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Original poster

Should I tell my boyfriend that my dad is autistic?

77 replies

strawberries98 · 02/03/2018 09:57

Hi everyone,

I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years now and planning on getting engaged and married this year and having kids. However, he hasn't met any of my family yet.

My dad has undiagnosed autism/Aspergers. A few of the men on my dad's side have it. The females don't have it.

Am I obliged to tell my boyfriend that my dad might have autism? I feel like I want to tell him so he can understand me and my family better. It is difficult to get along with my dad, and so far I have pretended that my family is just normal. However, I am worried if I say that he will think I have bad genes and might pass it along to our children. If I should have kids with autism I don't want him and his family to think that the genes are from me. should i just keep my mouth shut?

Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberries98 · 02/03/2018 11:36

I'm 31, he is 41. Yes I'm planning on moving and working in America. It takes 6 months to even get a fiancee visa so for now, I'm living in the UK.

OP posts:
Sutre · 02/03/2018 11:36

No-one knows how likely it is that a child could develop autism. It can happen spontaneously to a couple with no links to the condition.

I'd be honest about your family though. I don't think anyone would leave someone over their father having "undiagnosed autism" but if he does its outside your control.

A child between any two people could have any condition, unless you a carrier of a genetic condition it's all a bit of a lottery.

Lizardtheblizzard · 02/03/2018 11:37

However, I am worried if I say that he will think I have bad genes and might pass it along to our children.

Are you for real?

This whole thread smacks of trolling disablist bollocks, manufactured so people can pile in with a “no one would want anything to do with neurodivergence.”

Shameful.

Lizardtheblizzard · 02/03/2018 11:39

Neurodivergence is a wonderful thing, and just because your dad might have a bit and/or struggle socially, doesn’t make autism bad or to do with “bad genes.”

I’m breathless with how prejudiced this thread is.

Sutre · 02/03/2018 11:44

@Lizardtheblizzard I agree. I'd be tempted to be totally transparent with my partner to see if they have empathy, understanding etc. Anyone who walked away from someone they loved because a relative of theirs had a condition (in this case not even a definite) is not someone I would want for a life partner. During your married life one or both of you may become ill, you may have a child with a condition, you may not be able to have children. Life is full of uncertainties and marrying someone is about marrying them, for better or for worse, not choosing someone on a biological breeding basis.

hipposarerad · 02/03/2018 11:48

I've answered from the point of view that 'knowledge is power', but I'd like to address one or two other things:

If someone is neuro divergent but undiagnosed it's likely to become apparent sooner or later, maybe your dad's behaviour will speak for itself and you can see how your dp reacts - this will tell you a lot about whether he is kind, sympathetic or sneering and rejecting.

Secondly, use of the term 'bad genes' is unacceptable and, yes, very disablist.

Thirdly, whoever it was who mentioned not disclosing, having a 'princess' experience followed by "ASD babies" seems to be implying that this would be a fate worse than death for the poor unsuspecting groom - shamefully disablist.

Lizardtheblizzard · 02/03/2018 11:49

Albert Einstein
Paddy Considine
Gary Numan
Bill Gates
Sir Patrick Moore
Tom Hetherwick
Jim Carrey
Almost every senior scientific academic
Almost every talented IT guru
All on or suspected to be on the AS.

Who would want genes like that?Biscuit

PeacesofAte · 02/03/2018 11:54

Interesting that you think only the males in your family are on the spectrum. Women present very differently, especially when undiagnosed early - they learn to ‘pass’ better than men.

Tequilaitmakesmestupid · 02/03/2018 12:09

"Bad genes" ??!! Confused Angry

I'm sorry, but I really don't like this thread. Yes, I think you should explain to your DP that your DF is socially awkward, unintentionally rude and yes, is possibly on the spectrum, but not to rescue him from having 'damaged,' future children.

My DD is likely on the spectrum and to put it bluntly, saying she has "bad genes", is just downright offensive.

I think this thread should be taken down. There are so many parents of DC's with ASD who really struggle and they need insensitive comments such as some of these, like a hole in the head.

DevilTree · 02/03/2018 12:11

This thread has a really disablist tone. Nasty. Angry

Well they [the 'bad' genes] will be from you, and as the mother of teen with autism, I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE BEEN FUCKING WARNED

Goodness me, Qvar, you make autism sound like the worst thing in the world. What would you have done if you had known that your child's other parent had possible undiagnosed autism. Aborted just in case? Hmm

Lizardtheblizzard · 02/03/2018 12:13

Why is this thread even here?

Original poster
strawberries98 · 02/03/2018 12:21

I'm not saying that they ARE bad genes. I'm just saying that it is possible that my boyfriend who has no experience of anyone in his circle with any sort of genetic illnesses may think that that way. Definitely not my intention to be disablist if anyone has thought that I was!

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 02/03/2018 12:23

I wonder what your boyfriend is hiding from you?

