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Original poster

OW who have ended it - hand hold?

76 replies

brightegg · 01/03/2018 20:23

I'm trying to emotionally walk away from a man I have become involved with. He's married, I'm recently divorced. His wife is non the wiser.

We've slept together a few times. I know it's wrong. And I would hate for his wife to find out and be hurt and me be somewhat responsible. He doesn't love me, not really, but I'm okay with that. I'm not in love with him ( I don't think). But I'm in love with the way he makes me feel, the attention and the physical benefits.

However I do find myself thinking about him too much and wanting more of him than I can have.

I want it to stop and I'm pretty sure I won't let it happen again. But it feels like shit and I just want more.

If you've been the OW and walked away - please tell me your positive stories of how it all worked out well and you got over it.

(And I can't go NC but don't want to explain why - I just have to be 'strong').

Any positive stories / encouragement would be very much appreciated.

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 01/03/2018 20:25

Yes, all OW please do gather here to bitch and whinge. At least that way I can know who to completely disregard in the future.

Emma198 · 01/03/2018 20:30

I've never knowingly been the OW... I was seeing someone for a while then saw him with his wife one day when I was on my way home from work. I went mad at him for making me the OW without my knowledge then cut contact. Concerned about why you can't cut contact... if he's a friend, colleague, family member it will surely probably come out in the wash eventually and cause upset.

mineofuselessinformation · 01/03/2018 20:32

'I know it's wrong'. There's your answer.
As someone who's been on the other end of a cheating relationship like this (yes, I blame XH as well, more so in fact) I can't rustle up any sympathy for you - you knew what you were getting into. You just hoped he'd pick you in the end.

Original poster
brightegg · 01/03/2018 20:34

If it's stopped then there's no reason for it to 'come out in the wash'. But that is another motivating factor to stay away. I.e increase risk.

And I may be feeling a bit sorry for myself (rightly or wrongly) but I'm not bitching.

OP posts:
Original poster
brightegg · 01/03/2018 20:35

Nope, never hoped he'd pick me. Not what I want or expect. He wants to continue the 'fun'. I'm walking away.

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 01/03/2018 20:35

I doubt you're going to get a 'handhold'. You've been sleeping with a married man behind his wife's back. Try a single guy next timeSmile sorry I know that sounds bloody nasty and rude but I've been on the other end and it's heartbreaking. I just don't get why people do it.

Thudercatsrule · 01/03/2018 20:49

I understand how you feel, but at least yr brave enough to try and walk and away, wish I could 😔

Original poster
brightegg · 01/03/2018 20:52

No, I suppose not many hand-holds, but I did think there might be other ex-OWs that walked away and that can be an encouragement.

I'm sorry for the heartbreak you experienced.

Despite my shitty behaviour, the cheating man is the one ultimately responsible for his marriage vows though. I think.

OP posts:
Notavictimbutasurvivor · 01/03/2018 20:52

I was the OW for 9 months. I had no idea what so ever that he was married as he lived down south and I'm from up north. We were together all the time and as soon as I found out I removed him from my life.

I was gutted but I could never do that to another person. I feel guilty for his wife but I did nothing wrong. Horrible slimy git he is.

SundaysFunday · 01/03/2018 20:55

If you need motivation and proof that walking away from this affair is the right thing to do, then all you need to do is read some of the threads on hear written by women who have had their worlds turned upside down by cheaters and their OW.

You aren't losing much, he's a shit and a liar and a cunt, who wants to sleep with someone like that?

SundaysFunday · 01/03/2018 20:56

*here

BillieN0mates · 01/03/2018 20:57

Um hesitate to incurr the wrath of 2nd poster but twenty years ago i 'got turned off' i guesd. Scales fell from my young eyes. I had thought he was a great guy and adjusted that first impression bit by bit til i saw an entitled selfish man who would merrily hurt two women.

Have your own plan. Dont fit in around his.

Rhubarbginn · 01/03/2018 20:59

bright egg come onto the non contact thread. It is very non judgemental and people trying to move on from men who are not good for them (for many reasons).

