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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to stop my affair

95 replies

plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 11:27

I met the man I'm having an affair with 15 years ago. We had a FWB relationship which I always wanted to go further - but he didn't. I moved away, met my DP - who is a hard working, kind, supportive and caring man. I had fertility issues, and after 3 rounds of IVF we have a beautiful girl. He stood by me throughout my IVF (he had no fertility issues - the problem was with me).

Four years ago, the affair man moved to the area where I now live. He contacted me, telling me about his relationship problems. I'm now in a horrific cycle - he contacts me demanding sex, I comply. He uses me, I fake my enjoyment - and then he tells me to go. Until the next time he wants to use me. He slaps me, pulls my hair, is aggressive - and I allow it to happen. I have no idea why I'm doing this. My DP and my daughter are wonderful people and deserve so much better.

OP posts:
Original poster
plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 12:03

The affair person won't turn nasty. The person making nasty choices here is me.

OP posts:
taffett · 26/02/2018 12:04

You're horrible and your DH deserves better. (I'd say this if you were a man too, no double standards just because you're a woman)

You have the willpower to say no, you've chosen not to. He is not dragging you against your will and forcing you to sleep with him, you're making a conscious decision to do it knowing the implications it can and will have on your family.

Just stop it already, I don't get why you posted. Just say no when he next asks you to come over, it really is that simpleConfusedHmm

StaplesCorner · 26/02/2018 12:04

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/sex-addiction.html

Its a form of addictive behaviour, you are addicted to the destructive element of it you know its wrong, you feel hopeless to stop it. Have a look on this directory, get a counsellor, stop the destruction you have a HUGE amount to lose.

upsideup · 26/02/2018 12:05

Please dont just end your affair and leave your DH and DD none the wiser. Thats horrible, tel him he deserves better than you.

squarecorners · 26/02/2018 12:06

Toxic relationships can have a weird effect on your ordinary logic. You know this person isn't a positive force in your life and certainly no comparison to your partner and child.
Agree with others - change your phone number - if it's time for an upgrade just change your number with that and it explains it away quite nicely. I would also change any other contact details that he has for you- email address etc. I wouldn't block him on social media as that might put his back up- instead get new "clean" accounts, maybe under a nickname or a different name - tell people you know that it's because you want to be anonymous for work or something. If he does by some miracle get in touch with you be very blase, "I'm really busy at the moment- catch up with you another time" kind of thing. If you physically end it he could get angry and lash out, potentially putting your partner and child at risk from getting hurt (emotionally).

Basseting · 26/02/2018 12:10

I agree it needs to stop.
It is damaging you
It is risking your relationship with two people you love.
BUT i think counselling would be wise too to explore why you have allowed this man to treat you so badly and risked so much?
It is pointless just to say: 'horrible' - you need to understand why this has develped and how to prevent it in the future as well as stopping it now.

guest2013 · 26/02/2018 12:16

It's because you wanted a proper relationship with this guy and he rejected you. That's why you keep going back.

Original poster
plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 12:17

Thank you Basseting. I do think counselling is the answer. I'm googling my local relate, and thank you for the directory link above too. It is pointless to say 'horrible' - I need to understand why I'm doing this, break the cycle and prevent it happening in the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 12:21

And yes guest, I found the FWB relationship 15 years ago so soul destroying. I have a memory of being half asleep on a train. I woke up and he was right up at my face saying 'I love you' in the most aggressive tone I've ever heard...

OP posts:
LemonShark · 26/02/2018 12:22

Gosh people will say anything to try and excuse you owning your decisions, despite you stating you know you could stop it and you don't believe he'd turn nasty. PP shouting 'abuse', 'addiction', trying to psychoanalyse that it's a response to rejection, I wonder if you'd be as keen to come up with excuses that take agency away from your partner if you found out he was cheating on you?

This site is so weird. Some OPs get a pasting and others get their hands held while people bend over backwards to come up with an excuse that lessens some of the blame and responsibility that belongs to the OP.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Basseting · 26/02/2018 12:23

plush
YES! Be positive - take charge!!!
End it now (and come onto the NoContact thread in Relationships where you will get lots of support staying NC for whatever reason). First Step.
And call a counsellor (if they dont click with you try another until you find one that does) You will have to work hard to overcome this but you, and your Dd and your H are worth it. You CAN rectify this.

FleetwoodSmack · 26/02/2018 12:23

What's in it for you at the moment, OP? What makes you comply with his sexual demands and go to the lengths of faking enjoyment? It is clearly performing some function for you as matters stand. What goes through your head when he contacts you?

Original poster
plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 12:25

I would forgive my partner if he cheated on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 12:27

Basseting, I love your positivity. I'm going to try every avenue I can. I'll post on that thread.

OP posts:
LemonShark · 26/02/2018 12:27

Yeah. That's easy to say until it happens. And even easier when you've already cheated on him so have a vested interest in forgiveness of infidelity in a relationship.

BadTasteFlump · 26/02/2018 12:28

Sorry but that's easy to say OP.

That presumes he would tell you - but you've not told him that you are cheating. Do you know his views on cheating? If you think he would forgive you then why not tell him? Honesty is just as important as fidelity.

Original poster
plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 12:29

Fleetwood - part of me feels that I want to help him. He is having a shit time, failed relationships etc. Almost like I owe him something, or need to look after him.

OP posts:
taffett · 26/02/2018 12:29

@LemonShark couldn't agree with you more

LemonShark · 26/02/2018 12:30

Also whether you'd forgive him for cheating is irrelevant. What's relevant here is whether he would forgive you. And until you tell him you're denying him that right to decide what sort of relationship he wants to be in and what sort of woman he wants to be with.

Unless you tell him you're literally removing the man's ability to make decisions about his own life and intimate relationships.

LemonShark · 26/02/2018 12:30

Which is even more disgusting than the actual infidelity imo.

Original poster
plushsuppie321 · 26/02/2018 12:33

Which thread is the latest no contact thread?

OP posts:
LemonShark · 26/02/2018 12:34

Put it this way: if he cheated on you, currently all that does is make you even. It vindicates you as no longer being the only one who won't remain faithful.

As you've cheated on him while he remains (as far as you know) faithful, you've broken that bond of fidelity you both agreed to and assumedly at some point wanted. He's in this relationship with the understanding that you both only shag and love each other. You're in it knowing that's a complete lie.

If you keep this from him and instead decide that it's too difficult for you to be honest for once you are being absolutely, disgustingly unforgivable. And one day, when he finds out and it comes to light, he'll know that not only did you go and seek another man to fuck you, you looked into his eyes every day and lied to him while pretending to be a family ever since.

bobstersmum · 26/02/2018 12:34

What the fuck are you doing woman? Just block him and stay away?

BadTasteFlump · 26/02/2018 12:34

part of me feels that I want to help him

What I find hardest to understand is that you don't seem to be feeling very guilty. The thought of cheating on my lovely DH would devastate me, let alone what it would do to him.

But you're thinking you want to help this man who's helping you ruin your life and abuse you at the same time.

I agree you probably should have some counselling, but also need to have a good think about your boundaries, because you don't seem to have any, at all.

ShatnersWig · 26/02/2018 12:35

There are times I wish a man or woman would find out what their partner was up to and kick out their sorry arse.

This is one of them.

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