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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I found messages to another woman (retry)

84 replies

GobbyLino · 25/02/2018 21:54

Hello

I posted a thread yesterday that was reported and deleted. I guess maybe people thought it wasn't genuine. I have spoken to the mumsnet team and since I am still here you can assume I am genuine!

I wasn't sure whether to post again but honestly I'm just desperate for advice I have nobody to talk to apart from DH.

Yesterday I found messages on my DHs instagram to a woman that he knows asking for bikini pics of her. He sent them around 20 minutes after having sex with me and I was on the phone to him, cooking him some lunch at the time.

We have had problems recently due to my mental health but I thought things were getting better. I am also pregnant with our first child together. (I have one child from a previous relationship).

I didn't approach it with him yesterday but told him I'd had a feeling and asked if there was anything going on. He said no.

It was eating away at me so today I confessed what I'd done and what I'd seen. It's blown up in my face. He's really angry that I snooped and has said he's going to change his passwords. He says he wasn't cheating and that there's context I don't know about but he's not going to explain himself because I was wrong for looking on his instagram and not believing him. He's said I've now changed the dynamics of our relationship and what do we even have now as I don't trust him and he can't trust me to not snoop.

I don't understand how we've got here. I know it's wrong to snoop and it's never something I would usually do I just couldn't shake that feeling in my stomach. I didn't confront him in an angry way I started out saying I'd done something that I shouldn't have and I told him calmly.

I don't know what to do from here?

OP posts:
aftertheevent · 25/02/2018 22:00

Well hes blaming you for what he did. So hes gaslighting you. In what context could this be ok? None. Don't let him bully you. He has spoilt the dynamic not you.

BackInTheRoom · 25/02/2018 22:06

It's a defence mechanism. Blaming you takes the spotlight/heat off him. Are you going to believe his bullshit OP or are you going to be steadfast: he messaged another woman knowing you're pregnant with HIS baby and just after you'd had sex!

DontDIY · 25/02/2018 22:07

I replied on your last thread. What a complete prick. You shouldn’t have started with telling him you’d done something which you shouldn’t. You totally set yourself up there!

The reason he can’t trust you not to snoop, is because you can’t trust him to respect you and value his marriage. What you did was based on good instinct, and nothing compared to what he did.

Intrigued to know what context excuses a married man asking some other woman for swim suit photos Hmm

LTB. Yes, I’m serious.

RebelRogue · 25/02/2018 22:10

Once upon a time I was you. I looked,I found and ended up being the one to apologise and promise to be better/work harder at our relationship.
It only got worse.
It might seem hard,maybe even impossible right now ,but LTB.
It's bad enough when they do it and try to make things work,it's torture staying with a man that does it and somehow you're to blame for catching him.

Original poster
GobbyLino · 25/02/2018 22:10

I knew it would go this way but I didn't expect him to just not explain himself. He's cried and asked why I'm trying to destroy us and I should admit that I don't want to be with him. But I do.

I know people will say I sound pathetic but we're about to have a baby and I literally have nobody else. I can't imagine what circumstance would make those messages ok.

OP posts:
Wonkydonkey44 · 25/02/2018 22:11

In no way shape or form is it acceptable to ask a woman to send you pics of herself .
The shouting is his way of deflecting what’s happened back on you so u feel guilty

He is the guilty one not you x

DontDIY · 25/02/2018 22:13

So he’s deceitful, sleazy and manipulative. You are not pathetic. You’re vulnerable, he knows it, and he is going to use it to his advantage.

taffett · 25/02/2018 22:14

I replied on your last thread, and I think you're genuine.

He's trying to turn the blame onto you, and if he was truly innocent why is he so insistent on changing his passwords so you can no longer check? (Not that checking without his permission is right, but given the situation it's the lesser of the two)
What possible "context" could there be for messaging another girl asking her for bikini pics, that's disrespectful to both her and you. (Not to mention your relationship!)
LTB.

DontDIY · 25/02/2018 22:15

And he’s stalling while he comes up with a reason for asking for the photos. There isn’t one. Not a good one.

SandyY2K · 25/02/2018 22:17

I literally have nobody else.

This is a terrible position to be in. He knows this and will use it to his advantage.

He got angry because you found him out. The trust is gone.

When you have no family...you have to be strong enough to be on your own and not be gripped by fear of being alone.

Original poster
GobbyLino · 25/02/2018 22:20

I do have family but were not that close anymore. I moved areas to be with him and I've found it really hard to make friends so I don't know anybody here.

I'm not terrified of being on my own so much but I am scared of losing him. I also worry for my children. My child has only ever known me to be with my husband. This baby has been so wanted we tried for so long for her. I don't recognise him right now. We had the most amazing relationship before all the stress of this pregnancy and my mental health problems.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 25/02/2018 22:20

totally Gaslighting you.... jesus christ he's a Prick Flowers

branstonbaby · 25/02/2018 22:22

Have a LTB. Life is too short to put up with that.

kevinkeeganlovesme · 25/02/2018 22:22

What context? Lying bastard. Op I don't often say ltb but it could get so much worse for you. Thanks

mehhh · 25/02/2018 22:23

What a prick!!! He is twisting this around op don't let him do it!! He's changed the dynamic messaging other women and asking for bikini pictures WHILST YOU ARE PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD... he is the one in the wrong COMPLETELY please don't let him spin this onto you.. you've done nothing wrong

mehhh · 25/02/2018 22:25

I also agree to LTB if he's twisting something so obviously HIS fault to be your fault what else will he twist and manipulate? It will only get worse

DontDIY · 25/02/2018 22:27

You still seem to be excusing him because of your MH, and now the stress of your pregnancy. None of this is on you! He should be looking after you, cherishing you, making sure you feel secure in all the changes that are going on.

I’m really sad for you, OP. You are in a terrible position, but your husband has pit you here! What would tell your daughter if she was you??

TatianaLarina · 25/02/2018 22:32

There is no context in which that would be ok moreover the request may be unwelcome from her end.

VetOnCall · 25/02/2018 22:38

You're not pathetic at all, he is, crying and saying that you're trying to destroy the relationship. How fucking dare he try to shift the blame on to you? He's a sad, manipulative, pathetic excuse for a man and if you stay with him you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of this shit. You, and above all your kids deserve better. Be strong OP.

NotTheFordType · 25/02/2018 22:39

Hold on.. So his sole crime is as,img a woman for wank materials?

Gemini69 · 25/02/2018 22:41

Hold on.. So his sole crime is as,img a woman for wank materials?

he maybe doesn't know how to find Wank Porn on google... Hmm

DontDIY · 25/02/2018 22:43

That was his sole crime, which is bad enough. But now we can add coward, liar and manipulator to the list.

kevinkeeganlovesme · 25/02/2018 22:44

Don't feed the under bridge dwellers.

taffett · 25/02/2018 22:46

Why are you saying "hold on" as if that's not bad enough? That's completely disrespectful to op and the woman he messaged

SandyY2K · 25/02/2018 22:46

How is you asking about the message trying to destroy you. That melodramatic behaviour is suspect.

I'm just trying to think of the context. Woman says she's lost weight and now looks great in a bikini...he asks for a pic. Mmmm