OW who have ended it - hand hold?

[brightegg]

I'm trying to emotionally walk away from a man I have become involved with. He's married, I'm recently divorced. His wife is non the wiser.

We've slept together a few times. I know it's wrong. And I would hate for his wife to find out and be hurt and me be somewhat responsible. He doesn't love me, not really, but I'm okay with that. I'm not in love with him ( I don't think). But I'm in love with the way he makes me feel, the attention and the physical benefits.

However I do find myself thinking about him too much and wanting more of him than I can have.

I want it to stop and I'm pretty sure I won't let it happen again. But it feels like shit and I just want more.

If you've been the OW and walked away - please tell me your positive stories of how it all worked out well and you got over it.

(And I can't go NC but don't want to explain why - I just have to be 'strong').

Any positive stories / encouragement would be very much appreciated.

I'm not in love with him ( I don't think). But I'm in love with the way he makes me feel

You poor, poor love.
I'm writing a poem for you.

Thanks theredjellybean - that's exactly what it feels like / felt like - an addiction! Last thing I need!

Thanks for the practical advice as well. I like the idea is ranting whilst running! Sitting around of an evening dwelling is stupid. Funny, when I've wanted to message or see him in the evening but stopped (because that's what I'm doing now, stopping), I feel so relieved the next morning when I'm getting on with the day and I'm so glad I didn't go there! And I'm just holding onto the fact it will get easier with time. Thanks again.

The running also will tone you up and make you look fantastic for when your ready to meet some new and available.
Your honestly doing well... Remember that feeling of how much more respect you have for yourself every day you don't message him etc.
I also used to go to bed early... Sooner asleep, sooner another day over.

You aren't responsible for his actions but you are fully responsible for your own. You knew you were going to be the OW and from the sounds of it you aren't even that interested in him. You still went there. Unless you actually want to be with him, walk away. If he's a work colleague then just deal with the fact you will have to see him.

Sounds rather like the situation my ‘D’H is in, except his wife does know she just hasn’t told him yet... I think you will find that no matter what your picture of how responsible you are, if you knowingly continues this then yes a lot of people will judge you big time. Have known a couple of people leave jobs after stuff like this came out because of the damage to their reputations. So yes. Walk away now. Totally NC may not be possible but as far as possible is a good idea.

If you’re serious about walking away you should block him on messenger/ WhatsApp/ all social media so you can’t be tempted back in a weak moment.

As the wronged party I urge you to walk away as an affair is completely devastating, and not only to the betrayed spouse but to children, parents, siblings and friends. My H thought he could keep it quiet too but I found out and it has ruined so many lives. Totally not worth it and the OW has had to leave her job.

I'm not giving you a hand hold but I will tell you that my relative's children are torn apart by the affair that their father had with his OW. Stop being so self absorbed.

Oh, it's all so yucky, messy and horrible. Confirmed by many posters' thoughts. I'm definitely out.

I'm gonna take theredjellybean's advice - go to bed! And look forward to another new day. (And dig out running gear and check in to NC thread).

Goodnight all and thank you for your input and honesty. (And offers of poetry).

All you women who are so hateful towards other women should wear badges so us women who respect other women can avoid you

This!

FFS, the OP has come on here for support! If only life was as black and white as some of you seem to believe! I’m saying this as someone who was cheated on more than once by my EXH. He fucked up the marriage not any of the OW! In fact I don’t really blame him that much anymore, the marriage was shit and I should have left him years before. Happily married people don’t cheat. Some of you really need to get over your bitterness, life is too short!

OP - I hope you find some more helpful responses, just ignore the judgemental bunch!

All you women who are so hateful towards other women should wear badges so us women who respect other women can avoid you*
*

..... because shagging another woman's husband is such a 'women empowering women' act*

MN isn't the place for OWs to get a handhold. I'll PM you with some details of a place that OWs post.

What are you after? Redemption?

I personally don't blame you - you have questionable morals but here you are. The only person that will be ok out of this is the man. He'll probably find a new vagina.

Now you're heartbroken and his wife has no idea.

I get that it it his fault, I do 100% think its his responsability and only his responsability to not cheat on his wife and wouldnt put the blame on you at all but what I dont get is what would attract you to a man like that?

@Upsideup - hmm strange comment - given that on your other thread you seem to be empathetic to a friend who is cheating/or being cheated on, and what you said about yourself there...

But generally - as we all know - people get attracted to each other for a whole host of reasons. Starting from very simple and primal ones - when you look at a person - and w/o knowing anything about them - you know if you are attracted to them or not....
Being married doesn’t turn off sexual attractiveness to the other gender. And doesn’t make people invisible to others. And vice versa.

Keep reminding yourself you’re worth more of any man than a few stolen moments whilst he gets a shag, because you are!

Also people have long memories when it comes to juicy gossip, and if you get a reputation as a home wrecker it will stick.

There is better out there than being second best, which is what the OW always is. Please be strong, walk away, visit Ann Summers if you need, a vibrator won’t let you down.

KLAXON - handhold for the OW on Mumsnet!

Are you for fucking real?

I met a gorgeous guy who seemed to be my Mr.perfect through old and we dated for a few months. I've honestly never felt a spark like it..we had so many plans etc- would genuinely lay in the back of his pick up truck with blankets in the forest watching the stars and talking about our future, we saw/messaged all the time, went away for romantic weekends together etc. I genuinely thought I'd found the one i was going to marry. He even brought his son from his 'previous' marriage for dinner a couple of times and people genuinely thought we were a little family out and about. It was absolutely magical until my friend found him on facebook (which he said he wasn't on) ...and also his wife. I was utterly heartbroken and he told me he was in the process of selling the house and getting a divorce etc and in my stupid loved up moment I believed him...for a few more weeks. I honestly can't tell you how perfect I thought we were for each other, some people said to me "how did you not know?!" But there were honestly no signs what so ever. Anyway...I'm rambling. A few weeks ago he messaged me on facebook to tell me how much he missed me and blah blah and how he wanted to meet up for coffee and as I looked at his picture I saw him for exactly what he is. And I don't have any feeling left for him what so ever- dont get me wrong I miss what I thought we had but not him and I wouldnt go back there for one moment. Honestly OP get the hell out of that situation now before it gets even more vile and tangled. He's not worth it.

Can someone link to the no contact thread pls

Are you so desperate for sex that you are prepared to humiliate yourself in this way?
I doubt that's what this is about though.
OP is recently divorced.
It's a horrible thing.
You feel like a failure and your self-esteem hits rock bottom.
This guy is giving her attention and making her feel better about herself.

But OP - you know you should not continue with this.
There are many single men out there who can offer what you are looking for.
This 'man' is a vile human being who is cheating on his wife and family.
He has no regard for them or you and just wants to continue the 'fun'!
How that kind of behaviour doesn't have your fanny shriveling up and you running away is beyond me.
Doing this will ultimately lower your self-esteem again!
Do not put yourself back in that state. It's not worth it.
End it. Get out there and find yourself as a single, independent woman and then go from there.

I know hells.
I was trying to be harsh to shock the OP into leaving.
I am recently divorced. It is a horrible thing, and my self esteem has also hit rock bottom. Having gone through that however, I would not in a month of Sundays have sex with another woman's husband.
It would be different had OP not known. But she did, and used her divorce as justification. It isn't.
By having sex with someone like him she is reinforcing her views of self as worthless.
If you want attention, go out for a few nights out and flirt.
Have a stage of shagging about. Many women do it. Get it out of your system. But don't give all your emotional energy to someone who will suck it until there is nothing left, as you need that to heal.
I will never forget my mum when she found out my dad had had an affair. She felt utterly worthless and never got over it. I still hate my stepmum, don't say so but I hate her with every fibre of my being. She felt it her right to break up our family (my dad's not worth talking to). Don't be that woman OP.

The No Contact thread is called NC Dignity Club, 7th one at the mo

As somebody mentioned head to the love shack. I actually empathise about the “who’s responsible “ bit.

Oh poor op. It’s not my marriage so it isn’t my responsibility for shitting all over it.
Lovely. This defence doesn’t wash. It will come out and you will be judged. Look at Angelina/brad/Jen. Or Ewan McGregor’s OW. Nobody likes a home wrecker. Get out, stay out and move jobs if you can’t keep your knickers on. He is an cock of the highest order but it takes two to clap.