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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to stop my affair

95 replies

plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 11:27

I met the man I'm having an affair with 15 years ago. We had a FWB relationship which I always wanted to go further - but he didn't. I moved away, met my DP - who is a hard working, kind, supportive and caring man. I had fertility issues, and after 3 rounds of IVF we have a beautiful girl. He stood by me throughout my IVF (he had no fertility issues - the problem was with me).

Four years ago, the affair man moved to the area where I now live. He contacted me, telling me about his relationship problems. I'm now in a horrific cycle - he contacts me demanding sex, I comply. He uses me, I fake my enjoyment - and then he tells me to go. Until the next time he wants to use me. He slaps me, pulls my hair, is aggressive - and I allow it to happen. I have no idea why I'm doing this. My DP and my daughter are wonderful people and deserve so much better.

OP posts:
Original poster
plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 12:37

I completely agree that my behaviour is disgusting, devious, selfish. I want to take positive steps now to move forward. And because of my devious/disgusting and selfish traits - I'm not going to tell my partner about the affair. But I want to stop and move on.

OP posts:
taffett · 26/02/2018 12:38

"I'm not going to tell my partner about the affair" Hmm what a great, honest relationship you have HmmHmm

elisenbrunnen · 26/02/2018 12:39

Sorry OP - this FWB calls you and demands sex? Abuses you sexually, physically and emotionally and you are simply incapable of NOT GOING TO HIM?

WHy isn't he blocked? Deleted?

Why haven't you stopped - if not for you, if not for your DH, for your child? It's simply not engaging with an abuser who doesn't live with you, and has no power over you .

I read once a way of empowering yourself to NOT have an affair Hmm - think of your lovely daughter standing, watching in the corner as you have sex.

Do it for her.

Basseting · 26/02/2018 12:39

Lemon

Everyone here is telling OP to stop.
But it might also be useful for her to understand why she got into such a fix so she is less likely to again? That could also be part of taking responsibility?

Completely agree though that the way a thread 'goes' can bear no relation to content - MN can be deeply weird! Grin

bobstersmum · 26/02/2018 12:40

I don't actually see what you are getting from this other man? Are you enjoying being abused? If there's nothing positive about it (he sounds like a horrible person) just stop? I'm sorry but I don't see why you'd need counselling to stop? I'm obviously very naive.

HarrietKettle · 26/02/2018 12:40

It's very odd that you sound so removed and lacking emotion over what is a pretty massive and disgusting level of betrayal, and that's before you get to the issues of self-destructive behaviour that you obviously have.

Hmm
ShatnersWig · 26/02/2018 12:40

Ah, they we have it. Keep it all a secret so that the decent man isn't allowed to decide for himself if he wishes to remain in a marriage with someone who abundantly isn't the person he thinks she is. Nice.

Same if it was the other way around. If you love someone, you don't cheat on them. If you REALLY love someone and cheat on them, you'd be honest with them and allow them to make the right decision for them. Anyone who cheats is selfish but anyone who denies their partner the right to know the truth about their marriage/relationship is even more selfish in my book. It's one thing to live a lie yourself but another to inflict that lie on someone else.

stitchglitched · 26/02/2018 12:43

Agree with Shatners, it is a violation of informed consent IMO. He thinks he is in a monogomous relationship and presumably has sex, makes financial decisions etc based on that belief. Why not be honest with him OP? Don't you think he deserves the truth?

DancesWithOtters · 26/02/2018 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Basseting · 26/02/2018 12:46

OP, it is 'NC Part 7' - its a kind place.

3 steps:

  1. STOP.
  2. Understand 'why' to prevent any recurrence. Ever.
  3. Decide re telling your H so you can make a joint decision re marriage.
ShatnersWig · 26/02/2018 12:47

Stitch Often on these threads I see people saying that if it was a one off, they should keep it quiet, it's their penance to feel guilty and not tell their partner if they love them. I could just, just, just about accept that in some circumstances I suppose, but not a situation like this.

BadTasteFlump · 26/02/2018 12:47

Actually I don't believe it is possible to truly love somebody and then cheat on them.

Original poster
plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 12:48

Thank you Basseting. We are not married, so if I tell him - he can leave me without the process of divorce.

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 26/02/2018 12:49

Not a lot of things shock me but I'm struggling to find words for this scenario

BadTasteFlump · 26/02/2018 12:49

But why is that relevant? Don't you think he at least has the right to decide for himself if he wants to be in a relationship with you or not, based on the facts?

ShatnersWig · 26/02/2018 12:49

So, OP why aren't you going to tell your partner about what you've been doing?

Genuine question.

WitchesHatRim · 26/02/2018 12:52

I'm not going to tell my partner about the affair.

Best hope he doesn't find out then. These things have a way of coming out.

He has the right to decide if he wants to saymtsy with you after what you have done/are doing.

Original poster
plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 12:54

Having read your comments, I think I need to tell him.

OP posts:
LemonShark · 26/02/2018 12:54

Normally I'd agree Bassetting, but in this scenario trying to help her understand so she doesn't do it again seems redundant when she hasn't even stopped doing it this time! Also it gives her plenty of excuses as to why she does this, none of which are the fact that she's an adult choosing to do this.

And because of my devious/disgusting and selfish traits - I'm not going to tell my partner about the affair. But I want to stop and move on.

Ah lovely, very convenient! Acknowledging you're devious and disgusting is the perfect excuse for carrying on doing whatever the fuck you want like you're the only person who matters. Never mind trying to better yourself or, you know, not act disgustingly or deviously. Just embrace the label then you can justify and get away with all sorts! Genius. Think I'll call myself immoral and dishonest and then I can go shoplift from Tesco with no qualms.

You're violating your partner's consent to remain in this relationship if you don't tell him. Do you understand how serious that is?

ShatnersWig · 26/02/2018 12:55

Why do you think you need to tell him?

Genuine question.

Original poster
plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 12:58

Beacuse I'm not the person he thinks I am - and he has the right to be in relationship without deceit.

OP posts:
Basseting · 26/02/2018 13:00

Lemon
Well, I'm taking a thread titled: 'i need to stop my affair' at face value.

ShatnersWig · 26/02/2018 13:00

Good for you. You never know. If you are 100% open and honest with him, he may - after a period of reflection - want to give the relationship another go. But be prepared to move out for a while and allow him space and time to be angry, upset, hurt, confused, any emotion he wants.

LemonShark · 26/02/2018 13:00

Great! You've learned a lot about respect and relationships in just ninety minutes.

HarrietKettle · 26/02/2018 13:01

What? Really??