I found messages to another woman (retry)

[GobbyLino]

Hello

I posted a thread yesterday that was reported and deleted. I guess maybe people thought it wasn't genuine. I have spoken to the mumsnet team and since I am still here you can assume I am genuine!

I wasn't sure whether to post again but honestly I'm just desperate for advice I have nobody to talk to apart from DH.

Yesterday I found messages on my DHs instagram to a woman that he knows asking for bikini pics of her. He sent them around 20 minutes after having sex with me and I was on the phone to him, cooking him some lunch at the time.

We have had problems recently due to my mental health but I thought things were getting better. I am also pregnant with our first child together. (I have one child from a previous relationship).

I didn't approach it with him yesterday but told him I'd had a feeling and asked if there was anything going on. He said no.

It was eating away at me so today I confessed what I'd done and what I'd seen. It's blown up in my face. He's really angry that I snooped and has said he's going to change his passwords. He says he wasn't cheating and that there's context I don't know about but he's not going to explain himself because I was wrong for looking on his instagram and not believing him. He's said I've now changed the dynamics of our relationship and what do we even have now as I don't trust him and he can't trust me to not snoop.

I don't understand how we've got here. I know it's wrong to snoop and it's never something I would usually do I just couldn't shake that feeling in my stomach. I didn't confront him in an angry way I started out saying I'd done something that I shouldn't have and I told him calmly.

I don't know what to do from here?

You poor thing, sounds horrible and very difficult situation. It's hard enough being pregnant, let lone having another child to look after AND needing support with mental health. You poor thing.

It's very hard to leave someone, I would start by doing anything at all possible to get a good support network of local mums... Try a church mums and tots group, or a mental health support group, or volunteer somewhere you can meet new people doing something you enjoy. You need proper support if you decide to leave him in the future, even if you don't feel like you can now.

dontdiy sorry but that did make me laugh lol I don't know why.

aw12345 I think youre right my world is so small right now. Most days the only people I have any conversation with are my husband and my child. I need some grown ups to talk to. Even acquaintances would be good if I can't make friends. I have the details of the children's centre schedule for when the baby is here and I intend on going as soon as I can. It was a god send when I had my first I feel it will be even more so now. Since moving DC has moved schools and the mums there don't acknowledge I exist. I probably could be more forthcoming but my confidence is so low I don't think I can face it.

With regard to him cancelling his birthday, who is that going to hurt, obviously not you. If that is his decision then so be it. I'd just sit back and let him wallow in his own self importance for a few days whilst you spend your time deciding on what you want to do future wise.

So when he sees pictures of men on your SM or phone...you can just say "He's gay"

Try and focus on your pregnancy .

He really is a twunt.
Agree to cancel his party but you phone and tell his mum why.....

IMO your insistence that OP should split from her partner, when she has no suspicions that he's done anything more than wank over an acquaintance, is massively unhelpful.
It's not just the fact he's wanking over an acquaintance though, is it? It's the fact that he disrespected his dp enough to actually request these pics, just following sex with his pregnant dp. I'm amazed you can't see the difference (or are just ignoring it in order to minimize it).

You did nothing wrong. Trust is fundamental to a relationship and you have uncovered evidence which confirms DH doing things which are unacceptable in a committed relationship. His anger is a just a defence to block any conversation on this issue because he has no plausible explanation. Your situation is tricky and way forward depends entirely on you. My suggestion is that you should try again to explain to him that unless he explains the entire context of conversation it would be difficult for you to understand it. My prediction is that he will put up a wall and block any discussion on this topic. Which would leave you with two choices: remain quiet and accept or confront till he comes clean. Either way you are losing. Sad when people betray trust.

I’m hoping this is a wind up because it’s making me want to bang my head against the wall

If it isn’t, he’s an abusive sleazy arsehole who’s got you exactly where he wants you and you’ll continue to take the blame for everything. He is probably the reason your mental health suffers!

Get away. If not for yourself for your kids. He is no role model

To be honest if he hadn't added in the fact that she was a lesbian I might believe him more but to me that fact is so irrelevant that he could only have included it to try and steer me away from the truth.
^
this

What an arse