OW who have ended it - hand hold?

[brightegg]

I'm trying to emotionally walk away from a man I have become involved with. He's married, I'm recently divorced. His wife is non the wiser.

We've slept together a few times. I know it's wrong. And I would hate for his wife to find out and be hurt and me be somewhat responsible. He doesn't love me, not really, but I'm okay with that. I'm not in love with him ( I don't think). But I'm in love with the way he makes me feel, the attention and the physical benefits.

However I do find myself thinking about him too much and wanting more of him than I can have.

I want it to stop and I'm pretty sure I won't let it happen again. But it feels like shit and I just want more.

If you've been the OW and walked away - please tell me your positive stories of how it all worked out well and you got over it.

(And I can't go NC but don't want to explain why - I just have to be 'strong').

Any positive stories / encouragement would be very much appreciated.

I was an unwitting OW for a few months once, years ago. Completely ghosted him from the moment I found out. I came on MN and started a thread about whether I should tell the wife, got a mixed response but in the end said nothing, they now have a baby together and still look happy. It’s odd knowing that he has another side she doesn’t know about, makes me realise it could be the same way for so many relationships.

Anyway, I can’t understand why you’re not doing the same? Even if you have to have professional interactions with him you can simply blank any other type of contact.

Hmm...yeah, not sure I would offer a hand to hold tbh. You know it's wrong. Just stop it.

I'm trying hard not to judge but the trivial nature of ending an extra marital relationship does not deserve this level of hand wringing.

There are no kids, no decades of history, no entwining of families and finances, it's just so laughably easy to end it.

It'll hurt a bit, so what, it'll pass in time. He's a man proven to lie, cheat and betray. Good riddance!

All the advice to keep busy, go to bed early, go running, it just makes me smile to see people taking it seriously because the pain op is feeling is so insignificant and tiny next to the pain his wife and kids will feel when they inevitably find out.

But then, ime, people capable of such behaviour are generally rather selfish and self absorbed.

brightegg - I've been the BS but I can sympathise. You did something selfish (don't we all from time to time) and are now trying to put it right. I think his wife should know - but I accept that may not be what you want to do - however threatening to tell his wife could be a good way of keeping him away from you, and show you another side of him too.

In terms of breaking up with someone why is this any different to any other relationship.

You don't need OW to tell you anything.

Either ghost him or text him it's over, job done.

Are you actively searching for a new job? Be pro-active about cutting contact with him. When you say 'I'm pretty sure I won't let it happen again', you sound weak and are giving a dishonest man power over you. You are pretty sure you won't sleep with someone's husband again? I can't have any sympathy or respect for you until you cut all ties and stay away.

How realistic is no contact and staying away when you work together? Easy if you have no feelings but no so easy if you do.

He may well start an affair with another woman at your work.

I think the fact you say you don’t love him is the worst aspect of your post. So you are clearly just potentially wrecking his their marriage for fun? Jeez...

Surely it’s the same as getting over any break up really.

Delete him from all social media and messaging.
If you genuinely cannot hemp craft because of work, keep it to the absolute minimum contact you can.
Don’t be alone with him.
Delete his numbers.
Be busy in your lunch breaks and evenings. Take a hobby, join a gym, whatever.
Absolutely do a bit of OLD.

It takes time but your feelings will change.

Hemp craft??
Go no contact!!

No hate here. Take all the constructive advice and also remove anything that reminds you of him or he ever bought you.

It will probably help to read the thread detailing the devastation affairs cause.

No hate here either. Sounds like you already know what to do OP. Distance yourself as much as possible- is looking for a new job an option?

Everyone makes mistakes and I agree with you that he’s the more culpable one.

However, it’s a shitty thing to do to someone but you’ve been very bright and brave to own up and try and tackle it.

Go as NC as possible - look at it as giving up smoking, drinking or some other poisonous thing you’ve become addicted to.

The running sounds like a v good idea for evenings when you might be tempted to get in touch. I found that throwing myself into work was a very useful way of distracting myself and my career just flew as a result.

Keep busy with the things you love and stay resolute. You’re worth so much more than this man and your life will improve exponentially the longer you stay away.

Brightegg, I came out of a long abusive marriage and the first person I fell for was a happily married man. Nothing has happened, it's just a one sided crush, but you need to love yourself first, value yourself first, and realise you deserve a whole man, a whole relationship, not the deceit and scrappy stolen moments of an affair. In a way I was attracted to my crush precisely because he was such a great family man, he demonstrated that men aren't all like my ex. I tried online dating like you're suggesting too, but it didn't work because of my obsession with married man, I felt guilty for pretending I was available for dates, when actually there was no space in my heart. But I was in a terrible state, drinking too much, and evenings were good or bad depending on if he texted me- pathetic I know! It helped me to stop when I read all the awful threads here about cheating partners, it made me realise that even if he liked me in return, to act on it would be a terrible, morally bankrupt act that caused such grief, and would mean that I felt I didn't deserve a proper relationship. Read the cheating threads, work on yourself by running or learning Spanish or reading George Elliot, you don't need that external validation, find it in yourself instead. Then start dating! I work with the guy too, but gradually contact has become minimal, public, task-focused. Come on, you can do this! You are asking these questions because you have a conscience: follow it! Happy to support you by PM

So you are clearly just potentially wrecking his their marriage for fun?

