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Original poster

Anyone else can't afford to live with their dp?

93 replies

malificent7 · 26/02/2018 10:12

I have been with dp for over two years...im besotted and want to stay with him always.
Only thing is i am hoping to retrain in a good career in September. If we move in together i will loose universal credit and he will have to shoulder the financial burden which i don't want and it will put strain on us.
At the moment he lodges and has a bargain of a deal ...if he moved in he'd pay twice as much.
This arranfement would suit me but gere is the silly bit...other females also lodge there.

Now i trust him 199 percent. There is only one other lodger at a time but it takes me a whike for me to trust the other woman and then i feel safe. The current female lodger has her own bf and us moving on soon but there will be another lodger for me to trust etc after...the landlord and lady are away during term time so it's just dp and other lodger.
I think the issue is that i want to be a unit with dp. I want to be the female sharing his space, i want to be the one he shares a kitchen and bathroom with.

So wwyd...retrain for a good career and put off living together for 3 years or give up retrainig and soldier on in a failing career that grinds you down so you can live with dp.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 26/02/2018 10:13

And i know i prob i am being unreasonable but everytime a new female lodger moves in i feel sad as i want to be the one living with dp.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2018 10:14

To nee you either train and wait or you train and he takes on the financial burden.

You don't give up on a career to live together.

How old are you and are their DC?

Original poster
malificent7 · 26/02/2018 10:14

Or should i give up on a career and just get a job?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2018 10:15

Also I don't know the legalities but could he formally rent the other room? So you essentially are lodgers together?

Trills · 26/02/2018 10:15

Train for the career.

Stop thinking that you need to "trust" your DP's flatmates. Partners cannot be stolen, the only person you need to trust is him.

And maybe stop calling women "females".

Marcine · 26/02/2018 10:15

Really, you'd give up your career because you have your knickers in a twist about your boyfriend having a female housemate?
If your relationship is that unstable then moving in together won't help.

DatingLife · 26/02/2018 10:16

Has he got any ideas?

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2018 10:17

Oh I misread, thought you had a lodger.

Why can't you rent that other room and be his lodger?

Why are the lodgers always women?

Why can't you use the word female?

ChickenMom · 26/02/2018 10:19

??? Why would you give up career training just to live with somebody! How are you going to support yourself for the rest of your life or if he dumps you in 10/20 years because you’re obsessed with him being near other women. What will you do then?
You need to get a grip. Get trained and get some perspective and self esteem before you even think about living with your DP. You sound as though you’re 17.

Appuskidu · 26/02/2018 10:19

Trust him-why would he want to be with a lodger when he’s got you?!

Train for the career and then rethink. Unless it’s teaching, that is—then run for the hills!!Grin

Trills · 26/02/2018 10:21

You can use the word female in many other contexts, but referring to women as "females" is gross and weird and makes me think of men online who don't fully recognise the humanity of women.

A short guide with GIFs

The OP can't legally move in with her boyfriend and pretend to be a lodger, not if she wants to keep her benefits.

Bombardier25966 · 26/02/2018 10:23

Can you retrain and work part time? Why are you on universal credit, and will you still be eligible if training full time?

WonderLime · 26/02/2018 10:23

Why can't you use the word female?

Would you say ‘my partner spends time with other males?’ - Doubt it!

Speedy85 · 26/02/2018 10:23

Why can't you rent that other room and be his lodger?

If you’re in a relationship with your lodger DWP will treat you like a couple and reduce/remove benefits accordingly.

ChaosNeverRains · 26/02/2018 10:25

If you want to pursue a career then you pursue a career. Just wanting to live together and being the one he lives with is not valid reason for giving up on your own career, after all you have to have earning potential once you’re in work so a career will benefit that, no?

Plus it sounds to me as if you have trust issues. TBH you need to work through those before you can expect him to want to live with you. If a man told me he wanted to live with me because he couldn’t stand the thought of other men living in the same house I would run a mile and would advise your DP to do the same.

And living together isn’t all hearts and flowers. If it’s your ultimate goal to spend the rest of your lives together then that will happen as and when it’s meant to. But if it’s not possible now then it’s not possible.

Original poster
malificent7 · 26/02/2018 10:26

I am 40 so last chance to train...

I think the problem is mine tbh and my insecurity...i do trust him but it hurts that we can't ve a proper unit.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 26/02/2018 10:28

I am a teacher now...retraining to be a radiographer...passionate about xrays!! yes...i do need to get a grip and i do need to sort out my trust issues.
Career is v important!

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 26/02/2018 10:29

Also if we move in now i may feel resentful for giving up career.

OP posts:
PhilODox · 26/02/2018 10:30

Where will your child be living?
Two years isn't that long for her to get used to someone new.

DatingLife · 26/02/2018 10:33

I think you've had some good advice OP :). 40 is still young, I am sure you can make some compromises for a few years while you train. If its meant to be he'll be happy to do that too. Perhaps you do have trust issues and need to 'work' on your self-esteem a bit, but I think some posters are being a bit harsh.

Perfectnight · 26/02/2018 10:33

Why do you currently get universal credit if you are a teacher? Do you have children?

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2018 10:37

Ok I assumed 20...

Def don't give up a career just to live with a guy. The fact you're besotted rather than in love and want to be with him always rather than line together would worry me off you were my friend.

Re males, females - I wouldn't say my partner spends time with makes but if someone did I wouldn't assume they were gross and dismissing the humanity of men by describing them as malesConfused

Catinthebath · 26/02/2018 10:41

What’s 199%? Is that like 99%? Or 100% with added effect? But not quite 200. Do you trust him or not?

Viviennemary · 26/02/2018 10:42

You'll have to make a choice. You either stay on your own and claim benefits or have your partner move in and you won't be able to claim. These are the rules at the moment. When you're not self supporting somebody has to shoulder the financial responsibilities be it the taxpayer or a partner. In your position you should put your career first. It's the only sensible thing to do IMHO.

Trills · 26/02/2018 10:44

I wouldn't assume they were gross and dismissing the humanity of men by describing them as males

No, because that's not a thing people do to men. But it is a thing people do to women.