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Original poster

Should I tell my boyfriend that my dad is autistic?

77 replies

strawberries98 · 02/03/2018 09:57

Hi everyone,

I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years now and planning on getting engaged and married this year and having kids. However, he hasn't met any of my family yet.

My dad has undiagnosed autism/Aspergers. A few of the men on my dad's side have it. The females don't have it.

Am I obliged to tell my boyfriend that my dad might have autism? I feel like I want to tell him so he can understand me and my family better. It is difficult to get along with my dad, and so far I have pretended that my family is just normal. However, I am worried if I say that he will think I have bad genes and might pass it along to our children. If I should have kids with autism I don't want him and his family to think that the genes are from me. should i just keep my mouth shut?

Thank you!

OP posts:
hipposarerad · 02/03/2018 13:14

OK. If you have reason think the 'bad genes' notion will come from him then he doesn't sound like he would be kind, and try to arm himself with an understanding and, crucially, acceptance of autism.

Also, if he has chosen you to be some kind of 'healthy young brood mare' he sounds bloody awful.

I stand by what I said; my opinion for what its worth, is that prospective parents with a family history of neurodiversities should get themselves informed so they can support and advocate for their children according to their specific needs.

Sutre · 02/03/2018 13:27

Being under 35 is no guarantee you can conceive it won't have problems. He sounds like a prize idiot and I'm sorry OP I can't help wonder if you're a bit hard of thinking yourself so I'm going to bow out.

You can't argue with stupid!

NotTheFordType · 02/03/2018 13:42

Which of these sounds better OP:

"Darling before you meet my dad, just be aware that he struggles socially - we feel he may have undiagnosed autism"
Or
"Darling before you meet my dad, just be aware that he's a rude bastard and will probably spend the entire time ranting about Trump/gun control/whatever."

I mean you've got to warn him, right? You can't let him walk in there cold. I would leave after half an hour of that shit. The house, and the relationship.

Original poster
strawberries98 · 02/03/2018 13:46

@NotTheFordType

tbh, I've always done the second option, not the first!! And they've been ok.

OP posts:
belkastrelka · 02/03/2018 13:47

Yes you should. And then run. As fast as your legs can carry you. And I mean it.

As a parent of an autistic child, I am telling you - you will need all the support from your DH brining up the child on the spectrum. You do carry the genes, and chances are your child may be "different". Your BF sounds like he will leave you the minute he finds out that the child you produced has any issues. Unfortunately, it is not a rare thing, when men just turn this page of their life over, and start from scratch with a new wife, not wanting to know anything about their "problematic" child...

I wish I was warned and prepared. I never ever blamed my husband (not aloud anyway) for not warning me about his very quirky grandfather, and other family members that are so obviously on the spectrum. I wish I had a choice, but I have to deal with what I have and luckily I have full support from my husband. But on difficult days I wonder what I would have done had I known beforehand. I do not have the answer. But I think I had right to have been forewarned.

Sutre · 02/03/2018 14:39

@belkastrelka how do you know OP carries the genes are chances are her child will be "different"?

Good grief.

Yellowshadeofgreen · 02/03/2018 15:17

That was my comment Yellow. I'm the DM of one child with ASD, two NT.

As am I Notasinglefuck you ought to be ashamed of yourself. I hope to god your child never reads that awful post you wrote. I guess your username speaks for you though.

Qvar · 02/03/2018 15:23

I hope to god your child never reads that awful post you wrote.

Some kids with that diagnosis never learn to read at all, Yellowshadeofgreen. SOme never speak. Some smear faeces for 6 years as a method of communicating their displeasure.

Unless you're offering free respite for families destroyed by low functioning autism, fuck right off. I was lucky with my son's autism, he's a delightful quirky chap. Some people are NOT lucky, and all of us would have been better off without attitudes like yours

Yellowshadeofgreen · 02/03/2018 15:30

No you fuck off Qvar, you delightful son does not need parents writing that they are somehow lesser beings just by virtue iof their autism. My child is a wonderful boy with tonnes of challenges that he has to face up to every day, people like you trying to make him out to be lesser beings can fuck right off.

Qvar · 02/03/2018 15:42

"Lesser beings"?

How about kids who would have been a whole lot better served had their parents KNOWN to keep an eye out for autism in their early years?

You can misinterpret until you're blue in the face and you can squirrel around and try and justify autism being Just Fantastic all you like but you and I both know our kids would have been happier without their autism.

belkastrelka · 02/03/2018 15:44

@Sutre, OK, I am sorry, I agree I should have worded it differently. She MIGHT BE carrying the genes. Of course, nobody knows for sure. According to the OP, a lot of her male relatives are on the spectrum, so chances are high of the ASD child, as it runs in the family.

Yellowshadeofgreen · 02/03/2018 15:52

You can misinterpret until you're blue in the face and you can squirrel around and try and justify autism being Just Fantastic all you like but you and I both know our kids would have been happier without their autism.

I don’t have a clue who my child would be without his autism and I wouldn’t change him for the world. You do not speak for me with that BS.

I am not squirrelling and I am not justifying autism, wtaf is justifying autism?

I get you have a different perspective but I don’t see autism as lesser. You do. This forum has tonnes of autistic posters, it also has plenty of parents of children with autism, coming on and telling by them that the world would be a better place without them or their children is insulting. Simple as that.

Qvar · 02/03/2018 16:01

world would be a better place without them or their children

Those are your words. Not mine. baffled as to why you're making things up.

I said those children's LIVES would be better without their autism. And I'm right.

Yellowshadeofgreen · 02/03/2018 16:06

No Qvar, this is what you have been defending. You didn’t say it but you hopped on me to defend the poster who did.

But lets not allow basic human decency harm OP's chance of playing princesses in church, then having ASD babies with her oblivious DH.

Qvar · 02/03/2018 16:19

You do not get to retroactively decide what i did and did not mean based on who YOU were responding to. Your feelings about what someone else said do not impact what I ACTUALLY said.

Yellowshadeofgreen · 02/03/2018 16:22

Qvar you responded directly to my post responding to the poster who said that quote. In fact you quoted my response to that poster in your original post telling me to fuck off. Stop trying to rewrite history it is all upthread there for you to read. Anyway I am done with you, you are a waste of good snow time.

Qvar · 02/03/2018 16:34

Quote me directly saying the things you insist I said.

because what I think happened is that someone disagreed with you, you decided it was an attack on your child, and had an adrenaline pop.

hairycoo · 02/03/2018 16:39

Can you even keep an eye out for autism? How is that managed? Does having an autistic person in the family mean that you are gonna pass on the gene? There is no test for autism as far as I know. Should autistic people not be born? Or really what a load of shit is being peddled on this thread. Op, maybe you should speak to our dp in general terms and see what his feelings are on children, would he support you if any children born are autistic/disabled and take it from there.

Qvar · 02/03/2018 16:54

I don't mean in utero hairycoo. I'm talking about in babies. Knowing that your child is going to be more likely to have autism means you're paying more attention to things like eye contact, back and forth babbling and other developmental milestones. You're less likely to let things slide with people like health Visitors, and more likely to say "No, there's ASD in our family, I want a referral to SALT".

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heritability_of_autism here is a wikipedia article which is quite comprehenisive and gives it's sources.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 02/03/2018 19:43

because what I think happened is that someone disagreed with you, you decided it was an attack on your child, and had an adrenaline pop

^that. Absolutely unnecessary. And the reply, "Fucking unbelievable dickhead cock womble fuckwit of a poster to respond with that disablist shite!" was totally out of proportion. Do you usually explode like that at people who disagree with you?!

Vibe2018 · 02/03/2018 20:01

Unfortunately, I do feel like my boyfriend is choosing me on a biological breeding basis. He chose me partly cos I was under 35 as he said older mothers have a more difficult time getting pregnant and have a higher chance of genetic conditions like Down's syndrome

Your boyfriend sounds weird.

You've only met him a handful of times and you're moving off to America?

You don't actually sound that close to him or like you trust him.

I have a child with autism and he has a very happy life and so do I. I guess my DH must have 'bad genes' as you say as there are a few people with autism in his family. I fell in love with my DH and I didn't select him for his ability to breed a perfect specimen of a child.

Also, your dad came from an era where autistic people got no help and some of them must have had an incredibly difficult time at school and at work. If your dad had got the help my son is being given then who knows how he might have turned out.

Lovemusic33 · 02/03/2018 20:08

Shocked at some of these posts Shock

Also find it a bit odd that after 2.5 years it hasn’t been discussed.

There’s no link to prove age of parents if a factor. Autism can run in the family and it comes in various severities but also anyone can have a child with ASD.

I have 2 dd’s With ASD, if I was told that there was ASD on dh’s side of the family would it have stopped me having children? No it wouldn’t. At the time when I conceived dd1 I didn’t really know much about ASD, I knew one of dh’s ds’s had issues, I knew dh’s dad was a bit odd. Now it is obvious that 2 of dh’s ds’s are on the spectrum and one also has schizophrenia. My dd.’s were diagnosed pretty quickly (age 4 and age 2.5).

It sounds like your family members are just quirky and not severely autistic? Possibly Aspergers?

PippinOrange · 02/03/2018 22:37

I think people are really giving OP a hard time and looking to take offence in a ridiculous way. Perhaps OP didn't use the 'right' words but I doubt she meant anything as "bad" as the people having a meltdown at her (who actually sound much much more unpleasant and judgmental!).

Oddgirlout · 02/03/2018 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Qvar · 02/03/2018 22:59

As another woman who has a child with asd, and some measure of critical thinking, I have discovered that there is a good deal of evidence pointing towards "bad genes".

You having a child with asd doesn't give you the right to shut discussion about asd down