Not necessarily. There are different kinds of love and OP likely does feel something of one of them towards this man.

Just because she doesn’t want to set up home with him or own him in some way doesn’t mean there’s no love on her side.

you need to love yourself first, value yourself first, and realise you deserve a whole man, a whole relationship,

Not every woman wants a whole man and a whole relationship. Being happy with a part of someone or something doesn’t always point to a lack of self worth/love.

No matter how nice a guy he is, you are a temporary diversion for him. I wasn't the OW (just in an unhealthy relationship) but that advice from a friend was incredibly impactful for me.

Personally the only person I have sympathy for here is all the women who are in relationships with cheaters and don't know. I hope it does come out. Nobody deserves to live a lie of a life when they could have the choice to be with someone who won't shag everything with legs.
I can't give you sympathy I'm sorry, you know what he is and you are watching a women live a lie who doesn't deserve it!

I find it sort of weird that so many women have posted here to put the boot in on what was so clearly set up as a request for support when I don't see a mass of OW flocking to the support threads for betrayed partners.

Sort of irrationally makes me want to go and post on those and spout toxic shit like "well, probably your fault your husband left". Which I won't, but this thread has left a nasty taste in my mouth.

And no. I'm no OW and never have been. I just think all humans deserve a bit of support and kindness when they ask for it and it doesn't cost anyone to be moderately pleasant or just shut up if they can't be.

I often feel the same as Eena when I read these threads from OWs. I think Mumsnet, or at least this board, is the wrong place to seek support if you're in that position. I understand a lot of people on here would have been cheated on themselves amd want an OW to know just how shit it feels but some people just seem to enjoy sticking the boot in for the sake of it. Giving tough love and a metaphorical slap is great if it shocks an OW into seeing the bigger picture and getting out of this situation. However, I've seen so many threads where OWs have wanted support, even if they have left the relationship long since, only to be hit with a barrage of personal abuse from spiteful types self righteously claiming to be "telling it as it is." I have never been an OW or, to my knowledge, cheated on, but the personal attacks on here sometimes are just horrible.

Up thread you said "the cheating man is responsible for breaking his marriage vows"' Yes he is BUT if you hadn't opened your legs - he wouldn't be able to cheat. YOU have responsibility - if I know someone is married - I don't go there!!!
Now how you get out of it is simple - walk away - delete all forms of contact and keep busy. Or threaten to tell his wife if he hassles you.

Well OP, no you are not responsible for how he treats his wife, but you are responsible for how you treat his wife.
You knew he was married. You didn't care that his wife may get hurt. You cared what you wanted. As other pp's have said, when they found out they were unwitting OW's they ended it there and then.
You were not unwitting and you had an equal part in the affair, the consequences of which would impact the wife.
It's a bit much to say he is the culpable one when you knew the state of play and gave no fucks.
Anyway...this man doesn't sound good for you and is ultimately using you. He has a wife and a mistress, but it doesn't seem like you get much out of it. Honestly- you deserve more than a seedy little affair, someone who is committed to you because they love you, not just after a quick fuck.

Not quite the same thing but ... I became involved with a married man who I took to be separated but turned out just to have a strange marriage (separate rooms, co parenting, not really talking to each other much, but no plans to separate properly either). He didn't exactly lie, it was just a weird and complicated situation. When I became aware that he wasn't separated in the way I required (i.e. in the process of living separately) and that he wanted to continue to present himself as married, I ended it. We were not in contact for months, during which I met someone new - I think that meeting someone new (and, importantly, single!) is key here, or at least it was for me. But you might allow yourself a period of grieving and moping first.

I am still in contact with the married guy, just as friends (I am no longer even slightly attracted to him and am thankful I didn't become more involved). He is not a happy person, mainly because of his domestic arrangements - there are medical reasons why he and his wife do not separate properly ... personally I think they'd both probably be happier if they did, but not my business.

You are doing the right thing by walking away, both for you and for his wife. The man is a fucking shitbag. I hope his wife wises up soon and stops wasting her life on this idiot.

You are not in love with him - if you miss him, it's likely to be because you have needs that are no longer being met, not because of anything about him. My advice would be: set yourself a period of time during which you are 'allowed' to pine, feel sorry for yourself, and gaze wistfully at his photos (or whatever). After that, dust yourself down and get on with looking for someone who is worth your time: get on a free dating sites, start going on dates, whether you feel like it or not. (I met my newish boyfriend, who is utterly wonderful, via a dating site which I was on despite being sure I wasn't interested in other men because I was too busy pining for the last one 😂)

Read through some of the many affair threads on here about the absolute devastation they have on the spouse and their innocent children and that should help.

Is it worth a shag.

He makes you feel great because he's getting what he wants.

Oh and he's a cunt. And who wants one of those.