BillieN0mates · 01/03/2018 21:03

Notavictimasurvivor, a lot of men are just so entitled. No thought given to your investment in to the relationship, you believing not unreadonably that it was serious. I cant imagine misleading somebody like that. It would be torture. But some people can mislead and dupe the people they're close too. Bizarre. V Damaged.

Notavictimbutasurvivor · 01/03/2018 21:12

@Billie. He was the first man I trusted after an abuse relationship.
I found out because his wife called me and I was devastated. He's a toad

Josuk · 01/03/2018 21:13

OP - you should have just posted about being with a man that just isn’t right for you, and is unattainable - and yet not being able to pull away. And ask for advice that way.

Because in the end - on your side - it’s that. You are a human and you, personally, aren’t responsible for his morals.
And despite MN - somehow - assigning you a ‘less then human and not worthy of empathy’ box - i am sorry.
I am sure you have a story, and feel lonely and are emotionally scarred by your former relationship and the attachment to this unattainable man.
And to me - it doesn’t matter why he is unattainable.

Like with any relationships that aren’t right - the only way to go is to make a decision and rip the plaster off.
And look around and find a better, more suitable object for your affection.

AuntieStella · 01/03/2018 21:17

"I did think there might be other ex-OWs that walked away and that can be an encouragement"

The snag is that you aren't walking away. You say you cannot sever contact with him. That is unfortunate, and I would urge you to look at that again, to see how you can change things somyou can indeed walk away, sever contact, and get away properly

Original poster
brightegg · 01/03/2018 21:25

Yes, I've seen the NC thread, wasn't sure I could join in because I can't walk away properly (it's to do with my job), but I guess my walking away is not meeting with him privately and not flirting via messenger. I will revisit that thread. I am wondering about trying OLD purely to meet someone else to make the walking away easier.

Reading the replies so far has really helped me see the situation more objectively that's for sure. And reduced the feeling sorry for myself. It should never have got this far. He is a liar and a cheat and there's no escaping that.

OP posts:
BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 01/03/2018 21:26

No positive stories in a situation like this except maybe for the man who is getting it both ways ? How you get over it ? Ask yourself would you want to be in a permanent relationship with a man who lies to his wife and shags other women ? I know one wife right now who doesn't know her husband of less than 2 years has been shagging someone else for 7 months sometimes 3 times a week lying to her day after day . Stop it now and find someone available.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 01/03/2018 21:28

I second Rhubarb with coming onto the no contact thread. It's non-judgemental

Original poster
brightegg · 01/03/2018 21:33

Josuk - you couldn't be more right. Ex was abusive and I didn't realise how lonely I was till I started the stupidity with this m man. Thank you for your kindness.

I was paranoid he 'targeted' me but he assures me not. He's also assured me he's never done this before. But that's probably all bollocks. The more objectively I can see this, the less appealing he is. It's obvious really. Rip the plaster off. I will / I have. He is a shit really.

OP posts:
ItsuAddict · 01/03/2018 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theredjellybean · 01/03/2018 21:36

I will happily hand hold OP.
you know it was a mistake, your doing the right thing and you do deserve support.
It's like breaking an addiction, you really have to stop all contact, if you work together for example you may Have to have some but block all social sites, email etc.
Plan distractions for when you weaken.... Exercise is a good one.. I took up running, nice and solo, I could rant and rave and cry as I ran, and the endorphins help.
If you have a trigger time of wanting to reach out to him, ensure your doing something else... Anything... Go to the cinema, see friends.
It is going to be tough, and yes before all the MNs come on saying harder on his wife blah blah... This is about the OP not the wife.
The relationship might have been wrong but it doesn't mean your not hurting.
Over time it gets easier, I promise.

Original poster
brightegg · 01/03/2018 21:37

I will stand by my belief that he is ultimately responsible for how he treats his wife and any hurt she may end up feeling (if it came out). I would be somewhat responsible, not fully responsible.

And I am not condoning or justifying what's happened, in any way. Just moving on and trying to get perspective.

OP posts:
user764329056 · 01/03/2018 21:39

All you women who are so hateful towards other women should wear badges so us women who respect other women can avoid you

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