@ Qvar

But there can be other causes of autism, not just genetic. So even if my kids were autistic, the genes may not have come from me!!
My boyfriend is also older 40+ so that also comes with a higher risk of autism!!

It sounds as if your relationship with your father must be quite tricky. Maybe it would be an idea to talk to someone at the National Autistic Society - they have a helpline - about him, and the issues it is bringing up in your relationship.

Best of luck...

yeah? name another cause.

And if your boyfriend comes with a higher risk of Autism himself, even better he should know that so do you.

I cannot believe you are considering withholding genetic information in case your long distance relationship older man doesn't want a baby with yout

I think "Am I obliged to tell my" is a very funny way of looking at it. No, I doubt you are legally under any obligation. But... You're about to get married, and tackle the rest of life together as a team (yeah, vomit, etc, but it's true). This information is going to help you both deal with the rest of your lives together. Might be a big deal, might not.

Following your last two sentences to their logical conclusion, consider if you have an autistic child but have successfully withheld the family background from him. But in your own mind the autism may have come from your side. That would not feel good; I can imagine you might even feel guilt at that point, even though it would be nonsense. Better to have brought up the subject of autism in your family years beforehand, to my mind.

With that info, yes you should tell your OH about your dad.
It's something he should be aware of and he has right to know before deciding on kids with you.
If he's not here, are planning to move to his country?
I assume you've met his family?
I think an honest discussion is well overdue.

I think my dad has undiagnosed Aspergers. I do tell friends - but not because I feel obliged. I would prefer they don't think he is ignoring them or being rude. My dad was once very excited to have my in-laws coming over for a visit as they lived overseas. We could tell he was pleased they were coming. But when they arrived, he walked right past them and went to another floor in the house and stayed there for an hour.
My son has diagnosed Aspergers. But he doesn't have the same social issues as my Dad. Aspergers can have challenges but it also has some benefits. My son is the most loving and affectionate child you have ever met. Loves having friends - is gentle and very empathetic. He just sees the world very literally - if I give him instructions I have to be very literal and specific as he does not do assumptions. My dad has 9 grandchildren - including 4 boys and my son is the only grandchild with Aspergers. My son was also born premature and did not have all of his infant reflexes go dormant - the doctor thinks this has contributed to some of his traits.

Nope, I'm planning on moving to his country (USA).

My dad's already decided if I get married he isn't coming to my wedding. He said it would be a very sad day!! He hates the US (part of his obsession with war and politics etc) and refuses to go to America.

There isn't a high chance of my boyfriend meeting my dad very often at all.

Since he isn't officially diagnosed with autism, I also take issue with 'labelling' him as such. I mean, what if he doesn't have autism, then by telling my boyfriend it could do more harm than good.

I mean, what if he doesn't have autism, then by telling my boyfriend it could do more harm than good.

You mean, he might want to marry you?

He might not I meant. Obviously.

I find some of these replies pretty insulting.
But I'm also not at all sure the OPs Dad is Autistic compared to being narcissistic or a knob.
I would never get engaged to someone without meeting their family or knowing all about them and meeting other people who had known them as a child/teen. Background is important.

I now think it is likely that my (late) father had undiagnosed high-functioning autism.

I was keen for my husband to meet him, as I wanted him to meet my family - even though they are rather awkward socially - and for them to meet him.

It was also important to me that my husband has always been courteous to them.

For me I think the issue is not so much the inheritability - or otherwise - of certain kinds of neurological difference. It is about people who you are planning to spend your life with knowing a bit more about you than the face you choose to show the world. Because if they don't know who you really are the relationship is built on shaky foundations.

Although we do feel he has strong traits of autism, i don't feel like it is right to tell others he is autistic when he hasn't been diagnosed as such.
My boyfriend also hasn't met him so I am wary of sticking labels on my dad beforehand. In an ideal world, they would be able to meet and then he would get to know my family more without me having to describe or label them.

My ex boyfriend didn't think my dad was autistic and they got on quite ok.

@Bekabeech maybe my dad is narcissistic, but i thought that it doesn't explain his high anxiety attacks and meltdowns or difficulty learning. He is also really literal and doesn't understand what people are saying.

@ HarrietSmith For me I think the issue is not so much the inheritability - or otherwise - of certain kinds of neurological difference. It is about people who you are planning to spend your life with knowing a bit more about you than the face you choose to show the world. Because if they don't know who you really are the relationship is built on shaky foundations.

I totally agree with you! It is hard though in a LDR.

But there can be other causes of autism, not just genetic. So even if my kids were autistic, the genes may not have come from me!!

It doesn't matter does it? The point is there is a risk that YOUR children will be autistic genetically so a future partner (who you may have children with) has a right to know.

OP you need to sit down with your fiancé and discuss this stuff before you make the commitment. Spouses are there to support each other and he can't even start to support you or any children you may have without knowing the issues you already have with your DF and the potential differences your children may have to NT children.

My DF and his sister are both quite possibly on the spectrum (or close to it), my sibling was (and had a whole host of other MH issues) and they needed a huge amount of support. One of my DS is autistic and the other has some traits too (but prob not on the spectrum). These are strong genes!

I can't imagine not having explained my family's dynamics and quirks to my DH before getting married and having children. Even now I feel bad as our wonderful DC are intense and he looks after them far more than I do. But we have the benefit of years of having discussed it, done our research and we are able to support our DC as a team - I can't express how amazing that feeling of support is.

Better being autistic that a person who replies to a thread on a public forum like this 1000 times.

But lets not allow basic human decency harm OP's chance of playing princesses in church, then having ASD babies with her oblivious DH.

Fucking unbelievable dickhead cock womble fuckwit of a poster to respond with that disablist shite.

How old are you op of your partner is on his 40's?
Have you discussed having a family with him?
Will you work in America?

@ Afterthestorm We've been long distance for 1.5 years and I've visited him 5 times in the USA. I get way more annual leave than he does.