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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to stop my affair

95 replies

plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 11:27

I met the man I'm having an affair with 15 years ago. We had a FWB relationship which I always wanted to go further - but he didn't. I moved away, met my DP - who is a hard working, kind, supportive and caring man. I had fertility issues, and after 3 rounds of IVF we have a beautiful girl. He stood by me throughout my IVF (he had no fertility issues - the problem was with me).

Four years ago, the affair man moved to the area where I now live. He contacted me, telling me about his relationship problems. I'm now in a horrific cycle - he contacts me demanding sex, I comply. He uses me, I fake my enjoyment - and then he tells me to go. Until the next time he wants to use me. He slaps me, pulls my hair, is aggressive - and I allow it to happen. I have no idea why I'm doing this. My DP and my daughter are wonderful people and deserve so much better.

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 26/02/2018 11:29

Yes they really do deserve better. Get rid of this man from your life

Mishappening · 26/02/2018 11:30

Why not just stop seeing him? It is very simple indeed.

HarrietKettle · 26/02/2018 11:31

Well stop it, then Confused

AthenasOwl · 26/02/2018 11:33

What advice are you actually looking for? You know what to do ..do it

WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe · 26/02/2018 11:33

Block him entirely and try and forget about him. I don't understand why this is difficult for you, perhaps you might benefit from counselling?

AthenasOwl · 26/02/2018 11:34

Also he sounds utterly vile ..you're risking your marriage, your family for a piece of shit that treats you with less respect than a dog? Yea easy decision here

Candlelights · 26/02/2018 11:35

Can you change your phone number and block him on any social media? That way he'll not be able to contact you and you can try to forget about him

CallYourDadYoureInACult · 26/02/2018 11:36

Are you afraid of this man?

The short answer is that you just have to stop.

The longer is that you may have to get some help in the form of counselling to get you to stop.

Just stop. You are ruining three lives.

stitchglitched · 26/02/2018 11:36

Imagine destroying your daughter's family unit, having her hating you, potentially missing 50% of the time and every other xmas with her.

If you aren't going to stop then the least you can do is tell your partner. He deserves all the information about his life and potential risks to his sexual health.

WizardOfToss · 26/02/2018 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DesertSky · 26/02/2018 11:38

OP it sounds like you are punishing yourself and there are underlying psychological issues involved?

You 100% need to break all forms of contact with this man ASAP.
I recommend counselling. Your poor DP. It’s not fair on him either, nor your DD. You need to focus on your family and appreciate and enjoy what you have.

Please get help and get out of this abusive toxic relationship for the sake of your own wellbeing and for your family.

PinkHeart5914 · 26/02/2018 11:41

So after going through ivf and finally getting your baby, your risking ruining your family unit for what? A cheap shag? Yes your right your poor partner does deserve so much better

Why do you need help to stop?

When Affair man calls, say no, block his number or better still get yourself a new number and keep your knickers on- Simple!

FleetwoodSmack · 26/02/2018 11:42

That sounds less like an affair, OP, than a cycle of abuse with an ex FWB. Is he threatening to tell your DH if you won't have sex with him, or threatening you in some other way?

BadTasteFlump · 26/02/2018 11:43

So why can't you just stop then? I don't understand your post at all Confused

Although its too late as you've already screwed your marriage. You've clearly got problems but I feel more sorry for your DP and DD Sad

Original poster
plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 11:47

Thank you all, it's incredibly helpful to read your responses. No, he is not threatening me and can make the choice to stop. It is simple.

OP posts:
LilaoftheGreenwood · 26/02/2018 11:48

It sounds more like you're being abused than "having an affair" as such. People who come on here because they're having affairs are usually wibbling on about how in lust love they are and the "connection" they have and things "just happened", I'm not getting any of that from you.

There is some compulsive reason why you allow this man to use you like this and I would say you need urgent counselling. See this as the crisis it is. Do you have a family member or close friend who will support you with this as a matter of urgency? Is there any chance this character might turn nasty if you put a stop to it?

DancesWithOtters · 26/02/2018 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 26/02/2018 11:49

x-post, good, if it's simple then cut it off, but DO seek the help.

hidinginthenightgarden · 26/02/2018 11:49

You need to get some help. You sound like you have no self esteem at all and he is abusing that.
Cut him off. That in itself will be liberating.
If your DP leaves, you will be left with neither man and a child to support alone.
Please get help.

Original poster
plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 11:57

The only person I have spoken to about it in real life is my best friend. For some reason, she does not seem to think it's completely abhorrent - but she advised me to give myself a period of time - to not see him. Something achievable. I have tried cutting off, blocking - in fact when I first moved away - I felt relieved that I was moving away from him.

OP posts:
AthenasOwl · 26/02/2018 11:58

Get better friends.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/02/2018 12:01

Wow - your poor DH and DD.
What a way to treat your family!
You are being vile and you know it.
So stop it or end your marriage and let your DH find someone who will love and respect him enough not to cheat on him.

Original poster
plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 12:01

I'm hoping that I can stop this without counselling, but if I continue I think that is my next step.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 26/02/2018 12:02

I have a friend who is in a quasi relationship with a man who is quite dreadful to her. Although she says it’s over ( about once every three months) she simply cannot resist continuing to see him.

You are the same. You need to figure out why you are doing this to yourself and potentially risking all you hold dear.

flapjackfairy · 26/02/2018 12:02

Amen to that AthenasOwl