Original poster
strawberries98 · 02/03/2018 12:25

@Sutre Life is full of uncertainties and marrying someone is about marrying them, for better or for worse, not choosing someone on a biological breeding basis.

Unfortunately, I do feel like my boyfriend is choosing me on a biological breeding basis. He chose me partly cos I was under 35 as he said older mothers have a more difficult time getting pregnant and have a higher chance of genetic conditions like Down's syndrome. I know it's bit of a horrible thing to say. That's why I was more concerned than I was about my ex about telling him about my dad.

OP posts:
NotASingleFuckToGive · 02/03/2018 12:26

Fucking unbelievable dickhead cock womble fuckwit of a poster to respond with that disablist shite.

That was my comment Yellow. I'm the DM of one child with ASD, two NT. As with anything else, I do believe you owe it to the person you love, to inform them if there is an increased chance of any neurological or chromasomal abnormalities within your genes before conceiving, in the interests of informed consent. Raising a child with a disability is not fucking easy, and in some cases is a lifelong, 24 hour responsibity. Of course your DP deserves to know beforehand if that is an increased likelihood- I can't believe that matter could even be up for debate tbh.

ATailofTwoKitties · 02/03/2018 12:32

Ewwww. Are you sure you want to marry this guy? What if you decide you don't want children? What if you can't conceive? What if you do, and have a child with ANY disability, or become ill or disabled yourself?

Cocolepew · 02/03/2018 12:33

This can't be real ?
You've seen your bf 6 times? Is that right?
horrible thread.

helpfulperson · 02/03/2018 12:35

I think Qvar's comment and the list of famous names shows the sheer diverisity of the ASD spectrum. Many many people on the spectrum living happy, fulfilling, challenging, different lives. Others live distressing (both to them and families) traumatic, distressed lives. One I would be happy for my children to live the second I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2018 12:35

"Unfortunately, I do feel like my boyfriend is choosing me on a biological breeding basis"

Why are you and this man together at all?. He sounds bloody awful frankly and you hardly know each other.

What on earth did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Is this relationship really what you want for your own self?.

Your Dad is a person first and foremost, a human being like you. None of your family or you are at all qualified to make such a statement about your dad with regards to ASD. You have no idea whether he is on the ASD spectrum or not.

Original poster
strawberries98 · 02/03/2018 12:37

I wasn't always long distance with him. We were living in the same city for one year beforehand.

In fact, after reading everyone's replies I think I should tell my boyfriend, because I think it would reveal his true character and also he kind of should know more about my family anyway.

OP posts:
Worldsworstcook · 02/03/2018 12:47

Ooooo that last post you made. Yes I think you are right to be concerned about his reaction if you think part of your suitability is your youth and healthy eggs.

You probably should tell him you think your dad has many autistic traits, most of us do, but has never been diagnosed so you don't know if he is autistic or not. I don't think he'd have an issue with that.

Where the danger lies is saying that ls saying other male members of your family ALSO have it and it could be genetic.

DS has autism, but as previously said there are scales and he's not too bad. His world just needs managed. The fact your dad married bodes well! It's up to you whether you mention the other family members.

Momo18 · 02/03/2018 12:55

Unless you know it's definitely genetic and you have had a test i don't get why everyone on here is flapping like it's a given your kids will be. Even if it is genetic it's not a given your children would be either. My DC have genetic disorders passed on from their father (tested), neither of them have any autism or symptoms of the disorder really but they are carriers. I do think you should tell your partner, but without testing and no formal diagnosis it's a case of not really been able to make any decisions isn't it

Lizardtheblizzard · 02/03/2018 13:03

Even if there WAS a test that would show +/- for autism genes, it means nothing as it’s a spectrum and there’s no predicting where anyone would be on it.

OP your Dad sounds like he struggles socially but then from this thread I wonder if you do too?

WazFlimFlam · 02/03/2018 13:04

OP, this is an odd way of looking at it.

No you are not obliged to say anything, but its is odd you don't want to share information about your family with your spouse to be, or even want them to meet your spouse after so long.

There are many genes one could pass on wittingly or unwittingly, and autism is one of the least understood conditions at the moment. No way do we know if it is genetic (I say that as a genetics graduate).

Your inlaws may make a fuss about anything you 'pass on to your children' whether that is frizzy hair or a bad temper! Mine have fussed about how I may 'make' any children we have (as yet unconcieved) short! They are gits though.

Original poster
strawberries98 · 02/03/2018 13:09

@Lizardtheblizzard
Generally curious, what makes you think I struggle socially too?

@ WazFlimFlam Your inlaws may make a fuss about anything you 'pass on to your children' whether that is frizzy hair or a bad temper! Mine have fussed about how I may 'make' any children we have (as yet unconcieved) short! They are gits though.

Haha I feel like my potential in laws would judge too, that's why I'm so nervous about disclosing anything about my family!

OP posts: